Hi. My Name is......

PrairieGurl · Dec 21, 2006

Lion of God said:
Well thanks but not really. Just experience gained from doing everything backwards. God mainly had to protect me from me and I learned a few things along the way.

As in....you've done it all backwards...so us 'new comers' can learn from you, right Lion? Why is it that people can't learn from what others have gone thru? Why must one try it their own way???

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

PrairieGurl said:
Since it's my first Christmas with out the alcohol, any tips on how to not have 'that drink' at the In Law's? I don't know why, but it seems different than keeping away from it during any other day... make sense?

Hey you! what works for me (besides my dashing looks, charming personality and ability to win hearts and minds) - what I do if I am going somewhere that I know alcohol will or may be served, I tell the host right up front before I show (as in that earlier that day or the day of the invite) that I am a recovering alcoholic. I will tell them that i cannot drink and please do not offer me any - I will say no anyways but it would be polite and respectful to me if they dont offer.

I tell them I dont drink, but if others do, thats fine. I ask them not to change their plans for me. I also tell them that if I feel uncomfortable, I will leave or take a break. More than once, I will bring my favorite beverage - soda/etc for my useage if they dont have something that I would prefer to drink.

Only had a couple times of it being a problem but most folks appreciate the heads up and honesty ahead of time.

just my take on this.

oh, and if the few that wont respect my concerns? I either leave or just dont go.

you will do just well, my friend.

Norm

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

Garnet2727 said:
It makes a lot of sense. I have lately started taking my own things to drink when I go to someone's house. Fresca, caffiene free, sugar free and tart/sweet is my new found addiction. It's a comfortable, familiar taste that helps me get over the urge. One of my hosts once pressed me a to take a glass of homemade wine. I gave a little white lie, "I'm sorry. I'd love to try your wine, but I'm on a medication now that makes me ill if I have any alcohol."

My close friends and family know that I'm an alcoholic so it's usually only an issue when I visit acquaintances who drink. So, I guess it may be wrong to lie, but I've found it very effective when being pressed to have "just one."

Meh..I'm babbling...so I'll hush now.

you will NOT hush now! Garnet - we have a "rule" in this thread - you can babble/ponder/vent/ramble/talk/express/say/think/get it all out/unload as much as you need and its ok and on topic.

Myself - on the telling or not telling that I am an alcoholic, I (and this is just for me only, no reflection on anyone else) will tell whoever that asks that yes I am a recovering alcoholic, I make sure theres no misundertsanding or confuzzlement and there is no doubt in their minds about me and alcohol.

but thats just me and how i deal with things - I nip it real quick before down the road I have to deal with it with teh same person again. I may not be strong enough that day or be in the right frame of mind to say "no".

but, again, thats just me for me.

mustang_94 · Dec 21, 2006

Hey Norm you got a plan for the holidays?

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

BigToe said:
You can start a new tradition for yourself that doesn't involve alcohol. Then you can participate in the holiday traditions and not be tempted to do what you know you shouldn't or feel left out.

Big Toe - you just hit it on the head! this is good advise! start your own holiday or any day traditions that dont involve alcohol and take charge of your recovery!!

Big Toe - yer such a sweetie!

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

Lion of God said:
In my first couple of years of sobriety, I never went to a place where alcohol was being served without having a quick escape route if the need arose. I even told the hosts up front that if I suddenly disappeared it was nothing personal but that I valued my continued sobriety. Combined with prayer that God would give me the strength and the humility to leave if I needed to, kept me safe.

ps. On several occasions I found that by being up front with the hosts in that way, motivated them to not only respect my sobriety but even do what they could to protect it.

I so agree with this - be straight up up front, avoid any or most problems now and especially in the future by being honest and upfront about it.

I know all too well about the "escape route" when I was first in my sobriety visiting family or friends. I would sit near the door (front door or back), get nervous when I would see someone heading to a fridge expecting to see them get a beer, etc.

Even grocery shopping, I would deligeratley shop in a way that i avoided the beer adn wine and liquor sections. narrowed down my shopping some...

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

Lion of God said:
Well thanks but not really. Just experience gained from doing everything backwards. God mainly had to protect me from me and I learned a few things along the way.

I understand what you mean about learning by doing everything backwards. For me, the same AND also hard knocks. 2 steps foward and 3 back. This isnt my first time and try at sobriety but its the longest.

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

mustang_94 said:
Hey Norm you got a plan for the holidays?

hey Jim! nope. just gonna be home, online, around town, take in a meeting, doin a lot of NAPS! , watch some DVDs, etc.

and call my kids.

what you be doin?

LoG · Dec 21, 2006

PrairieGurl said:
As in....you've done it all backwards...so us 'new comers' can learn from you, right Lion? Why is it that people can't learn from what others have gone thru?

You could learn what NOT to do. but I guess reality is that after enough pain I did eventually do as was suggested to me.

Heard or read that an intelligent man learns from his own mistakes but the wise man learns from the mistakes of others. Less painful to learn from others, I find. The problem is that for me to be able to do that, I need humility. When I have those rare moments of humility, I realize that what happened to others when they took a certain path will also happen to me if I follow them. I no longer believe that I am smarter, stronger, or even more in tune with God then others. Quite a blow to the ego.

Why must one try it their own way???

I think for me it is because anything that is portrayed as not being a good thing to do, has an attraction for me. God says: "Don't do this" and I say "why not? Is it fun? Am I missing out on something if I don't?" "I'll just try it out so I know what I am missing out on but then I'll stop." Stopping was a lot harder than starting.

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

Garnet2727 said:
Hmmmm. Is anyone in the position where they can't allow some people to know they are an alcoholic? I can't let anyone I work with know that. I could lose my job and potentially, other jobs.

That's why I gave the example of a white lie in an earlier post. Any one else in this boat? How do you handle it?

I am trying to go back in the service and my alcoholic past (especially rehab) is a biggie right now holding things up. The recruiters "suggested" that I dont mention it but its a part of me, of who I am and what I am and told them last week if I cant do it right, then I aint gonna do it at all (re-enlist) and I wont lie about my past. So, I may not be able to re-up for the 2 yrs I need to retire but I already got a job that everyone knows, I mean everyone, that I am a alcoholic and it aint a problem.

I am lucky I guess as there are others such as you that cannot declare such and keep a job.

I wish I had an easy answer for you or good advise or even a fair suggestion but your not in an easy situation. What if someday someone sees you at a meeting or hears "rumours" from anywhere that your an alcoholic? what can or would you do?

mustang_94 · Dec 21, 2006

justanobserver said:
hey Jim! nope. just gonna be home, online, around town, take in a meeting, doin a lot of NAPS! , watch some DVDs, etc.

and call my kids.

what you be doin?

About the same. I been divorced about 12yrs. Kids live in san deigo. nobody but me. Moved into a fifth- wheel awhile back. And got sent out of town before I could get winterized. Been freezing for several weeks so I guess i'll get a room and hole up.

justanobserver · Dec 21, 2006

mustang_94 said:
About the same. I been divorced about 12yrs. Kids live in san deigo. nobody but me. Moved into a fifth- wheel awhile back. And got sent out of town before I could get winterized. Been freezing for several weeks so I guess i'll get a room and hole up.

well, tell you what, buddy - I will most likely be around here over the holiday(s) so if you see me on line - holler!

mustang_94 · Dec 21, 2006

Hey Lion, how are you? I have enjoyed your posts. Been trying to decide wether you were a little shy or kind of stand-offish. Do you still have a family or are you in the lost and found with Norm and I?

LoG · Dec 21, 2006

mustang_94 said:
Hey Lion, how are you? I have enjoyed your posts. Been trying to decide wether you were a little shy or kind of stand-offish.

Thanks Jim. I think a little of both.

Do you still have a family or are you in the lost and found with Norm and I?

I been married about 23 years now but asked her to leave about 18 years back. Staying married prevents future occurences, although I would deny I said that, if asked.

My Christmas will likely be spent at my mothers with a couple of brothers. Couple of meetings to round out the day likely.

mustang_94 · Dec 22, 2006

Lion of God said:
Thanks Jim. I think a little of both.

I been married about 23 years now but asked her to leave about 18 years back. Staying married prevents future occurences, although I would deny I said that, if asked.

My Christmas will likely be spent at my mothers with a couple of brothers. Couple of meetings to round out the day likely.

Thats such a great line, about the 23 yrs. Wish I'd said that . I'm still laughing. I wish I had been as wise. Could have avoided a diasterous 2nd marriage.
Hey, thanks for the laugh. I needed that. And with that I bid you all a goodnite.

Garnet2727 · Dec 22, 2006

justanobserver said:
I am trying to go back in the service and my alcoholic past (especially rehab) is a biggie right now holding things up. The recruiters "suggested" that I dont mention it but its a part of me, of who I am and what I am and told them last week if I cant do it right, then I aint gonna do it at all (re-enlist) and I wont lie about my past. So, I may not be able to re-up for the 2 yrs I need to retire but I already got a job that everyone knows, I mean everyone, that I am a alcoholic and it aint a problem.

Good for you. I admire that you are able to be "out" and stick to your guns.

I am lucky I guess as there are others such as you that cannot declare such and keep a job.

I wish I had an easy answer for you or good advise or even a fair suggestion but your not in an easy situation. What if someday someone sees you at a meeting or hears "rumours" from anywhere that your an alcoholic? what can or would you do?

Well, I don't go to meetings. I'm not exactly a shy person but I don't do well in a group setting..at all. I can't think of anything that would send me back to drinking faster than going to an AA meeting. I'm not saying anything bad about AA here. It's just that group therapy in any setting has never worked for me. I close up, shut up and only want to escape. So...that isn't an issue.

As for rumours that I'm an alcoholic, so far, so good as even when I was drinking heavily I hid it very well. Probably too well. My family and friends didn't even suspect until I told them. The only one who really knew was my husband.

I think if a rumour like that were to circulate around work, I'd actually be ok. I'm good at sqaushing rumors with humor and/or sarcasm. I used to drink socially with some folks from work. I didn't get hammered around them. Now that I don't drink at all doesn't seem to be a big deal, except with the one manager that really wanted me to try his home made wine. I'm not proud about lying on that one, but it was all I could think of in a pinch.

BigToe · Dec 23, 2006

As long as you know what you need to do to take care of yourself and your sobriety and you have the support system that works for you, if you don't tell everyone that's fine. If you drink or not really isn't anyone's business at work (unless it somehow effects your job performance). If people offer a drink you can just say no. If they insist I've heard excuses all over the place (from alcoholics and people who just don't like to drink) from being allergic, on medication, have to drive, didn't eat enough, have to be up early.... and so on. There are plenty of things to say that wouldn't even be a lie if you need to protect that part of your life for your own well being (like keeping a job).

Then there is always my fave answer to things I don't want to answer.... It is none of your business.

On a different note. I'm in my mom's house, seeing her for the first time in a year and a half. She's living with a man she met in AA. I don't like him. I applaud him for being in recovery and all that, but the guy's a jerk. But that's beside the point. I think my mom has replaced drinking with spending money and buying things. Is that something that happens? Do recovering alcoholics sometimes replace their addiction? I mean, I know other old behaviors haven't changed (either they will or they won't). So I didn't know if the addict in her replaced substances.

And I never ever thought I would say this, but she is almost worst now than when she was using. At least then we could say "oh she's acting that way because she's drinking/drugging." Her being sober and doing it really makes me see that it goes so much deeper than the using. What a scary disease people have to deal with.

Garnet2727 · Dec 24, 2006

*huggles on Big Toe*

My version of none of your business is to smile and change the subject. Oh look! Migrating geese! Or what a lovely dress/vase/picture you've got there.

As for your mother, alcoholism is often only one part of person's problems and being sober doesn't mean that other self destructive or harmful behaviors change. In fact, it's been my experience that behaviors that were ameliorated by alcohol can worsen.

I know it's tough to deal with particularly when one realizes that it wasn't all the alcohol but that the person just ain't all that nice or healthy, sober or not. The sinking realization that she's acting that way because that's who she is. Ouch.

And yes, addicts of all kinds can replace one addiction with another. I've made substitutions myself. Fortunately, they are rather harmless...soda for beer, hot chocolate for laced coffee etc. On the other hand, my smoking has increased dramatically which is not harmless. Hubby and I are both quitting smoking for the New Year...but I digress...

Hang in there, Big Toe.

justanobserver · Dec 24, 2006

Merry Christmas everyone. well, Merry Christmas eve....Happy Holidays, etc etc etc.

I trust everyone is doin well?

justanobserver · Dec 24, 2006

read this on MSN.com web site and thought it applied to this weekend for many of us, like me, that have no family but have good friends and some are here at CF.

[quote from link]
Our closest friends are our chosen family, observes Paul Siegel, an assistant professor of clinical psychology at the State University of New York/Purchase.

Particularly in cities, he says, connections ground us. So if you are unable to spend the holidays this year with family members, do whatever you can to create a sense of connectedness to others in your life. [/quote]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15638268/wid/11915773?GT1=8816

so, far as I am concerned, I am spending christmas/holidays with my family. No one may be on line right now BUT sooner or later one of you will be here to say hi.

So, when folks ask me if I spent christmas with family, I can say YES.

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