Help with pathological liar for a wife

[JMU]

I am sorry I could really use help. For more than ten years now . I've been married to my wife. We have a wonderful daughter that is 13 years old. Being a christian i have hold on to my responsibilities as being a father and husband. However, i can say that the past 13 years has been very difficult for me. I realized somewhat late that my wife has tendency to be lying and making up stories all the time. It has gotten to the point that anything she tells me i don't even believe anymore. It hurts me to say that. I love my wife and she has wonderful qualities too. But her obsessive compulsive behaviour and the lying just breaks my heart. She feels she has to be in control all the time and when difficulties come she just makes it so hard. I am worried for my daughter too because she sees this weirdness in her mom and i just to explain that she should be more patient. I even stopped going to church because when we meet people she tells all this fantastic lies that it is really embarassing. And also if I start getting new friends she finds things to criticize so i will cut the friendships with them. I know that the bible tells us to be longsuffering but i am human and really am having a hard time now. I guess you can say my patience is wearing thin. I have sacrificed my life for this and i am frankly just miserable now. A time i tried to be really involved in the ministry which i loved but she had all sorts of complaints about everybody. I can keep on but for the meantime ... HELP !!!!

 

[ShetlandRose]

Do you believe your wife is deliberately lying to deceive or merely exaggerating? What does she say when you confront her with the lies? Does she call them "little white lies?" Lies are lies, by the way; no such thing as "little white ones." If your wife is a Christian, does she understand that because the Spirit of God is the spirit of truth, we can only honor God when we are truthful and have integrity, a reflection of Jesus Christ?

 

[Suzannah]

Dear JMU;
Have you talked to your pastor about this? I strongly urge you to seek spiritual guidance from your pastor or priest. I can only say: pray, pray and pray some more. Have you confronted your wife and told her you know she is lying or making up stories?
If so, what was her reaction?

 

[rockwell]

Hi, I’m not in your situation, I don’t fully understand what you are going through and nothing that I can say will help but let me tell you that if this what happening to me this is what I would do

1. Seek professional advice, your wife might have issues from her childhood and or early teenage years that are making her act like this. There are lots of good christian psychologists out there that can surely help.

2. Pray and fast as much as you can, this is your time of testing and we have all been there!!!

From here, all I can say is that I will pray that God will lead you to the right people and that eventually your wife will change.

PS. God's timing is different to ours so don’t get discouraged when things don’t go your way. Persevere and God will honour your faith and trust in Him.

 

[JMU]

Thanks for all the encouragement.

She does not call them little white lies. She just makes statements matter -of-factly and she does not even call them lies. I confronted her about this after we got married and i noticed that something was off and she only cried and did not respond at all after that she would just give me the silent treatment so after awhile i just stopped confronting her. And this was the beginning of our relationship. Anyway It was hard for me to talk to my pastor and now i regret not talking to him about it. I guess i thought i was protecting her reputation. You know how some christians can hurt your feelings too by spreading stories and i've seen and heard enough of it to go around. Now i know that we really need professional help .

 

[sowellfan]

I'll second going to the pastor, and trying to have him help you convince her to go to counseling. I'm also inclined to think that something in her past is at the root of this, and it'd probably take a licensed mental health professional (preferably Christian) to get through it.

If she won't go, maybe you can go for a few sessions for help and advice in dealing with the situation.

 

[Gentle-Heart]

Agree with advice given so far and encourage you to talk this over with your Pastor. I am sure once they know how hard this is for you they will be understanding and support you.

Regarding your wife, people usually put others down and critisise because their self-esteem has been damaged and their sense of self-worth. So in order to make themselves feel better they put others down.
It seems like your dear wife has some unresolved issues and these may be painful to face. Issues from as long back as her childhood.

She may have buried things that were too hard for her to face or deal with. Or just did not have the opportunity to receive the right kind of help and prayer support. So may not be fully aware of why she is how she is. But denial of a problem is common amongst those who need healing from emotional pain. It can be pretty scary to admit "weakness" as it can cause you to feel vulnerable. Just like in the past when you were hurt.

Also equally true is she may not know what is the "root" of her behaviour. This is where prayer and counsel can help.

The fact she needs to feel in control is evidence she is insecure. And insecurity can cause fear.

Her habit of lying, has become that ,a habit. Based on unmet needs and unhealed emotions. Jesus wants to free her from this and will.

I feel she behaves this way because some time in her past she suffered rejection and this can cause people to feel the need to be in control of everything.

It's so sad you have let her insecurity cause you to not keep contact with new friends. That would not have helped her or you. Next time you have that opportunity then continue with the friendship.That will enable you to discuss why it is unreasonable for her to prevent you having friends and open the door for her to say why she feels so threatened by them.

Don't let her insecurity manipulate or control what you want to do. She needs help yes, but you shouldn't suffer because of it. Otherwise the enemy could use this to cause you to become resentful over lost ministry opportunites etc

She needs to find her security in the Lord and this could take a while. Meanwhile show her lots of love and patience, as indeed you are doing. But make it claer that she can not dominate your life by preventing you making friendships. That clearly is wrong and unhelpful to you and her recovery.

She needs to see that these friendships can enhance her life and not threaten anyway your love for her as a person.

She may not agree to this but I feel she needs you to make new friends. Ones so far she has put down and dissuaded you from having - so that she will have to face why she is so uncomfortable with that and therefore says what she does. It is only when people face upto their difficulties do they eventually realise it is them that need to change.

I appreciate doing this may be hard for you due her reaction but this cycle of " having to control things" from her, needs to be broken. You need to feel free to do what the Lord calls you to do and don't accept her preventing you from doing it.

I say all this not to upset you but because I care that both of you find much love and peace in the Lord.

And because once I was just like your wife, insecure and scared of my now ex-husband having friends. I was damaged through abuse and lost my sense of self-worth so you tend to have a negative view of yourself. In order to bolster yourself you can put others down unfairly. Thankfully I recognised what I was doing was wrong and felt so bad about it, so I stopped. And since then God has continued his healing.

What helped me was my ex-husband continued with new friendships despite my objections and over time when I realised what I said didn't make any difference, I accepted it. And as I let myself get to know them, they eventually became a source of blessing and not someone to fear or put down.I actually opened up to them and said what my problem was and they were so kind and loving and prayed for me. That was God's mercy and grace in action.

God enabled me to see people how He saw them and not from my own, damaged point of view.

I hope this has helped. There is hope and what I shared about still keeping friendships despite your wife's objections, was what long term helped me.

I will be praying for you both through this.

Be encouraged, God is faithful and will complete the work He has begun.

Much peace and blessing
Gentle-Heart

 

[JMU]

Gentle heart what you have said has been such a blessing. Thinking of all that you and others have said has made me so hopeful that despite all the seeming insurmountable problem wich God all things are possible. Please pray as i finally make really hard choices on what to do. I do know what i need to do. I would like to mention that my my wife has a son and daughter from a previous marriage. My step daughter has been such an insight on what her mom is. She has been brought to the hospital for psychological problems already. She truly needs help coz she has been diagnosed bi polar. She has no friends too and she has been moving from place to place coz she cant last more than 3 months in one place. I remember the time the doctor was asking me to bring my wife so they can talk to her and she said no. She would not even visit her own daughter in the hospital. My life has been a balancing act all this years and it is getting to be old. I guess enough is enough. Please pray as i take steps to try to do what is really pleasing in God's sight despite the tough decisions to mak.

 

[J.A.I]

JMU - God bless you and your decisions you have to make. I pray God comforts you and gives you peace as you deal with the situation at hand...