Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with the ongoing relentless attraction to a good friend? I've prayed about this over and over (as well as about homosexuality in general) and nothing changes. Maybe there is a reason God doesn't change my desires for him, maybe there isn't. I don't want to be homosexual period, let alone desiring my friend whom I live with. I don't know what to do about this. He is a guy and I can't be with him, so i wish God would take the feeling and the desperate longing away. The feeling doesn't glorify God in any way AND it makes me so very sad personally. I keep thinking about him and have thoughts about him and his girlfriend all amounting to jealousy and hopeless gay pining. What do I do?
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Homosexual attraction to a friend
- Thread starter BlueGlenn
- Start date
Hey man -
You don't have your age posted, but I'm guessing that you are young-ish. I'm in my late 40s. I've been where you are many times. Many times. I know the longings and the pain. But I can PROMISE you that if you continue it gets better. God is faithful. You have some work to do. You need to deal seriously with God. But the foundational attitude is the same one the 3 young men who were thrown into the fire had: "We know God can deliver us, but even if he doesn't, we will not give in..."
God never promises a temptation free life, but He does promise grace. You have things to learn in the midst of your pain. I did. I learned to desire the happiness of the guys I was pining over. I learned to press on in some relationships and accept them. Through it all, I learned how to have healthy, dependant-free relationships with men. My relationships today are free. There is no pining. There is no pain. There is joy in knowing how to be friends with men without putting a burden on the relationship of having all these unhealthy expectations on them. But it took deep work with God in prayer, journaling, some counselling.
I hope the best for you. My heart goes out to you. I'll say a prayer for you. Don't give up. God bless.
You don't have your age posted, but I'm guessing that you are young-ish. I'm in my late 40s. I've been where you are many times. Many times. I know the longings and the pain. But I can PROMISE you that if you continue it gets better. God is faithful. You have some work to do. You need to deal seriously with God. But the foundational attitude is the same one the 3 young men who were thrown into the fire had: "We know God can deliver us, but even if he doesn't, we will not give in..."
God never promises a temptation free life, but He does promise grace. You have things to learn in the midst of your pain. I did. I learned to desire the happiness of the guys I was pining over. I learned to press on in some relationships and accept them. Through it all, I learned how to have healthy, dependant-free relationships with men. My relationships today are free. There is no pining. There is no pain. There is joy in knowing how to be friends with men without putting a burden on the relationship of having all these unhealthy expectations on them. But it took deep work with God in prayer, journaling, some counselling.
I hope the best for you. My heart goes out to you. I'll say a prayer for you. Don't give up. God bless.
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Usual recommendation for having feelings for someone you can't be with is to cut off all ties with them to help you move on.
As for the bolded, I'm sorry to say you may have no choice in that matter. Science has proven that sexual orientation in most cases cannot be changed. I would suggest asking God to allow you to live a celibate life, as opposed to changing your orientation. No one I know who has prayed for the latter, has ever been granted such a request by God.
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Hello and thanks alot. I'm 22 actually and last night I got back from a trip in another state visiting my friends' girlfriend. It is my 3rd time there and she has visited us twice this semester. But after going up there again yesterday, i told myself that after he graduates here in the next 3 weeks, I will no longer stay in contact with him. I came to this decision because no matter what prayers i say or how much my intentions have changed, I cannot get rid of these painful and driving attractions for him. Seeing how he interacts with his girlfriend and seeing how pure and God given or God approved that is makes me feel pathetic...especially compared to the things i try to do with him like pathetically trying to sit close and say certain things and other stuff. My relationship with him is clearly dependent and i have also clearly learned alot from knowing him and trying to work with God on making me see myself as a guy like him and general self control for the sake of God. I have undoubtedly learned alot, but despite that, i still "love" him so much and I keep getting jealous of his gf. Its all very sick. So I considered what you said, and i will just keep praying about it. He is still a loyal friend but at the same time it is this longing and driving desire that fuels me on making long term plans on living next door to him and his wife (and future family) after we all graduate. How sad would it be for me to live my life here on this earth under the shackles of unrequited burning desire for a guy friend that i have foolishly decided to live next door to. I am utterly trapped and all I can do is wait on God to free me from this. Anything less than freedom would be suffering for me if i stay in the friendship and i even if i did end our friendship, i still might think about him always. It sucks so bad and hurts to my core when i think about such a natural God given drive in us to have feelings and attraction for a person of the opposite sex so you and that person can unite to fulfill God's plan for humanity, but when that natural urge and desire/unrelenting attraction is misdirected pathologically towards members of the same sex, then that natural mechanism is horribly used against you and all you can do is feel the pain everyday of desiring people you have no right to be with and then trying to make up for it but in my case, by living with the object of my misdirected desire and torturing myself everyday and even more when his girlfriend visits. I should keep praying but i have come to the point where its so much that i am willing to venture out into the unknown and let him go. I don't understand how God works and I am truly scared for my life despite knowing God personally. Its like if i understand that the desires for guys don't glorify God and are an abomnination in his sight, then sure God, free me from it so you and I don't have to be saddened. But for some reason, my feelings seem to overpower my head knowledge and understanding of this condition. I know feelings are supposed to catch up after appropriate thinking/behavior, but this is torture being around someone you feel so strongly for but can't have. He is so close, yet so far. It is disillusioning. But if you say you promise it gets better (and he leaves in 3 weeks anyway) then i guess i will try to keep the friendship going after he leaves. But i am truly scared that it will never go away and i will be driven to do things i don't want to do. This is so hard.
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Wow. It's like looking at myself at 22. You are really experiencing the pain of all this. I can't tell you how much I can relate. I've felt the same things, made the same plans, felt the same jealousy.
I do promise you it gets better, but I wasn't referring to this relationship. OVER TIME, it gets better. For the sake of my relationship with Christ, I walked away from many friendships that I felt were getting idolatrous. It wasn't until I got some healing under my belt that I decided to stick out a relationship and respond the right way (not putting expectations on him, blessing his relationships with other guys, giving him freedom).
I want to tell you where I am today to offer you hope. I went from where you are, going from one dependant relationship to another, to being joyfully free in my relationships with other men. I love my men friends and I receive a lot of affirmation from them...but I had to learn some hard lessons. And it sounds like that is the same trajectory the Lord has you on. It sounds like you have thought through this and your pain is palapable, but I believe God has more for you than endless pining.
Can you trust the Lord with this relationship? At one point in my life, I had a friend with whom I could feel myself developing feelings for. In prayer I envisioned the relationship as a key and I put that key into the hands of Jesus (in my imagination). I gave it to him. I told him I was willing to let it go, or to continue. The relationship continued, but in a very wholesome way. I'm now married (26 years!) to a wonderful woman. I told her everything over the years; even as a married man when I would feel myself starting to struggle in a relationship - I would tell her. She would encourage me. And now, I can't even imagine feeling those feelings for another guy. I do have visual attractions to the male form - but that is small potatoes compared to the emotional anguish and longing. I don't know a man alive who doesn't have visual attractions that they need to keep a tight reign on. I wouldn't want to go back to the endless longing and pain for the world. I'm grateful that God has helped me grow up (at least a little).
God bless you. Christ suffers with you and in you. You are precious to him.
PM me if you want.
I do promise you it gets better, but I wasn't referring to this relationship. OVER TIME, it gets better. For the sake of my relationship with Christ, I walked away from many friendships that I felt were getting idolatrous. It wasn't until I got some healing under my belt that I decided to stick out a relationship and respond the right way (not putting expectations on him, blessing his relationships with other guys, giving him freedom).
I want to tell you where I am today to offer you hope. I went from where you are, going from one dependant relationship to another, to being joyfully free in my relationships with other men. I love my men friends and I receive a lot of affirmation from them...but I had to learn some hard lessons. And it sounds like that is the same trajectory the Lord has you on. It sounds like you have thought through this and your pain is palapable, but I believe God has more for you than endless pining.
Can you trust the Lord with this relationship? At one point in my life, I had a friend with whom I could feel myself developing feelings for. In prayer I envisioned the relationship as a key and I put that key into the hands of Jesus (in my imagination). I gave it to him. I told him I was willing to let it go, or to continue. The relationship continued, but in a very wholesome way. I'm now married (26 years!) to a wonderful woman. I told her everything over the years; even as a married man when I would feel myself starting to struggle in a relationship - I would tell her. She would encourage me. And now, I can't even imagine feeling those feelings for another guy. I do have visual attractions to the male form - but that is small potatoes compared to the emotional anguish and longing. I don't know a man alive who doesn't have visual attractions that they need to keep a tight reign on. I wouldn't want to go back to the endless longing and pain for the world. I'm grateful that God has helped me grow up (at least a little).
God bless you. Christ suffers with you and in you. You are precious to him.
PM me if you want.
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Dragons87
The regal Oriental kind; not evil princess-napper
BlueGlenn,
As it happens, I'm in exactly the same boat, albeit with slight differences in detail. I've sub-consciously fancied a friend for two years or so, but because I thought he was straight I didn't really think much of it. But last week we came out to each other (by chance), and he told me he had a committed boyfriend of five years. I was devastated, and I'm still trying to get over my emotional turmoil. It was (is) a trying period.
I had two issues to get over - theoretically, the apparent Biblical prohibition against monogamous homosexual relationships; and practically, the fact that I still liked this guy and still want to remain friends and brothers in Christ with him.
I've managed, by grace of God, I believe, to get over the first issue - but since I'm not meant to promote the idea that God blesses monogamous, homosexual and, ultimately, God-honouring relationships on this board, I shan't go into it. My advice to you, simply, is that there is much to be learned in applying principles, and not pore so much over the black-and-white text. If you're interested, PM me. Bottom line is: don't beat yourself over it.
But anyway, regarding the second, more practical issue, I'm realising that throwing myself towards the Lord is the only solution. Only He has a hold on all things, and I am finally beginning to walk out of my feelings for him, and really return to being good friends and brothers.
The road is not easy, but God is there every step of the way.
As it happens, I'm in exactly the same boat, albeit with slight differences in detail. I've sub-consciously fancied a friend for two years or so, but because I thought he was straight I didn't really think much of it. But last week we came out to each other (by chance), and he told me he had a committed boyfriend of five years. I was devastated, and I'm still trying to get over my emotional turmoil. It was (is) a trying period.
I had two issues to get over - theoretically, the apparent Biblical prohibition against monogamous homosexual relationships; and practically, the fact that I still liked this guy and still want to remain friends and brothers in Christ with him.
I've managed, by grace of God, I believe, to get over the first issue - but since I'm not meant to promote the idea that God blesses monogamous, homosexual and, ultimately, God-honouring relationships on this board, I shan't go into it. My advice to you, simply, is that there is much to be learned in applying principles, and not pore so much over the black-and-white text. If you're interested, PM me. Bottom line is: don't beat yourself over it.
But anyway, regarding the second, more practical issue, I'm realising that throwing myself towards the Lord is the only solution. Only He has a hold on all things, and I am finally beginning to walk out of my feelings for him, and really return to being good friends and brothers.
The road is not easy, but God is there every step of the way.
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