just sittin here with thoughts goin thru the grey matter. first off, had a huge panick attack last night and thru this morning. I bought a $200 dvd recorcer/vcr combo several months ago and it took a dump last night. still under warranty but need the receipt. guess what I couldnt find?????? tore my whole room apart looking for it. This morning I went thru some shoe boxes where I sotred old letters, photos, things associated with my past drinking and drugging when I was down south.
as I took the time to reflect on each note or photo and then the memory of that time or incident, I had to look at where I am at now and being sober and straight. My loife aint what I would prefer at this time and losing that receipt and the dvd/vcr going out took me to a frame of mind that I dont like - one that showed me i still got more "growing in my program to do" - I sit here now and can say that, true, I am not whre I would like to be yet but am sure a long ways from I was once.
A lot of those letters/photos/etc are in the trash now.
And I found that receipt about an hour ago.
Another thing that has been really ehavy on my mind (shared this with a friend here on CF) - I been out of the Army since Dec '00. My career went down hill about as far as one can go and my drinking led to my eventual dischrage shy of 2 yrs to retirement. Have mentioned this before.
I got a lot of memories of my career - some good, some pretty good and a lot that aint so good and some real bad.
It has bothered me how I got out and the way I got out and becoming a civilian.
This past Wednesday, about 3pm, my phone rang (the boss let all of us off early). It was a National Guard recriuter wanting to know if i wanted to come back in, do at least 2 yrs and get my reserve retirement (wont se it till age 62 or so) BUT just the idea of being back. We talked for a bit afte the shock of the idea and confirming it wasnt a prank call after all these years being out.
Many things to consider - my health - aint what it use to be - age, recovering in my sobreity, etc.
He said he will look into it and call me back to see if theres even a chance. I aint holding my breath about it being "yes' but its been heavy on my mind. Iraq came up and I told him I would go if it was to be but i figger I would be assigned to some local unit to repolace someone who went.
My oldest son should find out oif his appeal to the charges that will send him to prison will be considered or not this Monday. If not, he goes to prison.
My next younger son got caught smokin pot at school couple weeks ago and his mom who is a single christian mother is pulling her hair. he just dont care she sais. "You did drugs" he told me on the phone when I called and did my "dad" thing......
Sigh.....
Just got some things on my mind today.
BUT... I am SOBER and CLEAN today!! in some ways, not much else matters at this point except am i going back in? is my kid going to prison? is my other one on his way?
dontcha just love it!
Once again, I really do appreciate everyone who posts here and shares, encourages, supports, opens up, allows me to be their friend and get to know their lives.