My ex-gf is struggling with trust....We have been broken up 3 months and I did cheat on her. I have since begun a new life, focused more on God and living my life totally different than I have in the past. I have been trying to show her that I no longer am the person I was...but a stronger more deteremined, dedicated man seeking God. The girl I cheated with continues to put doubt in her..telling her un true things etc....just to make sure we do not make it. My ex now thinks she needs total space from me to see if she can trust and believe in me again. We love each other very much and she wants to believe in me....I feel we should take an active more postive role in rebuilding the trust through councling or other methods...I don't think just not talking will solve or fix anything....when we are together it is great....apart she doubts....I want her to see and experience the new man I am.....she is also HIGHLY infulenced by friends that say....stay away...don't go back.....They do not know all the things I am doing in my life to change...they only know I cheated....Any help or Godly, biblical advise I can pass on to help me and my ex......I feel deep down that God has plans for her and me.....I just feel sometimes we need to take a step towards him and give HIM or worries and doubts....and also take steps through other measures besides space....Thanks for your help.
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Help with Trust
- Thread starter zapped
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EmSchmem
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Of course she is struggling with trust. You broke her trust. You'd have gotten no second chances from me in all honesty. I'd forgive you, but I wouldn't be with you anymore. If she feels that she needs this space, you need to honor that. You are asking her to take a huge leap with someone who hasn't proved trustworthy. She needs time to absorb that and find out what she really wants and back away emotionally. I would not agree that you need to be doing any counseling since you mention no intention to marry this woman. That will only involve her more deeply.
If you cheated there is no longer a "we" that you speak of. And anyone would go to their friends with this.
It seems like you do not want her to take this break from you because when she is away all this sneaking doubt comes to her mind. So if she has this time away from you she may decide she never wants to be with you again.
It also seems like you are looking at what is best for you, not her. Not a lot of love there.
If you cheated there is no longer a "we" that you speak of. And anyone would go to their friends with this.
It seems like you do not want her to take this break from you because when she is away all this sneaking doubt comes to her mind. So if she has this time away from you she may decide she never wants to be with you again.
It also seems like you are looking at what is best for you, not her. Not a lot of love there.
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We have all sinned and fallen in our lives....We all have the capability to turn our lives around and be better than we were.....I don't believe it is fair for you to say you would not have given me a 2nd chance, would you say that if God still told you to stand by me. I know she has every right to have trust issues....I am very aware of what issues and doubts she has in her head. Although I didn't mention I have made it clear to her that I DO want to marry her and that I feel God her in my future plans. I also know that space and distance can create exactly that.....space and distance...you can get used to being without that person....sorry but I feel that if 2 people love each other like we do, and truly love being together when we are and miss each other when we are apart, then it makes sense to work on the issues of trust. Ignoring it or not dealing with it is sensless. God has used this to finally change my life and help me become what he always wanted me to be.....You may feel i'm looking at what is best for me but I know that God has a plan and that I will bless her life....I appreciate your quick judgement of what you think but honestly have her best interest at heart and if I felt God leading me away from her I would let her go. Inaction solves nothing....1 reason most relationships end...I would like her to be a part and witness the changes, truly see how I am different and leading my life..in seeing that it will help her to believe I am different from who I WAS....and she can start to believe in who i AM. She would like to believe in me....she would like to trust me....that being true would the next step not be to work on fixing that?? Our love for each other is not in question, our desire is there, but yes it will take work to fix and rebuild this which is something God CAN do....I know he would love to bless our relationship if we BOTH came to him.....
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Maeyken
Senior Veteran
If you are so certain that God's plans are for the two of you to be together, what is the harm in honoring her request for some time alone? Perhaps she needs to think things through, and spend time on her own to heal before she can work at rebuilding the trust between the two of you. Maybe she needs some time to spend with God, to reaffirm that you are the one He intends for her. If you two are intened to be together, you WILL be together. God will make sure of that.zapped said:
Also, you can change whether you are with her or not, and she will be able to see the changes in you whether you are with her or not.
You are correct. But spending some time apart is not ignoring the issue. It can be a time of healing, and can reaffirm that you both want to work at rebuilding the trust you broke.zapped said:
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Tuffguy
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- Jun 2, 2004
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Make sure you don't make excuses for what you did. Make sure she knows that you accept full responsibility for what went down. Thats the only way to survive this. Ask her what things you can do to make it up to her,,,ask her what will help you regain her trust.
Make sure shes worth it though,,,because if you go through all this effort and she makes the effort to take you back, shes going to be thinking serious relationship stuff.
Make sure shes worth it though,,,because if you go through all this effort and she makes the effort to take you back, shes going to be thinking serious relationship stuff.
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EmSchmem
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I didn't say I wouldn't forgive you if it were me, I merely would not be with you anymore. That is not quick judgement. It is a fact my husband knows that if he had cheated on me during our dating or engaged days, there would be no wedding. There would be some possibility for reconciliation if it were to happen when we were married but it would honestly depened on the circumstances. Your love for each other may not be in question but that doesn't mean it is God's will for you to be together. And just becuase you believe it to be the case does not mean that she believes it to be so.zapped said:
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MrsGnomeCrusher
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zapped said:
Trust also is her trusting herself to let you in again. Trust isn't just you, but her, also.
I understand that you want to show her the new man that you are, but sometimes you must take these things slowly. If you come in quick and "flashy," so to speak, in regards with you showing her that trust, it won't win her over. Building trust takes time. You need to be there for her and give her the time she needs. Also, pray, pray, pray.
I was cheated on before when I wasn't a Christian and at that point, I wouldn't have stayed with someone. Then again, looking back, it wasn't really love. But if I was now cheated on, it would be a major blow, but I wouldn't give up on the relationship. It may take a long time, but I'm sure I would come around. God gave me a second chance.
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I
InTheFlame
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The only person you can make decisions for, is yourself. If she decides to break it off with you forever, that's up to her. You can't make her want to be with you.
I understand that you've made a big mistake, you've majorly damaged your relationship, and you're desperately sorry. All you can do is prove yourself trustworthy and allow her to make her own choices about whether to restart the relationship. She needs to work out that you're worth the effort of rebuilding the whole thing AND filling in the huge trust gap you've created.
Crowding her will not help... I know it's so hard not to, but you'll probably drive her further away. I think you're right, counselling is a good idea - go to a counsellor by yourself for a while (if you aren't already) to sort out your end of it. They'll help you see the relationship clearly, which will help a lot. Then, about all you can do is guard your own heart. Accept that the relationship might be over for now, and close your heart to her at least a little so that every rejection doesn't have you bleeding (metaphorically) all over the floor.
Have a look at Love Must Be Tough (James Dobson). It's an old book but might really help.
I understand that you've made a big mistake, you've majorly damaged your relationship, and you're desperately sorry. All you can do is prove yourself trustworthy and allow her to make her own choices about whether to restart the relationship. She needs to work out that you're worth the effort of rebuilding the whole thing AND filling in the huge trust gap you've created.
Crowding her will not help... I know it's so hard not to, but you'll probably drive her further away. I think you're right, counselling is a good idea - go to a counsellor by yourself for a while (if you aren't already) to sort out your end of it. They'll help you see the relationship clearly, which will help a lot. Then, about all you can do is guard your own heart. Accept that the relationship might be over for now, and close your heart to her at least a little so that every rejection doesn't have you bleeding (metaphorically) all over the floor.
Have a look at Love Must Be Tough (James Dobson). It's an old book but might really help.
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LadyBird
Dance Me to the End of Love
1st Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
What you did to your ex-girlfriend certainly does NOT reflect on what the Bible says about love. I don't think you know how deeply you hurt her or how shattered her heart was when you cheated on her.
Maybe you are a changed person. Because I believe people can change. And maybe she does forgive you. But maybe she just doesn't want to go there again. I know that's not what you want to hear. But you have to give her time and space. Who knows how long she needs, if she doesn't ever want to be with you again, respect her wishes because if love someone, set them free.
Don't just tell her that you are a changed person, show her you are. Show her through your actions. For now, forget about getting back together with her and focus on building a friendship. Don't expect to get back together either. Don't just rebuild your friendship so that maybe she will want to get back together. Do it because you want her as a friend and if you get back together, then that's great. Just don't get your hopes up.
And don't pressure her into anything either...a friendship or a relationship. She may not be ready, nor may she ever be ready. All great relationships are built on top of a great friendship...and of course trust and honesty.
You broke her trust and you broke her heart. You treated her badly. Sorry, I don't think I would take back my boyfriend either if he cheated on me. I know God forgives us and gives us second chances. But not everyone can give another person a second chance. We are not God.
Sometimes with love, there are no second chances.
You also said:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
What you did to your ex-girlfriend certainly does NOT reflect on what the Bible says about love. I don't think you know how deeply you hurt her or how shattered her heart was when you cheated on her.
Maybe you are a changed person. Because I believe people can change. And maybe she does forgive you. But maybe she just doesn't want to go there again. I know that's not what you want to hear. But you have to give her time and space. Who knows how long she needs, if she doesn't ever want to be with you again, respect her wishes because if love someone, set them free.
Don't just tell her that you are a changed person, show her you are. Show her through your actions. For now, forget about getting back together with her and focus on building a friendship. Don't expect to get back together either. Don't just rebuild your friendship so that maybe she will want to get back together. Do it because you want her as a friend and if you get back together, then that's great. Just don't get your hopes up.
And don't pressure her into anything either...a friendship or a relationship. She may not be ready, nor may she ever be ready. All great relationships are built on top of a great friendship...and of course trust and honesty.
You broke her trust and you broke her heart. You treated her badly. Sorry, I don't think I would take back my boyfriend either if he cheated on me. I know God forgives us and gives us second chances. But not everyone can give another person a second chance. We are not God.
Sometimes with love, there are no second chances.
You also said:
Maybe God is using this to change your life around...but your ex may or may not be part of the plan. You said you do want to marry her. Well, if you did...why did you cheat on her? And you said that you feel God has her in your future, but maybe she's just supposed to be your friend.
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