Hi. My Name is......

LoG · Sep 4, 2006

WantToBe said:
Wendy
Who's it's one day at a time, and the past is, well, the PAST!

Truly it is past but there is also a saying that those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Means that although I don't go beating myself up for slips, I need to look at what may have led up to it and trying to determine what I need to do different in future to prevent it from happening again. It also affirms how much God needs to be involved in the process because left to my own devices and power I don't have a chance if I am truly an alcoholic/addict.

Some thoughts for consideration.

PrairieGurl · Sep 4, 2006

Lion of God said:
Truly it is past but there is also a saying that those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Means that although I don't go beating myself up for slips, I need to look at what may have led up to it and trying to determine what I need to do different in future to prevent it from happening again. It also affirms how much God needs to be involved in the process because left to my own devices and power I don't have a chance if I am truly an alcoholic/addict.

Some thoughts for consideration.

OUCH True reality.
At times the realization that I can never have a drink again is VERY real, and then there's those moments... ya know?
I guess it's only out to resturants with those who do not drink and my husband. I'm completely helpless without God!

Wanting to learn from my mistakes,
Wendy

LoG · Sep 4, 2006

WantToBe said:
I guess it's only out to resturants with those who do not drink and my husband. I'm completely helpless without God!

Wanting to learn from my mistakes,
Wendy

AA is not about hiding from the booze but recovering from the need to indulge in it. Look deeper to what led to the desire to pick up a drink.

justanobserver · Sep 4, 2006

WantToBe said:
Thank you, the little smilie warmed my heart.
What you shared is so true and encourageing. There really is hope!

Falling...yesterday...mid afternoon, I went with my Sis-in-Law for a drive in the country (which was grand with the windows down, letting the wind blow thru our hair and smelling the freshness of country air) we went to a new Golf Course for a late lunch. The waitress asked if we wanted anything to drink besides water, I asked what the house wine was...Sis looked at me and said "Are you sure"? and we both ordered a glass. It tasted so good, had a lovely lunch and decided to have a Bailyes with my coffee . Shortly after my stomache started to ache, a headache surfaced and I felt ... I came right home as I did not want to face anyone, then in bed I started sweating I felt very and guilty this am, I didn't check your post out right away...I asked the Lord to forgive me, and I know I have to forgive myself. Then here I find your post...'don't beat yourself' Difficult, but not impossible.

Thanks for your love and support and especially your prayer.
Wendy

Wendy, I oh so understand how we are harder on our selves than anyone else would be. Sometimes I look like I just got out of a bar fight against a gang of bikers as to how hard I am on me.

What I find, and this is just for me, is its good to watch out for me, who else is gonna? Who else can really take inventory? but when I beat the snot out of myself for everytime I mess up, well, gues it could be another definition of 'self abuse'.

I dont physcially hit myself except maybe to smack myself on my forehead and question my intellegence by referring myself to an ignorant ummm, rear end.....

But what I find and an old boy that been in AA for a long time told me once and i have to remind myself of it a lot is that dont beat yourself up any more or less than you would someone you love.

I thought about this, then think I saw what he was talking about. If you put yourself (meaning anyone, not you in particular) down a lot or are especially hard/demeaning/setting higher than reality expectations, then you set yourself up for defeat. At least thats how I took it and see it for me. Chances are you wouldnt run a loved into the ground but support them and help them - do the same for you.

If I am negative about me, thinking that I am a worthless peice of, well, what you might step on on the lawn, then your self worth will go with it, depression and pessimistic "I will never win" mentality takes over and you can wind up worse and its harder to overcome.

clear as mud??? least wize, thats how I took what he said. I still do beat myself up silly somewtimes BUT I have to take the time and see my good, my worth and praise myself if need be. That I am a good person, that I do have worth, that I can overcome and do not need an external product to influence my internal man. And if I do slip, I know how to get back up and try again. I will keep doing it till I no longer need to. I will hold my head up, let the world know that its just another step in my life that I must take. And I will be that much stronger for it.

I re-read this and I think I am more talking to me than anyone. it is good to do these things. I think its also along the line of taking inventory.

hang in there girl! since you been posting here, everytime you mention you having a bad day, you always got right back up and kept going!

I have all the confidence in you and everyone else here.

justanobserver · Sep 4, 2006

Lion of God said:
AA is not about hiding from the booze but recovering from the need to indulge in it. Look deeper to what led to the desire to pick up a drink.

well said!

PrairieGurl · Sep 4, 2006

Lion of God said:
AA is not about hiding from the booze but recovering from the need to indulge in it. Look deeper to what led to the desire to pick up a drink.

"During my drinking career I rarely got beyond the excuse of "I just felt like it", but when I got in the program was told to look at the deeper motivations and triggers because these were the real reasons why I would get that thirst that only alcohol could satisfy. Reasons like being angry at the wife/girlfriend because of a fight, fretting over finances, ticked off at being cut off on the highway, and sometimes just because I felt I "deserved" a drink. " LION OF GOD

I share this with my fellow AA Friends because I believe it to be SO true. "I just felt like it", something once too often said to myself!
This wise man also said that once he went thru step four, he learned what the triggers were that made him want to drink.
As I am 'avoiding' step 4, (to be honest with myself) I can't understand the 'triggers' all AA members speak of. I understand now what the 'trigger' was that led to Saturday afternoon.

Wendy

PrairieGurl · Sep 4, 2006

Norm,

As always...your encouragement is greatly appreciated!

Wendy

PrairieGurl · Sep 4, 2006

You know how one speaks of 'The Higher Power" I believe He knows what we need before (if ever) we do.
I have misplaced/lost my little AA book with the addressed to meetings and priceless phone #s of my new friends Anyways today there was a message from one of my new AA Friends with her phone #'s given I called her back and we are meeting @ 7:45pm at a meeting I have not been at before.
I don't believe in coincidence...so credit where credit is due, Thank You to my HIGHER POWER

Wendy

PrairieGurl · Sep 4, 2006

I know this will come as no surprise to you...

I went to the meeting tonight and heard just what I needed to hear!

ed my eyes out, but what bothers me is, then I turn hard...and can't remember what started the tears running

This was the first meeting I saw someone that I first new outside of AA. For some strange reason...I felt ashamed, like digging a whole and in the first time in quite a while...had an anxiety attack...which I counteracted by deep breathing and near destroying my coffee container.

Thanks for the prayers and support!
Wendy

justanobserver · Sep 4, 2006

WantToBe said:
I know this will come as no surprise to you...

I went to the meeting tonight and heard just what I needed to hear!

ed my eyes out, but what bothers me is, then I turn hard...and can't remember what started the tears running

This was the first meeting I saw someone that I first new outside of AA. For some strange reason...I felt ashamed, like digging a whole and in the first time in quite a while...had an anxiety attack...which I counteracted by deep breathing and near destroying my coffee container.

Thanks for the prayers and support!
Wendy

was it maybe you felt like you didnt have anonymity?

perhaps this is chance to have a friend at and after the meetings that you can share, give and receive support from? if they are christian, all the better, right? I been to meetings before where I would see a soldier I knew from base and he would look panicked and I would smile and shake his hand. after the meeting, what was said there stayed there and he would go his way knowing I wasnt going to say anything to his sergeant or command. wasnt worried about him talking - shoot, everyone knew I went.

justanobserver · Sep 4, 2006

WantToBe said:
You know how one speaks of 'The Higher Power" I believe He knows what we need before (if ever) we do.
I have misplaced/lost my little AA book with the addressed to meetings and priceless phone #s of my new friends Anyways today there was a message from one of my new AA Friends with her phone #'s given I called her back and we are meeting @ 7:45pm at a meeting I have not been at before.
I don't believe in coincidence...so credit where credit is due, Thank You to my HIGHER POWER

Wendy

thats neat you found your book today. I have a folder on my desjtop lebeled AA where I keep meeting schedules, downloaded maps to other towns/meetings if I ever want to make the drive, AA web site and other info.

I dont keep the personal info like other AA members phone numbers, etc on it tho. although I got firewall, virus scan, anti spyware, password protection, lock on my bedroom door, baseball bat, bad breath and bad attitude, I still dont trust security fully on computers.

PrairieGurl · Sep 5, 2006

justanobserver said:
was it maybe you felt like you didnt have anonymity?

perhaps this is chance to have a friend at and after the meetings that you can share, give and receive support from? if they are christian, all the better, right? I been to meetings before where I would see a soldier I knew from base and he would look panicked and I would smile and shake his hand. after the meeting, what was said there stayed there and he would go his way knowing I wasnt going to say anything to his sergeant or command. wasnt worried about him talking - shoot, everyone knew I went.

Hey Norm,

And your online...could anything else go more perfect today ? There still is 58 minutes left in this day!
I had someone to talk to after the meeting, it's just that they had a couple of B-days at the meeting. So..... The gal I knew did say "Hi sweetie, small world, eh"? My feelings were just that, ya know, stupid mental lapses.

Everyone (other than my family & close friends, cause they all knew I had a problem before I did) will know someday...I want to share! Share about the freedom!

Wendy

justanobserver · Sep 5, 2006

WantToBe said:
Hey Norm,

And your online...could anything else go more perfect today ? There still is 58 minutes left in this day!
I had someone to talk to after the meeting, it's just that they had a couple of B-days at the meeting. So..... The gal I knew did say "Hi sweetie, small world, eh"? My feelings were just that, ya know, stupid mental lapses.

Everyone (other than my family & close friends, cause they all knew I had a problem before I did) will know someday...I want to share! Share about the freedom!

Wendy

its different with everyone, the reasons for "coming out" or not, sopme have professional issues to deal with, families, etc. For me, I dont take out a front page ad telling the world but everyone who knows me knows I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I tell them and tell them how long I been sober (tomorrow is 2 yrs sober).

I lived a life in the miltiary that being inthe shadows so to speak, secrets, lying about what I was doing and where (Counter Drug down south. someday maybe I might talk some about it), hiding my life or parts of it. Its like one day I woke up and found I am 40 different guys with 50 different lives and so many secrets and half truths that between my wanting to forget a lot and the foggy memories of being drunk or loaded, I ralized a lot of my problems were from hiding myself and who/what I am.

So, I said no more, some things have to remain confidential in my past (other folks involved - not sex or that stuff) but I dont like to have secrets anymore, no hidden things, nothing that I cannot "expose" to the world if needed. I tell my ex when we talk ask anything sahe wants and I will tell her what and when and where (if I can).

But thats how it works for me and I got nothing to hide or run away from or be ashamed of and no one can hold anything over me. I love it!

justanobserver · Sep 5, 2006

One thing I been thinkin of is how perhaps we may change one addictin for another and could it be hurting our recovery. I logged back on a few minutes ago (did the above reply post) because I was outside having a smoke. I have wuit several times adn my roomate (my step dad's brother) has talked with before anout trying to quit and when I re-start again, I say I would rather smoke than drink. sounds good, at first.

then I got to thinkin yesterday about this and after I wrote a post about stand tall and firm and be strong in sobroety, i got to thinkin - what a hypocrite! here i am telling someone to be strong about not drinkin, writing my advise like I know what I am talking about and here I am smoking a cigaret because I got some fmily issues, a son headin to prisonm a living situation that I feel like I am living in prison or hell. I use all these justifications
to light up a smoke because "it calms me" when alli am doing it trading one addiciton for another.

its like my "Higher Power" (to quote a dear friend here...) turned up my internal dimmer switch and made it brighter for me to see. So, the choice of intake is different but the reasons are somewhat the same. not a good thing.

formykidsiwill · Sep 5, 2006

justanobserver said:
One thing I been thinkin of is how perhaps we may change one addictin for another and could it be hurting our recovery. I logged back on a few minutes ago (did the above reply post) because I was outside having a smoke. I have wuit several times adn my roomate (my step dad's brother) has talked with before anout trying to quit and when I re-start again, I say I would rather smoke than drink. sounds good, at first.

then I got to thinkin yesterday about this and after I wrote a post about stand tall and firm and be strong in sobroety, i got to thinkin - what a hypocrite! here i am telling someone to be strong about not drinkin, writing my advise like I know what I am talking about and here I am smoking a cigaret because I got some fmily issues, a son headin to prisonm a living situation that I feel like I am living in prison or hell. I use all these justifications
to light up a smoke because "it calms me" when alli am doing it trading one addiciton for another.

its like my "Higher Power" (to quote a dear friend here...) turned up my internal dimmer switch and made it brighter for me to see. So, the choice of intake is different but the reasons are somewhat the same. not a good thing.

Hi! I'm not saying smoking is okay, whatever, really, It's none of my business, BUT smoking is not mind altering, so technically I wouldn't count it. You are just damaging your lungs and circulatory (spelling?) and your body, but the mind altering is the bad thing. (Like me and the pain pills ) YES, i've been avoiding that issue like the plague, did anyone notice... )
Anyway, I just thought you might be being a little too hard on yourself here.

Thanks everyone for all the sharing. I don't always know what to say, or have anything relevant to the conversation but I do grow from reading what you all post, thanks.

May "God" OR, the God of my understanding as is AA standard be with me, and us all, this disease is sooooo difficult. I love you guys, really.

Blessings,

PrairieGurl · Sep 5, 2006

Hi

The smoking issue...ick One addiction for another. Doesn't that just happen to us addicts?
Personally, my doc said not even to consider quitting smoking at this point and time of my recovery. He is major anti smoking!, so hearing this from him, made me think he must know something I don't (which is not a surprise )

I think I may have even...difficult to type...used money, or properly said, spent money to get that 'high'. This I will definately deal with. I'm going to go think on this. Won't take that long...all I have to do is walk into my closet or look at my receipts And another problem arises for this gal

s & s,
Love you too Formy!
Wendy

justanobserver · Sep 5, 2006

formykidsiwill said:
Hi! I'm not saying smoking is okay, whatever, really, It's none of my business, BUT smoking is not mind altering, so technically I wouldn't count it. You are just damaging your lungs and circulatory (spelling?) and your body, but the mind altering is the bad thing. (Like me and the pain pills ) YES, i've been avoiding that issue like the plague, did anyone notice... )
Anyway, I just thought you might be being a little too hard on yourself here.

Thanks everyone for all the sharing. I don't always know what to say, or have anything relevant to the conversation but I do grow from reading what you all post, thanks.

May "God" OR, the God of my understanding as is AA standard be with me, and us all, this disease is sooooo difficult. I love you guys, really.

Blessings,

Hey! Thanks for your thoughts. I apppreciate it. I really do. Everyone has something to add, to say, to input, to express, to support. What you may think as nothing much might just be the thing that helps someone herew get thru a real bad day. I read every, I mean every post more than once to see if there is something I might have missed. Maybe someone had gone thru what I am currently and they got the answer right there in the post.

So, please please post a reply, an answer, a comment, a daily thought, your feelings, your hopes, your victory for the day, whatever you want to share with your friends here.

I know what your saying about smoking not mind altering (well, there is that brief "high" with the first smoke in the morning but thats not what your talking about). What I mean is not the physical addiction so much, perhaps I mis-state what I was trying to say in my other post but more so the mental atitude.

For me, when I started smoking again recently, my exscuse was "would rather smoke than drink" as well as I am stressed today, thngs aint good and I need a smoke rather than a drink instead. It, to me is the mindset of the escuse, the having a reason, the not dealing correctly with a problem that enabled me to drink in the past. Instead of a bottle, I grab a pack of smokes. For a drunk, that may be one step better BUT to me its the same thing but just using something else instead of booze. maybe not physically but mentalyy which our minds and its games can be just as bad if not worse than the physical.

for me, its something I am gonna have to work on. instead of dealing with something to correct it, I use the escuse I need a smoke. (when it use to be I need a drink)

formykidsiwill · Sep 6, 2006

Thank you justanobserver. I found this poem I wrote and thought I could share it with you all, it's one of my favorites, I was feeling HOPELESS when I wrote it.

I stretch forth my hands
blood drips from my finger tips,
I am sickened by the stench
The cess pool of rottenness
rising from.........
Dear God, FROM ME!
What have I done?
The blood on my hands
leaves a stain, Crimson Red
is the color-
I've pleaded night after endless
night for a proper cleansing.
I do not know what else to do....
This must surely
not be a mark I shall carry
as I carry life.......
wearily......
Endless are my days
The voice coming from my mouth
is scratchy and shaky-Tired...
I've screamed for redemption
and I've found...
blood stains, Crimson Red in color
as my companion...
SO, I ask no more
Instead I wearily accept my doom
and carry on as best as I can.
The God I prayed to at the first,
He has apparently gone,
I've tried to reason the blatent
facts of this away,
I stop briefly only to find
the stench continues
to nauseate me;
the Crimson Red blood
dripping from each of my fingers
tells me the horror of what I've
denied
My Guilt, My Crime
I clutch handfulls of hair
with blood soaked hands
I curl up in a ball,
I try to scream but
my voice won't let me howl
Only muffled grunts come in the place
of screams.
Tears swell up inside my body reaching
the surface like a River
nearing the Danger Flood levels but.....
The strongly built levy holds,
though I long for it to burst for relief...
.....It holds....

Copyright Brandy H.

newcreature · Sep 6, 2006

Hi all!!! Hope you guys are having a great evening or day. Sorry I havn't been able to write for a while. I am having problems with my five year old son. He has gotten into 3 fights at school, has been disruptive and destructive during class, and has lunch detention for three days.

I had to take him out of two daycares b/c he couldn't get along with the other kids and the teachers couldn't handle him anymore. One daycare, he got into a fight at age 4.

I could ignore it and hope for the best when I was drinking, but now I am having to face the challenge of raising him sober. Boy, what a challenge it has been thus far.

I spoke with one of my "sobriety sisters" last night because the urge to drink was so overwhelming. She prob. only said three words the whole conversation, but just being able to share where I am at helped me to put things back into proper perspective.

I am still sober at this moment! But for the Grace of God, there go I!

Take care!

newcreature · Sep 6, 2006

formykidsiwill said:
Thank you justanobserver. I found this poem I wrote and thought I could share it with you all, it's one of my favorites, I was feeling HOPELESS when I wrote it.

I stretch forth my hands
blood drips from my finger tips,
I am sickened by the stench
The cess pool of rottenness
rising from.........
Dear God, FROM ME!
What have I done?
The blood on my hands
leaves a stain, Crimson Red
is the color-
I've pleaded night after endless
night for a proper cleansing.
I do not know what else to do....
This must surely
not be a mark I shall carry
as I carry life.......
wearily......
Endless are my days
The voice coming from my mouth
is scratchy and shaky-Tired...
I've screamed for redemption
and I've found...
blood stains, Crimson Red in color
as my companion...
SO, I ask no more
Instead I wearily accept my doom
and carry on as best as I can.
The God I prayed to at the first,
He has apparently gone,
I've tried to reason the blatent
facts of this away,
I stop briefly only to find
the stench continues
to nauseate me;
the Crimson Red blood
dripping from each of my fingers
tells me the horror of what I've
denied
My Guilt, My Crime
I clutch handfulls of hair
with blood soaked hands
I curl up in a ball,
I try to scream but
my voice won't let me howl
Only muffled grunts come in the place
of screams.
Tears swell up inside my body reaching
the surface like a River
nearing the Danger Flood levels but.....
The strongly built levy holds,
though I long for it to burst for relief...
.....It holds....

Copyright Brandy H.

What a wonderful poem you wrote. there have been many times I have felt the same way. God Bless you, and thanks for sharing!

Hi. My Name is......

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