Hi from noob

[UberIntensity]

Hey everyone. I was diagnosed with bipolar last year, but evidently I've had it since childhood. I'm currently taking Depakote, Celexa and Wellbutrin. I've never been hospitalized for this, but I can think of several times when I should have been.

I know what the major depressive pole feels like, and I know what the manic pole feels like. But right now I'm confused.
I'm dead tired and dragging all day, every day. If I sit still for more than 10 minutes I start to fall asleep. I can't concentrate; even though I'm fairly bright, I cannot focus most of the time on even a simple task, and multitasking will just cause me to sit there & fizzle out, staring into nothing. I can get extremely irritable, enraged even, but not usually depressed.

But around 10 o'clock at night, I wake up. I start remembering everything I wanted to do that day, and kicking myself for not having done it. I lay in bed, with all these thoughts and memories racing through my head. I want to get up and clean or something, but my wife wants me in bed with her. Most of the time, I fall asleep between 2 and 4 AM. When I do sleep, it's fitful and full of disturbing dreams.

I don't feel that the PA is doing an adequate job. I've been seeing him for a year and a half. Last year, a psychologist (not with the VA) diagnosed the bipolar. The more I read and learn about it, the more I agree with him. Now, we have insurance and access to a real doctor again, so I plan on getting a referral to resume treatment with him.

In the meantime, can anyone identify with what's happening to me? How did you handle it? What did you tell your doctor? What meds did you take? Did they help?

Sorry for all the questions; I'm still pretty new to this...

Thanks!

 

[Alive again]

Welcome. I deal with bp2 so some of what you share I do deal with and some I don't. I think you are very wise to seek help again! What I tell the doc is everything as truthfully as I know how. You may need some tweaking of your meds to find a better place/ Those rage episodes for me come in mania but I do know of some who have them with depression. There are also mixed episodes. Oh and the sleep disturbances are big time for me. I saw a sleep therapist for my insomnia through my insurance and she believes than a sleep disorder is the root issue of a mood disorder. I foudn that interesting, and have found following her advice to be helpful for me. What is so interesting about this illness and the meds is that what works for me may not work for you. Although we have the same illness, our bodies and there reaction to meds are all unique and yet similar.

So I think you are on the right path in seeking out care!

Welcome to CF! We hope to hear more from you! You will find this a very supportive and accepting and encouraging forum!

 

[UberIntensity]

Thank you. I will do my best to post any developments-both for my own sake (a form of therapy, I guess) and also maybe someone else will benefit from my information, as I am benefitting from reading the entries of you and other members here. Thanks again!

Ryan

 

[UberIntensity]

The most disturbing thing for me right now is the damage and destruction done to my spiritual and professional life, my marriage, my son and my sense of myself. I don't know anymore where my "normal" psychotic self ends and the illness begins. I imagine it's not a very fine line though.

 

[Alaskamomma]

Uber, I was diagnosed two years ago with bipolar I. I still have a struggle trying to understand where I begin and my illness ends. I find myself second guessing decisions where as before I made a decision and stuck to it. ALso the meds can be kinda hard to figure out. You may go through a plethora of meds before you find the right ones that will work for you. Try and keep a journal of what your mood swings are like and what symptoms you are having and take that in with you to show the dr so he can see a pattern to your illness. This will help with getting prescribed the right meds.

Keep checking in here and let us know how things are going for you. This place is a great source of support and hope. Peace to you.

 

[UberIntensity]

Thanks Alaskamomma.

I don't know if this is the correct place for keeping track of things like this. This forum is huge, and has many dimensions that other forums I've seen do not have. I haven't had a chance yet to explore all of the options. If someone has a suggestion or knows of a more appropriate place for this thread, let me know and I will use that instead.

So I started a few days ago coming off the Celexa. I'm taking half of what I did, and in another week I'll stop altogether. I still have not seen another psychiatrist. The PA was worried about me sinking into depression, but it's been the opposite: I've been irritable, angry and tense. Maybe I need to increase the Depakote (currently 1500mg). If it does not subside, I will resume the Celexa. We'll see what we see when we see what we see...

 

[UberIntensity]

Just a quick note-I haven't had much time to be on the computer lately. Going off the Lexapro didn't go ever so well; I amost killed myself. Almost every day I daydream of suicide. This time the only reason I didn't was because my life ins policy won't cover suicide until after next month (2 year clause).

Last Thursday, I almost got into a fight with one of my accountability partners at church (who also just happens to be an elder); he thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself-that it's dumb to consider suicide (true as that may be, I took that as "YOU are dumb for considering it). He actually told me I should divorce my wife, for their sake. I'm no Bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure adultery is the one and only valid reason for divorce-and then only as a last resort. I'm not going to be a part of that group any more. I don't need a pretentious, condescending, holier-than-thou hypocrite to be judging me. Sorry for the rant. I just keep reciting the argument over and over. I can't get it out of my head, and it keeps me angry all the time.

 

[Alive again]

WOW! So glad you did not commit suicide and what interesting statements from you accountability group. I am saying a prayer for you!

 

[UberIntensity]

Thank you. I need all I can get (don't we all!)

After that argument, I went home and to my garage, determined to end it. Cut up my arm with a razor; went through the skin, but I didn't have the courage to go deeper...

I guess I was hurting so badly, and I was so angry that I felt the need to take it out on someone physically; better on myself than my wife or son.

It's nice to be able to talk about these things on a forum where you don't get flamed and accused of dramatizing and grabbing for attention. For that I thank everyone, not only those that have responded, but also those that have read my words and not responded with those types of things.

 

[UberIntensity]

Thank you. I need all I can get (don't we all!)

After that argument, I went home and to my garage, determined to end it. Cut up my arm with a razor; went through the skin, but I didn't have the courage to go deeper...

I guess I was hurting so badly, and I was so angry that I felt the need to take it out on someone physically; better on myself than my wife or son.

It's nice to be able to talk about these things on a forum where you don't get flamed and accused of dramatizing and grabbing for attention. For that I thank everyone, not only those that have responded, but also those that have read my words and not responded with those types of things.

 

[Jeshu]

Just a quick note-I haven't had much time to be on the computer lately. Going off the Lexapro didn't go ever so well; I amost killed myself. Almost every day I daydream of suicide. This time the only reason I didn't was because my life ins policy won't cover suicide until after next month (2 year clause).

Last Thursday, I almost got into a fight with one of my accountability partners at church (who also just happens to be an elder); he thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself-that it's dumb to consider suicide (true as that may be, I took that as "YOU are dumb for considering it). He actually told me I should divorce my wife, for their sake. I'm no Bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure adultery is the one and only valid reason for divorce-and then only as a last resort. I'm not going to be a part of that group any more. I don't need a pretentious, condescending, holier-than-thou hypocrite to be judging me. Sorry for the rant. I just keep reciting the argument over and over. I can't get it out of my head, and it keeps me angry all the time.

Hi Ryan,
I guess there is much to say - first of all - please don't kill yourself just because you FEEL you should - I know it is hard - but the only way to survive this is to hold onto God - the Truth of His Love says - hold onto Jesus Christ - not yourself - for Christ brings Life not death to those who place themselves in His arms.

Ryan, please make sure it are NOT your meds causing you to have suicidal notions - like how long ago did it start - did it coincide with new meds or going of old ones (you might be doing it too fast.) For this can happen with meds.

Indeed mental illness is not very well understood. I don't think anyone can know what a mood disorder is unless they have suffered from one. Yet forgive those who do not know what an incredible suffering mentally ill people must endure - those ill informed and those with hard, cold or uncaring attitudes, for that is what Jesus would want us to do - keeping our spiritual health in top condition - so that in our hours of trial we can endure.

I found faith in God to be the stabilizing force of my life. Some of the advise I found to be particularly helpful - Don't let the sun go down on your anger, don't kill, love, forgive, surrender all to Him, don't believe lies but hold onto the truth and confess your sins to God almighty holding firmly onto the grace offered by the cross - there are no better stress relievers - for my life - I recommend them for your situations my friend.

Throughout our cycling time we must remember that our emotions are playing tricks on us and that the situation isn't as bad (or good) as our often stormy hearts are telling us. Indeed, to contain the influx of raw emotions we should largely deny them a place in our decision making world - I know it is hard but it is the only way to stay free from our ailing emotions.

God be with you my friend.

Gerry

 

[UberIntensity]

Jeshu,

Thanks for the kind words. I'm sorry for the late reply; I tried getting on the forums a few times and the site wouldn't open. The rest of the time, things were just too crazy.

But I have plenty of time now. We got into a fight (verbal, never physical), and my wife took our four-year-old and went to stay with her mother.

What do I say? I truly do want to die right now. It hurts so bad, I'm almost willing to take my life, to make it stop. If I wasn't so scared, I would do it tonight, instead of typing these words. At least then I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep again. The only thing that can lift me up is my son, and she's taken that away from me.

As for Christ, if he cared for me enough to die on a cross, why then does he let a child of his lie in such anguish? I've only been diagnosed for less than two years; but I've felt this way since my early teen years (32 now). Part of the reason she left was because of the advice of other Christians.

The thing is, I have an addiction to pornography-I have since I was exposed to it and molested as a child. It causes her much pain, and I understand that. Our fights are almost always about that. We never fight about money, or any of the things that most couples fight about. I've been better with it, even going to an accountability group at church for over 2years, where I was made to feel like less than a husband and father (man altogether, for that matter) to help ease her pain.

She was going to a support group, and these are the people who told her that she should give me "consequences" if I kept doing it (which hasn't been often over the last couple years-even though I realize once is too often) as if I don't even try to resist. Like there weren't any consequences already, right? Even if I hadn't messed up, she would never believe me-and it didn't have to be porn on the computer, even some skimpy spam ad in my email or pop-up would be attributed to my "constantly choosing those women over my family."

So we started seeing a professional marriage counselor (as opposed to the home-grown hypocrites at church). One of the things he gave us were duress words-to be used when we were in a fight, and the other person had to shut up and walk away, no matter what. Every single time she has used her word, I shut up and walked away. No matter how bad I wanted to say something else. Her? She has not kept her promise ONCE. I'm always the one trying to get away, because I know that at a certain point I turn into a different person and scream terrible things at her that I usually don't even remember the next day. She won't let me walk away; when I do, she always sends at least one last 'zinger' at me. Then when I turn Hyde and blow up, first thing she wants to know is "have you been taking your meds?" Funny, she takes advice from unqualified and uninformed people and splits up our family-divorce runs rampant in her family, maybe that's got something to do with it-but won't take the advice of an educated (and Christian) professional...

If it sounds like I'm minimizing her pain, forgive me. I know it hurts her very deeply, too. But she doesn't have a disorder, other than her holier-than-thou perogative, and she is the one picking fights, instead of waiting for a better time to talk about things, if it is something I've done; and there's not always a waiting period. It depends a lot on how she approaches me about it: gently asking, or agressively attacking and accusing.

So you see how even though I know in my head that I have no right to be bitter toward God, but I am. After all, it seems to be all his people that are attacking me-and I used to like going to church, especially ours. Now I feel alienated from it, and from him. I feel like he's toying with me, out of some sick and twisted sense of humor. Like a mean kid, torturing small animals....I want him to quit toying, and just take my life away. In fact, I wish he had never given it to me in the first place. When I got into that argument at the accoutability group, I wanted to just go up in front and say "one of your elders has advised me to divorce my family, but since I can't find that in the Bible, I'll choose an alternative," take out a gun, and blow my brains out right there in front of everybody. Leave a nice memory for them in that multi-million dollar "worship center" they built last year.

 

[Jeshu]

My dear friend I'm hurting for you and for your situation. I think I've been where you are now a few times myself in life, so I know it is VERY serious trouble you are in - not something anyone would like to see happening in their own life - that's for sure.

Yes I know what you talk about when it comes to some of those 'good willed' Christians - those who persecute the poor, sick and needy - those who look legalistically at the 'sin' and 'shortcomings' of the other - and have no mercy, love or grace within them - as in their own bloated view of themselves they are not in need of any of these things - they cannot hand it out to anyone else either - I feel very bad about these brothers and sisters in our midst - there seems to be plenty of them around - and they seem to be good at getting positions of authority - so they can lord it over those others.

Haven't been to Church myself for many years - because it would stir to much trouble within me - so I have learned to seek God without their aid or presence - though some loving and honest Christians have stayed at my side through out all this - and spiritually it is going good for me now.

Ryan whatever you do - please don't blame God for your hardship - He would have liked a sinless world far above the one we have at the moment - as a matter of fact the Bible says that He will destroy the powers called the world and set us free again - also from tears and sickness.

I used to blame God heaps in years gone by - but noticed that I always felt so isolated and removed from God when I did that.
This made me really angry with God and one infamous day I told Him in no uncertain terms that He might as well go instead of refusing to aid me in my distress. To my amazement He told me something I will NEVER forget. He said that He is the TRUTH - truth being that what really is - even if you can't physically see or touch it - a bit like gravity I suppose. Then He said - you feel that I'm the guilty one causing you much suffering and trouble - however that is NOT the TRUTH - look I'm not in it - instead - hate, unbelief, unlovingness, depression, anger, fear, confusion and isolation is the reward for believing lies like that - just search for truth and you will see what is for yourself.

Then - still very angry at God for my suffering - I told God that it would have been much better if I hadn't been born - He said to me - and what about your own children? You knew that they would suffer all kind of sufferings in life and that they must even die - yet you choose to have them - is it not like that with you and Me? More - for look - I put good things into those who seek after true life. My gifts to you are - love, mercy, long-suffering, endurance, patience, self-control - to name but just a few - these gifts are for free - and they are eternal - they will shape you into an eternal being - and yes in the end you will be free from suffering and in eternal bliss.

Still very angry at God I refused to be reconciled with Him all because I thought that He got easy talking up there in Heaven - free from sin and its painful reality - or so I thought - at the time. Yet God then showed me another Truth I will NEVER forget - God - in Trinity suffers enormously - for He is THE LIFE - that means God is all of existence - not just human - but all life - is experienced by Him, for Him and in Him - and we all know that life suffers deeply - even nature testifies of this

Honest Ryan - at the time that God told me all these things my heart was HARD and COLD - suffering had steeled my feeling world - and I was feeling so sorry for myself that I just wouldn't listen to what God had to say - and I stayed miserable - as a matter of fact it got worse.

Sexual sin - also one of my afflictions since youth - as I went into occultism and pornography - after I was sexually assaulted and almost murdered by the thee young men who attacked me - at the tender age of 11 - has also played havoc in my life - it brings so much shame and guilt - but also so much lust and powerful thought driven sexual fantasies. (They call that force P.T.S.D. in my life.)
Yet it got the better of me again during this time of arguing with God - strange that don't you reckon - the resulting consequences of this time will hound me my whole worldly existence - I think - never in all my life did I fall so deep as I did then - it was terrible really.

Yet what did God do? He visited me after each act of sin with His love and mercy - His truth penetrating my sinful soul - each time some more - each time some deeper - destroying the power of fear, shame and guilt - I think it simply burned up within me - WHAT AN INCREDIBLE FIRE - yet the shackles of bondage began to melt in the heat! God's love is supreme - I'm completely addicted to Him now - for though sexual trouble still visits at times - I now take it to God to sort out - and let His gracious love - in TRUTH - change me from deep within - FREE - from the power of such sin I can again give glory to Him.

Do you know Ryan that the lust that can burn within - craving sex/porn - will falter when God's loving good comes into our being - lust will seek it out and try to claim it all for itself - but lust don't get nothing from God - as a matter of fact lust burns to death in the presence of God - leaving us (that in us that falls for such sins time and again) free to come and go as we like.
The power of sex can and will be broken when we hold onto God's loving truth in REAL life situations and not just as a theological theory.

Please don't think all this happens over night. Rather the more you explore the TRUTH of God's LOVE - Jesus Christ is His Name - the more this truth will set you free from the bondage of those horrible lies that dwell within you - lies that obscure God's good from you - think here about what happened in paradise - after sin - fear - instead of loving communion - bad instead of good.

So my dear friend I hope that you will see the truth of your situation. Other peoples unlovingness, lies and plain ignorance have robbed you of almost everything you got in life - even though you are so terribly sick - and you deserve love, care and mercy. Even your wife has left you because also she is listening to the lies that speak through her emotions and so it gets from bad to worse for all of you.

Only God's Truth can save your situation now. Please, please, let His LOVING truth repair the incredible damage you have sustained in life. Simply let go of all those thoughts - the painful times of believing - those inner lies and the hurt that they bring - and claim God's eternal love for you - for you. Live in it - NEVER leave it - fight for it - die for it if you must but one thing is for certain suffering can be overcome by God's love - dwelling - in truth - within us. This does not mean that illness will go away - sometimes it does - I know various people who have been healed by Christ's love within them - but for me that hasn't been the case - I'm 48 and have suffered depression, psychosis, voices, and hallucinations/visions for more than 36 years - I have a wealth living inside of me - free for all to see and use - that out weights my life long agony - by FAR - so I can say with Paul and all those who have suffered much - in my weakness Christ is strong - how true THIS has been for ME?

Sorry that I wrote such a long spiel - but I know in how much danger you are. I know those thoughts - whispering, screaming, threatening and distorting the truth of your life - so you will suffer more and more...

As for suicide - I was stopped by God - a friend of mine however followed the lies of his mind and perished at his own hand - also he had lost his family at the time - and felt life was hopeless - yet his wife took up a relationship with another woman - rejected her three kids - and left them without a loved one in the world - they are still completely lost and in much emotional pain - my friend, I know for sure, would have been most upset if he had known what his wife did to his kids. So Ryan please stand by your child - don't leave him - don't let a life of hardship be endured without the loving support of a father, a father who because of his dealings with severe suffering has in Truth so much wisdom and love on offer.

I know that for some time you may be separated from your child -and this must be unbelievable hard to endure - but your love can bring your child back around at a later stage - so please fight the urge to kill yourself and fight the need to love - you are most welcome in this spiritual battle.

Also read the very last lines in O.T. - you will be very surprised to see that the Truth is in YOUR favour.


Hope you will get something out of this - know you are in my heart - beating out a prayer for deliverance - Bro, fight the lies - not the people and you shall see Truth alive and well within your own soul - forever more - and come and join those who have found life in the Truth of the Love of Christ Jesus.


Gerry

 

[UberIntensity]

Thank you for that. Like I said, I know in my mind what's true; often the pain of my heart and flesh override logic. I see that you, and so many others here know too well what that's about. Thanks for listening, and for caring. Thanks for your prayers, while I have not been able to pray for a long time. God must have been speaking to me all along, but I have not heard him above the comotion. Thanks also for not telling me to "get over it" or "quit feeling sorry for myself." I've had more than one close friend tell me that, because they don't understand what goes on inside me.

I will live for my son, and for my wife. The pain is still the same, but today is a new day, and I want to live. While I'm deeply sorry for your own terrible experience (and others here), it comforts me to know that there are others who know where I am, and continue to live for Jesus. Someone who can show me where He is in all this, because obviously I cannot see myself.

Thank you. And thank you to any who have read my words, and said a prayer even if they didn't reply.

 

[4Everloved]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome, brother.

 

[UberIntensity]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome, brother.

Thank you!

 

[UberIntensity]

Talked to my wife today. She's not coming back. It's not looking good for the home team...

 

[Alive again]

Saying prayers for you Ryan, I cannot begin to form words right now, my tears are following for you and your family.

Gerry if my rep button worked, I would be sending some your way. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with this dear brother Uber.

Uber, please keep in touch as you can, know my hubby and I have gone through many battles and even a couple of separations. I can relate to some of your pain and will be praying.