Help Pleeease!!!

[InHisGrace777]

I've been a Christian for about four years now. When I was first saved I was a totally new woman. All my bad feelings were gone. I felt no need to be validated by any other than God and He became my entire life. However, it wasn't too long before I could no longer 'feel' God's closeness anymore and now I feel like He's pushing me away from Him. I've done everything I possibly can to get close to Him again...including just ask Him for help...and I can't seem to have a breakthrough. He feels so far and I am desperately lonely and empty.

I'm trying to be satisfied and validated by Jesus alone, but He's so distant. Now I find that all my old impulses are coming back and they are very strong. I just want a way out...to forget about how I feel right now...but I can't do that. I feel so desperate and frustrated. I don't know how I can possibly keep keeping on like this. I'm so tired. God has been trying to work with me on cultivating true intimacy in my marriage (perhaps I wouldn't feel so lonely) but then I get tremendously angry and give up. I don't want to feel romantic love for my husband. I can't stand the thought of being vulnerable to him. I'd rather just be committed and love sacrificially as an act of the will instead of a feeling. Even if I try, I just get so consumed with anger and fear that I pick a fight with him and run away from intimacy. Then I feel the same old emptiness and incredible loneliness. I'd rather hook up with someone else so I won't have to be vulnerable but still feel validated and wanted for a while, but I can't do that and sin against God. It's bad enough I have to constantly ask forgiveness for the persistent lusts and desires of my flesh...and they keep getting worse and more frequent.

I'm having a rough time at church b/c of my fear of intimacy. I'm afraid to even be around a lot of people and I can't carry a conversation with anyone. I'm sure they all think I'm a complete nut by now. I'm also afraid of reaching out to the wrong person. I know very well right now that I am a threat to myself and others spiritually. My thoughts are all out of control, and I can't even seem to distinguish between reality and my own false perceptions of people and what they're thinking and feeling about me. This leaves me paranoid and wanting to just avoid church altogether, but at the same time I need them. They're the only friends and family I have.

What am I to do??

 

[angiekay0027]

Whatever you do, do not stop going to church. That is what the devil wants.

Footprints
Also Known As "I Had a Dream"​

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.​

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."​

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."​

Margaret Fishback Powers, 1964


He is there with you. He loves you a lot.
​

 

[Jesus4Me24]

I have no advice right now, but I am curious to see what others say right now. b/c darling I'm going thru the exact same thing right now. Everything you just said I feel like you were writing about me! I will be praying for you and myself as well. We'll get thru this. Just think postive thoughts, that seems to help me and maybe that will help you as well. When you say God feels like a million miles away just keep telling yourself over and over that God doesn't want separation from us. That helps me sometimes. Are you on any meds right now for you BPD? I'm tryin to get back into them. Maybe that will help you control your BPD. That is what I'm hoping it'll do for me.
GOD BLESS YOU!

 

[madison1101]

I remember feeling as you do, and wondering if I had any hope of ever getting well, and trusting anyone. Trust is such a difficult thing for me. I am much better than I was, and I am here to share how I got better.

I was extremely disappointed when I realized that my salvation/born again experience did not automatically cause me to transform from the abused, acting out teenager to the mature Christian woman I wanted to be. I questioned my salvation because of it.

First, I have been in therapy for 19 years, with the same psychologist. I am also on medications, which help me stablize my moods. These are the basic ground level things that I must do to take care of myself.

Now, for church. When I began my spiritual journey, I prayed for God to put a woman in my life to disciple/mentor me. It took me years, but I found a woman who is Godly, mature in Christ, and possesses unconditional love and grace for everyone. I have been able to share everything with her, and she has guided me in developing my relationship with Christ to the point of trusting Him for my life, and my recovery.

My suggestion is to pray, and seek the Lord to guide you to a relationship with someone who can help you learn to trust Him and people.

Some books that have helped me include anything by Beth Moore.

Good Luck.
Trish

 

[The4Rs]

I am sorry I don't have any advice for you. That would be because I am in the EXACT same position you are right now this very minute! I am afraid to return to my church b/c of my behavior and the fact that they don't want me there. I feel like I have poisoned every relationship. I also avoid the relationships I do have because they require "emotion/feelings" that I am too tired to give. I will pray for you and I hope that you know that God is not far from you. I imagine he is waiting for us to realize that "we need him and can not do this without him". Maybe he is waiting for us to stop trying to do this in our own strength and to trust him to get us through it.

So, hang in there! You are certianly not alone and if I discover anything new I will share it with you!

Much love and prayers!