Hm.....?

[Distant raiN]

Okay, so, my girlfriend of more than 11 months, who happens to be my first kiss and basically first for anything, says that she feels that we could go farther in our physical relationship, so long as it isn't intercourse. I want to go farther, but I don't know how far we should seriously take it, if farther at all. I love her and I don't want to damage our relationship, and she feels the same way, saying that she doesn't want to pressure me into anything. She isn't, and I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of her by taking it farther. Just kind of confused. I guess part of what I am asking is, how far is too far?

 

[ExistencePrecedesEssence]

Just do it you're thinking too much on this.

 

[Distant raiN]

Just do it you're thinking too much on this.

Just do it? Wasn't really what I was expecting. Can I get a little more advice than "Just do it"? Dude, I want to make the right decision, not just go straight into it. No more Nike spin-off comments.

 

[itisdeliciouscake]

my advice in one word.....

RUN

seeing how far you can go is NEVER (NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER) the right thing to do. the reason for seeing 'how close can you get' is to get as much sexual action in while trying to keep up some hypocritical banner that says 'I stayed pure'.

Whenever someone says that one of the people in a relationship want to take it further physically, I always question the ENTIRE basis of the relationship. What is the purpose here? Is it to see how sexually satisfied and pleased you can get before marriage? OR, is it to put the other person before yourself and get to know them for the sole purpose of possibly one day marrying that person?

From what I hear of this girl my advice to you would be to get out of this relationship as quick as possible. For her sake AND yours. You don't even want to risk going 'too far' when it comes to being physical. Do it for the sake of the love of your future wife someday. Give your future wife the best, save everything for her. You realize how unbelievably loving it is to be able to tell your wife someday 'Even before I knew you, I was saving myself for you and you alone'.

I don't think this girl has the right intentions or vision for this relationship. Relationships should be built on Christ, NOT on 'seeing how close you can go' or seeing how sexually pleased you can be by someone who is not your wife.

 

[tpk]

If you're wondering how far is too far, then you're probably at the line right now. Because once you get going, you won't be able to stop and it wont be until after you've gone too far that you'll realize it.

So, to show that you truly respect your girlfriend, let her know that you aren't ready to take the physical aspect of your relationship any further and that if she insists, you need to get out of that relationship. Because if she goes on about it, she is clearly only there for physical gratification. I'm not saying I know her heart, I'm just saying I've seen too many people get into this and regret it when they're done.

Anyway, pray about it as well and talk it over with her. Let her know that as a Christian, you need to set the boundaries at a spot where you won't have a chance at going too far.

EDIT: By the way, welcome to the forums. I encourage you to stay active around here and participate in some of the other discussions. I also hope you find the answer you seek here. And feel free to ask any other questions you may be having. However, realize that you can get some really differing views that you might not be looking for if you don't post in the Christians Only area.

 

[Distant raiN]

If you're wondering how far is too far, then you're probably at the line right now. Because once you get going, you won't be able to stop and it wont be until after you've gone too far that you'll realize it. I get you.

So, to show that you truly respect your girlfriend, let her know that you aren't ready to take the physical aspect of your relationship any further and that if she insists, you need to get out of that relationship. She isn't insisting, she's just stating the way she feels. I doubt she's only in it for physical gratification since we waited 4 months for the first kiss. Plus, considering she lives 40+ minutes away we can barely see each other, except for some weekends which we spend about an hour or two at church.

Anyway, pray about it as well and talk it over with her. Let her know that as a Christian, you need to set the boundaries at a spot where you won't have a chance at going too far.


Thanks, man. You helped out a lot. =]

itisdeliciouscake - Thanks, bro. Although, it's like we've been dating for a week and are already asking that question. =P She just wanted to tell me how she feels, and we've talked about it, and she's already told me that after she said that, she thought of the possibilities and got scared. Like I said, she's not in it for physical gratification. Thanks again, though. It helped. =]

Anyone else want to give advice, I'll gladly accept it.

 

[tpk]

Ahh, gotcha, man. I wasn't necessarily trying to imply that she was only in it for phyisical gratification, but I felt that if that was where it was headed, it's best to get out of the relationship. But, from what you're saying, you've already talked this through a bit with her. So really, just pray about it and talk some about it and wait until you're married to go too much further.

Glad to help.

 

[ExistencePrecedesEssence]

Just do it? Wasn't really what I was expecting. Can I get a little more advice than "Just do it"? Dude, I want to make the right decision, not just go straight into it. No more Nike spin-off comments.

It's as simple as do it or not doing it, DUDE. You're not going to know the right decision until you make it, nor do you understand how dependent on just straight action relationships are. Yeah, you think, worry, consider, weigh, and calculate, but all that really matters is that you move and do it.

Bright Eyes has it straight:

With these things there's no telling,
We just have to wait and see,
I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery,
But I think maybe this time is different, because I really think you like meeeeeeee--

--And the fact of the matter is that you ARE thinking too much on it, that this anxiety you got is terribly unattractive to her or anyone else you choose to discuss it with.

But if you're really going to be that much of a sketch talk it over with her. Or make a list. Because that's totally the right decision.

 

[TanteBelle]

I totally agree with itisdeliciouscake here! That was just brilliant mate!

This question is for everyone though, not just yourself; how far are you willing to go with her father right there with you? For most blokes, this thought is like facing judgement day! But seriously, her father is her no.1 protector of her virtue (or at least should be!), if you know that you wouldn't do that right in front of her father, don't do it at all!

 

[Denali25]

From a girl's perpective I can say that even if she is stating how she feels (And she feels its okay), that doesnt mean it's actually a good idea. I'm sure you know that sex is for marriage so I wont hit on that point, but going further than I imagine you are at now is just asking for trouble. I have been in a relationship with a new christian guy for 2 and a half years now. We waited one year for our first kiss. Great accomplishment right? Well kinda. You see, we were have the time of our lives before we started kissing. After we started kissing however, a whole new element had to be added to our relationship. Its called the "Must be on constant watch against falling into temptation element." Don't get me wrong, I dont see anything wrong with kissing, but we were just fine (and happy) without it. The trade-off for bringing in a physical element into our relationship is alot of evaluating our physical (and mental) purity, communication on what is too much and harmful, tons of prayer about purity, alot of unnecesaary worry, and the worst thing of all..... we sometimes go too far. Is it all worth it? Probably not. But stopping something once it gets started is hard on so many levels, and thats a new thread entirely. Anyways, Im just trying to tell you, bringing more intense physical activities into your relationship (Even if it's not wrong in God's eyes) Probably will be alot more trouble than it's worth if yopu are wanting to honor God with your Girl-Friend. Not to mention the added temptation that comes with all that. Ill pray for you.... Blessings

 

[Mr_Sandman]

If your worried enough about it to ask on a message board, don't go any farther. It's the answer you probably want to hear but aren't able to tell yourself. Don't let anybody and anything pressure you into anything you don't feel 100% ready to dive into.

 

[Lauren1990]

Dont break up with her, thats absolutely stupid lol. All relationships go through this. If you are truely concerned about doing the right thing, please don't go much further. My boyfriend (of over a year) and I are trying to clean up after our mistakes, once you go there, you don't come back, and if you are serious about going back, its the hardest thing youll do. Josh and I haven't had sex in a month NOR "messed around" and it would have been so much better if we just waited. My heart goes out to you, don't do something you can't take back, if you have any doubts, talk to -God-, or if you need a person, talk to anyone but your girlfriend, this sounds completely strange and not right, but hang in there with me for a second... Sometimes talking to your significant other can make you only justify things because you want it so bad. Talking about intimate things like that is just the first step to becoming intimate.

Praying for you... pray for Josh and I too please, Lord knows we need it.. thank you.

 

[Shannon4237]

I would say wait WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! Things tend to escalate, rather quickly, especially with physical contact. I am speaking from experience, although I wasnt usually the aggressor, I certainly didnt fight back, althoug I love my boyfriend of four years, sometimes I wish I could take somethings back. This as led to arguments, accusations and even a pregnancy scare. ALthough he was good enough to stick it out, BELIEVE ME it is not worth the fear and worry. Work on solidifying the relationship, long before phyiscalities come into it. Hope it works out , praying

With Love
Shannon

 

[religious&reasonable]

In my experiences, if she wants to go "further" with the relationship but isn't talking about sex, she's probably planning on laying her eggs in your abdomen where, when hatched, they will slowly feed on your insides!

But that's just from my experiences...

 

[shikyoblossom]

If your not ready to go farther than what you are in your relationship then dont. If your girlfriend loves you then she`ll understand and except your choice inthe matter

 

[mixtkid]

I definently think that you should wait. No need to rush into anything. Anything you want to do now, will be there later after marriage.

 

[LivetoLove]

Rather than asking, "How far can is too far?", I think the better question is, "How can we honour God in this relationship?"
I think it's pretty clear to us when we're not honouring God in our actions. If you're compromising on your values or decisions you've made, it's not honouring God. If the things you do and say with each other lead directly to lustful thoughts, it's not honouring God.
Your girlfriend has been honest enough to express her feelings about wanting more physical contact, so I think the best and most mature thing would be to talk about it. What are her expectations when it comes to physical contact? Don't ask yourselves, "How far can we go and still be pure and all good with God?" because then you're only pushing your limits. Ask yourselves if the way you're conducting yourselves is respecting each other and respecting God.
Is your girlfriend a Christian? And are you both "saving yourselves" for marriage? I think it's really important to get your expectations and views about sex on the table, and make sure you're both on the same page.
Personally, I think anything more than kissing wouldn't be the wisest decision for you right now, especially if you feel confused and unsure. It could open the door for a lot of confusion and possibly heartbreak, if things don't work out. I would suggest saving all your passion for when you've committed yourself (in a tangible way, ie. engagement, marriage) to one girl/woman.