I have been viewing this website for a long time and finally decided to join. I was saved by God on August 17, 2007. I am an 18 year old male living in South Carolina (USA).
If I were to say that my walk with the Lord has been easy, I would be lying. If anything I have spent a lot of time doubting, feeling scared, and slipping into repeated sin cycles. When God first saved me I felt on fire for Him. Then suddenly I began having these unwanted thoughts against Him. The thoughts were sexual, blasphemous, and just plain awful. I had never had anything happen like this to me before. And no matter what I could not get rid of them. So I instead shaped the images and tried to "re-draw" them in my head. Soon the thoughts came in the form of voices and words that were written out in my mind. I would try and create an imaginary pencil in my head to erase them. Soon I started feeling rejected by God, I was in a whirl of doubt. I stopped going to Church eventually and drifted into sin patterns. I would make an attempt to come back to God, but the doubt and feeling of condemnation always sent me back into the whirlwind.
The thoughts are never ending. I didn't know that other Christians struggle with these sort of things. I thought I must have did something wrong. Did I not say something right when I accepted God? Did I not raise my hands in Church enough? Did I not pray for a certain amount of minutes? Did I not read enough Bible verses? After the thoughts began I kept wanting reassurance, and the Lord gave it to me. But when I found myself sinning, that reassurance still wasn't enough.
I had no way of dealing with the thoughts before I found this place out. I would just lay there feeling extremely depressed, extremely anxious, and completely hopeless. At one point I thought that maybe I had lost my conscience and I actually started acting like I had no conscience. Even though I knew what I was doing....I tried to close myself off from feelings and emotion and such cause I thought. A person who has such awful thoughts probably doesn't even have a conscience and I won't pretend to have one either. I eventually got over that hurdle as well. But I still have the constant blasphemous thoughts that come on all day...non-stop. I constantly combat the thoughts with the opposite of what that thought is. Constantly rearranging letters and words that pop into my head. I cry so much about it to God.
I feel that the Lord is drawing me to Him. But with the way I am there is always doubt. I was kind of afraid to come on here and share my story for a while. I was afraid that someone may say "Doesn't sound like you have OCD." Or that someone would say that I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit, or something like that.The truth is I am afraid to talk to anyone I know about this cause I don't think that they will understand and I think that they will say that I have comitted that sin. I have had moments where I was afraid to speak due to the fear that I would say something blasphemous. I have felt like just running around and around and around in circles and waving my arms around just to try and ignore the thoughts. I haven't been to a doctor about this and I am afraid to go to one. I live in a small town with "ol timey" docs, and I am afraid they'll think I am just making things up.
I have told my grandma and others about it and they just dont seem to get it at all. I sometimes jerk my head. Mumble the opposite of the bad thoughts under my breath, walk real fast, and do things like that to not focus on the thoughts. If you're wondering if I have other strange tendacies....yes I do. None of these really affect me as much as the thoughts against God though. They don't really seem to do much emotional harm. I like to walk and align my feet with certain objects. I also sometimes like to walk in between the tiles of a tile floor to keep from touching the edges of the tiles. I make rythms with my feet sometimes. You know? One step with my right foot then I hit my heel on the ground and then the front of my shoe with the other. I also add up numbers and make them into a football record. For example if I saw 970, I would cancel out the 0 and put a dash in between the 9 and 7 and say "Ok. This football team makes the playoffs at 9-7 then wins three games to reach the Superbowl and their record would be 12-7 at that point, but they would lose the Superbowl and their record would be 12-8. Then to top it off I may add 12+8= 20 just to cancel the dash and get a good looking number.
Anyways I just thought I'd drop by and share some of my struggles. It feels much better to talk about it than I thought it would. I spend most of my day in turnoil it seems. Pray for me please.
If I were to say that my walk with the Lord has been easy, I would be lying. If anything I have spent a lot of time doubting, feeling scared, and slipping into repeated sin cycles. When God first saved me I felt on fire for Him. Then suddenly I began having these unwanted thoughts against Him. The thoughts were sexual, blasphemous, and just plain awful. I had never had anything happen like this to me before. And no matter what I could not get rid of them. So I instead shaped the images and tried to "re-draw" them in my head. Soon the thoughts came in the form of voices and words that were written out in my mind. I would try and create an imaginary pencil in my head to erase them. Soon I started feeling rejected by God, I was in a whirl of doubt. I stopped going to Church eventually and drifted into sin patterns. I would make an attempt to come back to God, but the doubt and feeling of condemnation always sent me back into the whirlwind.
The thoughts are never ending. I didn't know that other Christians struggle with these sort of things. I thought I must have did something wrong. Did I not say something right when I accepted God? Did I not raise my hands in Church enough? Did I not pray for a certain amount of minutes? Did I not read enough Bible verses? After the thoughts began I kept wanting reassurance, and the Lord gave it to me. But when I found myself sinning, that reassurance still wasn't enough.
I had no way of dealing with the thoughts before I found this place out. I would just lay there feeling extremely depressed, extremely anxious, and completely hopeless. At one point I thought that maybe I had lost my conscience and I actually started acting like I had no conscience. Even though I knew what I was doing....I tried to close myself off from feelings and emotion and such cause I thought. A person who has such awful thoughts probably doesn't even have a conscience and I won't pretend to have one either. I eventually got over that hurdle as well. But I still have the constant blasphemous thoughts that come on all day...non-stop. I constantly combat the thoughts with the opposite of what that thought is. Constantly rearranging letters and words that pop into my head. I cry so much about it to God.
I feel that the Lord is drawing me to Him. But with the way I am there is always doubt. I was kind of afraid to come on here and share my story for a while. I was afraid that someone may say "Doesn't sound like you have OCD." Or that someone would say that I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit, or something like that.The truth is I am afraid to talk to anyone I know about this cause I don't think that they will understand and I think that they will say that I have comitted that sin. I have had moments where I was afraid to speak due to the fear that I would say something blasphemous. I have felt like just running around and around and around in circles and waving my arms around just to try and ignore the thoughts. I haven't been to a doctor about this and I am afraid to go to one. I live in a small town with "ol timey" docs, and I am afraid they'll think I am just making things up.
I have told my grandma and others about it and they just dont seem to get it at all. I sometimes jerk my head. Mumble the opposite of the bad thoughts under my breath, walk real fast, and do things like that to not focus on the thoughts. If you're wondering if I have other strange tendacies....yes I do. None of these really affect me as much as the thoughts against God though. They don't really seem to do much emotional harm. I like to walk and align my feet with certain objects. I also sometimes like to walk in between the tiles of a tile floor to keep from touching the edges of the tiles. I make rythms with my feet sometimes. You know? One step with my right foot then I hit my heel on the ground and then the front of my shoe with the other. I also add up numbers and make them into a football record. For example if I saw 970, I would cancel out the 0 and put a dash in between the 9 and 7 and say "Ok. This football team makes the playoffs at 9-7 then wins three games to reach the Superbowl and their record would be 12-7 at that point, but they would lose the Superbowl and their record would be 12-8. Then to top it off I may add 12+8= 20 just to cancel the dash and get a good looking number.
Anyways I just thought I'd drop by and share some of my struggles. It feels much better to talk about it than I thought it would. I spend most of my day in turnoil it seems. Pray for me please.
Welcome
