I know this is going to sound extremely crazy and weird. Please, just keep an open mind. So about a month and a half ago me and this guy started dating. He has two children, one of which is on the way. They are by two different women. He had a job when we got together (and, actually had it for two years) but got fired about a week after. He still does not have a job. The woman that is currently pregnant with his child and him broke up over six months ago. He cheated on her while taking xanax and she was confused and found that out and that is what caused their breakup. They are not really alike, from what he has said. They are two completely different people and he told me that he did not like the person he was when he was around her. Anyway, so about two weeks after we got together my parents kicked me out and I needed a place to go. I moved in with him and my best friend (they had been room mates before for a while). He is also a guy and they are best friends as well. It makes for an akward situation. I have a job, car, no kids, and am starting college in a little over a week. I had a 4.0 gpa in high school. I just have to add these things for you to understand exactly what I am dealing with. He went to an alternative school to finish high school. He is, oddly enough, a very intellegent person. I have never met anyone who talks, writes and expresses themself the way he does. He is a beautiful person. He is very attractive...actually resembles robert pattinson in a strange way. (not lying lol....it is definitely coincidental, the situation 
). Anyway, so he doesn't have a job and actually doesn't have a car or a drivers license...he will be twenty one this month. He doesn't seem to want to further his schooling and he has a lot of baggage. We started having sex early...I know, its aweful and I usually wait because I am known to get a little attatched and clingy partly because of that. I realize it is a sin and I am sorry....I can not take it back now. Please do not preach to me about that. I can admit my wrongs and only work on them. So, now almost four weeks of having sex and living together and laying next to each other...I am having a lot of feelings for him. I like him so much. I know it seems crazy to have these feelings this early. I'm not lying though. So...I've been pulling away bad lately and he has been noticing. I get really scared when emotions and feelings get involved (I have been hurt a lot) and I run away from it. I cant help it. I have been getting high and doing a lot of xanax lately (but not too much...just to try and cure my anxiety and nerves...I'm not a junkie, I just gave in. I have been perscribed anxiety meds before when I was 16 and I have always been really nervous. I will probably throw up for hours the night before school starts. It's so bad. But I lost my insurance when I turned 18 and can't afford doctors visits or anything like that right now.) Getting off topic again, sorry. So, he has a friend (but they have been at odds lately because of different things that have occurred between them in the past 8 months or so...) and he is not that attractive in my eyes (in some peoples he would be, though.), he has no kids, he has a car, a job (for five years he has had this one), he wants to go back to school, he graduated, hes extremely smart, and he likes me. I was a little messed up a week ago and started texting him and talking to him about it and he let me know quickly that he was into me and that I was beautiful and that my boyfriend was taking me for granted (i have been buying cigarettes, food, paying 1/2 of his part of the rent plus mine, and dealing with all of this at the same time...) and he has not seemed to really care up until me and this other guy went on a date the other day. I was very honest with my boyfriend and told him that I kind of liked the other guy, Nathan. I told him I was going to go hang out with him and everything. He took me to the movies, bought me dinner (my boyfriend has not once done this), and held my hand (idk if that's cheating but I held his back...I kinda feel horrible for it....but I cannot change it now.) We did not kiss or anything like that. There were two hugs and that is all. So... after this I got to thinking, subconciously at first, about how I kind of wanted something new...so I did not have to be worried about getting close and attatched because of my fear. I also really like this other guy. Hes great. So we went on another date two days ago...I told my boyfriend that we were going to go get something to drink and maybe talk for a while about how I just wanted to be his friend (because I was open with my boyfriend and obviously this bothered him because he cares about me too.) I was not sure if I really wanted to do this so in a text prior I had sent to Nathan that I have never cheated on a aguy and didnt plan on doing it and that I just had to figure out what I wanted. My boyfriend and I discussed from the beginning that we didn't want anything serious...anything that involved a lot of emotion...but not just sex. So, lately, I have been thinking and pondering on that and realized that I do want something serious, especially with him...I am just very scared. So we left and went to get something to drink and he decided that he knew a beautiful spot for us to go to talk. It was an hour away, but I agreed. We spent an hour there. We got high and looked at the stars, moon, venus, the clouds...everything. He held me. We did not so much as kiss. But I really liked it. It was one of the most relaxing moments I've had. Again, me and my boyfriend have never had that kind of experience. When I got home, he was so angry because we were gone that long. We talked about how we went so far away and what we did and everything....but I left out the part about him holding me. I told him we hugged and everything. My boyfriend does not even hold hands with me when we go places. I have never asked why. As of lately, though, he has been coming on even stronger and I feel that it's because he knows he has competition and a lot of it. Last night, him and our roomate went to the casino. I texted Nathan because I was alone and I wanted someone to talk to and someone to smoke with because, like I said, lately I have been very stressed out. I usually do not even smoke...but, I got offered hash and I decided why not. It is supposed to relax you anyway lol. So, we were sitting on the opposite end of the couch and we were smoking and talking and less than 5 minutes later (they were gone for about 15) he busts through the door and goes straight to his room. I told Nathan that I was sorry and that he should prolly leave while I take care of this. He understood and left. (I forgot to add that Nathan has been dating my boyfriends pregnant ex for about 2-3 weeks also...but he mentioned that he wanted someone who was intellegent, beautiful, has a job, car, and is independent, and most of all someone who has no kids.) Yesterday, a few hours before they went to the casino the girl he was dating had texted my roomate and told him that they had just broke up...right after the text about what he wanted in a girl. So, naturally I felt bad but flattered at the same time... My boyfriend was drunk (from the beer I bought, smoking my cigarettes, on the xanax and he took seroquil from someone that he won't even tell me which alarms me as well, due to the fact that I know he has no money.) All in all, he ended it last night. Today, I guessed that we were over...cried it out last night, and was moving on today. I was texting Nathan and we were talking more seriously about each other...and then he wakes up at 6 this evening, I buy him dinner and give him cigarettes (this is an outrageously expensive relationship I feel I should mention. I have gone in the hole at the bank because of it even. Because I do care about him and want to be with him...but I'm so scared...) and I was obviously going to continue living there because the bridge with my parents turned to ashes, along with the fact that I had a job and was actually paying for rent and bills. So...we decided that I was going camping with Nathan this week and that we had a date tomorrow night. My boyfriend explained to me, after he woke up today that he realized how much he really wanted to be with me and how he made a butt of himself etc. and how sorry he was. I told him I was sorry too...especially since it was my fault and I was pulling away and I knew it and that I started to like Nathan and everything was crazy. I explained how scared I was...especially since he used the word love the other night. Idk y I am like this. I want him and I want to be close to him, yet I am scared and want something that I do not have to be afraid of. This has happened before. That is why I didn't want anything too serious. Sometimes, though, he explained that things take on a mind of their own and we cannot help that. Tonight I talked to him and told him that I needed a week to clear my head and realize what I want out of a relationship and told him that I was scared of this and that me and Nathan had talked about how we wanted the same things. The night before, I also forgot to mention, that he did say he woke up and saw me and was thinking of his ex every day That made me even more scared. Today he told me he didn't mean it. He thinks I am trying to make a decision between him and "someone else" but I feel that he is missing the point. I am trying to figure out if I want something new and less intense or to further the feelings and emotions and my relationship with him. He said he needed a week too (because I had mentioned that) and that he was not even so sure anymore. He said to let me know my decision when I figured it out. I am scared that if I decide to pursue things with him that he will change his mind. I love him even a little*. IDK what to do. Help! ): I just do not want to lose him.
Thanks n sorry for the rambling lol
). Anyway, so he doesn't have a job and actually doesn't have a car or a drivers license...he will be twenty one this month. He doesn't seem to want to further his schooling and he has a lot of baggage. We started having sex early...I know, its aweful and I usually wait because I am known to get a little attatched and clingy partly because of that. I realize it is a sin and I am sorry....I can not take it back now. Please do not preach to me about that. I can admit my wrongs and only work on them. So, now almost four weeks of having sex and living together and laying next to each other...I am having a lot of feelings for him. I like him so much. I know it seems crazy to have these feelings this early. I'm not lying though. So...I've been pulling away bad lately and he has been noticing. I get really scared when emotions and feelings get involved (I have been hurt a lot) and I run away from it. I cant help it. I have been getting high and doing a lot of xanax lately (but not too much...just to try and cure my anxiety and nerves...I'm not a junkie, I just gave in. I have been perscribed anxiety meds before when I was 16 and I have always been really nervous. I will probably throw up for hours the night before school starts. It's so bad. But I lost my insurance when I turned 18 and can't afford doctors visits or anything like that right now.) Getting off topic again, sorry. So, he has a friend (but they have been at odds lately because of different things that have occurred between them in the past 8 months or so...) and he is not that attractive in my eyes (in some peoples he would be, though.), he has no kids, he has a car, a job (for five years he has had this one), he wants to go back to school, he graduated, hes extremely smart, and he likes me. I was a little messed up a week ago and started texting him and talking to him about it and he let me know quickly that he was into me and that I was beautiful and that my boyfriend was taking me for granted (i have been buying cigarettes, food, paying 1/2 of his part of the rent plus mine, and dealing with all of this at the same time...) and he has not seemed to really care up until me and this other guy went on a date the other day. I was very honest with my boyfriend and told him that I kind of liked the other guy, Nathan. I told him I was going to go hang out with him and everything. He took me to the movies, bought me dinner (my boyfriend has not once done this), and held my hand (idk if that's cheating but I held his back...I kinda feel horrible for it....but I cannot change it now.) We did not kiss or anything like that. There were two hugs and that is all. So... after this I got to thinking, subconciously at first, about how I kind of wanted something new...so I did not have to be worried about getting close and attatched because of my fear. I also really like this other guy. Hes great. So we went on another date two days ago...I told my boyfriend that we were going to go get something to drink and maybe talk for a while about how I just wanted to be his friend (because I was open with my boyfriend and obviously this bothered him because he cares about me too.) I was not sure if I really wanted to do this so in a text prior I had sent to Nathan that I have never cheated on a aguy and didnt plan on doing it and that I just had to figure out what I wanted. My boyfriend and I discussed from the beginning that we didn't want anything serious...anything that involved a lot of emotion...but not just sex. So, lately, I have been thinking and pondering on that and realized that I do want something serious, especially with him...I am just very scared. So we left and went to get something to drink and he decided that he knew a beautiful spot for us to go to talk. It was an hour away, but I agreed. We spent an hour there. We got high and looked at the stars, moon, venus, the clouds...everything. He held me. We did not so much as kiss. But I really liked it. It was one of the most relaxing moments I've had. Again, me and my boyfriend have never had that kind of experience. When I got home, he was so angry because we were gone that long. We talked about how we went so far away and what we did and everything....but I left out the part about him holding me. I told him we hugged and everything. My boyfriend does not even hold hands with me when we go places. I have never asked why. As of lately, though, he has been coming on even stronger and I feel that it's because he knows he has competition and a lot of it. Last night, him and our roomate went to the casino. I texted Nathan because I was alone and I wanted someone to talk to and someone to smoke with because, like I said, lately I have been very stressed out. I usually do not even smoke...but, I got offered hash and I decided why not. It is supposed to relax you anyway lol. So, we were sitting on the opposite end of the couch and we were smoking and talking and less than 5 minutes later (they were gone for about 15) he busts through the door and goes straight to his room. I told Nathan that I was sorry and that he should prolly leave while I take care of this. He understood and left. (I forgot to add that Nathan has been dating my boyfriends pregnant ex for about 2-3 weeks also...but he mentioned that he wanted someone who was intellegent, beautiful, has a job, car, and is independent, and most of all someone who has no kids.) Yesterday, a few hours before they went to the casino the girl he was dating had texted my roomate and told him that they had just broke up...right after the text about what he wanted in a girl. So, naturally I felt bad but flattered at the same time... My boyfriend was drunk (from the beer I bought, smoking my cigarettes, on the xanax and he took seroquil from someone that he won't even tell me which alarms me as well, due to the fact that I know he has no money.) All in all, he ended it last night. Today, I guessed that we were over...cried it out last night, and was moving on today. I was texting Nathan and we were talking more seriously about each other...and then he wakes up at 6 this evening, I buy him dinner and give him cigarettes (this is an outrageously expensive relationship I feel I should mention. I have gone in the hole at the bank because of it even. Because I do care about him and want to be with him...but I'm so scared...) and I was obviously going to continue living there because the bridge with my parents turned to ashes, along with the fact that I had a job and was actually paying for rent and bills. So...we decided that I was going camping with Nathan this week and that we had a date tomorrow night. My boyfriend explained to me, after he woke up today that he realized how much he really wanted to be with me and how he made a butt of himself etc. and how sorry he was. I told him I was sorry too...especially since it was my fault and I was pulling away and I knew it and that I started to like Nathan and everything was crazy. I explained how scared I was...especially since he used the word love the other night. Idk y I am like this. I want him and I want to be close to him, yet I am scared and want something that I do not have to be afraid of. This has happened before. That is why I didn't want anything too serious. Sometimes, though, he explained that things take on a mind of their own and we cannot help that. Tonight I talked to him and told him that I needed a week to clear my head and realize what I want out of a relationship and told him that I was scared of this and that me and Nathan had talked about how we wanted the same things. The night before, I also forgot to mention, that he did say he woke up and saw me and was thinking of his ex every day That made me even more scared. Today he told me he didn't mean it. He thinks I am trying to make a decision between him and "someone else" but I feel that he is missing the point. I am trying to figure out if I want something new and less intense or to further the feelings and emotions and my relationship with him. He said he needed a week too (because I had mentioned that) and that he was not even so sure anymore. He said to let me know my decision when I figured it out. I am scared that if I decide to pursue things with him that he will change his mind. I love him even a little*. IDK what to do. Help! ): I just do not want to lose him.Thanks n sorry for the rambling lol
so I will pray that God will protect you. Be safe.
