Acceptance of sex play
Almost all of us participated in some sex play as children. Only about 45% to 55% of us say we remember any sex play. Yet, mothers of 6 and 7-year-olds say 76% of their daughters and 83% of their sons engaged in sex play, more than half with siblings. But, only 13% of college students admit any sexual activity with siblings. So why do we forget these events? Maybe we feel guilty. Maybe we are very young. Maybe it isn't worth remembering. Sex play among playmates doesn't ordinarily hurt us. Harsh punishment or criticism--"You are a bad girl to do something dirty and disgusting like that"--can do harm. Distinguished from mutual experimentation, about 25% of the time it is not just sex "play" because force is used, and another 25% of the time one sibling or playmate is five years or more older than the other one (Finkelhors, 1981). These incidents become more like sexual abuse; they certainly can do harm but may not. Homosexual sex play is also common in children. It doesn't cause us to be homosexuals as adults but we are likely to feel unnecessarily guilty about it.
These taboos against masturbation, sex talk, and sex play may cause problems for adults. Examples: Most men, I predict, would like to have their penis fondled and aroused every day (outside the usual setting and time for intercourse), but this is seldom done. Most women would appreciate more affectionate attention to their bodies (outside the setting for intercourse). Why are these behaviors lacking? After passing through the infatuation phase, when our hormones drive us to be highly sexual all the time, we gradually revert back to our early teachings of taboos and inhibitions (or we just "get used to" our partner's body). The inhibitions and taboos, both of the fondler and the fondlee, could surely be unlearned or overcome with a little practice.
Acceptance of sexual fantasies
For 75% of us, sexual fantasies are simply a pleasurable and exciting escape. Over half of all men think about sex once or more during the day, 20% of women do (Doskoch, 1995). Male college students have sexual thoughts over 7 times a day, college women over 4 times a day. Over half of these thoughts are externally triggered. About 85% of men and 70% of women fantasize when they touch. The most common fantasies are about ordinary intercourse with current or past lovers or with people we know, have met recently, or have seen on TV or film. Yet, our sexual fantasies are rarely revealed, not even to our closest friends. Perhaps this is because some fantasies suddenly appear that are shocking to the daydreamer, e.g. a religious person imagines having group sex or a straight person thinks of an exciting homosexual encounter. About 25% of us feel quite guilty about some of our sexual thoughts. A few people have no sexual fantasies, possibly because they consider the thought equivalent to the deed, e.g. thinking of having sex with a movie star could be the moral equivalent of premarital sex or adultery. Also, a few people think sexual fantasies indicate poor mental health or abnormal sexual desires. Rarely is that the case, although some persons with psychological problems have fantasies of punishment which disrupt their sexual acts or have repeated sadistic fantasies which they feel pushed to act out. For most of us, however, fantasies are beneficial--they increase our sex drive, make masturbation more exciting, boost our confidence, permit the impossible or impermissible (in fantasy a teenaged girl can touch the penis of a Playgirl center fold or a teenaged boy can seduce his friend's mother), release tensions, help us overcome sexual fears, and provide a rehearsal for a real encounter. Most of us do not consider the thought as morally equivalent to the deed (see discussion in chapter 6). People who fantasize more have more sex and more fun doing it. Professionals often consider having no fantasies as an unhealthy sign.
Masters, Johnson & Kolodny (1985, p.344) say having kinky sexual fantasies does not necessarily mean you want to actually engage in the same sexual acts (e.g. no one wants to be raped). Of course, some daydreams are about actions one would like to experience, some are not. The common sexual fantasies of men and women are quite similar, except women may imagine being in more romantic situations (and the personal-emotional aspects of the man) while men focus on body parts. Also, men are more prone to imagine themselves doing something to the woman (dominating), while women imagine being done to (submitting). It is common for men and women to imagine doing something different from the ordinary: meeting an attractive stranger on a moonlit beach, being the star of a porno film, being a prostitute, having sex in the middle of the football field, watching animals having sex, etc. We like to imagine being desirable. We seek novelty. Especially during masturbation but also during intercourse, it is common to imagine having sex with someone else other than our real life partner: a previous lover, a neighbor, a teacher, a celebrity or star, etc. (This is the most common source of guilt and it may not be a good idea to disclose those fantasies.)
Of course, our fantasies are often unrealistic. Masters, Johnson & Kolodny (p. 348) tell an interesting story of a "groupie" who always fantasized about Mick Jagger while having sex with other musicians. Eventually she had a chance to go to bed with Mick Jagger himself. To her surprise she had to use her fantasy because he wasn't nearly as good as she had imagined. Two other kinds of "forbidden" fantasies are fairly frequent--watching others have sex (perhaps a group orgy) and having sex with someone of the same sex. It comes as a surprise to some people that rape fantasies occur to about 24% of men and 36% of women (Knox, 1984, p. 283). Over 10% of women report that being forced to have sex is their favorite sexual fantasy (Doskoch, 1995). Remember, fantasies are not wishes! The rape fantasies of women may reflect a desire, not to be hurt, but to be attractive, to be passive, and to avoid the responsible for the sexual act. For unclear reasons, a few men and women find it sexy to inflict pain or to experience it. Conquest and/or humiliation fantasies are also common, i.e. to control a subordinate, to force someone, to be forced, to be seduced to have sex. Power, denial of responsibility, and anger get all mixed up with sex in fantasy--and maybe in real life.
Casual, passing sexual thoughts hurt no one and probably are important in maintaining year after year a healthy, loving interest in sex play with our lover. If hurtful, inconsiderate, or violent thoughts become obsessions which could influence your behavior, that is potentially dangerous (seek treatment). But, having sexual fantasies (or dreams) you would never act out is not abnormal.
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10r.htm
