hey guys this entire week i have wanted a divorce, i just want out of this marriage so bad. The only thing holding me here is the fact that i think i could be giving up my salvation to give up on my marriage. My husband and I have had some really rough times, and have been married less than a year. We've already separated once and almost divorced then. There are no children involved which makes it even harder to stay. My whole family is not supporting this marriage, and to be honest i think his family prety much hopes it will end as well. Im 19 and i feel like i just dnt even know who i am, ive been having doubts about my beliefs. im just soo confused im just having a serious crisis! I have no real romantic feelings for my husband since we separated and im just hungering for that really. To top it all off since we got back together things have been running fairly smoothly, weve barely fought, and he treats me pretty good i think. So really if things arent going too bad and im still feeling like this, i just cant figure out what im supposed to be doing! please some advice would behelpful. Im so scared of dissappointing God but a the same time im absoloutly miserable, and miserable to be around because altho i care for him a great deal, i have no spark with him and just no nothing with him. i love him, but more like a friend or even brother! its just destroying me.
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help!
- Thread starter snowflake04
- Start date
Sparks come and go. If your family is against your marriage you should be with your husband united against them. It seems like you are on the fence between them and very unhappy. Choose your husband and support him and see how things go.
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I think giving advice about the marriage in this situation would be very unwise because there is too much that is unknown. Whether you should stay or go is not something I think I could reasonably and wisely comment on.
Firstly, getting a divorce does not mean losing your salvation. God is much bigger than that. If you were hardening your heart against God that would be dangerous but salvation is not about whether you divorce or not.
Having said that, any divorce should be taken very seriously. Is there someone you could speak to, who is objective ( not family etc) who can help you work through what is happening and how you feel? A few sessions with a professional could be really helpful. It might be quite costly and be a stretch but in the long run of the balance of your future it would be worth doing whatever you can to make it happen. I would suggest a christian counsellor who would understand the aspect of marriage covenant but who can also help you sort out what is best. The fact that the spark is gone does not mean the end of a marriage but I suspect there is a lot more going on than just this.
I pray that you will find the right people to help you work through this. My best advice is to find objective, professional (I say professional because they have usually studied the dynamics of relationships), wise help.
Bless you
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hi ya i am seeing a councellour right now, she's not Christian though, so she just thinks im crazy for trying to make it work im sure. There are no grounds so i feel i should stay, however that is the only thing keeping me here right now. I know my husband can see that, and im not even trying to show him that, he just knows and its hurting him but i dont know how i can change the way im feeling.
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he says he loves me and he feels like im distancing myself from him, which i think i am too. i think it is just the lack of romantic feelings. we are pleasant to each other but certainly not romantic.
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The first year of marriage is usually the hardest because of the period of adjustment. It is good that you are seeing a therapist to help you work thru your difficulties. Just trust in the Lord and he will be there for you.
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ya im trying, im relly hoping its just a first year thing like im just reaaalyy hoping. I think this is a bit more severe then anything ive seen from other people though.
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I'm not going to comment much on your marriage, because obviously I don't know you or your husband, and I am not sure I am qualified to play internet doctor.
I do want to comment on what I quoted...you can change the way you feel, do a large degree, by choosing to. Love isn't a feeling that you have for someone - love is a choice. You can choose to act lovingly towards someone, or you can choose not to. Based on experience, if you choose to act lovingly, most times the 'feelings' will follow.
You say you don't have romantic feelings for your husband....I can understand that, but what I want to know is what does your home life look like? Are either of you making an effort to be 'romantic' (however you might define it). Do you make time to just be together? Go for walks? Have long talks? Make a meal together? Or do you both come home, throw something in the microwave, and sit on the couch watching 'House' all night until it's time to go to bed? If you are doing the first example and things suck...I'm really sorry to hear that, but if you are doing #2, or a variation of it, it's really no wonder that there are no fireworks.
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i have definately heard that before, i mean that feelings follow actions, it just feels like i have no desire. Unfortunately we do the first example. We eat dinner together, have lots of long talks, and he does romantic things for me often. He didnt used to but in the last 4 months he has improved on that a lot. i want to be there for him, ive just completely lost my way with it, like i dont even know how to anymore.
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Maybe then it's time for you to start doing these things for him.
Don't take this comment the wrong way, but it's so easy to get caught up in what I want, what I need, what is making me mad, and what I am not getting, that we loose sight of the fact that we aren't the only person on earth. I have certainly been in that place much more often than I would care to admit, and at times my marriage has sucked because of it. I can't look out only for myself anymore...I have to look out for my wife. What can I be doing to make HER happy.
The love you give equals the love you get, right? Pour yourself into him, as he seems to be doing to you, and I would bet things would start to improve. Obviously it's not a cure all, and there are probably underlying issues that need to be dealt with, but start small, do what you can do at the moment, and then tackle the majors.
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R
Romanseight2005
Guest
It sounds to me like maybe you are dealing with depression, not a marriage issue. Would you be happy if you were by yourself, or would you still be miserable? Part of what you may be going through, is letting go of what the world says marriage is. Examine your expectations. Are you expecting your hubby to fill the hole that only God can fill? Are you expecting your husband to make you happy? Try looking at marriage as a chance for you to serve your Lord, (Jesus) and a chance to serve your husband. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but each spouse should have an attitude of sacrificing for the other. God can help you with this if you ask Him.
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ido
Adios
As someone else said above, it's too hard to know what to say without knowing more of the history of your situation.
I would venture a guess that whatever caused the initial separation which is when you said you lost your attraction to him probably has something to do with the fact that you are still not attracted to him. Women tend to protect their hearts when they're afraid of being hurt - and often times when we're busy protecting, we lose romantic interest in the person that is hurting us. Our emotional and physical relationship with our partner are directly connected, so it's not a huge mystery, in my opinion.
What steps have you taken, either with your counselor (kudos for seeking help, btw!) or otherwise to heal the situation that caused the separation? Did you and your hubby come back together and pretend it never happened? Did you address and resolve the problem that caused it?
You might also want to consider speaking with your pastor together as a couple to address your concerns. They won't typically do long-term counseling, but I know that my ex-husband and I sought the counsel of both of the pastors at our church on different occasions. Marriage counseling, as well as your individual counseling, could be helpful, too.
One last suggestion is to find an older couple in your church or that you know are Christian and seek their fellowship. It can be a tremendous help to a young married couple to be mentored to by a veteran couple whose marriage has withstood the trials of the early years.
Above all else...PRAY! And know that I will be praying for you, too.
I would venture a guess that whatever caused the initial separation which is when you said you lost your attraction to him probably has something to do with the fact that you are still not attracted to him. Women tend to protect their hearts when they're afraid of being hurt - and often times when we're busy protecting, we lose romantic interest in the person that is hurting us. Our emotional and physical relationship with our partner are directly connected, so it's not a huge mystery, in my opinion.
What steps have you taken, either with your counselor (kudos for seeking help, btw!) or otherwise to heal the situation that caused the separation? Did you and your hubby come back together and pretend it never happened? Did you address and resolve the problem that caused it?
You might also want to consider speaking with your pastor together as a couple to address your concerns. They won't typically do long-term counseling, but I know that my ex-husband and I sought the counsel of both of the pastors at our church on different occasions. Marriage counseling, as well as your individual counseling, could be helpful, too.
One last suggestion is to find an older couple in your church or that you know are Christian and seek their fellowship. It can be a tremendous help to a young married couple to be mentored to by a veteran couple whose marriage has withstood the trials of the early years.
Above all else...PRAY! And know that I will be praying for you, too.
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