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[FindingaWay]

I am a gay woman married to a man who doesn't know anything about it.
We have been married for almost 20 years, and have three daughters.
I have fallen in love with a woman.
I know that I can't do anything about it... but I just don't understand. Why would God let this happen, and why is it so hard to get out of.

I don't really expect anyone to have answers. But if you have been in a similar position, please can you share how you resolved it, because I can't find a way through this.

 

[Johnnz]

We are responsible for our actions, not God.

Is this the sort of thing that happens within many marriages - an affair after marriage becomes a bit routine? Have you struggled with your sexuality within marriage, or is this turn of events something new for you?

John
NZ

 

[FaithfulWife]

I am a gay woman married to a man who doesn't know anything about it.
We have been married for almost 20 years, and have three daughters.
I have fallen in love with a woman.
I know that I can't do anything about it... but I just don't understand. Why would God let this happen, and why is it so hard to get out of.

I don't really expect anyone to have answers. But if you have been in a similar position, please can you share how you resolved it, because I can't find a way through this.

Dear FindingAWay,

I do see that you are somewhat new to our forums so I want to welcome you with open arms and let you know that we care about you very much here. I know that what you are describing is a very painful situation. I also want to let you know though that I'm going to be very honest with you and hopefully just be so in a very loving way.

It has been my experience that men and women are very different--not just emotionally and physically, but also sexually--and that men be can somewhat rough and "un-understanding" whereas women can be softer and gentler and more understanding of the things that mean love to a woman. But as a person who loves God, it is my job to DO the actions that please God and that is not always easy. It pleases Him for a man and a woman to be in a committed covenant relationship and to have Him as the 3rd party in that covenant.

It's my understanding that when a man and woman are married, that they have a duty to guard themselves and their spouse against any weaknesses they might have and any temptations that may assail the relationship. I speak from my own personal experience as my first marriage was one that was regularly attacked with affairs and infidelity. From my first marriage, I learned that all of us, every single one, have the ability to fall into an affair given the right circumstances. As human beings we have emotional needs that we need to have met and that if our spouse isn't meeting that need, we may turn to others for it to be met. If the other person starts to meet enough of those emotional needs we start to feel love toward that person, even sometimes sexual excitement. Hey, the fact is that with women emotions and sex are really strongly linked, and if you have FEELINGS often that attraction is there too!

Knowing all this, here is my advise to you. The first and best thing to do is to break all contact with your lover. I know that will hurt like crazy and you will miss her and feel sad and incomplete, but you can not continue to grow in Christ and strengthen your marriage while there is any kind of contact. It is a clean break, like a surgeon's blade, and of the options, it is the least painful and wisest option. If you maintain "some contact" or "a friendship" you'll very easily slide right back into the habits that got you here. Also you will gradually use your time, focus and effort building the relationship with your lover and not your marriage or relationship with God. So completely end it with your lover and never speak to her again. Endure the hardship of what you chose.

Next, I would take the time that you would have normally dedicated to your lover and focus your energy during that time to building your relationship with God. As you are getting things right with God you will start to obey and do the things that please Him, and we know for a fact that what is pleasing to Him is a committed covenant relationship with a man and a woman and God as the 3rd party. To build your relationship with God you can read the Bible and pray, but I would suggest something else that is really helpful to me personally--help others! So often so much of our lives are focused on "me! me! me!" that we don't even notice the hurt and pain in someone else's life--so take the time to notice and reach out to help someone else. Think of others and minister to them. Pray for others. Maybe write on here about what you're struggling with but what you've learned from it.

If you want, you can PM me privately any time and we can talk, okay?






~Faithful

 

[Voice_of _reason]

Hi and welcome.

I know this is a tough issue to talk about..and whatever answer out side of ..."go ahead and run away with that woman" that we give to you is not something you are going to want to hear...but it's good you came here and listened to other peoples opinion anyhow.

This is one of those issues I can not totally grasp either. I heard a pastor swear up and down that homosexuality is a choice and that the notion that God would implant something into your DNA that will damn you to hell is ridiculous. And I must admit that's a decent argument, not that I agree with it, but it makes sense.

My personal opinion is that those who have homosexual tendencies are for whatever reason called to celibacy. You must make a decision what you love more..your God or your burning lust for flesh. This may just be your cross to bear. Is it fair? No, probably not. Do I understand it? Most definately not. It falls into the "mystery of faith" category along with suffering and other issues.

If you have sinned against your spouse I think coming clean is the right thing to do. Matrimony is a 3 way relationship between you, your spouse and God. I sinned agaisnt my spouse by looking at porn and masterbating..I was becoming addicted to it and it was killing me. I not only confessed this to her, but also confessed this to my priest. And since then I have felt much better and have been able to kind of fight of temptation to do that stuff. Confession is good for the soul....

I hope my post does not rub you the wrong way.

The Lord be with you!

 

[FindingaWay]

We are responsible for our actions, not God.

Is this the sort of thing that happens within many marriages - an affair after marriage becomes a bit routine? Have you struggled with your sexuality within marriage, or is this turn of events something new for you?

John
NZ

I know it isn't God's fault... and yes, it is something I have always struggled with.
I got married because well-meaning church leaders told me that God would change me, and that I should have faith.
I have prayed for that change every night for 20 years... maybe it will still happen..
I know He can do it.... He is omnipotent. I am, however, beginning to doubt that He wants to...

 

[Johnnz]

That's being honest.

Being realistic how many cancers are healed, deformities straightened? Why then should inner characteristics be more readily changed by divine fiat? I wish they were, but we don't seem to be at that place in the church just yet - only glimpses for some.

John
NZ

 

[plmarquette]

time for yourself.as a couple .. persuit of some one who makes you feel wanted, needed, and appreciated...
while spouse seems occupied with a bunch of clubs, activiities, and persuits while not acknowldging you ...

It is very hard....occupy your mind, lay it at the feet of the cross , talk to some one...pastor, friend, husband....thoughs are not the end of the world...an infatuation, or a desire.....don't act upon your fantasy....never is what we expect it to be ( we know where it comes from and he is a liar)

 

[FaithfulWife]

Findingaway~

We haven't heard from you in a few days and I was wondering how you're doing. I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I pray that G-d has made His presence known to you and that you are getting love and encouragement for you to continue to seek to do G-d's will.

I would also like to remind you that I have done things wrong too and that I would be deeply embarrassed if my life were to be broadcast as a movie for all to see. Every poster on this thread and every member on this forum has done things that have saddened our Lord and which were grievous mistakes. I point this out because I want you to remember that what you did or what I did are not unforgivable, and it's not "bigger" or "worse." You are STILL a dearly beloved daughter of the Most High G-d and you are the righteousness of Christ through his sacrifice. So when I see you, I see my precious sister in Christ who's worth is beyond measure and who is a valued member of our forum. I hope you will choose to come back and give an update, but if not--if you are afraid that others may respond judgmentally or harshly--just keep checking back now and then, and I'll see if I can't post an encouraging verse or thought for you know and then.

Romans 5:8
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we wereyet sinners, Christ died for us.

Your true and faithful sister and friend,


~FaithfulWife

 

[SpitfireOverThames]

Dear FindingAWay,
Perhaps God will not remove this inner struggle from you, or perhaps He will. But if He does not, that does not mean that He has abandoned you or that His grace and strength isn't available for you to overcome, to make the right decisions, to honour God, your husband, yourself, your testimony. The temptation may always nag at you for attention, but it is only temptation. You can overcome it. You can! God's given everything you need to live a life and a godly life--His Word, His Spirit, His people... Its all there waiting for you to take hold of so you can overcome.

Don't ask HIm to remove the desire, but instead, ask Him how to bypass the feelings/attractions... I believe personally that proximity to the King is most important to overcoming in any area of weakness or temptation. You must have that intimacy with Him to remain true to God, your husband, yourself, etc.

If God will not remove the mountain in your life that seems to always demand your attention and strength to avoid, He'll give you the strength to climb it...to pass it by and never look back.

Be blessed. I'll be praying for you.
Sean

 

[FindingaWay]

Yes, I'm still here... just haven't had a lot of time to log in recently..

I've confessed to my husband... and he was very gracious, and has forgiven me.. but, he doesn't want to talk about it... and I don't have any right to push him.. so, I am just waiting until he has come to terms with it.
I think that seeing how much I have hurt him has brought home to me in a new way how far I have strayed, and how very much I need God's grace.
Sean.. you are so right..it is that intimacy with God that I am trying to get back to... I do love Him, so much.. but my relationship with Him at the moment is hard.. because I can't seem to get past the guilt and shame.
I know, in my head, that I am forgiven... but my heart hasn't grasped it.. and I don't feel that I can truly be right with Him until I can overcome these feelings.....
But I am trusting His faithfulness.... I know He has made a way..

Thank you for your pryers. Please pray for my husband too.
God bless you all.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Hi Findingaway,

I remember I told you I would periodically post an encouraging thought or verse for you, and I found one I'd like to share:

Proverbs 3: 5-8

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.


I would just request that you would think about these verses and what they mean to you. How do you trust the Lord with ALL your heart (and not your hubby)? How do you have trust and faith, and not worry about it if you don't understand. What do you do to ACKNOWLEDGE HIM? Do you do that in all your ways? If you do, there is a promise that He will reveal to you paths that are straight--your foot will not fall where He does not want it to land. What do you do to respectfully fear the Lord G-d Almighty and shun evil? If you do that, there's a promise with this one too that it will bring health to your body. That's not to say it's a "magic wand" but rather than respecting G-d and behaving in a way that pleases Him is a lifestyle that aids in long life!


I'm thinking of you dear sis!

 

[spidergains]

I am a gay woman married to a man who doesn't know anything about it.
We have been married for almost 20 years, and have three daughters.
I have fallen in love with a woman.
I know that I can't do anything about it... but I just don't understand. Why would God let this happen, and why is it so hard to get out of.

I don't really expect anyone to have answers. But if you have been in a similar position, please can you share how you resolved it, because I can't find a way through this.

Keeping the conversation going with God is always a good thing to do (prayer), no matter what the mood. In John 3, Jesus told the High Priest Nicodemus that in order to see the Kingdom of God, one must be born again spiritually.

You have come to that point in your life where you know where you are spiritually. Be true to yourself.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Psalm 136:2 (New International Version)
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.