I'm very new...and nervous about this post, honestly. I don't know where to start except, wow, I now know I have OCD.
Why does that hurt to say? Why is it easier to say, "panic disorder" or even "depression?" Something about obsessiveness and compulsions, I think, make me feel weak and disgusting.
ah, where to begin? I am a 30 year old stay at home mom of two little beanies under four. I love them more than I could have ever imagined. I am married to the very best that God could have possibly created for me...well, which is to say, anything He creates is good, but I was trying to sound romantic about it. haha. Anyway, you get it.
I remember having "thoughts" as a teen...I thought they were spiritual in nature and I was prayed over and they "disappeared." It wasn't until, actually, after high school that I started obsessing about HIV or pregnancy...but, these were ourgrowth of sinful choices on my part. Again, I dismissed it. Later, I began having massive panic attacks and, through therapy, I grew to understand them and chose a healthy lifestyle over medication. Funny, though, after being on med for a little while, I started noticing an exacerbation of symptoms more than ever. But, it came and went.
Then, childbirth. To be frank, I was a single mother at that point, so, I had the world on my shoulders and, in my humiliation, I fully, utterly surrendered it all to Christ. It "took," praise HIS name. But, go figure, around that time, I began having these thoughts of illness (mine or my child) and I'd symptom check...and check again...and google...and freak out...and I'd feel that familiar adrenaline rush of fear-response...and I'd have to seek reassurance...and I'd check again...and again...well, you know the story.
Now, I've had these health anxiety spikes but my obsessiveness isn't limited to this. I've feared not loving my spouse, cheating on him, being a lesbian, harming my kids, having an accident, being victimized in a parkinglot, anything that could possibly happen to kids, I've worried about that, drive by's, tornadoes, etc. But, the checking and "research" is limited to 1. health, 2. safety, 3. End Times/apocalypse fears, 4. loss of salvation.
I suppose I don't have it as bad as some might...I am unsure. I know I am tired...and I need rest from it. I do not know what my next step should be or who to speak with this go-round.
What do you mean when you say we are not to "cancel" thoughts or say, "no," or "never?" I mean, I understand the concept and I've really gotten better in just distracting myself or saying, "Um. Not based in reality as perceived by God in His word" which is really beneficial. A lot of this is directly proportional to the amount of time I'm spending with the Lord vs. let's say, reading news blogs. Know what I mean?
Well, this was a long intro. I'm glad to be here. I'm learning so much by just lurking!
Why does that hurt to say? Why is it easier to say, "panic disorder" or even "depression?" Something about obsessiveness and compulsions, I think, make me feel weak and disgusting.
ah, where to begin? I am a 30 year old stay at home mom of two little beanies under four. I love them more than I could have ever imagined. I am married to the very best that God could have possibly created for me...well, which is to say, anything He creates is good, but I was trying to sound romantic about it. haha. Anyway, you get it.
I remember having "thoughts" as a teen...I thought they were spiritual in nature and I was prayed over and they "disappeared." It wasn't until, actually, after high school that I started obsessing about HIV or pregnancy...but, these were ourgrowth of sinful choices on my part. Again, I dismissed it. Later, I began having massive panic attacks and, through therapy, I grew to understand them and chose a healthy lifestyle over medication. Funny, though, after being on med for a little while, I started noticing an exacerbation of symptoms more than ever. But, it came and went.
Then, childbirth. To be frank, I was a single mother at that point, so, I had the world on my shoulders and, in my humiliation, I fully, utterly surrendered it all to Christ. It "took," praise HIS name. But, go figure, around that time, I began having these thoughts of illness (mine or my child) and I'd symptom check...and check again...and google...and freak out...and I'd feel that familiar adrenaline rush of fear-response...and I'd have to seek reassurance...and I'd check again...and again...well, you know the story.
Now, I've had these health anxiety spikes but my obsessiveness isn't limited to this. I've feared not loving my spouse, cheating on him, being a lesbian, harming my kids, having an accident, being victimized in a parkinglot, anything that could possibly happen to kids, I've worried about that, drive by's, tornadoes, etc. But, the checking and "research" is limited to 1. health, 2. safety, 3. End Times/apocalypse fears, 4. loss of salvation.
I suppose I don't have it as bad as some might...I am unsure. I know I am tired...and I need rest from it. I do not know what my next step should be or who to speak with this go-round.
What do you mean when you say we are not to "cancel" thoughts or say, "no," or "never?" I mean, I understand the concept and I've really gotten better in just distracting myself or saying, "Um. Not based in reality as perceived by God in His word" which is really beneficial. A lot of this is directly proportional to the amount of time I'm spending with the Lord vs. let's say, reading news blogs. Know what I mean?
Well, this was a long intro. I'm glad to be here. I'm learning so much by just lurking!
Keep talking.
