Help Please! Infidelity

[teardrops]

I hate this to be the first post I post on here.

I will first admit that I am trying to build a relationship with Jesus. I haven't done so in the past, and my past mistakes have shown this to be very true.

I will start off by saying that I am the one who cheated on my husband. My loving husband who is always there for me, whom I can always trust, and who makes me the happiest woman alive. So why did I cheat and why was it more than once with the same man? I was drinking alcohol but that's not an excuse. It was with a co-worker who no longer works at my place of employment (thank goodness).

I struggled and struggled with the thought of even telling my husband about this. I knew he would be torn. I looked up various forums of women cheating on their husbands for support. I prayed that God would be with me, even if I didn't tell him. I told myself that if I told him I would just be doing another selfish act by hurting him. All but one of my friends/family told me I should spare him the hurt by not telling him and I don't have many.

So, last night I drank a few beers (I know, this needs to be addressed as well) and I told him. It was the hardest thing I have done. I have been crying on and off nonstop since. He told me that the site of me repulses him (I completely understand). He hasn't cried in front of me. He did sleep in the same bed as me last night but of course when I tried to hold him like usual he turned his back to me. I have no way of knowing if he's going to leave me. I know, I know he has every right to. I have done a very selfish act multiple times. This is the worst pain I have been through. My heart is broken and I'M THE ONE WHO DONE THIS. I feel inadequate. I am not the best wife either. I don't know how to cook so I don't. He does all the cooking and he even washes most of the clothes, etc. You better believe if I get another chance with this man I will be doing a lot more for him. I have (or had...I don't know) a great man and I blew it. I totally blew it. This hurts so bad! I don't know what to do other than pray. I can't sleep tonight. I woke up at midnight and started crying.

Yes, it would have been easier to just not tell him but I was harboring so much guilt and I felt that he needed to be the deciding factor of whether or not he was going to stay, not me. How do I comfort him from here on out? How can I comfort myself for the sins I have committed? I desperately need help!

 

[teardrops]

anyone?

 

[dgiharris]

You need to tell us more about your husband. Is he Christian? Do you guys have children? How old are you guys?

So you want to know what you can do??? Well you said,

I am not the best wife either. I don't know how to cook so I don't. He does all the cooking and he even washes most of the clothes, etc.

You want to get your husband back???

Get him back with deeds and not words. Sitting around crying and saying you're sorry all day isn't going to do it. You need to earn his love and trust back. You need to court your husband. You need to SHOW him that you love him and that means learning how to be a good wife.

Starting right this second, you need to become Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart rolled into one. You should be cooking him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house, and eating crow in front of him every chance you get. So basically, grab a cookbook (or the internet) and learn how to cook and clean. There really is no excuse. Cooking is as simple as reading a freaking recipe...

I'd also suggest you guys get into couple's counseling immediately...

You need to get to the root cause of exactly why you cheated on him and deal with that reason. And you need to communicate to him the reason why you cheated and why if he takes you back it will not happen again...

Anyways, if you want your husband back, you need to basically court him and become a good wife.

or put another way, why in the hell should your husband stay with you? Serious question? By your own admission you aren't a good wife. So you need to become a good wife.

And if it does not work out and you guys get divorced learn and grow from this...

Lastly, when you apologize, you need to make sure you apologize. None of those apologies that start out like, "Well, I'm sorry for cheating on you but you work all the time and i'm lonely at home and that's why I slept around but i'm sorry..."

You need to just be super apologetic and understanding because he is going to be mad.

Anyways, let us know how it goes and I wish you the best

 

[teardrops]

dgiharris,
Thank you so much for your advice. I am actually cleaning right now. I took a break to check on this forum. I am going to start by giving him all my account passwords, etc. Delete facebook. I am 30 and he is 33. We do not have kids but (we...now I...not sure) wanted kids before this has happened. I know he's hurt. I feel like the scum of the earth. I'm not looking for pity but believe me...I feel horrible. I haven't stopped crying since I told him.
He did tell me that he wasn't leaving but by no means are we okay. His words. I completely understand. I have been praying hard. I've had other Christians praying as well.
He grew up as a Christian and went to church faithfully and had a relationship with God on up to his early 20's. Then, he just sort of fell from that. I sure hope we can get through this and I hope that we can both have a good relationship with God. I pray that we do.
Yes, the anger/hurt/etc is there with him. I am going to try to be the best wife from here forward. I just hope that one day he can get past this.

 

[Chaplain David]

I hate this to be the first post I post on here.

I will first admit that I am trying to build a relationship with Jesus. I haven't done so in the past, and my past mistakes have shown this to be very true.

I will start off by saying that I am the one who cheated on my husband. My loving husband who is always there for me, whom I can always trust, and who makes me the happiest woman alive. So why did I cheat and why was it more than once with the same man? I was drinking alcohol but that's not an excuse. It was with a co-worker who no longer works at my place of employment (thank goodness).

I struggled and struggled with the thought of even telling my husband about this. I knew he would be torn. I looked up various forums of women cheating on their husbands for support. I prayed that God would be with me, even if I didn't tell him. I told myself that if I told him I would just be doing another selfish act by hurting him. All but one of my friends/family told me I should spare him the hurt by not telling him and I don't have many.

So, last night I drank a few beers (I know, this needs to be addressed as well) and I told him. It was the hardest thing I have done. I have been crying on and off nonstop since. He told me that the site of me repulses him (I completely understand). He hasn't cried in front of me. He did sleep in the same bed as me last night but of course when I tried to hold him like usual he turned his back to me. I have no way of knowing if he's going to leave me. I know, I know he has every right to. I have done a very selfish act multiple times. This is the worst pain I have been through. My heart is broken and I'M THE ONE WHO DONE THIS. I feel inadequate. I am not the best wife either. I don't know how to cook so I don't. He does all the cooking and he even washes most of the clothes, etc. You better believe if I get another chance with this man I will be doing a lot more for him. I have (or had...I don't know) a great man and I blew it. I totally blew it. This hurts so bad! I don't know what to do other than pray. I can't sleep tonight. I woke up at midnight and started crying.

Yes, it would have been easier to just not tell him but I was harboring so much guilt and I felt that he needed to be the deciding factor of whether or not he was going to stay, not me. How do I comfort him from here on out? How can I comfort myself for the sins I have committed? I desperately need help!

Hello,

I pray the very best for you and your husband. God bless you and all the best,
CH Sacerdote

 

[dgiharris]

dgiharris,
Thank you so much for your advice. I am actually cleaning right now. I took a break to check on this forum. I am going to start by giving him all my account passwords, etc. Delete facebook. I am 30 and he is 33. We do not have kids but (we...now I...not sure) wanted kids before this has happened. I know he's hurt. I feel like the scum of the earth. I'm not looking for pity but believe me...I feel horrible. I haven't stopped crying since I told him.
He did tell me that he wasn't leaving but by no means are we okay. His words. I completely understand. I have been praying hard. I've had other Christians praying as well.
He grew up as a Christian and went to church faithfully and had a relationship with God on up to his early 20's. Then, he just sort of fell from that. I sure hope we can get through this and I hope that we can both have a good relationship with God. I pray that we do.
Yes, the anger/hurt/etc is there with him. I am going to try to be the best wife from here forward. I just hope that one day he can get past this.

I think that if you are really sincere in all this and this was a life changing moment for you, then this could be a blessing in disguise.

You've learned the value and worth of marriage, seen your faults, and are now dedicated to correcting those shortcomings and being a good wife...

And I don't mean to sound sexist with the cooking and cleaning. For the record, I cook and clean as well and my dad was just as good of a cook as my mom...

In my household, cooking and cleaning is how you show someone you care and love them.

So, beyond the cooking and cleaning, the fact that you are "now" focused on being a good wife should be for the benefit of your marriage.

if you guys can get through this, your marriage will be stronger for it.

I do wish you the best of luck and please let us know how it goes over the coming months.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Perhaps a counselor could help you understand why you did this to begin with-that would be my issue. The root cause has not changed just because you had an attack of guilt. Whatever your husband decides you have forever changed the relationship, so you need to understand why you chose to sabotoge the relationship so that It does not happen again.

 

[tunnelhckrat]

If you have asked Jesus forgiveness then the important part is done. He may or may not forgive you, but it is ultimatly up to him. If he decides not to then knw that I think you did was the right thing in telling him. Many marriages actually get stronger after an affair so this could turn out to be a good thing. Keep hoping and praying.

 

[saved24]

Praying for you. Feel for you.

 

[teardrops]

Thank you all so much for your replies and a special thank you to dgiharris! It was non-judgmental and helped greatly. I honestly feel (in these short days since I confessed to him) that our relationship has grown stronger! I never saw this coming!

I realized how much I love him and don't want to lose him. I feel better that I told him because I couldn't look him in the eyes a lot of times because of that guilt. The reason I had an affair was NOT an excuse. (I had gained weight and felt unattractive. My husband rarely seemed to want to have sex with me and well...someone else gave me too much attention and I..cringe...went with it, so to speak). I started drinking alcohol during and after my affair. I wasn't a great wife even before my affair. I didn't cook because I have a little anxiety when it comes to cooking. I didn't clean clothes much..........he did all that. I work 2 jobs and 6 days a week, so very long hours. He was like the house wife and me....I don't know.

dgiharris...listen to this!

I have asked God to come into my life, have cried to Him, and asked for his forgiveness multiple times. I asked God to take the pain away from my husband and help us grow stronger. I asked Him to guide me in my every move and let me know how to act. I have the strong urge now to cook, clean, wash clothes, and take care of the man I love. I actually felt like a woman for once last night. He went bowling with his friends. I got off work late (but before he came home) and made the time to get all the preparations together. Candle light dinner, rose petals, a card, champagne for him and a non-alcoholic wine for me. He was very surprised because I have never done anything like that. He told me he likes the new me much better than the old me and hopes it continues. I have continued to do and say little things to make him feel special and we have grown in this VERY SHORT time after I confessed to him. We have had sex multiple times after that dinner and multiple times today. I want to provide for my husband now...I want to treat him like the man he SHOULD be treated.

Thank you Jesus! Praise the Lord! I will continue to pray that we continue to strengthen in our marriage and our lives!

Thank you all so much for your prayers!!!

 

[teardrops]

In addition: he has promised me that we are going to start going to church together next Sunday!!!

I am off work tomorrow and am planning a surprise dinner! I am EXTREMELY nervous as my husband is a great cook but I think he just appreciates the efforts!

I am also going to go to the gym to work on my confidence. Now...I'm off to look at some healthy recipes! ))

 

[dgiharris]

teardrops, that is fantastic news!!! I'm very happy for you.

I really do hope for the best for you guys. The only caution I have for you is to not be discouraged if you guys experience a temporary set back in the near future.

There "may" be some residual anger left inside your husband and even you. This anger "may" manifest itself in some passive aggressive way and/or subconsciously facilitate a conflict between you to. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but perhaps in a month or even a year. Basically, I don't want you to be discouraged if everything doesn't magically fix itself instantly.

But it sounds like you guys are going to get through this. Honesty and sincerity works wonders.

And speaking for myself. When a woman completely opens her heart to me and treats me like a king (and rocks my world), I'm completely powerless. Again, hopefully you guys will get through this and be stronger for it.

 

[teardrops]

Thank you so much! We do text each other frequently even while we are both at work. He did text me that it's harder now that he's away at work and I'm at home (I'm off today). I suggested Tango (video calling). He lol'd at me and agreed to download it. I sent him 3 or 4 video messages already. He laughed at them...I can be a bit goofy but I think this is comforting him. I plan to continue to send him messages throughout the day. When I leave home and go to my moms house I will send him one. When I leave my moms to go grocery shopping I will send him another. I am cooking something awesome tonight. Sloppy Joes....I have the recipe from food network and am excited. I never even knew mincing was a word. I am going to mince garlic tonight....oh my! Lol! This should be fun! ))

 

[Chaplain David]

I am very happy that you and your husband are finding a new closeness. Relationships are like gardens. They need to be tended: fed, watered and weeded regularly so that the harvest will be great. It sounds like that is what you are doing praise God!