-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
-
CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
Help please.
- Thread starter Redstiletto
- Start date
TexasSky
Senior Veteran
My gut instinct when I read this was that it contradicted itself. I've never met a "shy" cheerleader, much less a shy "captin of the cheerleading squad." That type of thing could throw your readers off.
Valedictorian
She sounds very "impossible". Valedictorian, honors classes, cheerleading, athletics, a job, "after school activities", a band, making her own clothing.....
Your readers will not be able to "relate" to her, and instead may resent her. The best characters have "flaws" that help readers relate to them. For instance - Harry Potter is an orphan, has that ugly scar, and grew up with annoying magical things happening to him. Pollyanna was poor, orphaned, and so cheerful it annoyed people.
Even her flaws are really "positives."
I don't think anyone will believe her. She needs something that makes people sympathize with her.
And her dream would be a "done deal" if she has a 4.0 in Honors, and is successful in all of her endeavors.
Tone her down a little. Make her a little less perfect.
Give your readers a reason to care about her.
Upvote
0
Alright she does have a huge flaw that I didnt put in her bio, but I think it is important for you to know, in order to understand her.
She has a heart condition, which actually effects her heart and lungs if she does not take a certain medication two times a day. This has effected her before, and she actually had some amnesia problems when she was about 12.
This will also effect her through out the story.
She has a heart condition, which actually effects her heart and lungs if she does not take a certain medication two times a day. This has effected her before, and she actually had some amnesia problems when she was about 12.
This will also effect her through out the story.
Upvote
0
"He's gone." Hobie whispered, his voice cracking as he spoke the words that changed my life forever. He was holding my hands in his as tears started to well up in his eyes.
I pulled away from him in disbelief, my body going numb as I tried to absorb what he had just said. I turned away as the tears started to fall down my cheeks, slowly my feet moved me farther away from him, and before I knew it I was running down the white sterile hallway of the hospital's emergency department, everything going by in slow motion.
I barely noticed Carl trying to stop me, as I ran past him and out the double doors leading to the parking lot. The crisp fall air stung my moist cheeks as my tears continued down my face. Emptiness was quickly filling me, and as I walked through the parking lot with no real direction in my mind, it began to numb my mind and thoughts.
Everything was going in slow motion, the cars passing by with their headlights on, people leaving the local bars, out laughing and walking down the sidewalks of the city streets. It was all in slow motion, everything but the emptiness and tears running down my cheeks.
I must have walked and cried for hours that night , I now understood why swans died shortly after their mates die, the pain was so unbearable. By the time I reached my house, the sun was up, cars were lining both sides of the street and all the way up both my driveway and Matt and Erik's.
The thought of his name made me want to just melt into the dying grass of my front yard and just disappear into the loneliness that I felt.
"Arica!" a voice called out my name, but in the haze of my emptiness I couldn't recognize it, nor did I care to try. My knees finally began to give in, as I crumpled to the ground. I felt two arms reach out for me, and kept me from fully hitting the ground.
I was lifted into someone's arms and before I knew it, someone was laying me in my bed while another hand was brushing the hair from my face. I felt a sharp poke in my left arm, and a warm solution was injected into me. The numbness that had taken over made it so I didn't even feel anything or anyone. At the time I didn't think much about it, but later I realized that I had been injected with an emergency dose of my medication.
The haze grew darker, I could hear murmuring voices over my thoughts, and I watched everything I could, everything was still moving in slow motion though.
After just laying there, staring at the wall in a daze for a long while, I let the darkness take over, and I slipped into unconsciousness.
"Is she still out?" a voice asked quietly, barely above a whisper.
"Yeah." Another voice answered. Then one of them yawned loudly.
"You should go get some sleep, its been a rough day for all of us." the first voice suggested, I heard shuffling of feet on the hard wood floors.
"No, I'm fine, I want to stay until she wakes up, if that's ok." the second voice responded.
"Stay as long as you would like." The first voice said, before more feet shuffling and then the door closing.
I laid there, my eyes still pressed shut. The dried tears on my face felt tight. I searched my mind for the events that had happened before I had gone to sleep, and when my mind fell back to the emptiness, my heart sunk with sadness and the tears slowly began to resurface in my eyes.
"He's gone." Hobie's voice echoed in my mind. My stomach lurched, making me feel like I had to throw up, angered by my sadness, I continued to lay there, choking down all the feelings that were pounding at my heart and mind.
"Arica?" a now familiar voice called out. I felt a warm hand on my right one through the numbness, it sent a small amount of warmth through me, that was soon desolved by the emptiness.
I opened my eyes, letting the tears fall freely down the sides of my face to get lost in the pile of hair on my pillow. I turned my head to see Carl sitting there, his hands on mine. My eyes didnt even give me time to focus on him before the haze returned, blinding me, and leaving me feeling more alone and empty as ever.
And so there I laid, a prisoner to the loneliness and emptiness that death brings. People came and went, hours passed, the sun rose and then fell again. I didn't move, the haze just took over, creating a numb shield all over my body. I got up only to use the restroom and to swallow my medication.
When the sun came up again, I forced myself out of bed, avoiding looking out my window, and I walked to the bathroom, showering and then getting redressed. I even summoned up the courage to walk down to the kitchen to take my medication on my own.
When I reached the kitchen, my mom was sitting there, drinking coffee. She looked like she hadn't slept in days, and as she looked up at me, the circles under her eyes only grew larger.
"Hello." she tried to smile. "How are you feeling?"
I shrugged, not ready to talk to anyone yet. The emptiness still weighing on my heart. I opned the drawer where my medication was kept, took out one pill and put the medication bottle back. I opened the fridge and took out a water bottle, slowly unscrewing the cap. Then I took a swig of water and put the pill in my mouth and swallowed. Taking a seat at the counter with my mom.
"There's a memorial tonight at the school." my mom started. Before she could even finish, the tears returned, pouring down my face.
I pulled away from him in disbelief, my body going numb as I tried to absorb what he had just said. I turned away as the tears started to fall down my cheeks, slowly my feet moved me farther away from him, and before I knew it I was running down the white sterile hallway of the hospital's emergency department, everything going by in slow motion.
I barely noticed Carl trying to stop me, as I ran past him and out the double doors leading to the parking lot. The crisp fall air stung my moist cheeks as my tears continued down my face. Emptiness was quickly filling me, and as I walked through the parking lot with no real direction in my mind, it began to numb my mind and thoughts.
Everything was going in slow motion, the cars passing by with their headlights on, people leaving the local bars, out laughing and walking down the sidewalks of the city streets. It was all in slow motion, everything but the emptiness and tears running down my cheeks.
I must have walked and cried for hours that night , I now understood why swans died shortly after their mates die, the pain was so unbearable. By the time I reached my house, the sun was up, cars were lining both sides of the street and all the way up both my driveway and Matt and Erik's.
The thought of his name made me want to just melt into the dying grass of my front yard and just disappear into the loneliness that I felt.
"Arica!" a voice called out my name, but in the haze of my emptiness I couldn't recognize it, nor did I care to try. My knees finally began to give in, as I crumpled to the ground. I felt two arms reach out for me, and kept me from fully hitting the ground.
I was lifted into someone's arms and before I knew it, someone was laying me in my bed while another hand was brushing the hair from my face. I felt a sharp poke in my left arm, and a warm solution was injected into me. The numbness that had taken over made it so I didn't even feel anything or anyone. At the time I didn't think much about it, but later I realized that I had been injected with an emergency dose of my medication.
The haze grew darker, I could hear murmuring voices over my thoughts, and I watched everything I could, everything was still moving in slow motion though.
After just laying there, staring at the wall in a daze for a long while, I let the darkness take over, and I slipped into unconsciousness.
"Is she still out?" a voice asked quietly, barely above a whisper.
"Yeah." Another voice answered. Then one of them yawned loudly.
"You should go get some sleep, its been a rough day for all of us." the first voice suggested, I heard shuffling of feet on the hard wood floors.
"No, I'm fine, I want to stay until she wakes up, if that's ok." the second voice responded.
"Stay as long as you would like." The first voice said, before more feet shuffling and then the door closing.
I laid there, my eyes still pressed shut. The dried tears on my face felt tight. I searched my mind for the events that had happened before I had gone to sleep, and when my mind fell back to the emptiness, my heart sunk with sadness and the tears slowly began to resurface in my eyes.
"He's gone." Hobie's voice echoed in my mind. My stomach lurched, making me feel like I had to throw up, angered by my sadness, I continued to lay there, choking down all the feelings that were pounding at my heart and mind.
"Arica?" a now familiar voice called out. I felt a warm hand on my right one through the numbness, it sent a small amount of warmth through me, that was soon desolved by the emptiness.
I opened my eyes, letting the tears fall freely down the sides of my face to get lost in the pile of hair on my pillow. I turned my head to see Carl sitting there, his hands on mine. My eyes didnt even give me time to focus on him before the haze returned, blinding me, and leaving me feeling more alone and empty as ever.
And so there I laid, a prisoner to the loneliness and emptiness that death brings. People came and went, hours passed, the sun rose and then fell again. I didn't move, the haze just took over, creating a numb shield all over my body. I got up only to use the restroom and to swallow my medication.
When the sun came up again, I forced myself out of bed, avoiding looking out my window, and I walked to the bathroom, showering and then getting redressed. I even summoned up the courage to walk down to the kitchen to take my medication on my own.
When I reached the kitchen, my mom was sitting there, drinking coffee. She looked like she hadn't slept in days, and as she looked up at me, the circles under her eyes only grew larger.
"Hello." she tried to smile. "How are you feeling?"
I shrugged, not ready to talk to anyone yet. The emptiness still weighing on my heart. I opned the drawer where my medication was kept, took out one pill and put the medication bottle back. I opened the fridge and took out a water bottle, slowly unscrewing the cap. Then I took a swig of water and put the pill in my mouth and swallowed. Taking a seat at the counter with my mom.
"There's a memorial tonight at the school." my mom started. Before she could even finish, the tears returned, pouring down my face.
Upvote
0
Lessien
It's what I do that defines me
- Nov 14, 2004
- 14,694
- 233
- 36
- Faith
- Pentecostal
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Others
It's good, I liked it. 
Just some problems I saw:
Cut out excess words. For example, instead of "Emptiness was quickly filling me" try "Emptiness filled me" or "Emptiness consumed me" or something to that effect.
Most of us have taken Tylenol before, so all the description of how she swallows her pills is kind of unneccissary. Maybe try something like "I got out my bottle of medication, swallowed a pill, then joined my mother at the counter."
Just some problems I saw: Cut out excess words. For example, instead of "Emptiness was quickly filling me" try "Emptiness filled me" or "Emptiness consumed me" or something to that effect.
Most of us have taken Tylenol before, so all the description of how she swallows her pills is kind of unneccissary. Maybe try something like "I got out my bottle of medication, swallowed a pill, then joined my mother at the counter."
Upvote
0
There is a reason later in the story of why I describe it like that.
Thanks for the help!!!
Thanks for the help!!!
Upvote
0
Paladin Dave
The Beauty's Beast
- Aug 30, 2004
- 24,179
- 494
- 37
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
Wow... that last one was pretty heavy. VERY powerful, even though I had no idea who had died. Nice job!
Upvote
0
Paladin Dave
The Beauty's Beast
- Aug 30, 2004
- 24,179
- 494
- 37
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
I know. I was just saying that it was really good, despite that.
Say, could you take a peek at something I've been working on in the Creative Writing area? Its... not very creatively named, so you should have an easy time finding it... Just if you have time, though. I just wanted to know what YOU thought.
Say, could you take a peek at something I've been working on in the Creative Writing area? Its... not very creatively named, so you should have an easy time finding it...
Just if you have time, though. I just wanted to know what YOU thought.
Upvote
0
Paladin Dave
The Beauty's Beast
- Aug 30, 2004
- 24,179
- 494
- 37
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
Upvote
0
Paladin Dave
The Beauty's Beast
- Aug 30, 2004
- 24,179
- 494
- 37
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
Upvote
0
Similar threads
