Hmm, what is this now?

[Micha]

This forum doesn't give you the option of sending PMs or starting threads or a blog until you've posted a minimal number of comments(I think 20) and gotten 5 positive ratings. I just rated your post so you should have the 5 required to unlock those features now.

I've also been struggling hard with self-condemning thought cycles, focusing on my inability to be or do worthy things. But I'm very high-strung, and OCD definitely runs in my paternal family. It predisposed all of them to multiple addictions, easily taken up to take the edge off I suppose. But it has ravaged their quality of life and shortened their stay here on Earth. Horrible disease indeed.

So sweet of you, thank you! And yes, now I can send messages

I agree! Such a horrible disease and I'm sad to hear about your struggle <3 Always know you are not alone even if it feels like it...

 

[Micha]

It doesn't sound like normal religious fear to me, so I suppose it would be classed as OCD. But Micha, you don't have to worry about those "promises", even though you can't seem to control the temptation to make them. God knows your true mind and heart better than anyone ever could, better even than you yourself do. He isn't going to be offended or angered by "promises" you make that are the result of obsessive fears or anxieties. So try not to get scared or ashamed if you keep on making those "promises" when you don't truly want to. They won't change His love towards you. He made you and He knows you and He loves you.

What you're struggling with is something probably every human being goes through in some form or another, whether or not it's diagnosed as OCD. The Apostle Paul gives a very helpful description of it in Romans 7:15-25 — the problem itself, and finally the solution to it. I'll quote it from the New Living Translation:

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

So you're not alone, and you're not truly struggling with anything that is foreign to human nature in general, even if it seems extreme. Evil uses all kinds of tricks and absurd fears and fixations to try to keep us from thinking clearly and truly knowing and loving and obeying God. But the good news is, it can't win. It's already been defeated, really.

Just keep forging ahead, no matter how tough it seems, Micha. Make sure you've got people to talk to when you need to, someone you trust and who understands and won't judge you for these obsessive thoughts that are not really you or yours anyway — a good therapist or a minister or a close friend at your church. That always helps. But you do already have the answer you most need, and you can turn to it — to Him — any time, all the time, for sure. Keep it up.

Thank you so so much for writing this! It really helped me so much! <3 I guess my disease is making me look at God like this angry, mean, God just waiting for me to fail, so it helps me tremendously to read your comforting words! Ypu are all so nice in here <3

And thank you for the words by Apostle Paul. That gave me hope as well. You really made my day somewhat better, Kerensa, and with my daily life being a constant struggle, I could really use some hope and good feelings and you gave me that. I thank you so so much! <3 You are the sweetest person and I'll keep on fighting.