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Help please.
- Thread starter Redstiletto
- Start date
Yes, and I really thought about what you had to say.
Once I get the part rewritten that I want to write then I will post it up here, kind of a sneak peek of what the story is... kind of.
Plus it will give you the insight on the other characters, well some of them.
I think I will post up the beginning of book one.
We will see how it goes. Remember I am not that great of a writer though.
Once I get the part rewritten that I want to write then I will post it up here, kind of a sneak peek of what the story is... kind of.
Plus it will give you the insight on the other characters, well some of them.
I think I will post up the beginning of book one.
We will see how it goes. Remember I am not that great of a writer though.
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Tariel
Reader-Writer-Editor
I live in a community where writers are the dominant species, and I've learned that no writer thinks that their work is good enough. Well, none of the very competent and quite good writers that I've been living with, anyway. A good writer always strives to do betterYes, and I really thought about what you had to say.
Once I get the part rewritten that I want to write then I will post it up here, kind of a sneak peek of what the story is... kind of.
Plus it will give you the insight on the other characters, well some of them.
I think I will post up the beginning of book one.
We will see how it goes. Remember I am not that great of a writer though.
Anyway, getting a good picture of the character will help a LOT. I told you what I did based on what I saw. I have been known to be more honest than some people appreciate, so I was slightly afraid that you were mad at me
Just remember this: it's YOUR story. Advice is all well and good, but never let ANYBODY'S opinion change the story. Actually, there's one exception: the editor
If somebody makes a suggestion that you don't agree with, don't feel you have to change it. I would suggest that you think about it, but remember who's writing this story!!!
Just a few thoughts
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Thanks!
And no I wasnt mad. I asked for critism to help me along, I did not take any as negative.
And thanks Lessien, but there are far greater writers than me on the RPGs and I know I will just crushed if this book (or series) doesnt get published.
And no I wasnt mad. I asked for critism to help me along, I did not take any as negative.
And thanks Lessien, but there are far greater writers than me on the RPGs and I know I will just crushed if this book (or series) doesnt get published.
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Paladin Dave
The Beauty's Beast
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Hush. You're an awesome writer. If Snakes on a Plane, Napolean Dynamite, Nacho Libre, Ace Ventura, and all those other lousy movies actually got funding, then YOU can get published.
If Snakes on a Plane, Napolean Dynamite, Nacho Libre, Ace Ventura, and all those other lousy movies actually got funding, then YOU can get published.
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Paladin Dave
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I'm serious! Oh, BTW, little tip I heard: When you DO go to a publisher, don't worry if they tear your whole manuscript to pieces and send it back to you. Its their job to make you go through and fix EVERYTHING about it, and even guys like Lewis had to redo their books, multiple times, before they could get published.
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Lessien
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Well, it's a start....
Actually, I'm of the opinion that the longer you spend on something before it's published, the better it will be. I mean, just look at Paolini--he got published within two or three (maybe four) years of his completing his first installment of the Inheritance trilogy, and they are poorly written stories with cliched plot lines. Letting it mature is smart.
Actually, I'm of the opinion that the longer you spend on something before it's published, the better it will be.
I mean, just look at Paolini--he got published within two or three (maybe four) years of his completing his first installment of the Inheritance trilogy, and they are poorly written stories with cliched plot lines. Letting it mature is smart.
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Tariel
Reader-Writer-Editor
Don't take this the wrong way, but that's a recipe for getting crushed. I'm NOT saying that I don't think it's good enough to get published (quite the contrary) the thing is, publishing is not just a matter of whoever writes good gets published and whoever writes bad doesn't. It's a LOT more complicated than that.
Now being willing to accept criticism is one of the BEST skills you can have as a writer (It's right up there with having a talent for writing), so you're in good shape there. But understand that if publishers reject your book, it's probably nothing against you. Publishers just have this thing about wanting to go with the sure money-makers before trying a brand new author.
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Alright, I have not abandoned this!
I swear I am working on the intro to the story for you all to read.
I swear!
Ok.. well I dont swear... I feel it makes you sound ignorant... but you know what I mean... I am not cusing... I am more like crossing my heart.
I swear I am working on the intro to the story for you all to read.
I swear!
Ok.. well I dont swear... I feel it makes you sound ignorant... but you know what I mean... I am not cusing... I am more like crossing my heart.
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It's not that great because I just typed it up at work... but here it is.....
“Arica Austin, you have a visitor. Arica Austin, visitor window 23.” A woman’s voice crackled over the old worn sound system.
Arica Austin, that’s me. And you’re probably now wondering why I am being summoned for a visitor over a crackly old sound system. I am currently in a women’s jail, for reasons I will get to later. But right now all you need to know is how I got here. So before I go see who is here to visit me, I will tell you.
It all started when Douglas came into our lives. It was a hot day in the beginning of August. The summer days were quickly coming to an end and my friends and I were trying to make yet another attempt at our rock band becoming famous. It was really all my older brother, Nick’s idea, but when he gets going on something, you really can’t tell him no.
“AJ, are you even paying attention?” Nick scowled me. I missed my cue again. “What are you daydreaming about?”
If only he knew the object of my daydreams was standing two feet away from him.
“Arica, are you ok?” my best friend, Erik, asked as he tapped me with his bass guitar tip, I turned to look at him, ignoring my brother and avoiding looking at the object of whom I had found myself once again daydreaming about.
“I am fine,” I smiled. “Just getting tired.” I admitted, we had been practicing for about 7 hours, straight. The smell of cold pizza and cola was very prominent in the garage at that moment.
“Yeah, maybe we should call it a night,” Jesse piped in from the drum set behind me. Jesse and his fraternal twin, Carl, was my younger brother, Hobie’s best friends. The three of them were pretty much inseparable well, unless Jesse was with his new girlfriend, Becca.
“Someone has a hot date.” There it was, the mesmerizing voice from his magnificently perfect lips had been spoken. I turned to look at him, and there he stood, as if he was the only one in the room. Matt, my best friend’s older brother, which made him completely off limits to me.
“So?” Jesse argued back. “I can’t help it I am the hot one.” He smirked. Jesse wasn’t bad looking, his short dark hair and bright blue eyes didn’t hurt him. His twin was almost the exact opposite, but cute in his own way. Carl had shaggy curly red hair and big green eyes. Most people don’t even know they are related. They are both well built though, all the guys in my little group worked out together three to four times a week at the local gym, making them the hot guys in school. Your probably wondering how I fell into this group, me being the only girl.
Well, we have been together almost since birth! My mom is friends with both Erik and Matt’s parents and Carl and Jesse’s Dad. So we have been friends since diapers. Well the boys all discussed their plans for the night, Erik was going out with some girl from school; that was known for being easy, Nick and Matt were going out to a local bowling alley to scope for girls, and Jesse had a date with Becca, leaving Carl, Hobie and myself to fend for ourselves.
Hobie and Carl decided to hang out at our house and play video games, and I decided that I could use some much needed study time. Yes it was summer, but I had taken a few extra courses to help get me college credits early.
So everyone went their own way, I made my way up to my cozy room, changed into my pajama pants and a t-shirt and sat down on my bed with my laptop and started typing up a book report on the latest book I had finished.
Who knows how long I was there, but soon I heard a car in either my driveway or Erik’s, we are neighbors after all. So I waited to find out who it was.
Soon Erik’s room light flickered to life and without even looking I could tell he had brought the girl home with him. I could hear her giggling and their lips locking.
“Get a room!” I turned and threw a pillow at them. Our houses only being a few feet a part, and our windows exactly next to one another, made this an easy shot. I pegged the girl in the head, which made me and Erik laugh, and made her quite upset.
“We are in a room!” Erik called back, still laughing.
“Can’t you close your window or something?” she asked him, in a rather rude attitude.
“It’s hot out! Do you want to suffocate?” he asked her, still smiling.
“Well can you get rid of her?” she asked pointing to me with one hand while the other hand rested on her hip.
“I can try.” Erik turned to look at me. “AJ can you go away?” he asked trying to keep a straight face.
“Nope, studying. Sorry.” I held up my laptop to prove I was studying.
“Aren’t you done with those yet?” he asked, referring to my book reports.
“Nope, almost done with this one though.” I answered, yawning. “What time is it?”
“Time for me to go home.” The girl stated, even more upset. Which made me chuckle slightly.
“Bye.” I called to her as I turned back to my laptop and continued to type. I heard Erik run after her and outside to the driveway where for the next twenty minutes they sat and argued. Finally she left, and soon, I heard footsteps up the stairs in my house, and my bedroom door flew open.
“What was that all about Arica?” Erik asked me, standing in my doorway.
“Do you really think I like hearing you two make out? Besides, I did you some good, you know your mom would be upset if she found out you were dating her.” I stated, moving over and making him some room on my bed.
Erik sat down next to me. “I know, but just once AJ.”
“Just not once until your married, Erik.” I stated, sticking my tongue out at him.
“Who needs a chastity belt when you’re around?” He teased. Another car pulled into a driveway, soon I heard the car doors close and my mom’s voice talking to some man. I looked over at Erik, who was looking at me curiously.
In unison, we both got up and practically tripped over each other as we ran down the stairs to the living room, throwing ourselves onto the couch behind Hobie and Carl who were still playing video games.
“Mom brought home another guy?” Hobie asked, looking up at us. We tended to do this whenever mom dated. Just to check out the guy.
“Yep.” Erik answered our eyes were all glued to the door. Soon mom walked in, and this man in a three piece suit followed. He looked like a car sales man, but his face was oddly familiar looking.
“Oh, hi kids.” My mom greeted, then blushed looking from us to the man.
“I want you all to meet Douglas Meane.” She started to introduce. “Douglas that is my Daughter, Arica, and my son, Hobie, and their good friends, Erik and Carl.”
He didn’t say anything; he just kind of eyed us all up, making me feel really creeped out. Especially when his eyes fell and stayed on me.
“Arica Austin, you have a visitor. Arica Austin, visitor window 23.” A woman’s voice crackled over the old worn sound system.
Arica Austin, that’s me. And you’re probably now wondering why I am being summoned for a visitor over a crackly old sound system. I am currently in a women’s jail, for reasons I will get to later. But right now all you need to know is how I got here. So before I go see who is here to visit me, I will tell you.
It all started when Douglas came into our lives. It was a hot day in the beginning of August. The summer days were quickly coming to an end and my friends and I were trying to make yet another attempt at our rock band becoming famous. It was really all my older brother, Nick’s idea, but when he gets going on something, you really can’t tell him no.
“AJ, are you even paying attention?” Nick scowled me. I missed my cue again. “What are you daydreaming about?”
If only he knew the object of my daydreams was standing two feet away from him.
“Arica, are you ok?” my best friend, Erik, asked as he tapped me with his bass guitar tip, I turned to look at him, ignoring my brother and avoiding looking at the object of whom I had found myself once again daydreaming about.
“I am fine,” I smiled. “Just getting tired.” I admitted, we had been practicing for about 7 hours, straight. The smell of cold pizza and cola was very prominent in the garage at that moment.
“Yeah, maybe we should call it a night,” Jesse piped in from the drum set behind me. Jesse and his fraternal twin, Carl, was my younger brother, Hobie’s best friends. The three of them were pretty much inseparable well, unless Jesse was with his new girlfriend, Becca.
“Someone has a hot date.” There it was, the mesmerizing voice from his magnificently perfect lips had been spoken. I turned to look at him, and there he stood, as if he was the only one in the room. Matt, my best friend’s older brother, which made him completely off limits to me.
“So?” Jesse argued back. “I can’t help it I am the hot one.” He smirked. Jesse wasn’t bad looking, his short dark hair and bright blue eyes didn’t hurt him. His twin was almost the exact opposite, but cute in his own way. Carl had shaggy curly red hair and big green eyes. Most people don’t even know they are related. They are both well built though, all the guys in my little group worked out together three to four times a week at the local gym, making them the hot guys in school. Your probably wondering how I fell into this group, me being the only girl.
Well, we have been together almost since birth! My mom is friends with both Erik and Matt’s parents and Carl and Jesse’s Dad. So we have been friends since diapers. Well the boys all discussed their plans for the night, Erik was going out with some girl from school; that was known for being easy, Nick and Matt were going out to a local bowling alley to scope for girls, and Jesse had a date with Becca, leaving Carl, Hobie and myself to fend for ourselves.
Hobie and Carl decided to hang out at our house and play video games, and I decided that I could use some much needed study time. Yes it was summer, but I had taken a few extra courses to help get me college credits early.
So everyone went their own way, I made my way up to my cozy room, changed into my pajama pants and a t-shirt and sat down on my bed with my laptop and started typing up a book report on the latest book I had finished.
Who knows how long I was there, but soon I heard a car in either my driveway or Erik’s, we are neighbors after all. So I waited to find out who it was.
Soon Erik’s room light flickered to life and without even looking I could tell he had brought the girl home with him. I could hear her giggling and their lips locking.
“Get a room!” I turned and threw a pillow at them. Our houses only being a few feet a part, and our windows exactly next to one another, made this an easy shot. I pegged the girl in the head, which made me and Erik laugh, and made her quite upset.
“We are in a room!” Erik called back, still laughing.
“Can’t you close your window or something?” she asked him, in a rather rude attitude.
“It’s hot out! Do you want to suffocate?” he asked her, still smiling.
“Well can you get rid of her?” she asked pointing to me with one hand while the other hand rested on her hip.
“I can try.” Erik turned to look at me. “AJ can you go away?” he asked trying to keep a straight face.
“Nope, studying. Sorry.” I held up my laptop to prove I was studying.
“Aren’t you done with those yet?” he asked, referring to my book reports.
“Nope, almost done with this one though.” I answered, yawning. “What time is it?”
“Time for me to go home.” The girl stated, even more upset. Which made me chuckle slightly.
“Bye.” I called to her as I turned back to my laptop and continued to type. I heard Erik run after her and outside to the driveway where for the next twenty minutes they sat and argued. Finally she left, and soon, I heard footsteps up the stairs in my house, and my bedroom door flew open.
“What was that all about Arica?” Erik asked me, standing in my doorway.
“Do you really think I like hearing you two make out? Besides, I did you some good, you know your mom would be upset if she found out you were dating her.” I stated, moving over and making him some room on my bed.
Erik sat down next to me. “I know, but just once AJ.”
“Just not once until your married, Erik.” I stated, sticking my tongue out at him.
“Who needs a chastity belt when you’re around?” He teased. Another car pulled into a driveway, soon I heard the car doors close and my mom’s voice talking to some man. I looked over at Erik, who was looking at me curiously.
In unison, we both got up and practically tripped over each other as we ran down the stairs to the living room, throwing ourselves onto the couch behind Hobie and Carl who were still playing video games.
“Mom brought home another guy?” Hobie asked, looking up at us. We tended to do this whenever mom dated. Just to check out the guy.
“Yep.” Erik answered our eyes were all glued to the door. Soon mom walked in, and this man in a three piece suit followed. He looked like a car sales man, but his face was oddly familiar looking.
“Oh, hi kids.” My mom greeted, then blushed looking from us to the man.
“I want you all to meet Douglas Meane.” She started to introduce. “Douglas that is my Daughter, Arica, and my son, Hobie, and their good friends, Erik and Carl.”
He didn’t say anything; he just kind of eyed us all up, making me feel really creeped out. Especially when his eyes fell and stayed on me.
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Tariel
Reader-Writer-Editor
Well, I don't have time to get into all the specifics now, (I will laster if you don't mind) but what stood out to me the most was the second-person narration in the second paragraph. Now, apart from the fact that I find second-person dreadfully awkward, this would be fine, if you continued throughout the remainder of the tale. But that small bit of second person feels almost painful. And please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds lazy. It would be smoother if you relayed the same information totally in first-person, in my opinion.
Something else that stood out:
"Jesse and his fraternal twin, Carl, was my younger brother, Hobie’s best friends."
This I believe should read, "Jesse and his fraternal twin, Carl, were my younger brothers, Hobie's best friends."
I have a paper to write, but if you don't mind, I could go over the whole thing and tell you what I think when I'm done.
Something else that stood out:
"Jesse and his fraternal twin, Carl, was my younger brother, Hobie’s best friends."
This I believe should read, "Jesse and his fraternal twin, Carl, were my younger brothers, Hobie's best friends."
I have a paper to write, but if you don't mind, I could go over the whole thing and tell you what I think when I'm done.
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Paladin Dave
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The introductions of everyones relations to eachother was a tad confusing, but it was good otherwise! Great job!
Great job!
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I know, I always hate this part of the book, because there are so many characters that you have to know right off the bat for the whole story to work. 
Sorry this was just my rough draft while I am sitting here at work, I think the copy I have at home is written just a little differently.
Sorry this was just my rough draft while I am sitting here at work, I think the copy I have at home is written just a little differently.
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Tariel
Reader-Writer-Editor
'tis fine...you want all my thoughts? I can be a bit heartless when it comes to this sort of thing--I try not to be, but I'm around so many people who don't care that I'm just used to it. So let me knowI know, I always hate this part of the book, because there are so many characters that you have to know right off the bat for the whole story to work.
Sorry this was just my rough draft while I am sitting here at work, I think the copy I have at home is written just a little differently.
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