Hi

[OnceUponATime1]

I didn't even know CF had a forum for the sex industry. I came here mostly for caregiver support but found this one looking through the forum list.

Basically I dance on weekends at a club near my house. I would dance more but I really am afraid I would get lost in the life. I really can't afford to do that either. I've been dancing on the side for about 4 years now. I have a day job to but I don't make enough there to support myself and my two brothers. One of my brothers is handicapped so he needs my support. otherwise I probably wouldn't have to dance. I don't blame him for it at all. I am glad I am considered pretty enough to make money to help him.

I just hate what goes along with the job. The creepy guys, being around drugs, being around so much drinking, having to make yourself believe a lie you don't. It feels like my face is stuck in a fake smile and fake laugh that I forgot how to really laught and smile. I stay pretty clean though, I don't do drugs, and I rarely drink. I think some of the other girls don't like me because of that. I know some of them don't like me because I don't do what most of the others do. I just wish they would mind there own buisness. I guess I can understand them not really understanding my situation. I really don't make it public knowledge. It's not that I am ashamed, it's just really personal and the girls at work don't need to know.

I never thought I would be a stripper. It still sounds funny to even think of myself doing that. Obviously it's not that I am better than stripping. It's just not where I saw myself say ten years ago. I was so embarassed when I asked for a job there. I work really hard at my other job and I just can't make enough. It's not a good feeling knowing you can't support your family honestly.

I'm Lissette

 

[Criada]

Welcome Lissette
I am sorry you are in this situation. You are supporting your family honestly, though, sweetie... not in the ideal way, but you're not out mugging people or robbing banks!

It is wonderful the way that you care for your brothers, they are very fortunate to have you.
I hope that you can find a different way of earning money, which doesn't make you feel bad about yourself, sweetie
And remember, you are very, very much loved by God, and he does have a plan for you.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Lissette! Welcome! My name is Cortney and I am a former stripper. I admire your love for your brothers as well. I can't imagine being in that situation. I have met several women that were from other countries that were sending money back home to support their whole family. It's situations like that and yours that break my heart.

I am glad you stopped by here to get to know us. Things have been a bit slow around here, but there's a lot of good people here that you may enjoy getting to know.

 

[New Creation]

Hi Lissette! My name is Paula and I'm a former stripper too. (Sounds like a recovery meeting here eh?)

I danced from age 18 to 34 and I'm a married stay at home mom now.

I really admire your dedication to your brothers. They are indeed lucky to have you. I'm glad you made your way here. It's a very supportive place. there used to be a lot of threads here but they were moved- that's why it looks so bare here. This forum has been around for about 4 years now- Courtney started it. I hope we can help you find a realistic solution for a very real situation.

What is your faith situation? No judging here- just curiousity. I've been Christian for aobut 7 years and joined the Catholic Church last Easter.

I look forward to getting to know you.

 

[Zerlina]

Welcome, Lisette. I've never been in your difficult situation re: having to care for someone who is dependent on you; I can't imagine how scary that must be sometimes. *hug* For what it's worth, I think you're incredible for being able to do that.

Totally 100% relate to everything else you posted though. Being frozen in fake emotions is exhausting, and being the only one sober on a regular basis is...well, exhausting too. Being a natural introvert makes things even worse...and the guilt...ughgh.

What are your plans? Any ideas on how you might one day get out and transition into doing something else? And to echo NewCreation, what is your faith like at the moment? Do you have any kind of real-life support, people you could turn to if you needed?

Anyway, welcome, glad to have you here and I will be praying for you and your brothers.

 

[OnceUponATime1]

Thank you all for so many nice replies. I will try and answer you all as best I can.

Criada,

True. I do atleast work for my money. I would never steal or get money that way. I just have a heavy emotions about this. That is a better way to put it I think.

I love my brothers so much! They are basically all I have left. They love me to and we have a good thing family wise. It isn't like it use to be for my younger brother. I feel bad for him because life has changed so fast. I know that can't be easy for a boy his age. I trust god has a plan for me. I have to question if it is a good one though at times. It isn't good to doubt but it's hard not to. I just have to trust it is I guess.

Thank you so much!

Courtney,

Honestly it is tiring. I work eight and a half hours at my day job then have to go work at night on the weekends it's hard. My day off from my day job is tuesday so I don't get much rest. Taking care of the house, shoppings, etc is usually the rest of the time. I'm actually from France but my mother was from the United States and had my older brother and I here so we're citizens. I moved us here four and a half years ago.

It seem there are many good people here. Thank you for introducing yourself

Paula,

In a way it does sound like a recovery meeting

Ah okay, that explains the look of it then. I came mostly to the forums just to meet people. I don't really get time to myself so I hope it helps for that. It seems like it is though. You all seem wonderful.

I'm Catholic. I try and get to church when I can but I work most saturdays and sundays. If I go I usually go on the weekdays. I go about twice a month. I wish I could go more but I have a hard time finding good days.

Thank you Paula

Zerlina,

It's really scary for me having people need me like my brothers do. My older brother has Duchenne's muscular dystrophy and my younger brother is twelve so they rely on me for most things. Most of dreams are bad about not being able to pay a bill or losing a job. It's so stressful at times especially when my older brother is sick. I worry about him all the time. Thank you though for saying such kind things.

Personally naturally I am a mix of being introverted at times and extroverted. I think at the club though I really introvert around the other girls and people I work with. I just go there to make money and I do well for just working a few days a week. I think that mixed with not really doing drugs or drinking makes some people not like me.

Well I am praying get a promotion soon at my other job. I think I may get word if I am going to get it within six months or so. If I get the promotion I could quit the club. My faith is Catholic. I personally go in and out of deep faith and questioning though regularly.

I moved to France when I was under a year old so most of my friends live there. My father went to jail for white collar crimes tax evasion, embezzlement, and bribery. When he went to jail we lost all we had. I was nineteen at the time and I lost from my car to my clothes. My mom couldn't handle not being wealthy and she killed herself. I was twenty when I had to start taking care of my brothers. I moved us because we needed a new start and most people looked at us as criminals not just my dad. Since we moved to the United States I really haven't had a chance to meet to many people. I have some people at work I talk with but that is about it. I do go have coffee with them once in awhile things like that.

Thank you Zerlina

 

[New Creation]

Lissette, wow, you've really had to endure a lot. Your brothers too. I'm glad you guys are close.

I read a little bit about Duchenne's. Are you your brother's only caregiver or does he have people come in to help? Does he actually need a lot of help right now? How old is he and how old was he when diagnosed? How does he deal with it? What is he like? Hope you don't mind all the questions Lissette. I'd just like to get a better idea of where you are.

I'm really glad you don't drink or do drugs at the club. Your sobriety is so important. You obviously are an intelligent woman in many ways. what is your line of work in your other job? Is it something you like doing? What kind of things do you enjoy doing just for fun or your own pleasure?

Church might be a place for you to find some support for both your brother and helping you transition out of dancing. Since you are relatively new, you probably don't know many people yet but that can change for sure. I know many Catholic Churches are not 'outreachy' kind of places but there are many that are.
Perhaps speaking to your priest in private would be a place to start. Don't let embarrassment hold you back from getting help. Remember Lissette, they've heard it all. You should have heard the confession I had to make last Easter before joining the Church. FORTY years of hard core sin and debauchery. My priest said to me "I don't know how you got here Paula, but I'm really glad you did."

Anyway, I'm so glad you came here Lissette. I know how hard it is to feel so alone. We're glad to have you on board. I would like to offer Mass for you and your family tomorrow. Have a lovely night.

 

[anita coombe]

Hi there Lisette - wow - i didn't know this site existed at all....i came on just to look up about other stuff and here we are!....a bit about meL...my name is anita, im in NZ....beautiful here....im married now (8 years) with 1 son...13 year old, i used to be a parlour pro and a dominatrix, along side crime, abortions, depression, drugs, alcohol, suicide attempts, punk (yeeha) and tattoos...i too thought that i would be o.k....but kept trying and trying everything around me, including occult crap....all to no avail....oh, i'm 41.....never been sexy enough to be a dancer/stripper.....but L...i just want to encourage you girl.....God soooo has a plan for everything you are going through....and well done L on being honest!.....i would love to stay in touch with you girl....can i pray for you too!?....i am a hardcore prayer warrior.....i love it!
Love Hope & Blessings Lisette
Anita C ><> xx

 

[OnceUponATime1]

Paula, It has been really hard but we have become close because of it. I had to grow up so much in the last 5 or so years. I was basically just your typical spoiled teen and then I was forced into a really hard role. I feel bad for my brothers for having been put through so much.

My brother has a nurse come to the house in the mornings when I am at work. She is there for about an half hour or so. I am his primary care giver though I do most of what he needs done. It is very day to day if he needs help or not. Of course when he gets sick even if it's a cold he usually is hospitalized. I get so scared when he is sick because he is weak and I know it hurts him more than it would you or I. He can't walk so he needs help mostly in the morning to get ready, washed, and in his wheel chair. He is okay once he is in his chair though. I set the house up so he wouldn't have trouble reaching things from his height. I usually cook lunch for him at night so he can reheat it when I am at work so that usually isn't a problem. It's harder for him now though to pick thing's up that have to much weight. We're adapting though he loves to read so instead of buying books now I have to buy books of CD or tape so little things like that I change. My younger brother helps when he gets home from school around 2:30 so he is okay. He is twenty six and he was three when he was diagnosed. Honestly he handles it much better than I do. He isn't angry or bitter and he doesn't make excuses. He hates what I do to pay for his things but I won't let him talk me out of it. We spend hours just talking, he is my best friend. He loves to read and write. He actually writes some wonderful stories about all sorts of things Sci Fi, Historical Fiction, Fiction. He has never let his affliction reach his mind, he loves to learn. I always tell him he got the brains of the family lol. He's a beautiful person my parents always saw him as a burden and pawned him on an army of physcians and special teachers. I promised when my mother did what she did that I would never do that to him. I think we have all grown much stronger because of it. My younger brother is a much stronger person now and so am I. I don't mind the questions at all Paula.

I might have a mix drink or two like once in awhile but never get drunk or high. I just can't do it with all I have going on. Ya I have to be sober, I can't slip up one day. To many people depend on me. I am a secretary at an insurance company. It is funny that I actually got into one of the best universities in France and now am a secretary. It is okay though I couldn't go with how things happened with my father. I will be better prepared if I do ever go to a university. I don't mind my job, I wish I could do more important things though. My boss likes me though and he teaches me about his job. So I hope one day that people will notice that. He is helping me try and get promoted. Well I don't get much time to myself. I like to do relaxing things when I get it though and just listen to music or light candles and take a bath. I don't get time to go out or really be with friends for more than a few hours.

I go to Church but I usually just go for mass. I could look into things more maybe and see if they have outreach? I've been avoiding confession out of shame and embarassment. I know it's not good to hold sin in though but I am not a very open person at first. I need to work on that I know because not talking won't solve my problems. That was so nice of your priest to be understanding and thankful.

Thank you so much for offering a mass that is very nice Paula. I appreciate the time you are taking believe me!

 

[Criada]

Lissette, you are an incredible woman, and the way you are coping with all life has thrown at you is an inspiration
Your brothers sound like wonderful young men as well!
I know how easy it is to doubt when everything seems to be against you, sweetie... sometimes all we can do is try to cling on and wait for things to get better.
Remember, God says:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."(Jeremiah 29:11)

You and your family do have a hope and a future, sweetie, even though it is hard to see.

Remember sweetie, even if you can't manage 'confession' yet, you can always confess to God and receive His forgiveness. I don't know a lot about the Catholic church, but even if that isn't recognised as confession, God recognises it, and you can confess to your priest when you feel stronger.

You and your brothers are in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie.

 

[Criada]

Hi there Lisette - wow - i didn't know this site existed at all....i came on just to look up about other stuff and here we are!....a bit about meL...my name is anita, im in NZ....beautiful here....im married now (8 years) with 1 son...13 year old, i used to be a parlour pro and a dominatrix, along side crime, abortions, depression, drugs, alcohol, suicide attempts, punk (yeeha) and tattoos...i too thought that i would be o.k....but kept trying and trying everything around me, including occult crap....all to no avail....oh, i'm 41.....never been sexy enough to be a dancer/stripper.....but L...i just want to encourage you girl.....God soooo has a plan for everything you are going through....and well done L on being honest!.....i would love to stay in touch with you girl....can i pray for you too!?....i am a hardcore prayer warrior.....i love it!
Love Hope & Blessings Lisette
Anita C ><> xx

Welcome to CF, Anita

 

[RuthD]

Zerlina,

It's really scary for me having people need me like my brothers do. My older brother has Duchenne's muscular dystrophy and my younger brother is twelve so they rely on me for most things. Most of dreams are bad about not being able to pay a bill or losing a job. It's so stressful at times especially when my older brother is sick. I worry about him all the time. Thank you though for saying such kind things.

Personally naturally I am a mix of being introverted at times and extroverted. I think at the club though I really introvert around the other girls and people I work with. I just go there to make money and I do well for just working a few days a week. I think that mixed with not really doing drugs or drinking makes some people not like me.

Well I am praying get a promotion soon at my other job. I think I may get word if I am going to get it within six months or so. If I get the promotion I could quit the club. My faith is Catholic. I personally go in and out of deep faith and questioning though regularly.

I moved to France when I was under a year old so most of my friends live there. My father went to jail for white collar crimes tax evasion, embezzlement, and bribery. When he went to jail we lost all we had. I was nineteen at the time and I lost from my car to my clothes. My mom couldn't handle not being wealthy and she killed herself. I was twenty when I had to start taking care of my brothers. I moved us because we needed a new start and most people looked at us as criminals not just my dad. Since we moved to the United States I really haven't had a chance to meet to many people. I have some people at work I talk with but that is about it. I do go have coffee with them once in awhile things like that.

Thank you Zerlina

I am so sorry that so many traumatic things have happened to you. You are a strong woman to be surviving so well. God bless you.

 

[OnceUponATime1]

Criada,

Thank you for the compliment! I may not do as good as I could but I always try my hardest to do the best I can. I have been clinging on hoping things get better. I have to otherwise I think I would get totally buried with worry. It's hard not to but I can't let myself feel like that for more than a moment.

I have to trust more than I do that there is a plan behind what has happened. It is really hard for me to trust just about anything after the things that have happened to me. I need to start to though it will take some of my stress away I think. It's very hard to though but I will make it a goal of mine.

I confess and pray to god a lot even if it isn't the standard way to do it. I just have hard time telling people I strip so it took me awhile to even confess it to god. This is such an embarassing thing for me.

Thank you Criada for being so understanding.

 

[Criada]

How are you doing, sweetie?

 

[New Creation]

Hi Lissette.

Just thinking about you and hoping you're ok.

 

[OnceUponATime1]

Hi,

I am okay, just so very tired. Four years of men not fit to look at you when you were younger now with there hands all over you can do that I suppose. I was brought up entirely different than I am living and it is hard to know which is a total lie. It is hard to be so debauched on weekends and then just have to act like nothing is wrong. I love my family though so I can't appologize for what I do. My brother tells me I never smile these days. I think he is right but it is hard to be happy. I work forty or more hours a week at one job and then degrade myself on weekends. I'm not complaining I just think when I look at our situation it makes me so much more angry at my parents.

My father writes us monthly but we haven't replied in some months. I just can't deal with his self pity more than I already have. I feel like we were just left behind in a sense. I talk to my friends once in awhile from back home but they just look down at me, I can feel it. I hope I would not do the same to them but I am not nearly that confident I wouldn't. It hurts to hear of there lives and just wonder if things were different how mine and my brothers would be. They have romantic weekend getaways and the closest thing in my life to that is a weekly costumer who stumbles in the club once the bars close. He is quite good looking, pays very well, and is good conversation but it isn't real or anything. Well it's just hard being in my skin these days.

Sorry to complain or seem jealous. I really am not like that all the time. Some days I just wish I would wake up to how things use to be. I am lucky to have my brothers though. Without them I might have joined my mother but I have adjusted to our new life.

 

[Criada]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you have to put up with all that, I wish there were an easy way out.
No one has any right to look down on you, my dear... if anything they should be looking up to you - your selfless love for your brothers is very rare and very wonderful. You are very, very precious, sweetie, don't let anyone - including yourself - tell you otherwise.
You and your family are in my prayers

 

[OnceUponATime1]

Criada,

Ya I guess there not really good friends for doing that. I just have changed so much since they knew me it has to be a bit weird for them. I do wish they were more understanding though. Since I don't know many people here I could use good friends to talk to back home. Sometimes I think I don't treat myself as well as I should. I can look down on me to.

I am a bit stressed out with easter coming up. I have so much work to do to get ready! I am busy to with the weekend coming up. How are your preparations coming?

 

[New Creation]

Hi Lissette.

It sounds like you feel pretty lonely these days and are also feeling like you are missing out on many of the things that people your age are doing.
The party scene is pretty overrated my friend and I'll bet you already know that, although getting away once in a while can be very therapeutic. I'm sorry your friends aren't being there for you as you need. They probably have a hard time relating to you now as you are basically a parent and they are fairly care-free.
there must be some sort of support group around you that you can join where you can unload once in a while and maybe make a friend or two. I realize that you have a lot of responsibilities but you have to take care of yourself too. Perhaps there is a prayer group or something at your Church that you can look into. Even if it's just one night a month, you need something for yourself Lissette.

I am excited about Easter weekend as it will be my first full Easter as a Catholic. On Friday, we will attend 7:00 Good Friday Mass.
Saturday, I am taking my daughter Meaghan to an Easter tea party and egg hunt at our Community Hall. We are going to decorate our hats for a contest.
Saturday night my husband and I will attend the Easter Vigil, my favourite Mass of the entire year. I can't wait. It is an amazingly profound Mass.

Sunday we will attend Mass in the morning but have no plans after that. A quiet Easter dinner would be nice!

I hope you have a blessed Easter dear Lissette.

 

[OnceUponATime1]

Sounds like you had a busy but very nice easter Paula.

Mine was okay I was all stressed out because I had to work my day job and strip friday and saturday untop of making dinner. I am not the worlds greatest cook so that added to the stress lol. We did make it to church though on sunday morning which is always nice. I love easter mass, I find it very uplifting.

My brother got sick about a week ago and had to go to the hospital he just got out yesterday. I was so scared I was getting sick myself over it when I was at work. My boss is really understanding so he let me leave early a few days so I could get my younger brother and visit him. He is a really good boss I couldn't ask for a better one. At the club this girl was talking to a costumer and trying to get him to get a lap dance but I walked by and he wanted me to do it. So I said yes and she confronted me about it like it was my fault. I just couldn't deal with that with all going on with my brother you know? I started crying and just had to walk away. People can be so mean I swear to god. It balances out though my favorite costumer came in and we talked about it for like 2 hours and he assured me it wasn't me fault she was just being jealous. I think he is probably right but she just didn't have to be so mean.

Having some problems with my youngest brother to. He is a really good soccer player and plays on his school and town teams. He wants to play AAU which is like a regional team but it's like over 500 dollars and I want to give him the money but I just don't have it right now. He isn't taking it to well and I feel like I am holding him back. I feel like the bad guy now and I hate feeling like that. He doesn't ask for much at all so I do feel bad.

I am quite lonely right now. I don't want to go out and party because that just isn't me but I wouldn't mind going out on a date or going out for a day trip with friends. I have been to busy to call any of my friends over the last 2 weeks and they haven't called me so I am just going to see how long it takes them to call. I feel like I always have to call them.

The church I go to has a rosary group on thursdays and saturdays I might try and go to. They also have support group for care givers on tuesdays and thursdays. I am going to go thursday because I am on vacation this week from my day job. So I will just see how it is and check it out. I can't go normally though because I work when they have it.

Hope you're doing well!