help..?

[SoleOrison]

I don't know where to start...i've posted here...about once every 6 months...for the same reason...i always come back here....

I'm extremely depressed, about 6 out of 7 days a week. It's always worse at night, and if i have a really bad night, it tends to rollover into the next morning. And the cycle continues. Now it's getting in to winter...and...it's usually during the fall/winter period where I tend to think a lot more about suicide....i think all of my attempts except one were during this time. Lately, i've been reacting more physically with my depression. I've had a few panic attacks, hyperventilation. One was....extremely bad with intense chest pain, tingling/numbing of my hands, and the overwhelming sense that I was going to pass out...and almost did (luckily i was in bed). This never used to happen....I've been depressed since I was about 6. My parents have an inkling on this...but I really try hard not to let them know for many reasons. My mom...is on the verge of open-heart surgery. We're taking one, possibly last , family vacation in case she doesn't....make it. I'm in my first year of college....and have been failing horribly. I used to be an A student, and the transition is increasingly difficult. My head is always submerged in thoughts of death. In fact, i've had dreams of my death for months now...and the same one for a week now. I do sleep a lot...and get yelled at for it...mmm...my boyfriend lives a state away so i can hardly ever see him....and all these little things just...playing a factor with my depression. I've been told many times that i should get some help...see a shrink but i can't for the following reasons: 1) i'm terrified of them....i'm generally worried about meeting new people, but shrinks, i don't know...something about them...scares the heck out of me....2) i can't afford it...i mean...my parents might be able to but i really don't want them to know since they're already in a lot of stress....3)i just can't do it...i can't...i can't voice my feelings or thoughts or anything. I can write everything down....but I can never voice it...i just...can't 4)i'm not a believer of anti-depressants, and with all the people i know who've been depressed and seen a shrink, that's always the solution. I believe God is the best antidepressant there is....and there's more but...this is already long enough.... *sigh* I'm just worried..i'm tired...i'm worn....i'm extremely depressed and often contemplating....I don't know what to do...

 

[tapero]

Hi Hon,

I'm sorry you are feeling so down and have struggled with dreams and thoughts. As I read this it sounds as you are saying that you are struggling from depression and that is a medical condition. You can go to a regular MD to get medications such as anti-depressants if needed. The doctor would know.

I'm sorry about your mom being ill and I hear you saying you don't want to add to the stress of things but your parents would want you to get medical care.

I take medications but upon taking an anti-depressant my anxiety went away immediately with the medicine even so that I could scale back on them with the doctors orders. I still have a little anxiety but feel I am on a good dose of medicine now.

They also help with the depression and it doesn't mean you have to take them forever. They took away suicidal thoughts because it can be a chemical thing, which it was with me.

God gave us medications and doctors to help us. If you had a heart condition you would seek medical care; this is the same thing.

You can get counseling through school or through a pastor. Often churches have program where they will help pay for proffesional counseling. I hear how tired you sound and I hope it's okay that I wrote all this

You need someone to share all this with. You can't bear it alone, and yes God is here but He gave us each other so we would also lean on each other.

I pray for your mom that she would recover fully.

God bless you hon. Love, Tapero

 

[Amin]

I don't know where to start...i've posted here...about once every 6 months...for the same reason...i always come back here....

I'm extremely depressed, about 6 out of 7 days a week. It's always worse at night, and if i have a really bad night, it tends to rollover into the next morning. And the cycle continues. Now it's getting in to winter...and...it's usually during the fall/winter period where I tend to think a lot more about suicide....i think all of my attempts except one were during this time. Lately, i've been reacting more physically with my depression. I've had a few panic attacks, hyperventilation. One was....extremely bad with intense chest pain, tingling/numbing of my hands, and the overwhelming sense that I was going to pass out...and almost did (luckily i was in bed). This never used to happen....I've been depressed since I was about 6. My parents have an inkling on this...but I really try hard not to let them know for many reasons. My mom...is on the verge of open-heart surgery. We're taking one, possibly last , family vacation in case she doesn't....make it. I'm in my first year of college....and have been failing horribly. I used to be an A student, and the transition is increasingly difficult. My head is always submerged in thoughts of death. In fact, i've had dreams of my death for months now...and the same one for a week now. I do sleep a lot...and get yelled at for it...mmm...my boyfriend lives a state away so i can hardly ever see him....and all these little things just...playing a factor with my depression. I've been told many times that i should get some help...see a shrink but i can't for the following reasons: 1) i'm terrified of them....i'm generally worried about meeting new people, but shrinks, i don't know...something about them...scares the heck out of me....2) i can't afford it...i mean...my parents might be able to but i really don't want them to know since they're already in a lot of stress....3)i just can't do it...i can't...i can't voice my feelings or thoughts or anything. I can write everything down....but I can never voice it...i just...can't 4)i'm not a believer of anti-depressants, and with all the people i know who've been depressed and seen a shrink, that's always the solution. I believe God is the best antidepressant there is....and there's more but...this is already long enough.... *sigh* I'm just worried..i'm tired...i'm worn....i'm extremely depressed and often contemplating....I don't know what to do...

Hi,
How are you today. Illnesses are for some reason are always worse at night. Not only depression but physical illnesses too. Anxiety can be a real bummer. Sometimes medicine is a real good start to getting better. As far as being afraid of those in the mental health profession, I've been to see quite a few, and you'll just have to trust me here but they're just ordinary people like you and me. In fact they have problems too like you and I do, I just think they don't let themselves show it as much, or maybe they treat themselves, who knows. I have anxiety too, and it's caused me to stop doing a lot of things i used to do. I think the one thing helping is medicine. With depression and anxiety taking medicine doesn't mean the first one will be the right one. You have to try several sometimes before you find the right one. I wouldn't say medicine is a cure all, but it does help things enough so you can get thinking on the right track again. I know this is easy for me to say, and having depression myself, it's probably something you don't want to hear, but giving up isn't the answer in a case like this. I believe not giving up is a better solution. Even tho it really stinks feeling like this, not giving up gives us time to find a solution to the problem. Most of all, try not to feel alone in your fight for wellness, even tho it may be the hardest thing you've ever done. The truth is you're really not alone. God is here. Why He doesn't play a more active role, i can't say, but be sure he is here. I wish i had something to say that was a cure all for depression and anxiety. The fact remains, riding this rough road to the end is the better thing to do. With each passing day we can learn and try to use what we've learned to be stronger and more able to beat this thing.
Chuck.

 

[SoleOrison]

thanks for the comments, in response to them, part of me doesn't want to give up...another part of me does....i mean....the last time i remember being happy was at the age of 6.....i'm 17 now....i've been fighting it for 11 years....i don't give up easily....if i did i wouldn't be here now....but 11 years of fighting this....is so tiring....i'm emotionally drained, i don't know how much longer i can keep this up...though i intend to try to the very end...i just don't know how much longer i can...As for talking to other people, I don't really...have anyone...i mean i can't tell my parents for obvious reasons...and...i don't have any friends...other than my boyfriend who i can only see maybe once or twice a year....other than that...i don't even have someone to talk to when i need to vent or just...talk....for that reason i tend to let things out on myself...self-injury. It's shameful...but it's an addiction and right now...all i have. I'm a little embarrassed saying all this because i'm very introverted...i just...don't like talking to people about personal stuff. I just got into college, this is my first semester....and i've avoided everyone. The reasons i don't have friends is my own fault....but i've just...had a bad history with people...i can't trust anyone anymore...and it makes things increasingly difficult....i'm going to stop now before i write 10 more pages...

 

[.chrys.]

thanks for the comments, in response to them, part of me doesn't want to give up...another part of me does....i mean....the last time i remember being happy was at the age of 6.....i'm 17 now....i've been fighting it for 11 years....i don't give up easily....if i did i wouldn't be here now....but 11 years of fighting this....is so tiring....i'm emotionally drained, i don't know how much longer i can keep this up...though i intend to try to the very end...i just don't know how much longer i can...As for talking to other people, I don't really...have anyone...i mean i can't tell my parents for obvious reasons...and...i don't have any friends...other than my boyfriend who i can only see maybe once or twice a year....other than that...i don't even have someone to talk to when i need to vent or just...talk....for that reason i tend to let things out on myself...self-injury. It's shameful...but it's an addiction and right now...all i have. I'm a little embarrassed saying all this because i'm very introverted...i just...don't like talking to people about personal stuff. I just got into college, this is my first semester....and i've avoided everyone. The reasons i don't have friends is my own fault....but i've just...had a bad history with people...i can't trust anyone anymore...and it makes things increasingly difficult....i'm going to stop now before i write 10 more pages...

I pray that you do find someone to trust, and to find someone soon. We all need a friend, and though we have a friend in Jesus, it sure is nice to find one we can share our lives with.

Blessings to you today!!
~CW

 

[beckybooiloveu]

Sorry to hear you are not feeling great... but remember god is with you. I would offer some advice or something but im not really in the position to at the moment, so maybe another time... please just know that i will be thinking of you and praying for you! feel free to pm me any time!
Love Bec

 

[Gods4me]

hey hunni.

u've got things really hard just now.

im so sorry that you feel at the end of you rope.

do you feel like you've hit rock bottom?? got news for you.

if your at rock bottom the only way to go is up!!


please do me a favour and really think bout that phrase it is true.

ok you say you againt anti d's. most people are (im one) but i have took them. i can relate to you. i wanted to end ever think may times i didnt care that i would go to hell.

then i relise did i realise that i dint want to feel like i did. i went the doctors after phoning a help line (after telling some random person ont he phone the doctor didnt seam so bad.) i dono bout where you live but here the doctor said that she wasnt going ot give me anti d's she was going to book me in to some help groups and get a nurse person to come to the house and talk to me. and she would phone me every week just to check up on me.

(i really hope thats helped a little)

God wants you in heaven. hes got a plan fo you in this life. this hard ship will help you be strong in the future.


please please pm me or add me on msn. we can chat.

take care sweet heart.
all my love lynn
xxxxxx

 

[PrairieGurl]

thanks for the comments, in response to them, part of me doesn't want to give up...another part of me does....i mean....the last time i remember being happy was at the age of 6.....i'm 17 now....i've been fighting it for 11 years....i don't give up easily....if i did i wouldn't be here now....but 11 years of fighting this....is so tiring....i'm emotionally drained, i don't know how much longer i can keep this up...though i intend to try to the very end...i just don't know how much longer i can...As for talking to other people, I don't really...have anyone...i mean i can't tell my parents for obvious reasons...and...i don't have any friends...other than my boyfriend who i can only see maybe once or twice a year....other than that...i don't even have someone to talk to when i need to vent or just...talk....for that reason i tend to let things out on myself...self-injury. It's shameful...but it's an addiction and right now...all i have. I'm a little embarrassed saying all this because i'm very introverted...i just...don't like talking to people about personal stuff. I just got into college, this is my first semester....and i've avoided everyone. The reasons i don't have friends is my own fault....but i've just...had a bad history with people...i can't trust anyone anymore...and it makes things increasingly difficult....i'm going to stop now before i write 10 more pages...

Dearest SoleOrison

I'm going to reply as a Mom foremost and as a fellow suidcidal mental illness sufferer for over 30 years (starting at age 13, maybe earlier??)

As a Mom who has been in the hands of death herself, I must say...I am so sure your parents would want to know of your pain. My son (who is 17yrs) took sometime before he told me he didn't want to live anymore and how life just sucked and he could see no light at the end of the tunnel....I knew something was seriously wrong (as most Mom's do about their kids) but I didn't know of the extent...I was so grateful he shared with me...regardless of the shape I was in.

This holding everything inside....I did that till I was 18 and ended up in Intensive Care for a week due to a botched suicide attempt. I know it is hard to share your inner most thoughts and pain...and yet I know the release it brings to share this with another human being.
Many think other's will think less of them if they share these things...and maybe some people would... not here tho...and I believe there are some where you live also.

The people here that have posted and many more here at CF...deeply care for those that are so desperately hurting...because we have all been there at one time or another or are still struggling with what you are.

Dear One...do think about sharing with someone.
Don't ever feel that your posts are too long...there is no limit to the size of your post

With Love, s & s,
Wendy

 

[SoleOrison]

thanks again you guys, means a lot....and venting here is a lot safer than what i tend to do so i'm appreciative that you all listen....as for what i'm going to do...i'm not quite sure yet...it's been quite apparent that i should seek some sort of help...though that's much easier said than done....i don't know....i'll figure it out somehow

 

[.chrys.]

SoleOrison,

I pray that things are looking better for you today. Wow. At 17, I just can't imagine all the stress, pain and hurting you are going through right now. First year at college is bad enough, but to be coupled with all the rest of the stuff--especially the health issues with your mom--it just sounds so incredibly overwhelming!

I'm glad that you are able to at least get some of your feelings out in this forum setting, but I have to agree with Wendy: do think about sharing with someone.

Most colleges and universities have a free counselor on site; have you checked with student services at all? Counselors are obligated to keep things private--your parents, friends, classmates will never even have to know. There may even be a local support group you could join.

Medications are not always the way to go. They are helpful for some people, but not all. Obviously, there are more natural remedies you could try: fresh air, exercise, a regularly-established sleep routine, and of course prayer, prayer, prayer.

It is my prayer for you tonight that you will find something or someone to help.

May the Lord bless you and keep you!

~Witness

 

[RaddMadd]

what exactly is wrong? message me if you want to, God bless i'll pray <><

 

[SoleOrison]

thanks Witness, i've thought about the college counselor thing...but...i commute from an 1h 20min away...and don't stay for any acitivities since they're all late...so if i stayed to see counselors of some sort...my parents would surely know and right now, for their sakes, and my mom's health, i dont want them to know about any of this.

RaddMadd,
i'm not sure what your question is, i've written out what i believe 'is wrong', i'm afraid there isn't one exact thing, rather numerous factors compiled into one. I hope that answers your question somehow.

Thanks again guys...i'm afraid it's night though *sigh* my worse time

 

[Amin]

I don't know where to start...i've posted here...about once every 6 months...for the same reason...i always come back here....

I'm extremely depressed, about 6 out of 7 days a week. It's always worse at night, and if i have a really bad night, it tends to rollover into the next morning. And the cycle continues. Now it's getting in to winter...and...it's usually during the fall/winter period where I tend to think a lot more about suicide....i think all of my attempts except one were during this time. Lately, i've been reacting more physically with my depression. I've had a few panic attacks, hyperventilation. One was....extremely bad with intense chest pain, tingling/numbing of my hands, and the overwhelming sense that I was going to pass out...and almost did (luckily i was in bed). This never used to happen....I've been depressed since I was about 6. My parents have an inkling on this...but I really try hard not to let them know for many reasons. My mom...is on the verge of open-heart surgery. We're taking one, possibly last , family vacation in case she doesn't....make it. I'm in my first year of college....and have been failing horribly. I used to be an A student, and the transition is increasingly difficult. My head is always submerged in thoughts of death. In fact, i've had dreams of my death for months now...and the same one for a week now. I do sleep a lot...and get yelled at for it...mmm...my boyfriend lives a state away so i can hardly ever see him....and all these little things just...playing a factor with my depression. I've been told many times that i should get some help...see a shrink but i can't for the following reasons: 1) i'm terrified of them....i'm generally worried about meeting new people, but shrinks, i don't know...something about them...scares the heck out of me....2) i can't afford it...i mean...my parents might be able to but i really don't want them to know since they're already in a lot of stress....3)i just can't do it...i can't...i can't voice my feelings or thoughts or anything. I can write everything down....but I can never voice it...i just...can't 4)i'm not a believer of anti-depressants, and with all the people i know who've been depressed and seen a shrink, that's always the solution. I believe God is the best antidepressant there is....and there's more but...this is already long enough.... *sigh* I'm just worried..i'm tired...i'm worn....i'm extremely depressed and often contemplating....I don't know what to do...

Hi,
If you need someone to talk to or just to vent, feel free to PM me anytime you'd like.Amin. Chuck.

 

[Amin]

thanks again you guys, means a lot....and venting here is a lot safer than what i tend to do so i'm appreciative that you all listen....as for what i'm going to do...i'm not quite sure yet...it's been quite apparent that i should seek some sort of help...though that's much easier said than done....i don't know....i'll figure it out somehow

Hi,
I was just wondering how things were going for you since the last time i replied?
I hope things are getting better for you.
Chuck.