Hi. My Name is......

[Garnet2727]

Hi Norm,

Being new to sobriety and all, I'm not sure I have anything cogent or helpful to offer. I don't really see that not sharing all the things that go on in one's journey to sobriety is particularly dishonest. Revealing the dark side of our natures to others is particularly difficult. Revealing that same side to ourselves, while more difficult, I think is the most important. I dunno, I suppose I'm not making sense.

All I know for sure right now is that it really is one day at time. Sometimes one moment at a time. And each of us finds, hopefully, the things that work.

 

[mustang_94]

Hi everybody. My name is Jim and I am an alcoholic. Been sober since 1985. 1st. meeting in 1977. Not really an instant success. When I came to A.A. I was living in a tent in the woods, alone and afraid, self-pity oozing from every pore. I had a wife and two children that I could no longer support and who could not let me live with them because of my violent behavior. I had become so paranoid I could not walk in a store and buy anything. Thank GOD for drive-thru's.I walked into my first meeting wearing a pair of boots with one sole half off, sliding my foot so it wouldn't flap. Just generally having fun and meeting new friends!!! I,m going to do this in several post since I can't make this thing make paragraphs. Computer illiterate, you know?

 

[mustang_94]

I did not have any problem with the first step. I knew I was insane. When someone said God, I dove under a chair And begged them not to tell him I was there. I knew He had a gun and was looking for me. (Isn't this fun? ) At the end of my 3 days of soberity, I got drunk to try and stop the shaking on the inside of me. I didn't shake on the outside, just the inside. It felt like a box of glasses quivering. Anyway, I was sober 3 times in three weeks. Made 30 days and whoop's. Long story short took me 3yrs. to get 1yr. Enough about that. More to be revealed, read on.

 

[mustang_94]

I did have wheels early on so, guess who they sent to bring the drunks to meetings, hospitals,food banks, rehabs, etc. ( one thing I remember from that era is that the book says into ACTION, not into ME.) I got a sponsor and then went to meetings on the other side of town so He couldn"t bother me about what I said in the meeting ( or about the girls I picked up, now that I was divorced. Really, I was just helping them with their problems ). Made it eight yrs. this time. Only God knows how. But, you know, if you play, you pay!! MORE? Ok.

 

[mustang_94]

I got a sponsor who had about 16 years at the time. If I ever met a man who was totally insane and yet totally at peace with himself, it was him. I had known him for some yrs. when I wound up on his door-step in tears and I knew he was a christian. I also knew that God wanted nothing to do with me. Oh, I had played the game. I had taken the 3rd step, ALONE. I had admitted my faults as "I" saw them. (just me and God) No need to ruin my reputation you know. Blah, Blah, Blah. I informed him that my problem was probably in the 7th step. Believe me, I had studied the book and could talk all about the steps. I just couldn't let anyone in. He said the 4th step was an inventory of my MORALITY, not a list of how I had been wronged. I had never thought of resentment as a moral issue. Have you?

 

[PrairieGurl]

I had never thought of resentment as a moral issue. Have you?

Moral as in 'referring to right and wrong'?

Do you still have a sponsor? Still going to meetings?

Wendy

 

[mustang_94]

The night I did my fifth step, he knelt down in his living room floor and held his hands out to me and said "So, let's invite God here to hear your fifth step." I knelt with him and he said a very simple prayer, asking God to come and hear my confession. The presence of God was so real I wanted to get up and run. I left his house feeling so clean. I remember that the air tasted like honey when I walked out. When we got to the ninth step I hit a bit of a snag. I had committed a burglary 20 yrs. before - had done my time and saw no reason to revist the mess. He said I had paid the state but not the owner. I insisted that he had suffered no lose (I had been arrested at the scene.) He told me the man did not need me but, I needed to face him. I said I would if I ever ran into him. I didn't even know who he was. Do you want to know what happened? Stay tuned.

 

[mustang_94]

Moral as in 'referring to right and wrong'?

Do you still have a sponsor? Still going to meetings?

Wendy

Hi Wendy, YES TO ALL THREE

 

[mustang_94]

Three months later I found myself face to face with this man and did not know who he was until he told me about selling his business and retiring. He named the business and I almost fainted. I ran to my sponsor and said what do I do? I mean what are the odds of encountering this man after so many years and in a large city? Well you can guess what he said with a smile. Folks, I almost wimped out. But, I could not go on living as I had. Found where he lived and showed up on his doorstep at nine in the morning on Saturday. Boy, was he suprised. I explained who I was and why I was there. I think he and his wife went into shock. I told them that I wanted to make restitution in whatever way they would accept. I explained about A.A. and the steps and asked what I could do. He said he wanted nothing from me. That just the fact that I would come and offer was enough.

 

[mustang_94]

He asked If I would listen to a story. Of course I would. He said he had always drank but, when he retired he had really liad into it. A fifth a day and more. One morning he began to bleed from every opening in his body. Rectum, eyes, nose, mouth, you name it. After giving him numberous pints of blood, the Dr. told him that if they could not stop the bleeding in the next 20 mins. he was going to die. He said he had a grandson that he loved so much. When the Doc left the room, he looked up and said, "God, if you will let me live to see my Grandson grow up, I will never touch another drop." The bleeding stopped. He had not drank for three years. He told me with tears in his eyes that A.A. must be a wonderful place and he was going immediately. As I was walking out his door, he said "Son, God bless you." No one had ever said that to me "like" that. I was in tears all the way home. My Lord walks with me and he talks with me and tells me I am his own. Thank you A.A. Thank you people who never gave up on me. Thanks to those who read here for letting me run on. I hope it helps if I tell I love you as only one drunk can love another. It is my job to stand at the gate of the Catheral of GOD and help the next drunk put his hand on that gate.

 

[formykidsiwill]

WOW. That was quite a story. I especially like what happened when you went to make restitution.
Thanks for sharing the story.

I think its neat how this works. I kind of see it like a big puzzle, and every person has a piece and each time someone shares a little of themselves the puzzle becomes more complete.

 

[PrairieGurl]

I enjoyed your story also Mustang. (and the way you shared it )

Haven't been around much...kinda just reading others posts and such.

Still 'dry'...still thinking too much...yes...that pondering thing.

Was sick for a bit and probably enjoyed the meds too much.

Am slowly getting back in touch with my AA friends as they call and leave messages (as I still have not found my 'phone book').

Am working quite a bit and just loving it!!! I do love this freedom to enjoy life without all the 'additives' I used to add to it. I so love and I do mean LOVE my job!

Anyways...that's it...well not exactly...but that's all I got to share now. Just stopping by to say HI to all!

With Love,
Wendy

 

[mustang_94]

Hello to all, Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad everyone is ok. I'm out of town on week days. Hate the motels, etc. But I'm grateful for my job. Having been unemployable. Don't drink, go to a meeting, say a prayer, and be a blessing to some one you don't know. You will be glad you did. God bless!!!

 

[justanobserver]

Hi everybody. My name is Jim and I am an alcoholic. Been sober since 1985. 1st. meeting in 1977. Not really an instant success. When I came to A.A. I was living in a tent in the woods, alone and afraid, self-pity oozing from every pore. I had a wife and two children that I could no longer support and who could not let me live with them because of my violent behavior. I had become so paranoid I could not walk in a store and buy anything. Thank GOD for drive-thru's.I walked into my first meeting wearing a pair of boots with one sole half off, sliding my foot so it wouldn't flap. Just generally having fun and meeting new friends!!! I,m going to do this in several post since I can't make this thing make paragraphs. Computer illiterate, you know?

Hi Jim. welcome!

21 yrs sobriety! wow! my hat's off to you. welcome to the thread. enjoyed reading your posts. look foward to reading more.

Norm

 

[justanobserver]

havent been posting here for a few days. Sometimes i got things to say and other times, I still do but aint got the where with all to put it all together and other times, like lately, well, just got my mind cornered up in thoughts and got things on the mind and sometimes, well, just sometimes you just dont know what to say or even if theres really anything really to say. maybe some of it is my reclusive life and mindset and maybe some of it is just not quite yet used to opening up, albeit cyber wise, to the world and a part of me is still holed up in the hills of my mind and somewhere in my heart and soul I am still out there on a patrol at 2 am wondering if we would make it back to base camp or not but some memories are hard to leave. memories can be very strong and a hard thing to get away from. I get like this time to time. Been told I oughta go to teh VA and talk to the doc but he aint gonna tell me nothin I dont already know. But memories go hand in hand with reflections and reflections is a inward mirror I think thathelps me to see myself then and now.

guess I did have things to say from ponderin some.

But, regardless of posting thoughts that run around in the squirril cage betwixt my ears;

Hi. My name is Norm and I am an alcoholic.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Glad you 'stopped by' Norm.

Just wanna share the fact that one of the gals I met at an AA meeting called today.

She's from California and she and her girls came all the way up here to lil ol Saskatchewan! Go figure. Another Angel sent just for me. When I first heard her share and seen her soul thru her eyes, there was an instant connection. She called at just the perfect time today...4 drinks down and considering a whole lot more.

Norm...I wish I just had a squirrel running around in my head...it feels like a herd of elephants.

Still sending s to all...cause God knows... we all need them!

Wendy wanting to give up...but knowing that's not an option.

 

[formykidsiwill]

Glad you 'stopped by' Norm.

Just wanna share the fact that one of the gals I met at an AA meeting called today.

She's from California and she and her girls came all the way up here to lil ol Saskatchewan! Go figure. Another Angel sent just for me. When I first heard her share and seen her soul thru her eyes, there was an instant connection. She called at just the perfect time today...4 drinks down and considering a whole lot more.

Norm...I wish I just had a squirrel running around in my head...it feels like a herd of elephants.

Still sending s to all...cause God knows... we all need them!

Wendy wanting to give up...but knowing that's not an option.

Hi Wendy. Sorry about the chaos. The first thought that came to mind was as long as your still picking up those elephants aren't going anywhere. The only ease I get from the mind is when I don't use. ANYTHING. I say first things first, just don't drink. no matter how bad it gets.
Although the memories won't go away they aren't quite as bad when I'm not piling new ones on top of old ones, that is pure torment.
I just keep reminding myself, when I think of those awful memories that is not me today. For today I'm doing what I know is right. I can't worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. TODAY is it.

I'm glad you were honest about it. That usually helps. Just know your loved okay.

Much love friend,
B~

 

[PrairieGurl]

Hi Wendy. Sorry about the chaos. The first thought that came to mind was as long as your still picking up those elephants aren't going anywhere. The only ease I get from the mind is when I don't use. ANYTHING. I say first things first, just don't drink. no matter how bad it gets.
Although the memories won't go away they aren't quite as bad when I'm not piling new ones on top of old ones, that is pure torment.
I just keep reminding myself, when I think of those awful memories that is not me today. For today I'm doing what I know is right. I can't worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. TODAY is it.

I'm glad you were honest about it. That usually helps. Just know your loved okay.

Much love friend,
B~

Dearest B~

Thanks...I do know I'm loved...and when it all comes down...that's the most important thing to know and feel.

The 'elephants' in the head...are not of my past of drinking...it's things I know I must tell my H...and I really don't know how to do that. I mean I guess just 'spilling the beans' would be the way to go. My mind has just been mush lately and to have a straight thought just doesn't seem possible at this time. A mushy brain with a herd of elephants running around in it...doesn't sound all that good...although it does sound funny. I'm just grateful my mind works properly at work. Work has become my 'reprieve'.

It's 4:30 a.m. and I'm up cause my 18yr old is not home. A Mom thing...ya know, kid not home...ya wake up and wait. He went to a Kegger Rookie Hockey Party last nite. He didn't phone or leave a note...so I don't know exactly at whose place he's at...what shape he's in (although I can just imagine) ....wandering thoughts...........
The positive...he didn't drive.

Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

got a phone call this morning - it was my son,the one in jail waiting to go to prison. it was so good to hear from him that all i could do was just listen to his voice. he asked if I was still on the hone and I was - just wanted to hear him talk, to hear his voice.

My emotions are so diverse and so scattered right now. sad, glad, mad, angry, worried, afraid, concerned, hurt, loving, sorrow, the desire to want to protect my son but knowing I cant.

right now its all i can do not to go to a bar, tie one on and pick a fight with the biggest biker (been there, done that, went to jail), to vent the frustration, to get a lot of this anger out, so I post here instead and use this as a safe pressure release valve.

he is facing 5 plus yrs and some of it is his fault but some aint and the aint is what I want to go north and deal with the system msyelf. but it is a foolish thing to think and to do and all I can do is hurt in my heart, fight the trigger that this is that tells me how I can get rid of the pain and hurt thru a bottle and instead I am here posting, listening to my music (guess I should be listening to calm of Bach instead of Aerosmith...). I know its not all feelings about my son but also some unresolved anger/bitterness as well from active duty that I never let go after I got out. It pops up itys ugly head in times like this.

anyhooos, it hurts right now, that as a dad I cant do anything for my son except to just sit here an tell him how I love him. I want so much to do more but legally and morally and physically I cant. it is hard to be so close and so far at teh same time. we just started to talk and get to know each other after over 10 yrs of no real contact and not seeing each other (personal stuff).

now we are or were starting to talk/see each other when he got down my way (he is 6 hours north of me) and now he is going to go away for a long time.

am sorry for this personal blog type post but I just need to get it out in a manner of anonymity that I can expres and release some thoughts.

it was so bittersweet to talk to him today. knowing he was in jail I dont know when I will be able to see him (he is way north of me) and when I heard that recorded voice saying "you have one minute left" telling me he had to go, it hurt. it really stinkin hurt.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Norm...no words...just a big...I CARE

Wendy