Help

[Lavonne]

I came to a secure site because I was so desperate to talk to someone...
but now, after registering and getting to this spot where I am right now----I am so afraid to share. What if my hopelessness fuels someone else's hopelessness. But, I do not know any other "safe" place where I can share my thoughts. Lord, please do not allow anyone to be discouraged by my thoughts.

Should I not share, if I can't offer some sort of hope???

I hope it is okay to share what I am about to share.
I am sad. I am depressed.
My room is a pile of clothes on top of clothes on top of clothes. The rest of the apartment is like my outer life: clean, cute, and just a little messy, enough to appear normal. But inside, I am tormented. There were times today, that life was okay. I am going to make it through just fine. I will be okay.
Then there are times like now...
I question whether this is really worth it. All of this. I will have to deal with this battle my WHOLE life?!? I do not think I can. Not if it is like this. I am 27 and single. An "eligible bachelorette". Yet, I do not think I would or could ever marry anyone. (New revelation as of today) I don't think I could ever have kids (though I am a huge kids advocate, in spirit and profession)(also a new revelation) because it would not be fair to them. The bipolar websites tell me all about how the families of bipolar indiv.'s have to suffer.
If I could be taken out of all this suffering, I'd raise my hand in a second. But that would hurt my family. More than that, it would destroy my ministry, the precious kids I work with. I laugh with those kids, share the hope of Jesus Christ with them, I pray with them over the big and the little things, we see the ways God is working corporately and personally. They have no idea that the smiley face, the one eager to greet them with hugs, is so sad, so tired.
I am gaining so much weight. It makes me so much more depressed.
Do I need to tell my work that I have this disorder? But there is just way tooo much vulnerablity in that. I feel like that could be used to destroy me. That knowledge could take away my job. If they knew I was this sick, they would not want me working with their kids. How ironic that I am sharing "hope" with them. Why do I have this? Why can't this "dream life", that others see, be real?
Do you think I am crazy?
I have no one in my life I can share this with and I can not afford counseling. (You say, how can I NOT afford it? right?) Grrr.
But all of this will just go away.
I will be okay again for -who knows how long-?
I will regret ever writing this, because it was done in vulnerability and what if someone can trace it to me...
really, that wasn't me.
Look how happy and normal I am.
Life is okay.
Then.....
it is this again.
Only lower.
Because it is always lower.
Have any Christian's written any books on surviving being bipolar? How in the world does one do it?!
I am so tired.
I hate constantly trying new meds and switching meds because nothing ever works. With each med switch I gain more and more weight.
Right now I am on Effexor (3 capsules a day/each 75mg so..225mg daily) in the morning and Lamictal (200mg) at night, as well as a whole host of sleeping med's. Right now, I am finishing up a bottle of Lorazepam (1mg). Maybe you suggest my meds just aren't working for me. Welp, your probably right, but they never do.



I hit "submit new thread", terrified that someone might be able to trace this to me somehow.
Oh, Lord...

 

[broken4him]

Hi Lovanne

I want you to know that I hear your every word. You have come to the right board. People here are kind and full of wisdom.
To me it sounds like you are cycling with your mood swings. I know you are saying right. I know that much!
As far as not getting married, and having children I really hope you think about that. I am married, and we have two children. Both of my children went to college and are doing very well for themselves.
I understand the part about wishing you were not bipolar. Yet I read in your post how wonderful you are with the children, sharing hope and Christ. You are who you are and God is using you. He made you perfect in his sight.
As for telling your work I will help you pray about that. I am also sure that others on here that have way more experience than I do will be able to address this better than I can.
No, I don’t think you are crazy.
I am sorry you can’t afford counseling.
I don’t think anyone will try to trace your thread to you .

 

[spdnet75]

I came to a secure site because I was so desperate to talk to someone...
but now, after registering and getting to this spot where I am right now----I am so afraid to share. What if my hopelessness fuels someone else's hopelessness. But, I do not know any other "safe" place where I can share my thoughts. Lord, please do not allow anyone to be discouraged by my thoughts.

Should I not share, if I can't offer some sort of hope???

I hope it is okay to share what I am about to share.
I am sad. I am depressed.
My room is a pile of clothes on top of clothes on top of clothes. The rest of the apartment is like my outer life: clean, cute, and just a little messy, enough to appear normal. But inside, I am tormented. There were times today, that life was okay. I am going to make it through just fine. I will be okay.
Then there are times like now...
I question whether this is really worth it. All of this. I will have to deal with this battle my WHOLE life?!? I do not think I can. Not if it is like this. I am 27 and single. An "eligible bachelorette". Yet, I do not think I would or could ever marry anyone. (New revelation as of today) I don't think I could ever have kids (though I am a huge kids advocate, in spirit and profession)(also a new revelation) because it would not be fair to them. The bipolar websites tell me all about how the families of bipolar indiv.'s have to suffer.
If I could be taken out of all this suffering, I'd raise my hand in a second. But that would hurt my family. More than that, it would destroy my ministry, the precious kids I work with. I laugh with those kids, share the hope of Jesus Christ with them, I pray with them over the big and the little things, we see the ways God is working corporately and personally. They have no idea that the smiley face, the one eager to greet them with hugs, is so sad, so tired.
I am gaining so much weight. It makes me so much more depressed.
Do I need to tell my work that I have this disorder? But there is just way tooo much vulnerablity in that. I feel like that could be used to destroy me. That knowledge could take away my job. If they knew I was this sick, they would not want me working with their kids. How ironic that I am sharing "hope" with them. Why do I have this? Why can't this "dream life", that others see, be real?
Do you think I am crazy?
I have no one in my life I can share this with and I can not afford counseling. (You say, how can I NOT afford it? right?) Grrr.
But all of this will just go away.
I will be okay again for -who knows how long-?
I will regret ever writing this, because it was done in vulnerability and what if someone can trace it to me...
really, that wasn't me.
Look how happy and normal I am.
Life is okay.
Then.....
it is this again.
Only lower.
Because it is always lower.
Have any Christian's written any books on surviving being bipolar? How in the world does one do it?!
I am so tired.
I hate constantly trying new meds and switching meds because nothing ever works. With each med switch I gain more and more weight.
Right now I am on Effexor (3 capsules a day/each 75mg so..225mg daily) in the morning and Lamictal (200mg) at night, as well as a whole host of sleeping med's. Right now, I am finishing up a bottle of Lorazepam (1mg). Maybe you suggest my meds just aren't working for me. Welp, your probably right, but they never do.



I hit "submit new thread", terrified that someone might be able to trace this to me somehow.
Oh, Lord...

Lavonne, I had no idea that I would meet you as a person in my life. You have SO much to say. I am looking and listening.

Stephen

 

[Jeshu]

Survive we must to give God the glory. I know it sounds good I can't wait till I be there -- all of us healed praising!

(I got 5 kids and only one of them has bi-poloar symptoms.)

Gerry

 

[Alive again]

Lavonne,

Welcome to CF!!! I am so glad you chose to joins us. You will find some of the most amazing prayer warriors
and understanding and supportive people here!

Yes, I do know the feelings of which you speak. I spent so much of my time in depression with that pretty face on , because nobody really wants to know the truth when they say "How are you?"

I am married, have 2 kids-my son is bipolar 2 just like me. My father was bp2 as well, so the genetics are there in my family. Our matrriage and home has been well, challenging, but it is also amazing to watch God use all things for His glory and good. Sometimes when we feel so broken it is hard to see or believe that. So be honest with yourself and open to God's plan whether that is marriage or not.

I also know the challenge of deciding who to tell what, especially employers. My thoughts when it comes to employers is to only tell them what they have to know unless you are sure of their reactions. But then I am a RN by background and they tend to be not as understanding as you would think they should be. My steps in telling others have been slow and careful, but I have several friends who I know I could call at 3 am and who know they can call me in a crisis. I started there and have slowly stretched my wings. But I am still very careful and selective as there is still much stigma and misunderstanding about mental helath illnesses.

Books by Christians. There are getting to be more and more. Two short ones, but helpful to me were Seek His Face He will Provide by Gayle Darhouwer and In The Pits by Nancy Hagerman. I have gotten both from Amazon. There is also a BP magazine (secular). The magazine comes with a over cover so even your mailman doesn't know! Sheila Walsh has books that talk openly about her depression (not bp) and Sandi Patti has a book about how she was sexually abused, so ther trully are many Christians stepping up to the plate and speaking of their brokenness and how God has seen them through.

I also battle the weight issue, recently lost 100 pounds, up about 25 again and trying to get back into the losing part again ") I truly envy the women who seem to arrive at the place where weight does not matter anymore.

And oh yes, there have been many posts about those sleep issues!!!! I am up at 5 am for some reason this am!!! UGH!!! Seems to happen when I need rest the most.

SO you have come to a safe place and we do understand. Feel free to post anytime or pm me or any of the other here!!! Welcome!!!

Blessings and Prayers,

 

[lemonflavor]

Another book is Darkness Is My Only Companion: A Christian Response to Mental Illness by Kathryn Greene-McCreight

 

[angelkiss]

Lavonne, Welcome to CF! This is a really good place to find support and do know that you're not alone. I, as well as others, have been in your place many times, and I know that it's hard to keep pushing when it seems that you can't push anymore. I am living proof that you can make it through. It's easier said than done, but it's not impossible.
I've heard many people say "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade" I don't do that. I throw the lemons right back out there and I keep on fighting each battle to the win. Sure, there's times I feel as though I can't go on, but I know deep down inside that I can. At one time, I let my illness control me, but I learned to stand up and take control of my illness.
God, family, and my friends here at CF help me through my hardships. Hang in there. We're all praying for you.
's and es!!

 

[COVINABP]

Lavonne, another welcome! You are @ the right place, the support I have received by this incredibly group could not be replaced by anything else in the world, when I was falling, God & my CF freinds were there, I arrived here after my wife left me, and well, she is here right now, we are preparing for our daughters 2nd b-day party tomorrow. I wouldn't trade my family for anything, and my wife, as hard as it is for me to understand, wouldn't trade me, with even having my bp. The Lord will show you his plan for you in time, just know that. There are many others here, far more knowledgeable than me.

God Bless,

William

 

[berry2000]

Weclome friend!

One thing I've learned is it is okay to be yourself here. In fact it is better and more healthy to be honest. Sometimes you will be "up" and able to encourage others and be positive other days or months you will be down and need encouragement. The good thing about hanging out with so many bipolars is someone is always "up" and we take turns encouraging each other.

As you become more comfortable...you will be able to share more. Just don't be afraid to be yourself and honest wiht wher eyou are really at. WE understand! Part of the ilnnes is the negativity.

WElcome again and gla dto h ave you with us!