Help this meddling mom :)

[MAshley44]

My daughter is 17, and we have allowed her to start dating, provided the young man she chooses meets our standards- namely possessing a growing relationship with Jesus and tremendous respect for our daughter in every sense. She dated a boy for about one month, and he began sexting her and we were all pretty shocked. So that quickly ended, then this year we have had similar experiences with 2 other boys who just casually texted her and it turned racy very quickly- at our private Christian school. What an epidemic! About 10 months later there is a young man very invested in her that meets all our criteria but she's decided she no longer is interested. This boy has been very attentive, supportive and her reactions to him have been very authentic and open and trusting, which was such a relief to finally observe. I believe her feelings changed because a key friend doesn't like him (or perhaps feels jealous?), but we have carefully watched his texts and actions and feel he is pretty rare compared to all the other boys who show interest in her and he gets along with our family. So, problem is now we're attached and he's attached and she is putting distance and acting rude to him. I know I can't force her to see his good qualities, but it's just hard to watch your kids throw away good things. I've overstepped by emailing back and forth a few times with this boy the past few months after he spent time with our family. Now I feel like I encouraged him, not knowing she would take this turn. Any advice?

 

[Humble me Lord]

Move to Tahiti.

 

[Humble me Lord]

Seriously, we are on our third girl, and last one who is 17 now. They are all so different in so many ways.
Do you think she is pushing him away because she knows you approve of him?
The peer pressures also may have a lot to do with it.

 

[mina]

At 17, encourage her to be single for now. She doesn't have to date anyone. Encourage her to develop her own interests and education and faith and to not settle for anyone less than amazing. Stop trying to push a romantic relationship on her with someone that she doesn't want to date. She shouldn't have to date someone just because you are trying to guilt her into it because you like the guy. Step back and don't mention this guy at all to her anymore. Reiterate the qualities she needs to look for in a guy, but let her decide if she wants to date this guy or not and then respect that.

If you are convinced this is the guy for her: 1. keep your mouth shut, 2. pray and talk to God about it, 3. step back and trust Him to either bring it about in His own time or bring someone else better suited for her in her life at the right time.

 

[faroukfarouk]

My daughter is 17, and we have allowed her to start dating, provided the young man she chooses meets our standards- namely possessing a growing relationship with Jesus and tremendous respect for our daughter in every sense. She dated a boy for about one month, and he began sexting her and we were all pretty shocked. So that quickly ended, then this year we have had similar experiences with 2 other boys who just casually texted her and it turned racy very quickly- at our private Christian school. What an epidemic! About 10 months later there is a young man very invested in her that meets all our criteria but she's decided she no longer is interested. This boy has been very attentive, supportive and her reactions to him have been very authentic and open and trusting, which was such a relief to finally observe. I believe her feelings changed because a key friend doesn't like him (or perhaps feels jealous?), but we have carefully watched his texts and actions and feel he is pretty rare compared to all the other boys who show interest in her and he gets along with our family. So, problem is now we're attached and he's attached and she is putting distance and acting rude to him. I know I can't force her to see his good qualities, but it's just hard to watch your kids throw away good things. I've overstepped by emailing back and forth a few times with this boy the past few months after he spent time with our family. Now I feel like I encouraged him, not knowing she would take this turn. Any advice?

Hi there! She is young to marry; and the idea of arranged marriages can bring problems.

If she by God's grace develops convictions about Biblical local church activities - Acts 2.42 - and a prayer and Bible reading habit, these in the long run would make a far better foundation for planning her life - married or not - rather than the idea of now, at 17, being pressed to become friendly with someone she seemingly doesn't particularly want to be friendly with.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Seriously, we are on our third girl, and last one who is 17 now. They are all so different in so many ways.
Do you think she is pushing him away because she knows you approve of him?
The peer pressures also may have a lot to do with it.

Seriously, the tattoo litmus test at around 18 can speak volumes about a young man or woman's state of mind. (Just a plain fact that a lot of young people get ink at 18.)

If a likely tattoo at 18 will probably read "John 3.16", or be a cross or a Christian fish sign <><, this is one state of affairs probably indicative of the young person's aspirations.

But if a likely tattoo at 18 will probably read "I love DJ/Jaycee" (etc.), then by 20 or 21 the young person will likely need a tattoo removal service.

That being said, there are other priorities in life at 18 than getting permanently fixed with a partner in life/supposedly for life. It works for some ppl. For many it doesn't; a mature young adult capable of making marital choices might not have emerged until a few years after 18.

 

[R. Hartono]

It isnt necessary to date at 17, better learn how to make money, dating cannot feed her other than a baby.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Seriously, we are on our third girl, and last one who is 17 now. They are all so different in so many ways.

I guess the age when they start(ed) to date differs/differed, right?

 

[Dave-W]

You said her previous bfs started sexting her. That can be rather thrilling for an adolescent who is curious as anything about sex.

The fact the current guy is NOT doing that may strike her as boring.

 

[JAM2b]

At 17, you don't need to be that involved in who she spends time with. You can set rules and boundaries on behaviors, but let her choose her social circle as long as no one is being hurt or doing anything illegal.

At this age, your kids are already who they are going to be. They will (hopefully) increase in maturity, understanding, and wisdom. But the core of who they are and who they relate to and how they relate to others is already set.

Keep her safe as best as you can, give a safe place to retreat to, but that's it. The tighter your control at this point, the greater risk of doing harm rather than good.

 

[*LILAC]

My daughter is 17 and has absolutely no interest in dating just yet. I tell her she can't date until she's 25 anyway. LOL Joking, of course. I just don't understand the seeming rush for kids to date. Back off and let her figure it out.

 

[PloverWing]

At age 17, children are very nearly adults. By this time next year, your daughter will probably be living on her own, away at college or else working and living in her own apartment. So I think of late adolescence as apprentice adulthood, a time for teens to start making their own choices, but with mom and dad nearby for when they have questions or get into trouble.

With this in mind, I'd recommend taking a step back. Don't read her texts unless you think she's seriously in trouble -- being threatened, for example. As far as possible, let her choose her dating partners. She'll date some people that you wouldn't choose, and she'll break up with some people that you think are perfect, and she'll learn from those mistakes. Be there to listen to her, to reassure her of her worth, to let her cry on your shoulder if needed, to give advice if she asks.

My daughters broke up with a couple of really good guys along the way, and it was hard to watch, so I understand that aspect of it. Ultimately, though, it was their choice to make. In the end, they're the ones who are going to decide whom and whether to marry.