I was doubting Jesus last saturday morning while working, and I was trying to rationalize it out, but the stress at work and the frustration was getting me angry. I started getting malicious, and the thoughts did too. I was trying to defend Jesus but at the same time attacking Him, and I feared that I was rejecting Him as savior. Everything was fine, and church the next day was great. Monday was okay, except for when I read something about the ba hai religion and doubted for a second. Last night I read something that said that the unforgivable sin is falling away after finding the truth, and so I started fearing that I had done that, and that I was just now realizing what I had done. I have been having problems because I think something more than OCD is at work. I feel like I feel God's presence, but it's like a weight pushing down and constantly frustrating me. This makes me think it's not God I'm feeling. This is causing me to get frustrated with God, and the fact that every time I try to repent I get intrusive thoughts makes it hard, and makes me feel animosity when I pray. I don't want to do it, and I try to overcome it, but I'm afraid that I'm feeling that animosity about God, not towards myself and those thoughts, if that makes sense. I'm afraid that I'm starting to hate God, and that is coupled with prideful intrusive thoughts that I don't want. I still accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, but I worry that the Holy Spirit is gone and that's why I feel that tense, angry feeling inside a lot of the time. The problem is, last friday I had been talking to my dad about my problems, and He had been reassuring me that I was saved and that everyone is pretty horrible deep down, that's why we have God's grace through Jesus and the Holy Spirit to help us live differently after being saved. We went out to dinner with my grandma, and after dinner we were talking. My grandma is a strong calvinist, and she doesn't talk about religion with me ever. That night she started out of the blue talking about religion, and she looked right at me and said that if you're saved then God has probably done something to let you know, like answering a prayer and changing your attitude, or like a spiritual experience. This was crazy because my dad and I had been talking about knowing you;re saved right before we picked her up, and also because the way I was saved definitely seemed supernatural. It was like God was reassuring me, and I felt something inside me breathe a sigh of relief and joy. The only problem was that this was friday, before the latest round of trouble began. This time just feels different. I'm worried that I did a stupid thing and screwed it up, the day after I received some reassurance from God too.
