Help me.

[MistyMisty]

I just realized after a decade of marriage that my spouse has been gaslighting me.

I bring up an issue, not even trying to argue. He gets angry and defensive and turns the conversation into an argument, and then he comes up with a reason that I am at fault for the issue existing in the first place.
I then feel guilty and question myself and my sanity.

I feel angry that I did not realize this until now.
I'm afraid if I bring this up to him, the same thing will happen and just like all the other arguments, nothing will be solved. I will just eventually stop arguing and agree with him so he will stop yelling.

I walk on eggshells around him to not make him mad because of his tendency to have an explosive reaction.

He doesn't hit me or anything like that, but I realize now that all this time that these arguments have left me feeling like I don't know anything; like I am stupid; like I can't do anything right; like he is always right, and I am always wrong.

Right now I am angry and I feel hurt. I don't know what to do.

What I'm asking is this: as a Christian woman, what should I do? I want to stay righteous, but I don't want to keep doing this now that my eyes are open to it.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I just realized after a decade of marriage that my spouse has been gaslighting me.

I bring up an issue, not even trying to argue. He gets angry and defensive and turns the conversation into an argument, and then he comes up with a reason that I am at fault for the issue existing in the first place.
I then feel guilty and question myself and my sanity.

I feel angry that I did not realize this until now.
I'm afraid if I bring this up to him, the same thing will happen and just like all the other arguments, nothing will be solved. I will just eventually stop arguing and agree with him so he will stop yelling.

I walk on eggshells around him to not make him mad because of his tendency to have an explosive reaction.

He doesn't hit me or anything like that, but I realize now that all this time that these arguments have left me feeling like I don't know anything; like I am stupid; like I can't do anything right; like he is always right, and I am always wrong.

Right now I am angry and I feel hurt. I don't know what to do.

What I'm asking is this: as a Christian woman, what should I do? I want to stay righteous, but I don't want to keep doing this now that my eyes are open to it.

Hi MistyMisty,

The first thing to do is ensure that you (and any children you may have) are actually safe with him and when interacting with him.

The second thing to do is try to understand how, when and why he's angry. What are his trigger points? If he's basically a good guy, without a violent nature, then you'll want to see if you can get him some help whether that help comes through you or by connecting him up with other men who can help him along in the right direction so he can learn to deal with his anger issues.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[MistyMisty]

Hi MistyMisty,

The first thing to do is ensure that you (and any children you may have) are actually safe with him and when interacting with him.

The second thing to do is try to understand how, when and why he's angry. What are his trigger points? If he's basically a good guy, without a violent nature, then you'll want to see if you can get him some help whether that help comes through you or by connecting him up with other men who can help him along in the right direction so he can learn to deal with his anger issues.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

Thank you. For now we are safe. He punches walls and stuff, but he has never hurt me or the children. He scares me sometimes though, and I have often wondered if he may become violent.
He is always mad. Today it was from our kids being too slow to get ready for church, then the other kids at church, then slow drivers, then my daughter accidentally bumping the back of his seat in the car...
He gets irrationally angry at things that shouldn't even be rage-inducing issues.
I sometimes feel like I'm living with a ticking time bomb.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Honest counseling. Starting yesterday. If he doesn't want to do couples, do it for yourself.

 

[Runswithdogs]

Misty, there are a lot of red flags there just in what youve posted and I do not belive you are safe if hes physically violent even though he hasent hit you (yet)

A really good website for information, resources and support is https://cryingoutforjustice.com/

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Thank you. For now we are safe. He punches walls and stuff, but he has never hurt me or the children. He scares me sometimes though, and I have often wondered if he may become violent.
He is always mad. Today it was from our kids being too slow to get ready for church, then the other kids at church, then slow drivers, then my daughter accidentally bumping the back of his seat in the car...
He gets irrationally angry at things that shouldn't even be rage-inducing issues.
I sometimes feel like I'm living with a ticking time bomb.

How often does he punch walls and other things?

 

[MistyMisty]

How often does he punch walls and other things?

A few times a month. I ignore it mostly, it could be more.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

A few times a month. I ignore it mostly, it could be more.

Ok. And based on the intensity of his outbursts, how badly do you and the children feel either afraid or upset by his acts of anger? I'm asking because it's one thing if he's a moderately temperamental Type A guy and he's occasionally prone to expressing his frustrations about his job or his feelings of failure or having been betrayed by others or whatever, but it's quite another if he makes threats toward you, or makes you feel uncomfortable to the point that you actually feel afraid for yourself or for your children's well-being.

I'd encourage him gently to seek help with a male, Christian professional psychologist or psychiatrist. At the same time, you should be thinking about what you'll do if he actually makes you and your children feel threatened: where' will you go at a moment's notice? How will you quietly remove yourself from the danger he poses without him either stopping you or threatening you further? Who do you need to contact now to arrange a possible safe-haven in case he ever seems to be fully beside himself and a danger?

So, those are just some bits of advice you should think about, along with some of the things that other posters above have mentioned. Hopefully, your husband will come to his senses soon and get some help from other qualified, professional men or women.

 

[ValleyGal]

Children witnessing his violent expressions of frustration are traumatic, even if they are not directed at a person. Please protect your children from this trauma - they are likely living in fear, and Jesus did not call us to a spirit of fear, but of love. Your husband is instilling fear into them and into you.

Please make you and your children safe. Separate from him and make reconciliation contingent on him attending counselling for anger management and domestic abuse (verbal/mental/emotional). And you should attend counselling as well - learn about boundaries, and learn when to recognize the signs of his gaslighting early on so that you can excuse yourself from having to listen to it. Just stop leaving yourself vulnerable to his abuse.

 

[DZoolander]

Are there any walls he punches more often than others? Like a favorite punching wall?

Maybe when he's at work, have some workmen come and change the drywall out with something a lot harder (cement block is great) - then repaint it to look as it was.

 

[MistyMisty]

The more I think about all of this, the more indignation I feel.
I found one article that details the four stages of a relationship with a narcissist. It is our relationship exactly.
How did I become so codependent?

I have been paying more attention to how he speaks to the children.
I am livid.
"You made me yell at you. You know exactly how to make me mad, and you do it on purpose. You must like getting yelled at."
"You deserve a spanking."

I see that this is serious.
I have talked with my mom, so if it ever comes down to needing a place to go, my mom is in my corner to help me.
I found a Christian counseling organization, and I am going to call and see if they can help me.
I am also in the process of re-organizing my house so I can quickly gather things if I do ever need to get out.

It's like I don't know what is real. This is terrifying and difficult.

Thanks to everybody. I am doing my best to take your advice. I am having overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, like I am not allowed to be here saying all of this and doing what I'm doing.

I feel like I am really stomping the eggshells I have been walking on, and it gets ugly when I do that.

 

[Jane_Doe]

The more I think about all of this, the more indignation I feel.
I found one article that details the four stages of a relationship with a narcissist. It is our relationship exactly.
How did I become so codependent?

I have been paying more attention to how he speaks to the children.
I am livid.
"You made me yell at you. You know exactly how to make me mad, and you do it on purpose. You must like getting yelled at."
"You deserve a spanking."

I see that this is serious.
I have talked with my mom, so if it ever comes down to needing a place to go, my mom is in my corner to help me.
I found a Christian counseling organization, and I am going to call and see if they can help me.
I am also in the process of re-organizing my house so I can quickly gather things if I do ever need to get out.

It's like I don't know what is real. This is terrifying and difficult.

Thanks to everybody. I am doing my best to take your advice. I am having overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, like I am not allowed to be here saying all of this and doing what I'm doing.

I feel like I am really stomping the eggshells I have been walking on, and it gets ugly when I do that.

*Hugs and prayers for you*
It's hard to stand up when you've been knocked down so long -- hard and terrifying. But it is the right thing to do, both for you and your kids.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I"m sorry you're going through that. I agree that you have cause to be concerned about your husband's behavior and treatment of you and the kids. However, I think that marriage counseling might be ineffective, since he may well manipulate the therapist into siding with him, which is very common. I think you could benefit from talking to a counselor who is experienced in abusive relationships, because that's what this is. Punching walls, irrational rage, gaslighting, blaming, verbal tirades are all abusive behaviors. I wish you the best in navigating this. I'm glad you have your mother's support. Stay safe.

 

[Deidre32]

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. Your husband sounds emotionally abusive, and he needs to get some help for this. You can get counseling for yourself, but that still won't help him. It will only help you deal with him, which you really can't deal with an emotional abuser. I'll be praying that he sees the problem, and decides to get help for himself, and to help the marriage.

 

[Dave-W]

I agree with those who are saying he is being abusive. I will also agree with finding a counselor trained in abuse situations.

You have my prayers.