He's going through it again

[cjba]

This is now the 3rd time my husband has told me our marriage won't work in a period of 4 years.

We actually went to court in Feb. 06 and got back together in late March early April. I thought everything was fine and today I got the blow again.

He told me he went to a concert a couple of months ago and met someone. But she did not want anything to do with him because he was married. He told me he did not want me to think anything happened. However, it did feel good to be interested in someone. I thought that should of been his wife.

He told me he wanted to stay in the house until everything has been finalized. I left the house crying and then returned and told him he needed to leave. I could not live this way. He did leave and now I am here depressed again.

I feel numb!!! I thought we were ok!! I know this is it for him. He told me he is ok to talk to me on the phone but he is not comfortable when we are in the same room.

How do I let go of 20 years of marriage. How do I begin to see that I do deserve better. How do I accept the fact that my husband no longer loves me.

We have 4 children and they seem fine with this new barrel of news. Our little one which is 14 told me I gave him enough chances.

I prayed, I became a Godly woman and he still did not want me.

 

[c1ners]

I'm sorry CJ. This must be devastating to you. If you need anyone to talk to, you know you can always PM me.

 

[cjba]

Yes, this is so very devasting. I'm trying to find the faith that I will be ok without the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with.

 

[MaraPetra]

I don't know if anyone's told you this yet, cjba, but it's not you...It's him. You can't change what he's decided. Unfortunately, no matter how perfect you make yourself within the marriage, if your spouse gets it into his head that he would be happier somewhere else, then he will overlook the good you do, and focus only on his own happiness instead of the marriage itself.

Imagine having a wife who let you go wherever you wanted to go...you could go to bars by yourself! Imagine that same wife doing everything, from cleaning the house, to taking care of the children, to doing home repairs and mowing the lawn, in addition to her working a full-time job...And all you had to do was work, come home, and sit on your duff till it was time to go to bed. Such was the life my ex-husband had, and yet he still wanted to live away from me. That was the basic theme behind my first marriage. He decided he was better off with someone else. Nine years of marriage were thrown away, and basically every vow he made was disregarded.

If he does not value the marriage (and it doesn't sound like he's valued it for some time), then nothing you say or do will make him change his mind.

So where do you go from here?

You start by mourning the loss of something precious. Yes, this hurts, and you don't need to hold it in and present a perfect facade to yourself, or to God. Acknowledge the fact that something you valued greatly is gone. Cry when you feel like crying. Scream in your pillow if you feel the need. The loss of a marriage is every bit as devastating and cruel as losing a loved one suddenly, and the grief is every bit as real and consuming. Get those emotions out, because if you hold them in, it causes extreme bitterness and anger. Save figuring out the "why's" and "how's" for later...Those will probably come to light in the coming months, anyways. Being strong doesn't mean denying your own emotions...They aren't right or wrong, they're just "there". It's okay to feel the way you are feeling, and it's okay to hurt right now.

Even through the mourning, though, there is something more. Life goes on. You still wake each morning, still need to eat and take care of yourself, still need to take care of the day's business. Your kids still need their mother, and still need your love.

And there's still God, who still loves you more than anything!

It's hard to find another life focus when you've given it to your marriage, and those dreams are shattered. But find that focus, you must. Don't fill your time with thinking about what is gone, and wishing what might have been. Instead, find something else to occupy your time for now. Volunteer at the church...Perhaps research and implement a new ministry in your life. Call on old friends, and take a day out to just talk with someone who cares. Focus on your children, who still need you more than anything. A divorce brings out the absolute worst in people...Please take the time to let those kids know how much you love and value them, because it's their storm, too.

Above all, pray without ceasing...Pour your heart out to your heavenly Father in those prayers! Our Creator, as such, knows we feel anger, despair, rage, hopelessness...And He wants to hear about it. It's okay to ask God why things happened, and for Him to guide you in this new stage in your life. It's okay to tell God how disappointed you are, to confide to Him about the pain, and of being shattered.

It's also okay to ask Him to bring you a little bit of grace, to assuage your pain and confusion, to hold you throughout this time. It's when we're truly broken that God is able to build us up again.

I know you're experiencing horrors, and you have my prayers right now. I know things are confusing, and that you feel as though your whole world is gone.

Just remember, faith means looking at God, and not looking at where your feet are falling...Because you trust God enough to let Him order your steps for you

 

[cjba]

Thank you so very much for the wisdom. Is this something you yourself have gone through?

I know it is not me. I know it is his choice. I feel so hopeless about the future. All the plans we had for us and our children.

Yes, I need to focus on God. I need to get rid of the "I" in my thinking.

How do I heal from such a horrific feeling that is so deep within me?

I'm praying for strength and wisdom and all I do is cry.

 

[MaraPetra]

Yes, I've gone through it...And emerged a stronger woman, a stronger Christian, than I ever thought possible!

Remember the "Footprints in the Sand" poem? I wasn't saved when I went through my divorce, but in retrospect, I can see where God ordered my every tortured step, caught my every tear, soothed my every pain, and guided me lovingly and firmly to the man who would become my second husband. It was because of my second husband that I was saved; I don't think I've said that on forum before.

My divorce, from separation to final decree, took six months and 11 days. The custody battle that my ex waged over our two kids raged for three YEARS after the final decree! There I was, newly remarried,and hearing my ex tell me, "All this will stop...If you just leave him." An abuser doesn't like to lose control, even though he himself is no longer a part of the situation, and he likes it even less when someone else, someone kinder, enters the picture. I had 7 Child Protection workers in my home during those years, checking out false allegations (I now send those workers Christmas cards!). Every time I defied my ex, a new "Request for Custody" court document arrived on my doorstep...A truly nasty shock which hurt me each time I received one. That rage and bitterness I warn about? This paragraph shows what can happen when within that stage, when you cannot let go of anger and it ferments over a very long period of time. If you find you hold on to anger, seek counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor to get it out and work around it.

It was during those three years that I was saved, and it astounded me to see God's hand in so many aspects! There were prophesy dreams which came true (right down to the details of my surroundings!), promises spoken within dreams and within prayer which came to pass. Miracles just seemed to abound...God's hope sprang eternal when each situation became hopeless in my eyes! My faith became strong during those years, because each time my heart screamed, God came to my rescue. Each time I cried out in despair, He comforted me. Each time I couldn't muster the energy to get my head off of the pillow, He took me out of bed and carried me through the day.

If I could offer you some miracle cure to make you feel better within a day, I would. But the reality is quite different. Time heals the pain, but right now the pain is still very raw for you. First and foremost, do NOT deny your own emotions! Don't hide it in the secret corners of your heart. Give yourself time to grieve, and when you need to express your feeliings, express them. One thing which helped me tremendously during those horrible times was to write letters to God, just pouring my heart out about what I felt, how I grieved, how hopeless I felt.

You know, two months after I wrote those letters, I was amazed at how far I'd come in regards to grief and anger. Getting your emotions out that way leads to resolution; resolution gives you both the impetus and the strength to move on with your life. God had better plans for me than the ones I had foolishly made on my own...Had anyone told me back then what I would become as a believer, I would have said they were full of guano! And yet here I stand...Loving God with all my heart, and ministering His flock in ways I would not have thought possible. For my foolishness, God has loved me and brought me back to His way.

Cjba, you ARE going to heal, never doubt it. It's going to take time, patience, prayer and long-suffering. Just keep your eyes on God, keep praying, and look for the miracles to occur.

You know, some people say that God quit doing miracles. I say He's never stopped! I've seen too many things happen that I can't explain away by any method other than that God's grace.

May His peace, love and comfort be upon you. You're not alone...And you're still loved

 

[cjba]

I know God has a plan for me but, I can't imagine it without my husband. It is 2:00 am here and I've taken a sleeping pill and 2 Tylenol pm's and I still have not slept or ate.

My husband just left for work and it was so sad. This will be the last day he leaves for work from our home. He is to come tomorrow to get some of his things. I requested he leave to give me some time to accept what is going on. He told me we just have to end it.

I told him I still love him and will continue to keep him and our marriage in prayer. I know it seems foolish to pray for restoration after all I have gone through.

I feel like crawling in a dark hole and wait to die.

Where is God? I feel so alone! Why didin't he hear the prayers of my heart and soul? Why is He letting our family suffer?

 

[lvs2sng]

I know God has a plan for me but, I can't imagine it without my husband. It is 2:00 am here and I've taken a sleeping pill and 2 Tylenol pm's and I still have not slept or ate.

My husband just left for work and it was so sad. This will be the last day he leaves for work from our home. He is to come tomorrow to get some of his things. I requested he leave to give me some time to accept what is going on. He told me we just have to end it.

I told him I still love him and will continue to keep him and our marriage in prayer. I know it seems foolish to pray for restoration after all I have gone through.

I feel like crawling in a dark hole and wait to die.

Where is God? I feel so alone! Why didin't he hear the prayers of my heart and soul? Why is He letting our family suffer?

Cjba,
Please know that God loves you so much. He has not and will not ever leave you. His love is abundant. I know that you are terrified right now. You are a strong woman and you can do this. People use to tell me this and I just laid on the floor face down sometimes in my room and cried out to God because I didn't believe it. He was always there. You are strong though. Just take your eyes off of your husband and on to God fully. Know that He will never leave or forsake you. You are His child and He will hold you and your family. Sometimes we can't feel it because of the hurt but just know that God is there and in control. He will put people there for you. Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends. You need that support. You are LOVED!

 

[Sugarjay]

Cjba,
God does have a plan for you and he does love you more than any human could ever love another. Did you ever think that God may be closing this door (marriage) in your life because he see's that it will only cause you more and more pain down the road? He loves you so much he does not want this for you. He knows you are strong enough right now to get through it and that is why it is happening. Trush in God my Christian sister. He will not abandon you.

My wife told me she did not love me anymore on May 18 and moved out July 1st. I was devastated but with the grace of God I am picking myself up. I trust he will bring us back together. We need to trust in God and his plan for our lives. I know we were not living a marriage he intended and that is why it has failed. We built it on sand on not the Stone (God).

IMO you need to stop all and any I am sorry's, I love you, Please come back. No letters, no email, no contact at all about the relationship. Go on with your life and everytime you see him, be happy and smiling even if you have to fake it. Would you want to be with someone who was begging and crying all the time? It is not attractive. You need to show him you will survive and will make it w.o him. He may then start to get interested in you again and start to have good feelings for you again and this may remind him what he is leaving and what he fell in love with you for in the 1st place.

Be strong and take care of you and your kids. Remember God will NOT put anything on you that you cannot handle. He is with you

 

[cjba]

I know God loves me. I never thought that God may not want this marriage for me. It is so hard to let go but I'm trying.

Today my 14 year old had a doctor's appt.. The doctor ended up putting her on depression medicaiton due to our situation. Part of me is sad because of this but more of me is getting mad that he did this to our daughter.

I then went to the doctor myself to get something for the congestions I have had for several days. And this doctor gave me something for anxiety to help me sleep. He was able to tell I haven't slept in awhile. So today I did sleep for 2 hours.

He arrived home before I did today but the odd part is he called me to tell me he was getting out of work early and was on his way home. I thought maybe he got out of work early to start packing. Instead he tells me that he was tired and was going home to get some sleep. By the time I came home I was already feeling the medication take affect in getting sleepy. Our only conversation was on what was needed to be said. That hurt like a knife.

He took my son to get a pair of glasses so I decided to take a look upstairs anticipating some packed items. He did not pack anything.

When I was at the doctors office alone with a 2 1/2 hour waiting period, I went into a deep prayer for guidance. When everything was silent in my mind all I heard within myself was "sit still". I'm a little confused due to the fact my husband as of right now has not started packing. And what if he doesn't...do I bring it up? Or do I let it go and let him stay here.

I feel the best way of me letting go would be for him to leave. Yet, if I am to stay still I am to mention nothing and see what happens. Which one would any of you do?

Thank you all so very much for the communication and prayers.

 

[DoctorWho]

cjba, I hope this does not sound too strange, but I want to thank you for posting. You see, I'm going through the same thing, but from the other side....

My wife and I are currently not on speaking terms. We had a big blow up yesterday, and haven't said more than a handful of words to each other in over 24 hours. During our arguement, I basically said that our marriage was over, and I'd be gone by the end of the weekend. That was not the first time I've said that. I've now said it three times within the last year. Only by God's grace and mercy has our marriage survived to this point.

So why am I thanking you? Because through all the fights my wife and I have had, I've never really taken her thoughts and feelings into consideration. All I've thought about is my selfish wants and desires, my feelings, and what I can get out of our marriage; not what I should be putting into it. Reading your posts, and the replies of the other posters, has opened my eyes to exactly what I'm putting my wife through. How I can be so insensitive and uncaring, and yet still call myself a Christian is beyond me. My heart has truly become hard and cold.

I asked God for wisdom as to what I should do / need to do, and here, quite unexpectedly, He has shed some light into my heart.

I know what you are going through is painful and hard, because I've put my wife through the very same thing; I've seen the hurt such actions cause. You said that as your husband left for work you told him you loved him, and would keep him and your marriage in your prayers. While there is still a spark of life left in your marriage, don't stop telling him you love him. When my wife left for work this afternoon, as she walked out the door, she turned to me and told me she loved me. I now know that that could not have been easy for her, considering the way I've been treating her of late. It definitely had an impact on me. You never know when your words may have an impact on your husband as well.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers even as I pray for God to shine more light / love into my own marriage. May God richly bless you!!

Adam

 

[lvs2sng]

I know God loves me. I never thought that God may not want this marriage for me. It is so hard to let go but I'm trying.

Today my 14 year old had a doctor's appt.. The doctor ended up putting her on depression medicaiton due to our situation. Part of me is sad because of this but more of me is getting mad that he did this to our daughter.

I then went to the doctor myself to get something for the congestions I have had for several days. And this doctor gave me something for anxiety to help me sleep. He was able to tell I haven't slept in awhile. So today I did sleep for 2 hours.

He arrived home before I did today but the odd part is he called me to tell me he was getting out of work early and was on his way home. I thought maybe he got out of work early to start packing. Instead he tells me that he was tired and was going home to get some sleep. By the time I came home I was already feeling the medication take affect in getting sleepy. Our only conversation was on what was needed to be said. That hurt like a knife.

He took my son to get a pair of glasses so I decided to take a look upstairs anticipating some packed items. He did not pack anything.

When I was at the doctors office alone with a 2 1/2 hour waiting period, I went into a deep prayer for guidance. When everything was silent in my mind all I heard within myself was "sit still". I'm a little confused due to the fact my husband as of right now has not started packing. And what if he doesn't...do I bring it up? Or do I let it go and let him stay here.

I feel the best way of me letting go would be for him to leave. Yet, if I am to stay still I am to mention nothing and see what happens. Which one would any of you do?

Thank you all so very much for the communication and prayers.

cjba,
I have been sitting here praying for you and I just keep thinking that he is trying to let the whole thing go. If you have prayed about it and feel like he should stay you need to think about some marrage counceling. Just think about what is best for your kids and yourself. You deserve better than what he is giving you. If he is willing to do that then maybe he is coming around. I will continue to pray for you. Stay strong in the Lord!

 

[cjba]

Cjba,
God does have a plan for you and he does love you more than any human could ever love another. Did you ever think that God may be closing this door (marriage) in your life because he see's that it will only cause you more and more pain down the road? He loves you so much he does not want this for you. He knows you are strong enough right now to get through it and that is why it is happening. Trush in God my Christian sister. He will not abandon you.

My wife told me she did not love me anymore on May 18 and moved out July 1st. I was devastated but with the grace of God I am picking myself up. I trust he will bring us back together. We need to trust in God and his plan for our lives. I know we were not living a marriage he intended and that is why it has failed. We built it on sand on not the Stone (God).

IMO you need to stop all and any I am sorry's, I love you, Please come back. No letters, no email, no contact at all about the relationship. Go on with your life and everytime you see him, be happy and smiling even if you have to fake it. Would you want to be with someone who was begging and crying all the time? It is not attractive. You need to show him you will survive and will make it w.o him. He may then start to get interested in you again and start to have good feelings for you again and this may remind him what he is leaving and what he fell in love with you for in the 1st place.

Be strong and take care of you and your kids. Remember God will NOT put anything on you that you cannot handle. He is with you

.

 

[cjba]

cjba, I hope this does not sound too strange, but I want to thank you for posting. You see, I'm going through the same thing, but from the other side....

My wife and I are currently not on speaking terms. We had a big blow up yesterday, and haven't said more than a handful of words to each other in over 24 hours. During our arguement, I basically said that our marriage was over, and I'd be gone by the end of the weekend. That was not the first time I've said that. I've now said it three times within the last year. Only by God's grace and mercy has our marriage survived to this point.

So why am I thanking you? Because through all the fights my wife and I have had, I've never really taken her thoughts and feelings into consideration. All I've thought about is my selfish wants and desires, my feelings, and what I can get out of our marriage; not what I should be putting into it. Reading your posts, and the replies of the other posters, has opened my eyes to exactly what I'm putting my wife through. How I can be so insensitive and uncaring, and yet still call myself a Christian is beyond me. My heart has truly become hard and cold.

I asked God for wisdom as to what I should do / need to do, and here, quite unexpectedly, He has shed some light into my heart.

I know what you are going through is painful and hard, because I've put my wife through the very same thing; I've seen the hurt such actions cause. You said that as your husband left for work you told him you loved him, and would keep him and your marriage in your prayers. While there is still a spark of life left in your marriage, don't stop telling him you love him. When my wife left for work this afternoon, as she walked out the door, she turned to me and told me she loved me. I now know that that could not have been easy for her, considering the way I've been treating her of late. It definitely had an impact on me. You never know when your words may have an impact on your husband as well.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers even as I pray for God to shine more light / love into my own marriage. May God richly bless you!!

Adam

At least something good came out of my situation. God put the message here for you to see what you are doing to your wife.

You see I was at one point like you. I would get unhappy and tell my husband that he had no time for a wife and that he might as well be divorced. You see 19 out of the 20 years of our marriage he has worked nights and I have worked days. I would request for him to transfer or sell our house and move closer to his job in order to create what I thought would be a normal life. He never wanted to do either. So in retrospect I would get hurt and thought if I mentioned divorce he would then pay attention to me. Which is exactly what would happen for years. Little did I know the impact it was putting on him. This would happen a few times a year just like you.

Then I became a Christian and my life changed for the better. After 1 year of being a Christian then my husband changed. The damage was already there. Never to be forgotten. I am ultimately paying the price for my harsh underserving words.

Now even though these past 5 years I have showed my husband the love he deserves, he wants out and acts as if he hates me.

Learn from my mistake. Your marriage depends on it.

There is nothing more in the world I wish I could take back but they are imprinted on my husbands mind. He has not forgiven and his heart became cold. He has resentment towards me for the person I was in the past.

Please for the sake of your marriage. Go to your wife and make things right from now on. Never mention to her a divorce again. Because one day she just may take you up on it and it will fell as if the rug was taken from under your feet.

May you and your marriage be blessed.

 

[Autumnleaf]

At least something good came out of my situation. God put the message here for you to see what you are doing to your wife.

You see I was at one point like you. I would get unhappy and tell my husband that he had no time for a wife and that he might as well be divorced. You see 19 out of the 20 years of our marriage he has worked nights and I have worked days. I would request for him to transfer or sell our house and move closer to his job in order to create what I thought would be a normal life. He never wanted to do either. So in retrospect I would get hurt and thought if I mentioned divorce he would then pay attention to me. Which is exactly what would happen for years. Little did I know the impact it was putting on him. This would happen a few times a year just like you.

Then I became a Christian and my life changed for the better. After 1 year of being a Christian then my husband changed. The damage was already there. Never to be forgotten. I am ultimately paying the price for my harsh underserving words.

Now even though these past 5 years I have showed my husband the love he deserves, he wants out and acts as if he hates me.

Learn from my mistake. Your marriage depends on it.

There is nothing more in the world I wish I could take back but they are imprinted on my husbands mind. He has not forgiven and his heart became cold. He has resentment towards me for the person I was in the past.

Please for the sake of your marriage. Go to your wife and make things right from now on. Never mention to her a divorce again. Because one day she just may take you up on it and it will fell as if the rug was taken from under your feet.

May you and your marriage be blessed.

Keep loving your husband by showing him you think he's hot. Make him have to beat you off him with a stick. Attack him! Show him noone can love him better than his wife.

 

[cjba]

Right now my husband really does not want me around him. It is impossible for me to get close to him. If I am in room he tends to go into another.

It is really sad what is happening in our home.

Sometimes I don't understand him. Let me rephrase that I don't understand him. He wants a divorce. He does not want to be with me. He does not love me. He does not sleep with me. He barely talks to me. Yet he comes home. What is up with that?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Right now my husband really does not want me around him. It is impossible for me to get close to him. If I am in room he tends to go into another.

It is really sad what is happening in our home.

Sometimes I don't understand him. Let me rephrase that I don't understand him. He wants a divorce. He does not want to be with me. He does not love me. He does not sleep with me. He barely talks to me. Yet he comes home. What is up with that?

It seems like he's given up on the 'you and him' part of the marriage.

Did you contribute to anything that would destroy his attraction towards you? Have you ever made him feel incompletent or inadequate as a husband/provider/lover? If I asked him if he knew how to make you happey what would he say?

 

[cjba]

It seems like he's given up on the 'you and him' part of the marriage.

Did you contribute to anything that would destroy his attraction towards you? Have you ever made him feel incompletent or inadequate as a husband/provider/lover? If I asked him if he knew how to make you happey what would he say?

He would probably tell you he can't make me happy. He can not give me what I want. All I ever wanted was him.

You see not only does he work nights it is an hour drive to and 1 to 1 1/2 hours back home due to traffic. He was always tired of course. No energy to go out when he had a day off. His job I feel takes advantage of his work ethics. He is I can do it type of person.

Since he was always tired and works every Saturday with sometimes a day off during the week. They almost always ask him to work on his day off. I felt that if he transferred closer to home or if we moved closer to his job, then we would have time to be a family. I made him feel, I think that what he did was not good enough. I would tell him that he is a wonderful provider but money is not everything. We need to take time to enjoy life. But his job always came first. I would as mentioned before tell him, he did not have time for a wife or a family. And this is what I would say started all of this mess that I can not get my family out of.

God Bless

 

[E-beth]

cj, I know how you feel. When my first husband started acting/thinking/feeling like he was single, I was left on the side, wondering what was so wrong with me that he didn't love me anymore. I tried and tried, only to be rejected time and time again. I threw myself at him, acting like I felt he was Mr Superlover, but he treated me like a harlot.

You need to let him figure out what he wants. He is emotionally playing whack-a-mole with you. He gives you hope that he is going to stay, but then he pulls his "I have met someone else" thing.

In my opinion you will never find peace as long as you are on this roller coaster. You need to set some boundaries....he needs to stay and act like a faithful husband, or get out and get his head together and sleep someplace else. He just may find that by not having you as a comfy home base might shock him back to his senses.

I lost 100 pounds when I got divorced. I never ate nor slept and wondered where God was. But God revealed to me that married or not, He is all I need.

Pray for your husband. Pray that God will work in his life so he can figure out what he wants. And pray for peace for yourself and your children and rest in the knowledge that God is in control.

I am praying. PM me if you ever need a shoulder.

 

[cjba]

I'm at a lost for words right now. In talking with my daughter (18) she would prefer if this was all over with. She knows this is not what I want.

It seems that I am the only one that can not let go. I don't know how.