Help!! Need advise.

[jthree78]

Hello, I am struggling with something that might seem trivial to some. My wife and I are six months pregnant. Her brother's wife is leaving him and has kicked him out, her younger brother was living with him, now they are both living with us. It has been 6 months now, and I have been told the divorce is to be final in 2 months, that puts the time he would be able to move out 1 month before our first child is born. You see we haven't had a chance to "Nest" our house is constantly a mess, and her brothers two girls are over 75% of the time. I am struggling with wether I am being selfish to ask them to leave within the next couple weeks so my wife and I can just focus on us and get our house in order. I know as a Christian we are not to turn away the needy. How ever, both her brothers make more than I they are just trying to save a buck to help buy a house. Please any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

 

[madison1101]

If the brothers are working, give them a copy of the classified ads open to the apartments for rent section and tell them it is time to pack up and move. PERIOD. My siblings all know if they are in financial need, I am here for them. If they are working and just irresponsible, they are out on their own. I kicked my own son out two years ago. No free rides in my house. I need my space, and I pay my way.

Send the brothers packing. Now.

 

[Lorie]

why would a grown man need to stay with you for 6 months? he should not be putting u in the position. he needs to go he has had lots of time to get things in order!

 

[chilibowl]

Truly every thing that needed to be said has... you have your info, now it's up to you to make that tough choice, but make sure your wife doesn't find out at the same time her brothers do..

Good luck and godbless

 

[bliz]

How does your wife feel about this?

 

[Svt4Him]

That's a tough one. I like the idea of pulling out the classified ads, maybe even suggest a day you can go look for an appartment with him.

 

[snoochface]

Don't just hand them the classifieds and toss them out. Give them a deadline, a time frame that you and your wife feel comfortable with. It does take some time to find a place to live sometimes, so a week or two might not be sufficient - maybe give them three to four weeks, so you have a good couple of months before your baby arrives to get your home in order.

I do agree that if they are working and can afford to move, they should. If they are down on their luck, or if they need a long-term place to live until their custody arrangement is worked out (if that is even an issue) or something along those lines, I would tend to give them a little more time. The circumstances you have described, though, leads me to think they just need to go.

Good luck!

 

[heartnsoul]

All the advice here have been great. I also think that 2 weeks is not enough time for them to look for an apartment or place to live. I think 4 weeks is reasonable. To soften the request, you may want to help them move and help them look at the classifieds for places. This way, it still shows them that you CARE but you just need time to prepare your house for the baby. If they have kids of their own, they will probably understand how you feel.

Good luck...and remember, speak the truth in love and as long as you maintain a gentle, loving spirit, it will be received as such.

 

[CynthiaSpeaks]

We had a friend live with us, "only temporarily". Yea, right. He ate us out of house and home, over stayed his welcome and didnt' contribute a dime. And he was a slob. What a learning experience that was for us! It was very stressful and I wasn't even pregnant.

It is now time for the brothers to move on. If they get an apartment together and share expenses, they can still buy a house. And who says they have to buy right now anyway? Many folks rent quite a long time before the priviledge of homeownership comes along.

I hope they cooperate and don't give you a hassle. However, your wife and your new baby are your priorities right now. Not her brothers. If she is in agreement with you, then give them a deadline. If they ignore it [like our freeloading "friend" did] put their belongs on the front lawn and change the locks.

That's what it took for us, but he later came back and not only apologized, he thanked us for forcing him to make decisions.

 

[Yitzchak]

Sometimes you have to lose a few battles to win the war. What I mean is that if your wife invited them to stay and you throw them out , you may win the battle with them but lose the war with your wife.

This is an issue for your wife to handle. they are her family. You need to talk to her about it , not them.

 

[Neenie1]

Hmmm, this is a tough one.


We are sort of in the same position. But in a different way. Let me explain, we are storing things for BIL and SIL in our garage for them, until they move out of MIL house (BIL is working full time, and apparently earns a decent salary they just don't want to move out because they are saving to buy a house - however, there are 2 kids involved in this and yeah, it's pretty messy)

Now I am due to have a baby in July (2nd child) we would like our garage space back, so we can store some of our own things to make some room for our new baby. So I can understand how you feel.


Thing is, if they can afford to move out, then they should. I would give them a deadline, (maybe of 4 - 6 weeks, to make sure they have the necessary funds to move, and also the time to get a house, although this time period would depend on the availability of accommodation in your area)

You are not doing them any favours by letting them stay with you, you may think you are, but you are not, not in the long run anyway, sure it might help their budget, but it doesn't help their independence and learning to take care of themselves.

If they were in genuine need, then yes, of course it would be right to let them stay, but from the sound of your post, they are not in genuine need.

 

[Neenie1]

Sometimes you have to lose a few battles to win the war. What I mean is that if your wife invited them to stay and you throw them out , you may win the battle with them but lose the war with your wife.

This is an issue for your wife to handle. they are her family. You need to talk to her about it , not them.

True, although since she is pregnant she may not be able to handle the extra emotional issues at the moment. So may need her husbands support in this.

 

[jthree78]

Thank you all for your help!! I would help them find an apartment, however the older bother was in the process of building a new home for his wife and kids before she decided to end their marriage. Him and the younger brother have hopes to buying the home together as an investment. I don't know. See the biggest problem is my wife doesn't want to "put them out", but they are just taking advantage of her big heart. It's causing strife in my marriage. Do I give in and go against all my feelings or do I push her to do something I honestly know she doesn't want to do?

 

[Living Stone]

Hello, I am struggling with something that might seem trivial to some. My wife and I are six months pregnant. Her brother's wife is leaving him and has kicked him out, her younger brother was living with him, now they are both living with us. It has been 6 months now, and I have been told the divorce is to be final in 2 months, that puts the time he would be able to move out 1 month before our first child is born. You see we haven't had a chance to "Nest" our house is constantly a mess, and her brothers two girls are over 75% of the time. I am struggling with wether I am being selfish to ask them to leave within the next couple weeks so my wife and I can just focus on us and get our house in order. I know as a Christian we are not to turn away the needy. How ever, both her brothers make more than I they are just trying to save a buck to help buy a house. Please any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

Its not trivial in the least.

I had 2 of the exwifes brothers and their familes move in on us all thru the 90s.

Niether had to do so, and then decided since it was cheaper to just live with me, that there was no need to move into their own place.
30-60 days is plenty of time to find a house or apt for anyone with a job.

When I moved last Sept, it took about 4 phone calls and less than a week to find a nice little apt.
Im on SS disability, so my income isnt in the 6 digit range so If I can find a place that quickly then theres no reason why they shouldnt be able to.

You WERE there for the needy.
Now it seems your house and family are just being ''used'' for convienience.


Give em a time frame and stick to it

 

[Carina]

It is hard if your wife doesn't feel the same as you. I think you need to have a good conversation together about this. And share both how you feel about this. And why you want to have the house back to yourselfs.

I would want that too, if I was expecting a baby. You need to be able to make a lovely nursery, get things all nice.

I really hope and pray that you and your wife and the rest of the family can work this out.

GOD BLESS

CARINA

 

[snoochface]

I would have one more heart-felt conversation with your wife about this. Explain not only why you want the brothers to move, but also how you feel it is affecting you and straining your marriage. If she still feels like she wants to allow them to stay because they are her brothers, try to find a time frame she feels comfortable with for asking them to leave. If she doesn't even want to do that, then I think you probably do need to let things rest for now. She's pregnant and doesn't need a lot of upset right now, and I tend to think that if things progress to the point that your new baby arrives, that will be enough strain and stress on the whole household that she will come to the realization by herself that it's time for the brothers to go.

 

[jthree78]

Thank you all for your thoughts. God has blessed us with a community like this. I think I will discuss it further with her and try to determine what is going to be the least stressful for her. I was reading my bible today and God reminded me to trust him. I pray God blesses you all! Thank You.

 

[Yitzchak]

You're welcome. Whatever you do, remember that your pregenant wife is your first priority.