help...? (long, most likely triggers)

[xx____britt]

Alright, this is what I joined this site for. You see, I have some issues... a lot of issues, actually. And I needed Christian help, badly. But I'm too scared to tell Christians I actually know about what's going on... so I figured a forum full of people I'll probably never meet in real life would be just the group to tell. So, I worked up the courage to tell a piece of my story. Hopefully, someone will be able to help.

Starting off with a warning. My life is not the "typical Christian life." It hasn't been nearly close to perfect, and I am nowhere close to the person I pretend to be. I can fool you with a smile, but there's a lot more to me than most realize. Also, I don't expect you to understand everything I'm going through/have gone through. I just want someone to be understanding that I have issues and to help me through them. Oh, and this story will probably trigger something in you. Please, don't read it if it's gonna worsen your condition.

Okay, my story.

I start off when I was young... I don't know how old, but young. My dad was abusive physically. I don't really remember it. I know it happened 'cause my mom told me about it (they are still married, so this isn't a "he said, she said" thing... it happened). I've been told that I had a teacher in preschool find a hand print on my back and random bruises. Nothing was done, however. But, my dad did change, so the abuse didn't last long. The only reason I don't remember it (well, aside from the fact that I probably blocked it out) is that my mom would pray that I wouldn't remember, and now I don't.

Things were good for a while, except my parents always wanted excellence from me and they pushed me like CRAZY to succeed. I always felt like I was a failure... like I didn't measure up. But, even that isn't awful. Fast forward.

When I was in, like, sixth grade or so, this guy who was five years older than me molested/sexually abused/touched (whatever you want to call it) me. This was in church, around a bunch of people who took no notice at all, and if they DID notice, they said nothing. Granted, at the time, I was lucky if someone asked me how my day was at church... oh I couldn't stand that place. All this was in the presence of people. It wasn't in some back alleyway, it was IN the youth service. Anyway, in essence, this guy says by his actions that I'm only good for sex/sexual pleasure/whatever. If he wasn't touching me, he didn't talk to me... and at the time I viewed him as my only "friend." Fast forward number two.

Years later, I'm a freshman in high school. I start dating this other guy. Basically, he likes being physical. I couldn't STAND it. It reminded me of guy one, and essentially, I felt worthless as a person. Granted, the increasing depression and the worsening self esteem didn't help, either. Neither did the fact that I really didn't have any friends there either. Oh, and I was still stuck in a youth group full of people who didn't help me when guy one was doing his thing. Guy two and I eventually broke up because he wanted me to sleep with him. No way was that happening. Fast forward number three.

Junior year, I started dating guy one. We'd talk on the phone and he'd constantly say sexual things to me. Commenting on how he'd love to lay naked next to me, how he'd love to touch me, etc. Again, it brought back those memories. And, again, I couldn't stand it. But, I stayed with him for a while, and he got progressively worse and worse. The only thing he ever tried to pressure me into was to make out with him, which wasn't going to happen, but I broke it off before he could try to pressure me into anything else. ...three weeks later HE broke up with me because he said he didn't want to keep the relationship secret. Fast forward again.

Now, I'm nineteen, and have been out of high school for two years. I haven't seriously dated since guy two (since he and I dated for five months) and haven't dated at all since guy one (he and I only dated like a month or so). My issues are numerous because of the past. Bear in mind that I'm only revealing bare minimum here to get the point across.

First, I can't stand being touched... like, at all. My space is precious to me, and I become a ninja if people overstep that boundary. I'm hypersensitive about it.
Second, I can't stand making out, kissing, the thought of sex, sexual things, etc. I can't watch it on tv, I can't talk about it, I can't see married people kiss - it's disgusting to me.
I started self-mutilating in sixth grade. I thought I could get away from what this guy was doing to me if I hurt myself. I'm not a cutter, though... I don't like knives.
I have severe trust issues. I don't trust pastors and I don't trust guys.
I also have horrible self-esteem... I feel like I'm worthless. I can quote verses like Psalm 139:17-18 all day long, and I believe them when applied to others, but I don't believe them for myself.
Also, I keep having flashbacks. Like, bad ones. I can almost FEEL guy one next to me, touching me. It makes me feel used and dirty. And as a result of these flashbacks I fall into a deep state of depression. I just battled one that was two days long recently. My mood goes up and down like crazy.

All that to say, I've been talking to a pastor about this. Crazy, because I don't trust them, generally speaking since I've had six let me down, but this one's different. Anyway, he and I have been talking (crazy again, because I don't trust guys either), and he says I need to forgive. Not only do I need to forgive the guy (guy one) who did this, but I need to forgive: the youth leaders who sat by and watched it happen, the pastors who never provided a safety for me to turn to (ugh that's a story all in it's own), the youth who never said anything but instead spread rumors that I was sleeping with the guy, AND myself.





TL;DR: And so, all that to say... I've been screwed over in my life (this isn't even the half of it, trust me), but I somehow need to learn to forgive. Does anyone have any advice on this? Has anyone been through something similar and learned to forgive? Is it possible to let this go? And what about forgiving yourself - any advice on how to do that? I beat myself up constantly over stupid things - how can I stop?
Also, I've contributed certain attributes to God. For instance, He's somehow going to fail me. When I need Him most, He won't be there. JUST like the people He placed as youth pastors in my life. Or, He's going to hurt me somehow. I have issues trusting Him and believing that His love is free... I don't have to earn it with how "good" I am.
Finally, I would really like to not have to deal with these things anymore. I mean, I freak out if someone brushes against me... that's NOT normal.
...I want to be normal. To be like everyone else.

Help me, CF - you seem good at that. Sorry, this is long and emo sounding. I just really need the help...

 

[puregrl]

I was abused. Id like to say that i have forgiven him, and here are the steps to doing so. But i havnt, and there are no steps. I know that the bible says we must forgive, but that does not mean we have to forget. The experience will always affect us. It can make is stronger over time, learning from our mistakes and how to handle other situations like that that arise in the future.
It takes time to forgive people sometimes. you have to come to that point in your life when you are ready, and that is so hard sometimes!
As far as forgiving yourself, i found that easier to do. I knew that i did not ask for it to happen, it was not my fault. I did not provoke it, i did not want it. And what has happened to you is not your fault either. When you get in that downward spiral it is hard to come back up sometimes and very easy to keep drifting down and making bad decisions. But you have to know that you can come out of the tunnel. That there are people who care on the other side, and even good guys out there...somewhere. You just have to take a deep breathe and remind yourself that it is not your fault. As many times as you need to hear it, it helped me to say it outloud a few times.
Honestly, i had trouble with the whole God thing as well, it just happens when you are so let down by others. But i kept listening to christian music and reading my bible to remind me that he is God. He will never leave nor forsake you. He will never let you down. He is the best father ever. You may not feel like he is there, like he is walking behind you or something. But guarentee he is carrying you through. He promised to never leave his children. It is such a good feeling knowing his love is free. That i dont have to worry about being perfect, that he loves me just as i am.
And ill tell you something about normal...it does not exist. Everyone has issues and problems they do not talk about. People have anxiety, depression, disorders. Its everywhere. Take comfort in knowing that you are normal, you just have personal problems you are dealing with. And you are not alone in that. It will take time, maybe a long time to feel comfortable around men and authority figures. And that is ok. There is no time clock saying you have to have delt with this issue by this point or else. Remember that God loves you as you are and not as you think you should be. Give you problems to him and im telling you, from experience, he can take who are now, with all your problems and hurt, and turn you into a beautiful women.

 

[xx____britt]

-sigh- Why can't life come with a How To Manual? It would make this mess of forgiveness so much easier.

Yeah, my trip to being ready was a hard one... there were tons of triggers to the memories over the course of a week. Then, God was dealing with me after a sermon on forgiveness, and I essentially told Him, "No, I'm not gonna do it." And it ate me up inside. I decided I had to talk about it with someone, so I talked to this pastor. And now, I'm on this road of forgiveness.

Honestly, some days are better than others. Like today, today I'm feeling good, I feel like I can do this. When I wrote the original post, I was miserable and grasping for help somewhere.

Thank you so much for your kind words <3 it's good to know that I'm not alone out there.

 

[kimmiemae]

Hi, I am a survivor of abuse. Jesus has set me free and on my feet and now I minister to others. I was beaten, molested at 12, attempted molestation 16, attempted rape 17, raped at 20. Oh there was also all the verbal stuff too.

I went through the self loathing too. Hard to bathe or look in the mirror. That's all gone now.

I want to give you hope. It took some time, but I submitted to a minister at cwlinc.com and it was better than winning a million dollar lottery!!! Carlotta is amazing at all of what you described and MORE.

Please let me know if you are interested and I can continue to share. I didn't want to overload you with so much at once. I'm praying for you girl!!!

 

[Criada]

Hi sweetie
I'm so sorry you went through all of that.
Forgiveness is very hard - and yet it's necessary if we are to be free of the past.
I found that praying for my abusers was what eventually helped me to get there. In the beginning I was praying 'Lord, I don't want to pray for them, I want to hurt them... but you want me to love them... so please bless them..'
It was hard -but gradually, as I prayed, I began to see how God saw them... that they were his creation and had probably been hurt and abused themselves.
It ewas a very long journey, and I'm not all the way there yet, but I feel so much better than I used to about things - and I'm still on the journey.

Praying that God will keep you wrapped up in His love and comfort

 

[Johnnz]

Like most abused women you have a horrible legacy to work through. Someone more skilled in dealing with sexual abuse and the other issues to have would be helpful.

Most pastors have limited time and skills for dealing to longer term, more complex issues. Forgiveness is important, but it its not sufficient alone in seeing you regain some normality. It is not a 'cure all' as often seen by many. Often, it happens only after many other issues have been addressed, not beforehand.

You can change, but there are no simplistic answers or formulas.

John
NZ

 

[kimmiemae]

If you knew your prayer would be answered, what would you pray for?

 

[xx____britt]

@kimmiemae:
I took a look at that website, and I think I'd like a little more info before I decide for sure if I'm interested. It's hard enough talking about it already, but I might be willing to give it a shot with some more info c:
Thank you for your prayers and I'm glad you've gotten healing on your journey c:

@Criada:
Thanks c: it's good to know that I'm not alone on this journey... that other people fight it too. That was the first bit of advice my pastor gave me - to pray for my abusers and the people who sat by and did nothing while this was going on literally right in front of them. I've found it easier to pray for them, but I don't know if I'm really getting anywhere in forgiving... it almost feels like I take two steps forward and three steps back.
But, I'm trying... trying to let it go, and trying to move on from it. I don't want it to define me anymore.

@Johnnz:
I've thought about seeing a therapist, but I really don't want to admit that I actually might need just that to get through this. I'd like to think that just talking to this pastor, working through it, and letting God work in me will be enough... but when I think about it honestly, I'm not sure it will :/

@kimmiemae:
First thought: That all this would just go away and I can have a "normal" life.
But really, I don't know :/

 

[Johnnz]

@Johnnz:
I've thought about seeing a therapist, but I really don't want to admit that I actually might need just that to get through this. I'd like to think that just talking to this pastor, working through it, and letting God work in me will be enough... but when I think about it honestly, I'm not sure it will :/

@kimmiemae:
First thought: That all this would just go away and I can have a "normal" life.
But really, I don't know :/

Hi,

There are real benefits from seeing a suitable person.

a) It is not an admission of weakness, lack of faith or whatever.
b) Another person is objective - they see from outside of your own confusion, mixed feelings, pain, self doubt. There insights can be invaluable
c) Other shave walked this road before you. A good therapist has learned from those people and has a fund of useful information
d) Once you begin to talk about those dark times many unsettling emotions and memories often surface. That can be somewhat disorientating if not downright fearsome. Understanding support can really help get you through that part of the healing process.

John
NZ

 

[kimmiemae]

xx britt,

Well, if it's more information you want, just ask....
Otherwise, I know it's scary because I retreated too when the right help came along.

Painful memories may fade but as they fade the scars on our soul deepens and numbs us to pain as well as joy. They can be forgotten, but the soul bears the consequence until you are ready to deal with it.

I was unprotected by my own father from the abuse of my mother. I know....I have been there.

Jesus, will always hold your hand. Don't let go of His. It wasn't His plan for you to suffer this abuse. It wasn't His will. He was in that room and grieved by the abuse. He cannot interfere with a person's free will. Free will is a gift. Some people use it for good and some people use it for evil. Because we live in a fallen world bad things happen and it grieves the Father deeply.

When I was healed from the memory of the rape that happened to me at the tender age of 20, Jesus gave me a picture in my mind that He was standing there and I saw him with His face in His hands grieving bitterly as I was being raped. It's time to put the blame on Satan and his kingdom. Amen?

 

[Colleen1]

Alright, this is what I joined this site for. You see, I have some issues... a lot of issues, actually. And I needed Christian help, badly. But I'm too scared to tell Christians I actually know about what's going on... so I figured a forum full of people I'll probably never meet in real life would be just the group to tell. So, I worked up the courage to tell a piece of my story. Hopefully, someone will be able to help.

Starting off with a warning. My life is not the "typical Christian life." It hasn't been nearly close to perfect, and I am nowhere close to the person I pretend to be. I can fool you with a smile, but there's a lot more to me than most realize. Also, I don't expect you to understand everything I'm going through/have gone through. I just want someone to be understanding that I have issues and to help me through them. Oh, and this story will probably trigger something in you. Please, don't read it if it's gonna worsen your condition.

Okay, my story.

I start off when I was young... I don't know how old, but young. My dad was abusive physically. I don't really remember it. I know it happened 'cause my mom told me about it (they are still married, so this isn't a "he said, she said" thing... it happened). I've been told that I had a teacher in preschool find a hand print on my back and random bruises. Nothing was done, however. But, my dad did change, so the abuse didn't last long. The only reason I don't remember it (well, aside from the fact that I probably blocked it out) is that my mom would pray that I wouldn't remember, and now I don't.

Things were good for a while, except my parents always wanted excellence from me and they pushed me like CRAZY to succeed. I always felt like I was a failure... like I didn't measure up. But, even that isn't awful. Fast forward.

When I was in, like, sixth grade or so, this guy who was five years older than me molested/sexually abused/touched (whatever you want to call it) me. This was in church, around a bunch of people who took no notice at all, and if they DID notice, they said nothing. Granted, at the time, I was lucky if someone asked me how my day was at church... oh I couldn't stand that place. All this was in the presence of people. It wasn't in some back alleyway, it was IN the youth service. Anyway, in essence, this guy says by his actions that I'm only good for sex/sexual pleasure/whatever. If he wasn't touching me, he didn't talk to me... and at the time I viewed him as my only "friend." Fast forward number two.

Years later, I'm a freshman in high school. I start dating this other guy. Basically, he likes being physical. I couldn't STAND it. It reminded me of guy one, and essentially, I felt worthless as a person. Granted, the increasing depression and the worsening self esteem didn't help, either. Neither did the fact that I really didn't have any friends there either. Oh, and I was still stuck in a youth group full of people who didn't help me when guy one was doing his thing. Guy two and I eventually broke up because he wanted me to sleep with him. No way was that happening. Fast forward number three.

Junior year, I started dating guy one. We'd talk on the phone and he'd constantly say sexual things to me. Commenting on how he'd love to lay naked next to me, how he'd love to touch me, etc. Again, it brought back those memories. And, again, I couldn't stand it. But, I stayed with him for a while, and he got progressively worse and worse. The only thing he ever tried to pressure me into was to make out with him, which wasn't going to happen, but I broke it off before he could try to pressure me into anything else. ...three weeks later HE broke up with me because he said he didn't want to keep the relationship secret. Fast forward again.

Now, I'm nineteen, and have been out of high school for two years. I haven't seriously dated since guy two (since he and I dated for five months) and haven't dated at all since guy one (he and I only dated like a month or so). My issues are numerous because of the past. Bear in mind that I'm only revealing bare minimum here to get the point across.

First, I can't stand being touched... like, at all. My space is precious to me, and I become a ninja if people overstep that boundary. I'm hypersensitive about it.
Second, I can't stand making out, kissing, the thought of sex, sexual things, etc. I can't watch it on tv, I can't talk about it, I can't see married people kiss - it's disgusting to me.
I started self-mutilating in sixth grade. I thought I could get away from what this guy was doing to me if I hurt myself. I'm not a cutter, though... I don't like knives.
I have severe trust issues. I don't trust pastors and I don't trust guys.
I also have horrible self-esteem... I feel like I'm worthless. I can quote verses like Psalm 139:17-18 all day long, and I believe them when applied to others, but I don't believe them for myself.
Also, I keep having flashbacks. Like, bad ones. I can almost FEEL guy one next to me, touching me. It makes me feel used and dirty. And as a result of these flashbacks I fall into a deep state of depression. I just battled one that was two days long recently. My mood goes up and down like crazy.

All that to say, I've been talking to a pastor about this. Crazy, because I don't trust them, generally speaking since I've had six let me down, but this one's different. Anyway, he and I have been talking (crazy again, because I don't trust guys either), and he says I need to forgive. Not only do I need to forgive the guy (guy one) who did this, but I need to forgive: the youth leaders who sat by and watched it happen, the pastors who never provided a safety for me to turn to (ugh that's a story all in it's own), the youth who never said anything but instead spread rumors that I was sleeping with the guy, AND myself.





TL;DR: And so, all that to say... I've been screwed over in my life (this isn't even the half of it, trust me), but I somehow need to learn to forgive. Does anyone have any advice on this? Has anyone been through something similar and learned to forgive? Is it possible to let this go? And what about forgiving yourself - any advice on how to do that? I beat myself up constantly over stupid things - how can I stop?
Also, I've contributed certain attributes to God. For instance, He's somehow going to fail me. When I need Him most, He won't be there. JUST like the people He placed as youth pastors in my life. Or, He's going to hurt me somehow. I have issues trusting Him and believing that His love is free... I don't have to earn it with how "good" I am.
Finally, I would really like to not have to deal with these things anymore. I mean, I freak out if someone brushes against me... that's NOT normal.
...I want to be normal. To be like everyone else.

Help me, CF - you seem good at that. Sorry, this is long and emo sounding. I just really need the help...

I just want you to know you are not alone. I was abused as well in different ways and by different people. I left church feeling very disillusioned about the contradictions I saw around me at church and at home. I feel for you and I know the pain and memories can at times be tough. One day about 15 years ago, I started going back to church. I went to a church that had a pastor that was more aware of social issues and I could hear this in his preaching. I had held so much inside. So many people in my life expected me to be the one that took care of everyone elses emotions and never care about my own. I was never allowed to be angry. Instead, I was expected to put up with everyone elses anger and not be angry myself. I went to this day conference with a fellow member of alanon and there a christian lady shared her testimony and a poem titled, "When I Told God I was Angry". Until that day I never realized what an authentic relationship with God was suppose to be like. Shortly after this conference I was sitting down stewing over stuff and felt such feelings of pain and despair. It was like there was this dark cloud hanging over me. In the midst of this all it was like I knew there were these bright rays of sun overhead trying to break through this thick cloud until little by little the warmth and brightness of the sun (God's love) penetrated through in places. I couldn't hold anything inside any longer. I thought, what have I got to lose if God gets mad at me because of this. I'm already a lost cause. It all poured out like a flood. All my feelings (including anger), all my thoughts and all my questions. I sobbed out loud for the first time in a long while and it was the first truly authentic prayer I ever prayed. Until this day you might say prayer for me was like a little girl putting on a pretty dress and making sure everything is smoothed out and in place and sitting poised like she's expected to be. I'm happy to say prayer is no longer like that for me. It's an all out gush of whatever is inside, 'the good, the bad, the ugly'. I know God knows it all already so it's pointless for me to pretend. Because I come to God in truth and authenticity, there are no wedges in my relationship with Him and I can be still and see what He is trying to show me. Like any other relationship if I base it on lies and pretense the relationship is shallow and can't grow and really isn't a relationship. Two Bible passages that have deep emotional meaning for me are Psalm 139 and Psalm 34:5 "Those who come to him are radiant. There faces are never covered with shame." I feel so connected with these passages, that when I read them I can feel the words in my soul. God loves you. I don't mind listening and I'll be praying.