Hi. My Name is......

[justanobserver]

I wish there was a patent on guilt. Think of the money we could earn just splitting the shares!

LoL! I could own a small country by now!

sometimes I wonder if we keep our guilt as a "pennance" perhaps for our past? I have said a thousand times to family types I am sorry and a thousand times I been told your forgiven and I will say it thousand times more. if I dont, then I feel guilty.

maybe I oughta hire a lawyer and do a patent search??? and then get a patent if one aint found??

 

[PrairieGurl]

Weird...just less than an hour ago...I shared with ~B I didn't really have anything to post here...now I'm wishing that would have stayed that way!

It's not even 9 a.m. and I'm thinking a numbing drink or some heavy duty seditives would work very well at this moment...

Lately (over last week or so) my h has been on a 'rampage'...he's the type of guy that holds everything in, and one day he is going to completely explode...my hope is it's not on me. The thing is when I was under the influence of anything this happening would not have bothered me a bit....unfortunately...at this time I'm terrified! See that honesty thing I hate...I would sooner be in denial and say this does NOT frighten me!

So there you go...1st time in a while I've wanted the numbing effects that alcohol brings.

Wendy

 

[LoG]

Denial keeps a person locked into the same response time and time again. Admitting a problem opens one up to look for a solution whether it is the serenity to accept what we cannot change or the courage to change the things we can.
Denial is a state from which comes hopelessness because of the feeling that life is always going to be this way or we will always have to respond in a way that blinds us to what we see as an unacceptable situation.

By going through the pain of dealing with it by whatever way God would have us, resolves the issue one way or another so we can live life without fear.

 

[justanobserver]

Weird...just less than an hour ago...I shared with ~B I didn't really have anything to post here...now I'm wishing that would have stayed that way!

It's not even 9 a.m. and I'm thinking a numbing drink or some heavy duty seditives would work very well at this moment...

Lately (over last week or so) my h has been on a 'rampage'...he's the type of guy that holds everything in, and one day he is going to completely explode...my hope is it's not on me. The thing is when I was under the influence of anything this happening would not have bothered me a bit....unfortunately...at this time I'm terrified! See that honesty thing I hate...I would sooner be in denial and say this does NOT frighten me!

So there you go...1st time in a while I've wanted the numbing effects that alcohol brings.

Wendy

I am so sorry to hear about this. As weak advise as this may sound, please hang in there and DONT drink or use. Please.

You are in my thoughts.

 

[formykidsiwill]

Hi.

I've been 'lurking' without posting, sometimes i feel like what is the point...

Anyway, I am back with my ex husband. (my situation is complicated, and I don't have the energy to get into the entire story so bear with me) but together we have 5 children. My oldest biological son was 10 months when we married, his two were 2 and 4. Ironically, their Mother had died in a car crash one year before I met their Dad. (alcohol related) so my son's Dad had gone to prision, convicted under the habitual offender act, LIFE, with parole, so at the time (I was 18) I was looking for a Dad for my son, when I met this man, the one I am with now, it seemed perfect. Instant family, we both NEEDED each other. I didn't love him then, I did grow to love him, but I don't think I was ever IN love with him. (i'm not sure i KNOW what love is anymore)
My oldest son is a handfull. He has ADHD, and is even hard for me to tolerate, and I love him. He and my husband never got along. To make a long story short back in 2002 we divorced my son went to live with family, because of the strain between him and my husband, soon after we divorced. I fell apart. My Dad had died in 2000 (my best friend) and that's when my disease 'took me down'
Well, I just had another baby, and my oldest son came home to live, (they couldn't handle him anymroe) so I thought it would be best to get back with my ex. I DO love him, and I thought it would work.

MY oldest son's Dad's convicion was OVERTURNED!! I still love him, and have thougth all of these years about him and now I have a shot at making things work.

I am in the process of moving out. I have to know. I haven't been sneaking around seeing him, I have been talking to him. I am risking SO much. (security) but still, I have to know. I feel like this is such a gamble, and i've ran it by my sponsor, I've prayed. I dont' know what to do at times, because of the security. I just feel my heart is leading me to go ahead and move out. I know that the relationship may not work, but it's worth it to me to see.

SO that is what is going on, i'm not asking for advice because i and I alone have to make this decision, but ofcourse I'm posting on an open forum so anyone who feels led may comment.

Blessings,
B~

 

[PrairieGurl]

Dearest ~B,

All I have to say is, thinking of you!

And send you s & s

With Love,
Wendy

 

[PrairieGurl]

I'm at work...my safe haven. And because I can not live here...I must learn to live a life without alcohol and drugs.

Yesterday was the first time that I can remember such fear. The panic was real and scary...as seen, I did not know how to react.

Today is a better day. I saw my doc yesterday and told him of the situation and desire to 'numb' the fear... and other stuff that has been going on in my life. He was expecting at some point and time this 'period' in my life.

I do have a place to go should anything 'bad' happen at home. Since my h won't go for counseling, Alanon, or anger management....I will just have to wait and see.

Change the things I can............

Accept the things I can not change.........

I'll be making a list of which is which.

Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

Hi.

I've been 'lurking' without posting, sometimes i feel like what is the point...

well, one point is that some of us care about you and even if its just a quick "hi and bye" post - its better than not hearing nothing at all and wondering if your ok.

Anyway, I am back with my ex husband. (my situation is complicated, and I don't have the energy to get into the entire story so bear with me) but together we have 5 children. My oldest biological son was 10 months when we married, his two were 2 and 4. Ironically, their Mother had died in a car crash one year before I met their Dad. (alcohol related) so my son's Dad had gone to prision, convicted under the habitual offender act, LIFE, with parole, so at the time (I was 18) I was looking for a Dad for my son, when I met this man, the one I am with now, it seemed perfect. Instant family, we both NEEDED each other. I didn't love him then, I did grow to love him, but I don't think I was ever IN love with him. (i'm not sure i KNOW what love is anymore)

My oldest son is a handfull. He has ADHD, and is even hard for me to tolerate, and I love him. He and my husband never got along. To make a long story short back in 2002 we divorced my son went to live with family, because of the strain between him and my husband, soon after we divorced. I fell apart. My Dad had died in 2000 (my best friend) and that's when my disease 'took me down'
Well, I just had another baby, and my oldest son came home to live, (they couldn't handle him anymroe) so I thought it would be best to get back with my ex. I DO love him, and I thought it would work.

MY oldest son's Dad's convicion was OVERTURNED!! I still love him, and have thougth all of these years about him and now I have a shot at making things work.

I am in the process of moving out. I have to know. I haven't been sneaking around seeing him, I have been talking to him. I am risking SO much. (security) but still, I have to know. I feel like this is such a gamble, and i've ran it by my sponsor, I've prayed. I dont' know what to do at times, because of the security. I just feel my heart is leading me to go ahead and move out. I know that the relationship may not work, but it's worth it to me to see.

SO that is what is going on, i'm not asking for advice because i and I alone have to make this decision, but ofcourse I'm posting on an open forum so anyone who feels led may comment.

Blessings,
B~

Its not for me to say yay, nay, good, bad, win, lose, cut bait or fish. You got a lot on your plate to deal with and I am the last one in this world qualified to tell you what on that plate to eat first!

I so do wish you all the best, wish to you all the wisdom for you to make the right desicions for you and yours, happiness and peace inside, and that no matter how crappy it gets out there, how bad it seems, you got some friends here that care and what happens with you, believe it or not is important to us. so, please dont disappear in the world of lurking only.

 

[justanobserver]

I'm at work...my safe haven. And because I can not live here...I must learn to live a life without alcohol and drugs.

Yesterday was the first time that I can remember such fear. The panic was real and scary...as seen, I did not know how to react.

Today is a better day. I saw my doc yesterday and told him of the situation and desire to 'numb' the fear... and other stuff that has been going on in my life. He was expecting at some point and time this 'period' in my life.

I do have a place to go should anything 'bad' happen at home. Since my h won't go for counseling, Alanon, or anger management....I will just have to wait and see.

Change the things I can............

Accept the things I can not change.........

I'll be making a list of which is which.

Wendy

all I can say is that I wish the best fro you and am glad for that comment in your post that I bolded....

you will take care and be safe. and stay sober!

I know its so easy for me siting here thousands of miles away to give such easy advise but its advise I have to rely on myself with the stress and burn out from my pesonal things, ranging from this hellhole I live in to my kids acting out and the trouble they are in. I want so bad to chcuk allthis sobriety, call in the escuses and reasons to make it all ok and get drunk. But I cant and wont. at least today. right now. this minute.

tomorrow?? will worry about that when it gets here....

 

[formykidsiwill]

well, one point is that some of us care about you and even if its just a quick "hi and bye" post - its better than not hearing nothing at all and wondering if your ok.




Its not for me to say yay, nay, good, bad, win, lose, cut bait or fish. You got a lot on your plate to deal with and I am the last one in this world qualified to tell you what on that plate to eat first!

I so do wish you all the best, wish to you all the wisdom for you to make the right desicions for you and yours, happiness and peace inside, and that no matter how crappy it gets out there, how bad it seems, you got some friends here that care and what happens with you, believe it or not is important to us. so, please dont disappear in the world of lurking only.

Thank you for your support, and you too Wendy, it means a lot. I have a BAD habbit of shutting people out. I've felt the need lately to connect with people. I have been reaching out to my sponsor more, and 'something' tells me in time my 'circle' will grow. (If I hang around the right people)

Anyway, I wanted to share this, before I was honest with my 'current' (i hate to use names) I had gotten to where I could hardly get out of bed. I had caught a 'cold' and I have IBS. My symptoms were flared up. I prayed about what to do. I want to keep this right. I didn't know how to handle that, since how do you say, I just don't love you. (Except when to do so would INJURE them or others) so, i kept hearing 'be honest' when I prayed. I didn't want to, but I finally did, and I have been physcially getting better ever since! I haven't had any symptoms of the colitis (IBS) and my cold immediately started to go away! I feel grief, for breaking this man's heart. I want to love him, for his sake, for the kids sake, but I WON'T SELL MYSELF OUT ever again. I love me!!! I don't know how this will work out. I am going to move, but on my own. I am going to be self sufficient and keep the relationships in my life strictly 'friendly' at least for 6 months, that's my goal anyway. I really don't want to hurt anyone but it's better to be honest now, then to go on pretending I love someone when I don't. I would wind up drunk that way.

I am at peace today about all of it, and today is all I have to worry about.

Blessings,
B~

 

[LoG]

When I was first coming around AA I was given an audio tape of Terence T. Gorski on Addictive Relationships. It helped me to see some things about relationships that saved me a lot of potential heartache and helped define what it is that needs to be looked for in healthy, peaceful and loving relationships. It was an eye-opener from the way I used to think.

Unfortunately I have lost the recording but I see it available here: Why Love Goes Wrong In Recovery (Audio CD)
There are other books also that deal with the nature of love and attraction and are a good resource for many of us because we often need some education in that area of our lives also.

 

[PrairieGurl]

A couple days past 4 months of coming out of the hell hole I was in.

A few 'slips', few bad choices later...and here I am!

Glad I have such a fiesty personality...I'm not giving up...this 'thing' is not going to beat me!!!

And I realize...I can not do this alone...

This new experience of experiencing things sober, is most of the times a great thing...the other times, something I will learn to 'work thru'

Wendy

 

[PrairieGurl]

When I was first coming around AA I was given an audio tape of Terence T. Gorski on Addictive Relationships. It helped me to see some things about relationships that saved me a lot of potential heartache and helped define what it is that needs to be looked for in healthy, peaceful and loving relationships. It was an eye-opener from the way I used to think.

Unfortunately I have lost the recording but I see it available here: Why Love Goes Wrong In Recovery (Audio CD)
There are other books also that deal with the nature of love and attraction and are a good resource for many of us because we often need some education in that area of our lives also.

Thanks for this Lion of God.

I don't know if it's wrong or not...but my 'main' relationship is not top priority with me at this point and time...this will be info to look into tho.

Why is it that 'they' say (I've never really appreciated much that 'they' had to say) that you should take care of yourself first... and yet 'they' say all these other things one must do? Which is it? Take care of yourself 1st or deal with all this other stuff? Or do both at the same time?

Just wondering if anyone has an opinion on this.

Wendy

 

[LoG]

I don't know if it's wrong or not...but my 'main' relationship is not top priority with me at this point and time...this will be info to look into tho.

The 'main' relationship is God. (See first commandment). As a recovering alcoholic if God is not my main relationship I will not have another relationship worth having. That's been my experience anyway.

Why is it that 'they' say (I've never really appreciated much that 'they' had to say) that you should take care of yourself first... and yet 'they' say all these other things one must do? Which is it? Take care of yourself 1st or deal with all this other stuff? Or do both at the same time?

Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Taking care of self often involves doing these other things.
The most loving thing I did for myself was to surrender my will and life to God, cleaning up the wreakage of the past by forgiving and making amends to those I was angry and resentful towards.
It is not about a trip to the Bahamas for a month.

 

[justanobserver]

A couple days past 4 months of coming out of the hell hole I was in.

A few 'slips', few bad choices later...and here I am!

Glad I have such a fiesty personality...I'm not giving up...this 'thing' is not going to beat me!!!

And I realize...I can not do this alone...

This new experience of experiencing things sober, is most of the times a great thing...the other times, something I will learn to 'work thru'

Wendy

I'm glad your not giving up either!


feisty, huh? (gives Wendy a wiiiiiiide berth....)

When I got sober, it was re-learning to do some things, think in some ways, act in some manner that I wasnt used to. The habits I got into - the automatic reach for the fridge door after work to grab a beer - I mean that was automatic, before checking the answer machine, saying hi to anyone etc - grab a beer to get the feeling started. After the first 6 or so was gone shortly after arriving at home, then the next stage (you could set your clock by my actions - so predictable) was the bottle of vodka..... then the obligatory bottle (not glass) of wine with dinner - even if it was just a can of beans toi eat - I still had a bottle of wine. this was my weekly habits.

weekends was the deep drinking. aint gonna go there.

The other habits one wouldnt think about till you sober up - one for example like how I would shop at the grocery store - I would go first to the hard liquor/wine section THEN the rest of the store, with automatically hitting the beer section as the last stop before check out lline. If I was limited in funds, then the priority was to booze, then food then sundries (tp, toothpaste, soap, etc). I always kept a case of beer on hand at all times.

Didnt realize how much I wrote here on this.

But I had to break the habits and get my mnd conditioned into either changing a pattern or replacing in the pattern. And then getting my mind to function in a new capacity as sober while doing it.


i still catch myself in some habits that I didnt think of when I drank.

One day at a time!!!

 

[PrairieGurl]

The 'main' relationship is God. (See first commandment). As a recovering alcoholic if God is not my main relationship I will not have another relationship worth having. That's been my experience anyway.

Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Taking care of self often involves doing these other things.
The most loving thing I did for myself was to surrender my will and life to God, cleaning up the wreakage of the past by forgiving and making amends to those I was angry and resentful towards.
It is not about a trip to the Bahamas for a month.

Thanks Lion Of God.

Noted.

And I wish a month trip...I'd take Greece tho.

Wendy

 

[PrairieGurl]

I'm glad your not giving up either!

The other habits one wouldnt think about till you sober up - one for example like how I would shop at the grocery store - I would go first to the hard liquor/wine section THEN the rest of the store, with automatically hitting the beer section as the last stop before check out lline. If I was limited in funds, then the priority was to booze, then food then sundries (tp, toothpaste, soap, etc). I always kept a case of beer on hand at all times.

One day at a time!!!

Glad we don't have the liquor/wine section in our grocery stores! Got to go to the LBS for that! Extra trip....not worth the effort.

 

[Alexo]

Not sure if these forums are active anymore, but i stumbled across them.

Anyway, i'm Alex, and yep. I'm an alcoholic and an addict.

 

[LoG]

Hello Alex and welcome.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Not sure if these forums are active anymore, but i stumbled across them.

Anyway, i'm Alex, and yep. I'm an alcoholic and an addict.

Hey Alex

Welcome and yep...these forums are still active!

Glad you joined us

Wendy