Help

[Chay]

I did not know where to post this. I just need to vent. Im feeling hopeless and helpless.

Ever since I could remember, all the way into my preteen years, I went through sexual abuse from multiple people. When I try to remember as far back as I can, the only thing that flashes in my mind is the abuse. I cannot remember much else. Most of my family did not and still does not know. Those who did know only knew because they were amoungst the ones who abused me.
Many of those who knew not of my abuse, knew of me wetting the bed, knew of mistakes i could not control. I remember my siblings, my mother even, making jokes of me wetting the bed. So I never felt I could go to any of them for help. For all I knew, they were people who hurt me as well. That made me timid.
All throughout school, from about 5th grade through high school, I was bullied. Now, in my early 20s, I recognize it was due partly due to jealousy but that does not remove the pain.
Now, in my adult years, I suffer with sin periodically. Masturbation and porn. Not even necessarily because I like it. But its the only way I know to rewrite the pain. "Perhaps if i choose it here, it would quiet the pain I feel regarding my past". But it never does. It's not something that takes place often but when it does, I feel disgusted. Even after I repent.
I fear what my future brings sometimes. I have been through so much abuse and neglect that I honestly don't feel I deserve better or will ever see better.
Sometimes I wish the time I attempted suicide was successful because at least I wouldnt be where i am now.
I don't talk to many people. I only have a few friends. It's hard for people to get to know me because im afraid they'll hurt me.
I am hurt and heart broken. I am currently in my room, in tears, not even sure what I want. I lack motivation. I lack joy and happiness.
Everyone sees how "lovely" and how "wonderful" I am but I don't see it in myself. I do not see what others see in me. I don't believe what people claim.
I feel broken. And I have no clue what to do about it besides crying.

 

[Swords&Sunflowers]

I did not know where to post this. I just need to vent. Im feeling hopeless and helpless.

Ever since I could remember, all the way into my preteen years, I went through sexual abuse from multiple people. When I try to remember as far back as I can, the only thing that flashes in my mind is the abuse. I cannot remember much else. Most of my family did not and still does not know. Those who did know only knew because they were amoungst the ones who abused me.
Many of those who knew not of my abuse, knew of me wetting the bed, knew of mistakes i could not control. I remember my siblings, my mother even, making jokes of me wetting the bed. So I never felt I could go to any of them for help. For all I knew, they were people who hurt me as well. That made me timid.
All throughout school, from about 5th grade through high school, I was bullied. Now, in my early 20s, I recognize it was due partly due to jealousy but that does not remove the pain.
Now, in my adult years, I suffer with sin periodically. Masturbation and porn. Not even necessarily because I like it. But its the only way I know to rewrite the pain. "Perhaps if i choose it here, it would quiet the pain I feel regarding my past". But it never does. It's not something that takes place often but when it does, I feel disgusted. Even after I repent.
I fear what my future brings sometimes. I have been through so much abuse and neglect that I honestly don't feel I deserve better or will ever see better.
Sometimes I wish the time I attempted suicide was successful because at least I wouldnt be where i am now.
I don't talk to many people. I only have a few friends. It's hard for people to get to know me because im afraid they'll hurt me.
I am hurt and heart broken. I am currently in my room, in tears, not even sure what I want. I lack motivation. I lack joy and happiness.
Everyone sees how "lovely" and how "wonderful" I am but I don't see it in myself. I do not see what others see in me. I don't believe what people claim.
I feel broken. And I have no clue what to do about it besides crying.

You've been through a lot, and ithere is a great wound in your heart. It's not your fault, and the actions of others, you must not allow to mar your future. It's important that you be able to have someone you can trust to share what has happened to you and be able to have healing from it. Do find a local church if you can. But through all this, God loves you and I know it's hard to see or feel that right now, especially when you feel trapped in pain and darkness. Prayers that His light will shine in your brokenness and that things will turn around. Don't lose hope, take one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself. Cry it all out, speak to God, talk to a friend. Don't hide your feelings and do tell someone, i would even suggest reporting it to the authorities what happened. What happened to you is really terrible, and it angers me that you had suffered so much and had to hide it. Go seek help and don't be afraid. If you are ever feeling unsafe, I say, move away from those people. I pray that God would give you wisdom and send you people who will be able to help you start a new life. You deserve the best, and God has a plan for your life. Do not give up, keep fighting, have hope in Him.

there is this hotline number you can call for help: https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

 

[Godistruth1]

I did not know where to post this. I just need to vent. Im feeling hopeless and helpless.

Ever since I could remember, all the way into my preteen years, I went through sexual abuse from multiple people. When I try to remember as far back as I can, the only thing that flashes in my mind is the abuse. I cannot remember much else. Most of my family did not and still does not know. Those who did know only knew because they were amoungst the ones who abused me.
Many of those who knew not of my abuse, knew of me wetting the bed, knew of mistakes i could not control. I remember my siblings, my mother even, making jokes of me wetting the bed. So I never felt I could go to any of them for help. For all I knew, they were people who hurt me as well. That made me timid.
All throughout school, from about 5th grade through high school, I was bullied. Now, in my early 20s, I recognize it was due partly due to jealousy but that does not remove the pain.
Now, in my adult years, I suffer with sin periodically. Masturbation and porn. Not even necessarily because I like it. But its the only way I know to rewrite the pain. "Perhaps if i choose it here, it would quiet the pain I feel regarding my past". But it never does. It's not something that takes place often but when it does, I feel disgusted. Even after I repent.
I fear what my future brings sometimes. I have been through so much abuse and neglect that I honestly don't feel I deserve better or will ever see better.
Sometimes I wish the time I attempted suicide was successful because at least I wouldnt be where i am now.
I don't talk to many people. I only have a few friends. It's hard for people to get to know me because im afraid they'll hurt me.
I am hurt and heart broken. I am currently in my room, in tears, not even sure what I want. I lack motivation. I lack joy and happiness.
Everyone sees how "lovely" and how "wonderful" I am but I don't see it in myself. I do not see what others see in me. I don't believe what people claim.
I feel broken. And I have no clue what to do about it besides crying.

Why does the past still effect ur present?

 

[truefiction1]

You most likely need to be treated by a psychotherapist for PTSD caused by the sexual abuse. I pray for your recovery.

 

[truefiction1]

Why does the past still effect ur present?

Because traumatic events can cause damage to neural networks in the brain, leading to ongoing emotional and mental illnesses. We need to be healed of these things to become whole again: from the damaging things that have happened to us, and the things we have done to hurt ourselves.

 

[Godistruth1]

Because traumatic events can cause damage to neural networks in the brain, leading to ongoing emotional and mental illnesses. We need to be healed of these things to become whole again: from the damaging things that have happened to us, and the things we have done to hurt ourselves.

Yes. Almost all have faced difficulties in our past. We need to decide to move on.

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

I did not know where to post this. I just need to vent. Im feeling hopeless and helpless.

Ever since I could remember, all the way into my preteen years, I went through sexual abuse from multiple people. When I try to remember as far back as I can, the only thing that flashes in my mind is the abuse. I cannot remember much else. Most of my family did not and still does not know. Those who did know only knew because they were amoungst the ones who abused me.
Many of those who knew not of my abuse, knew of me wetting the bed, knew of mistakes i could not control. I remember my siblings, my mother even, making jokes of me wetting the bed. So I never felt I could go to any of them for help. For all I knew, they were people who hurt me as well. That made me timid.
All throughout school, from about 5th grade through high school, I was bullied. Now, in my early 20s, I recognize it was due partly due to jealousy but that does not remove the pain.
Now, in my adult years, I suffer with sin periodically. Masturbation and porn. Not even necessarily because I like it. But its the only way I know to rewrite the pain. "Perhaps if i choose it here, it would quiet the pain I feel regarding my past". But it never does. It's not something that takes place often but when it does, I feel disgusted. Even after I repent.
I fear what my future brings sometimes. I have been through so much abuse and neglect that I honestly don't feel I deserve better or will ever see better.
Sometimes I wish the time I attempted suicide was successful because at least I wouldnt be where i am now.
I don't talk to many people. I only have a few friends. It's hard for people to get to know me because im afraid they'll hurt me.
I am hurt and heart broken. I am currently in my room, in tears, not even sure what I want. I lack motivation. I lack joy and happiness.
Everyone sees how "lovely" and how "wonderful" I am but I don't see it in myself. I do not see what others see in me. I don't believe what people claim.
I feel broken. And I have no clue what to do about it besides crying.

Srry to hear about all that. Try to have a relationship with nature like a tree, flowers, or even a river. Remember crying is a sign of strength so go ahead and vent by crying...it really is okay. Rely on your friends if not your family. Find inspiration in books specific to your case, I'm sure there are some. Everyone is unique and special, everyone has their own unique galaxy in themselves. I well hope you are free in relying on someone soon if not now. Pray to god too, as when I once was Christian, I prayed too at the time. No one deserves to be like an indentured servant to anyone especially to being a victim. Speak to a therapist. I find when one finds faith in themselves, they find happiness so find who you are, your unique Galaxy. It should be you though, not unless you agree with someone in how they think you are but for reals, you should find what and who you are like what your strengths and stuff like that. Remember, don't just take it meaning being quiet about all this. For one, you need someone to listen, and if you need to start a conversation with me if you know how on this site, you're more than welcome to. Oh yeah, and listen to music too, really refreshing to me at least.

 

[Chay]

You've been through a lot, and ithere is a great wound in your heart. It's not your fault, and the actions of others, you must not allow to mar your future. It's important that you be able to have someone you can trust to share what has happened to you and be able to have healing from it. Do find a local church if you can. But through all this, God loves you and I know it's hard to see or feel that right now, especially when you feel trapped in pain and darkness. Prayers that His light will shine in your brokenness and that things will turn around. Don't lose hope, take one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself. Cry it all out, speak to God, talk to a friend. Don't hide your feelings and do tell someone, i would even suggest reporting it to the authorities what happened. What happened to you is really terrible, and it angers me that you had suffered so much and had to hide it. Go seek help and don't be afraid. If you are ever feeling unsafe, I say, move away from those people. I pray that God would give you wisdom and send you people who will be able to help you start a new life. You deserve the best, and God has a plan for your life. Do not give up, keep fighting, have hope in Him.

there is this hotline number you can call for help: https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

Thank you for your help! I ended up using the RAINM online chat where I recieved much needed assistance. Thank you!!

 

[Swords&Sunflowers]

Thank you for your help! I ended up using the RAINM online chat where I recieved much needed assistance. Thank you!!

I'm glad you found help! Hang in there and never give up! There is a long road ahead of you and lots of healing but you will make it! Will pray that you be surrounded with people who will look out for you and be good influences!

 

[Chay]

Why does the past still effect ur present?

Well it was not and is not much of a 'choice' for me. This is not something I can just 'turn on' or 'turn off'. At least not yet.
I don't desire to feel this way. I do not 'choose' to feel this way. I choose life. I desire life. I desire God's best for me which includes joy.
Interesting enough, I have given messages with my past as part of my testimony with no issues whatsoever. The sadness occurs randomly.

 

[Chay]

Srry to hear about all that. Try to have a relationship with nature like a tree, flowers, or even a river. Remember crying is a sign of strength so go ahead and vent by crying...it really is okay. Rely on your friends if not your family. Find inspiration in books specific to your case, I'm sure there are some. Everyone is unique and special, everyone has their own unique galaxy in themselves. I well hope you are free in relying on someone soon if not now. Pray to god too, as when I once was Christian, I prayed too at the time. No one deserves to be like an indentured servant to anyone especially to being a victim. Speak to a therapist. I find when one finds faith in themselves, they find happiness so find who you are, your unique Galaxy. It should be you though, not unless you agree with someone in how they think you are but for reals, you should find what and who you are like what your strengths and stuff like that. Remember, don't just take it meaning being quiet about all this. For one, you need someone to listen, and if you need to start a conversation with me if you know how on this site, you're more than welcome to. Oh yeah, and listen to music too, really refreshing to me at least.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and advise. It is much appreciated!

 

[Chay]

You most likely need to be treated by a psychotherapist for PTSD caused by the sexual abuse. I pray for your recovery.

Thank you for your prayers. I am looking into therapy now.