Help! My husband is bipolar...and it is hard

[alwaysyoung]

I am losing hope and basically feeling worn out. It is so hard to ride this with him. I want to be a supportive wife, but this is really wearing on me. Any tips on how to cope as a spouse? It is like having a heavy burden on my shoulders. I try really hard to make him happy, but it isn't working.
Please help.....much appreciated!
Lisa

 

[spdnet75]

cnlisa, you might ask for your Husband to do something that I actually did for and with my parents.

After trying to commit suicide in November of 2005, I signed release forms so that my parents could legally talk with my doctor and my counselors. We actually had a couple of "Group Sessions" in which we were able to get a few things safely out in the open.

My parents have not found reason to exercise the option and I am thankful, but I can see where an arrangement of such parameters might do a married couple some good as it is safe and controlled.

Bipolar is still quite confusing for the Doctors and Counselors because we are all very diverse and unique individuals.

I am not reccomending anything, as I am not qualified. I'm just letting you know that you can take an interest in your Husband's illness and possibly find a middle ground that feels fine for both of you.

Stephen

 

[alwaysyoung]

Thank you Stephen for the advice. It sounds like a good plan. I would love to have more understanding. Do you have bipolar? Because sometimes I ask him what is wrong when he is down and he says he doesn't know....it is just a feeling. Does that sound accurate?
Thanks so much for your help!
Lisa

 

[lara7]

HI, Lisa!

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time! My boyfriend also has bipolar, and what we do, is talk about what to do if he gets sick, and one of the main things is to contact his family, who is a great support.

He is also good at taking his meds, and he is in therapy. Is your husband? Meds can really make this disorder better, so if he's not, he really should talk to his pdoc about that. Sometimes it takes time to find the right meds, though.

Has he been diagnosed for a long time?
I hope things get better for you - you are in my prayers.
MY boyfriend had an episode in the beginning of January, and has been to hospital since then. He's a lot better now, and he's definetely worth hanging in there for

You are in my prayers.

 

[berry2000]

Whatever you do don't give up hope. Bipolar is treatable. I've had lots of ups and downs but after a lot of time and patience I"ve finally found some medication to stablize me. I've been fairly stable for almost 2 years now. (No major episodes) and my husband is much relieved.

 

[Alive again]

I am losing hope and basically feeling worn out. It is so hard to ride this with him. I want to be a supportive wife, but this is really wearing on me. Any tips on how to cope as a spouse? It is like having a heavy burden on my shoulders. I try really hard to make him happy, but it isn't working.
Please help.....much appreciated!
Lisa

Hi cnlisa, Just a few quick thoughts. One, check out the thread at the top of the page that explains bp and it's symptoms. http://www.christianforums.com/t2565317-bipolar-what-is-it.html Two, your husband has given you an honest answer. He doesn't know what is going on. Sometimes we can figure out a trigger or that stress is higher or we had a bad night sleep, etc, but this illness has moments that just don't make sense no matter how hard we try. Three, you cannot "make" him "happy". That is a dangerous thought process. This is an illness, you and your husband do not have control over feelings caused by this illness. You can both however learn how to adapt and cope with it. I know that is what your question was actually getting at, but because this illness impacts your brain chemicals, it therefore impacts thinking, so I try to be a clear as possible to make sure thinking is clean, so forgive me if I mistook what you meant! But healthy boundaries begin with clear thinking. It is his responsibility to take his meds and go to dr and get counseling for himself and his illness. You can go to counseling on your own for coping or join in his counseling as appropriate. And I agree totally with spidernet suggestions and the advice you got from the others. Just so you know a bit about me. I wear the hat of someone with this illness as well as the daughter and Mother of others with this illness. My hubby now also has depression. My brother also had a mental health illness, I am unsure of what it was. I was also a nurse for 15 years so I am very proactive about the medical part of this illness. Well, I am going to end this "novel" for now Feel free to ask any questions here or pm me anytime. YOu are welcome here and will find support and answers and good advice from all!!! Blessings and prayers!!!

 

[willmrcd1]

God Bless You,

I do not know what it is to be on the otherside of things, because you see I am the one who has bipolar. I know that it was very difficult for my husband at the beginning, because it was devasting to him and because we also have an autistic son. Double-whammy. God is merciful and He is there when we need Him the most. I remember seeing my husband cry out to God and my husband also sought help from others. He listened to my pastors and counselors and also made sure that I was taken my medications. When I seemed low and down in the dumps which was most of the times he read scriptures and played Christian music and tried his best to get me out of the house. No matter what he loved me and made sure that I heard him and when I eventually came out of this funk! I saw him and loved him even more.

Heavenly Father I pray for my sister. I pray that you will strengthen her Lord. That you will give her the tools and the wisdom to carry this cross that you have given her temporarily Lord. Father surround her and saturate her with Your Love. Lord give her the assurance that she can make it and that her husband will have a sound mind. Father I pray that you will unite this couple as you have intended it to be from the beginning of time. Lord I thank you that you have a plan and purpose for this couple and that every good thing comes from you. Marriage is a good and blessed thing. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, amen.

 

[Jeshu]

Lisa I feel for you and for your situation. My best advise would be find out as much as you can find out about the disorder. So that you can in this way be a support to your husband. Please don't try so hard to make him happy, he is sick and needs support rather than being happy. I know you mean well but I think you are only making yourself unhappy. Please remember that his depression is not your fault nor his but comes because he has bipolar disorder.
All the best with this.

Gerry

 

[alwaysyoung]

Thank you so much to EVERYONE who has offered their loving advice and support. It truly means so much to me. willmrcd1, your prayer was amazing!!! I've read it over and over. Thank you!

Yes, he is taking his meds, but they just recently got in therapeutic range. He was diagnosed last May but we couldn't find the right meds until recently. He has gone to one therapy session. I've been feeling a bit more hopeful in the last few days. There is A LOT of information on this forum too. I have also been doing some research online. The info I've read and also what you have said on this thread has helped me to realize that its not all my fault if he isn't happy. I forget easily though! My natural reaction is to wonder why I can't make him happy. I really want my husband to feel better and be better. We have many, many blessings in our lives that I want him to be able to fully enjoy.

Once again, thank you, thank you for your words.
Lisa

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Bipolar disorder is a horrible illness, to me it takes stress in your life and amplifies the problem. It can take constructive criticism and make it into an insult, and upset a person's mood. However there is hope, because there is the fact that the stressful situation will pass, and then you can go home and relax, and forget about the day. With the help of good friends, and caring people.

Take care of yourself,

Thomas

 

[angelkiss]

Hi Lisa!
Well, I'm not a spouse of a bipolar, but am a bipolar with a spouse and it's hard for both in my case. I am extremely mis-understood, and even after 4 years, the only thing he does understand is that I have to have my meds, or I'm unbearable..........even to myself.
Thing is, I learned years ago that I had to help myself and really want it in order to get help. I still battle with forgetting meds and even running out, but I still keep fighting.
It's even harder on my relationship now cause for the first three and a half years, hubby mostly worked out of town and I was left to cope with things on my own. Now, he's home a lot more often and he sees more of the mood swings and my blah days and is more hurt than help to me sometimes. EX: When he sees I'm in "blah-mode" Not saying much, just kinda zoned and in my own little world, he nags me........"When are you gonna get in a good mood?"........"Are you gonna smile today?".........."Gosh, get out of your mood!".....that kind of stuff. Which, he just escalates my problem and therefore, eventually I blow.
One thing that is important to a relationship in such cases as this: Good communication. On both sides. That is something I don't have. But, some are lucky to have it. I have a best friend that is bipolar and she and her husband have awesome communication! When he sees that she's going into an episode, he brings it to her attention.........(something that we sometimes can't see, but others can)............When she needs a listening ear, he stays up and listens, even it's all night.
I don't know if this has helped or not, but that's two examples of the communication part. LOL I kinda get a little side-tracked sometimes. Our prayers are with you and hubby!
s and es!!

 

[SoTheyTellMe]

More than one close relative of mine is Bipolar (or rather Manic Depressive, as it was known to them). A few general tips:

Be nice to them when they're feeling down. You'll feel better for it, they'll feel better for it, and it helps A LOT with the depression aspect of the disorder.

If they're in a manic phase, it is far better for you to dictate an activity rather than letting him run wild. These phases can be very constructive, but left unchecked, can cause serious harm. Generally ask your spouse to run things by you before beginning.

On over-anxiety: try to calmly and rationally explain why the issue is far, far less important than he believes. People with bipolar will appreciate this form of reassurement.

And yes, even being the most dedicated wife in the world will not prevent him from needing a few hours (or even a few days) to cool down.

Make sure he stays on his medication, and realise that this is not something that can be cured, only controlled.

 

[alwaysyoung]

Thank you so much. There is a lot of good advice on here that I can constructively work on. Much appreciated!

 

[Zoomer]

My husband is bipolar and it's alot of work. He's been on so many different mediciations and they worked at first. But after a few months, they don't help with his manic episodes. He's in therapy, but that isn't helping him either. So we are basically back to square one again after years of switching meds. The way I deal with it is by trying to remember that he does love me and doesn't mean to be how he is. It's been a very stressful 7 years with my hubby, so much that I am on meds for my anxiety. So you are not alone.