Help with Marriage counseling

[crzyddy]

My fiance and I recently started marriage counseling with her pastor. I have been divorced for 4 years now and have 2 children from my marriage. First of all, her pastor seemed to have a problem with me being divorced, and then proceeded to say that he wasn't sure that he could marry my fiance and I. I have an overwhelming feeling that he is going to concentrate on my past failed relationships and judge me based on that without truly knowing me and then say that he won't marry us. So I feel like I am holding my breath until he makes a decision. I believe that I have been saved and I want to keep God in front of this relationship. I know that I have sinned and feel that God has forgiven me. It is difficult for me to keep bringing up my past especially in this setting. I don't want to hurt my fiance's feelings by telling her that I am uncomfortable with her pastor, but I don't know if I can continue going through the pain of re-hashing my past. Advice please!!

 

[Avaya]

Second marriages are HARD. I'm a stepmother so I can tell you, your wife will go through HELL in that marriage. Things you never expect to occur will come between you two. Things that seem so simple will cause the most horrible arguments. You have to be prepared for that. I love my husband dearly and I can't say I wouldn't marry him again, but I can say I'd not have any preconceived notions going in. I would also advise any woman NOT to marry a man with children. It's just way too hard. I hope the pastor wont judge you solely on your divorce, but he's being realistic in heavily weighing whether to marry you two when odds are against the marriage working. It's a shame, really it is, but it's a fact of life. Marriage is HARD, but when you add kids and an ex, it's just harder. I'm expected to love my stepdaughter like she's my own, but she is NOT expected to love me like I'm her mother because she already has one. It's HARD to love kids who you have no 'control' over. It's hard to invest your heart in a child who will reject you over and over again. Keep talking with the pastor. Hopefully he will go throuh the counseling with you two BEFORE he decides whether he will marry you or not.

 

[Yitzchak]

What you describe qualifies as a conflict of interests for the pastor. Meaning it is impossible for him to be objective and keep a helpful perspective when he has a prejudice comign into the counseling. I would insist upon a more objective pastor who will take the time to get to know both of you and counsel you based on that.

I am married for the second time and have children from my first marriage. The important thing is that the two of you come together and face problems together. If you go into it with an attitude of her problems and your problems instead of "our" problems then you will have lots of trouble as the last post described. But if you look at it as something which the two of you face together , then it will go much better.

Children are a blessing from the Lord and no matter what the circumstances are always a plus and never a minus. However, you both will bring baggage from the past. You need to face her past and your past together as a team. that it true of 100% of marriages. Different upbringings , different cultures, etc. The two must become one.

 

[Southern Cross]

I would also advise any woman NOT to marry a man with children. It's just way too hard.

And that's just so wrong to say! I will be divorced soon, and there's not much I can do about it. I have four young children. I'd like to think that once I get through this that *maybe* I could marry again if I meet someone. Not sure what God's will is nor will I be for quite some time - who knows, I may never date again. But to counter your statement, I have known quite a few families where a stepmom or stepdad had a great relationship with their children and it was only because someone was willing to step in and become part of an "instant family" that the kids turned out pretty good from a spriritual and relationship standpoint. So I think that advising any woman to not marry a man with kids (or telling a man to avoid a woman with kids) is wrong. It should be taken on a case by case basis. Sounds like you got a raw deal with your stepdaughter.

 

[crzyddy]

And that's just so wrong to say! I will be divorced soon, and there's not much I can do about it. I have four young children. I'd like to think that once I get through this that *maybe* I could marry again if I meet someone. Not sure what God's will is nor will I be for quite some time - who knows, I may never date again. But to counter your statement, I have known quite a few families where a stepmom or stepdad had a great relationship with their children and it was only because someone was willing to step in and become part of an "instant family" that the kids turned out pretty good from a spriritual and relationship standpoint. So I think that advising any woman to not marry a man with kids (or telling a man to avoid a woman with kids) is wrong. It should be taken on a case by case basis. Sounds like you got a raw deal with your stepdaughter.

Thank you!!

 

[crzyddy]

What you describe qualifies as a conflict of interests for the pastor. Meaning it is impossible for him to be objective and keep a helpful perspective when he has a prejudice comign into the counseling. I would insist upon a more objective pastor who will take the time to get to know both of you and counsel you based on that.

I am married for the second time and have children from my first marriage. The important thing is that the two of you come together and face problems together. If you go into it with an attitude of her problems and your problems instead of "our" problems then you will have lots of trouble as the last post described. But if you look at it as something which the two of you face together , then it will go much better.

Children are a blessing from the Lord and no matter what the circumstances are always a plus and never a minus. However, you both will bring baggage from the past. You need to face her past and your past together as a team. that it true of 100% of marriages. Different upbringings , different cultures, etc. The two must become one.

Thank You!!

 

[Avaya]

And that's just so wrong to say! I will be divorced soon, and there's not much I can do about it. I have four young children. I'd like to think that once I get through this that *maybe* I could marry again if I meet someone. Not sure what God's will is nor will I be for quite some time - who knows, I may never date again. But to counter your statement, I have known quite a few families where a stepmom or stepdad had a great relationship with their children and it was only because someone was willing to step in and become part of an "instant family" that the kids turned out pretty good from a spriritual and relationship standpoint. So I think that advising any woman to not marry a man with kids (or telling a man to avoid a woman with kids) is wrong. It should be taken on a case by case basis. Sounds like you got a raw deal with your stepdaughter.

I'm just being honest. It is just way way hard. God hates divorce. Not until I was in this family did I fully realize why. He knew what he was talking about when He 'made the rules'. It's a shame that both people in a marriage don't live by those rules - making the one who is suffer the consequences of the one who chooses not to. I have a great stepdaughter. Her mother is the problem - and slowly mom is rubbing off on my stepdaughter.

 

[heartnsoul]

A good marriage counselor is objective and compassionate. From what you described of your fiancee's pastor, not only is he not a good counselor, but I also question his credibility as a pastor. No offense to your fiancee, but both of you need to counsel with someone who BOTH of you feel comfortable with. If you're not comfortable with this pastor, there are hundreds of other pastors or marriage counselors you can go to. That's the only good thing about all these millions of churches out there...is that you can always find another church or pastor to talk to.

There are different opinions within churches when it comes to the topic of divorce and remarriage. The views differ so widely that it is very confusing and destructive to a person's faith. Some view God from a legalistic standpoint and feel that God is unforgiving and all about rules, judgment and punishment. Others view God as a *loving* and *forgiving* God who wants the BEST for us in life and puts love above laws. I view God as the latter. If the pastor isn't compassionate towards you, then you will have a difficult time trusting him.

Maybe also find some time to sit down with your fiancee and explain to her your feelings about her pastor. Hopefully both of you will be open-minded enough to seek another pastor for counseling. I know you must feel like you're at a crossroad and may be afraid your fiancee may disagree with you. It's better to resolve this now before you 100% commit yourself to her and the marriage. In all marriages, there will be issues and crossroads to go through, so you might as well begin resolving things now. The good times are easy, it's the tough times that show what the marriage's TRUE color. So good luck and keep us posted. I hope you and your fiancee will come to a mutual understanding and agreement. May God bless you both with a wonderful loving marriage counselor who will help both of you succeed in uniting the two of you to become one. God bless.

 

[heartnsoul]

Second marriages are HARD. I'm a stepmother so I can tell you, your wife will go through HELL in that marriage. Things you never expect to occur will come between you two. Things that seem so simple will cause the most horrible arguments. You have to be prepared for that. I love my husband dearly and I can't say I wouldn't marry him again, but I can say I'd not have any preconceived notions going in. I would also advise any woman NOT to marry a man with children. It's just way too hard. I hope the pastor wont judge you solely on your divorce, but he's being realistic in heavily weighing whether to marry you two when odds are against the marriage working. It's a shame, really it is, but it's a fact of life. Marriage is HARD, but when you add kids and an ex, it's just harder. I'm expected to love my stepdaughter like she's my own, but she is NOT expected to love me like I'm her mother because she already has one. It's HARD to love kids who you have no 'control' over. It's hard to invest your heart in a child who will reject you over and over again. Keep talking with the pastor. Hopefully he will go throuh the counseling with you two BEFORE he decides whether he will marry you or not.

I agree that a "blended" family can be very challenging and can be very painful as well. I am from a divorced family and I've been on the "other end of the stick" as far as having a stepmother. My childhood was also "hell" living with my stepmother. Any time there are children involved, it is considered extra "baggage." With this said, however, I know that if God is the center of both spouse's lives, the family could be a "win-win" situation. In my upbringing, my dad was not a Christian (and is STILL not a Christian). My dad doesn't believe in anything. So when my stepmother entered the picture, we were told to call her Mom. My father went to Taiwan, married her (after only writing letters to her for six months), brought her back here and told us kids to call her "mom." So, yes, you can imagine the painful experiences I had as a child growing up with a stepmother.

The good news is...is that if you can find a marriage counselor that will discuss all the possible angles (pros, cons, challenges, realistic expectations), then you will have a good, stable, starting point. Maybe bring the kids in for some of your marriage sessions too. If everyone can come up with some family "rules" of respect and healthy boundaries, then I think a blended family could work. It will require enormous investment of emotional energy and time, but it could be well worth it in the long run. Again, God must be FIRST in the hearts of everyone in both of your families. With God on your side, you can't go wrong. So tread slowly, go into this blended family with open eyes, ears, and most importantly--an open heart to God. May God's spirit and love help guide you two. God bless!

 

[bliz]

Maybe also find some time to sit down with your fiancee and explain to her your feelings about her pastor. Hopefully both of you will be open-minded enough to seek another pastor for counseling. I know you must feel like you're at a crossroad and may be afraid your fiancee may disagree with you. It's better to resolve this now before you 100% commit yourself to her and the marriage. In all marriages, there will be issues and crossroads to go through, so you might as well begin resolving things now. The good times are easy, it's the tough times that show what the marriage's TRUE color. So good luck and keep us posted. I hope you and your fiancee will come to a mutual understanding and agreement. May God bless you both with a wonderful loving marriage counselor who will help both of you succeed in uniting the two of you to become one. God bless.

Yes, yes, yes!

You cannot remain silent and tough it out with this pastor to avoid upsetting your fiancee. This pastor cannot in good conscious do the pre-marital counseling and he should not be performing the wedding ceremony. He needs to be unreservedly in favor of this union, and clearly he is not.

If your finacee, after some initial disapointment, does not see the ned to find a new pastor, and church, if need be, that's a sad sign that she cares more about the wedding than the groom. If that wuld be the case, you need to know it sooner rather than later!