Help. I'm really confused!

[Sprout]

Like everyone here seems to be, I'm confused.
It'll take a while to explain, but please bear with me:
My family's never been religious. I've never been particularly religious, but I've always been curious. I started getting faith about six months ago, when I properly started studying philosophy, but I still wouldn't call myself religious. That's not really the problem.
The problem is that I consider myself theist, but I refuse to label myself a Christian because I don't have enough faith in the Christian God, and in Christ himself yet. I'm also struggling with my sexuality and I want to accept myself for who I am, which goes against most Chrisitan teaching.
I just feel like I'm a really bad person. I've done a lot of thinking recently, and come to the conclusion that I'm attracted to the same sex because it's wrong to be - like I'm attracted to the idea of sin. When I watch TV or films, I always find myself liking the villains, and I have dreams from their perspective, or with me being invovled with them.
The other day my sister and her boyfriend found a kid lost on the hill and helped him out, but I found myself thinking "it would have been fun to kick him if there was nobody there to see". I pushed the thought out straight away, but I've had loads more like it since. In my head, there's two thoughts constantly fighting - the one that wants to do bad things, that tells me I'm capable of doing them, and the one that tells me I couldn't do it. But I know the first thought is right. I could do these things - I could be a bad person. And sometimes I want to be.
I'm just so confused! Everyone always says "you can't change who you are", but what if who I am is evil? Surely I should try to change that? I'm worried that I can't, and some part of me doesn't want to - like it enjoys being bad!
Please, I need help understanding!

 

[solarwave]

Hey Sprout,

I'ld like to say I really empathize with your situation (which I don't normally with online problem) and I have just prayed for you.

The main thing you need to know about Christianity is that God loves you for who you are. You may have done wrong things (we all do whether we admit it or not) but God loves and accepts you reguardless of all that. So you don't need to try to change to know Him.

As a suggestion for know if the Christian God is real or not, why don't you assume He is and live like that. Genuinely talk to Him and go to church. If you don't find God then no harm is done by trying. Christ isn't known though through reason like philosophy, but by personal experience of Him. For example I have seen people healed and God replies if you are sensitive to Him.

Would I be correct to say you enjoy this conflict of good and evil within you in some way? In some way you like to think of your self with this 'sinful half'?

Are you an evil person? No. People are tempted, but what counts is your attitude towards it and what you do about it.

Tell God how you feel, express your feelings and confusion; He cares. Feel free to ask me whatever.

Solarwave

 

[Sprout]

@solarwave

Thankyou for your sympathy. I guess it is like you say - I enjoy it and I feel like I need to have these two halves, but that's where the problem comes from. I'm scared to talk to God about how I feel, because if I lie and say I really want to get rid of the "evil me", I'll change, and if I tell Him how I acutally feel, He might punish me for it...

 

[solarwave]

Thats alright

Do you think you enjoy it because it has become something that you think makes you different? Like this struggle between the two is heroic in some way too? Im just wondering from something in my own life which is similar but very different too; I dunno I may be wrong, lol.

So do you actually want to change? Something I heard recently is that all human action is done for happiness, so the question is will this struggle make you the most happy.

God wont punish you for telling the truth. He understands. I mean I understand so God would so much more than me.

I suggest you tell Him you enjoy it and you dont know what to do and anything else your thinking and just see what happens.

 

[LJSGM]

Matthew 13:15
For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.'

John 3
16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[f] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.[g] 19This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

If you repent of you sinful ways, God will not punish you, he will give you grace and send you the Holy Spirit, which will make you righteous.

Luke 11:34
Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness.

John 1

The Word Became Flesh

1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was with God in the beginning.

3Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 5The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood[a] it.
6There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. 7He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. 8He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. 9The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.[b]
10He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— 13children born not of natural descent,[c] nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
14The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,[d] who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. 15John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.' " 16From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. 17For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only,[e][f]who is at the Father's side, has made him known.

Why don't you do a little reading of the bible, it is like a light shining in the darkness and helps you see which way to go.

God bless

 

[Anonymousftw]

@solarwave

help me out on this one solarwave. How come christanity seems to be the only religion that sevely looks down on Gays (others may just get irritated and put up with the sexuality change). How come if your Gay than you have sinned??? And please don't say any 'because God said so' stuff because i want to hear an actual answer that you came up with

 

[daniel777]

How come christanity seems to be the only religion that sevely looks down on Gays (others may just get irritated and put up with the sexuality change).

probably for the same reason atheists eat their children. . . . .try not to generalize. we aren't the only religion or people group that do look down on homosexuals, and hardly "all" of us behave that way towards homosexuals.

How come if your Gay than you have sinned??? And please don't say any 'because God said so' stuff because i want to hear an actual answer that you came up with

i can't speak for solarwave, but i don't think it's right to pay special attention to homosexuality to the point of oppression.

and it wouldn't be possible to come up with an answer to that question apart from God within the context of christianity because Christianity's ethical system relies on God's nature. God as the standard for morality is not utilitarianism or humanism or whatever you yourself conform to. if solarwave, or you, try to posit a moral without appealing to a standard for morals, he and you will fall into naturalistic is/ought fallacies, and appealing to a moral standard that isn't God within the context of christianity defeats the purpose altogether because then the moral doesn't rely on God, and then God and christianity become unnecessary.

so, in a sense, asking him to remove God from his answer is the same as asking him to conform to the idea that God and christianity are morally unnecessary. it would be like me asking you to explain why you believe something is right or wrong, but telling you that you have to base your answer on the idea that God is the ultimate standard for right and wrong.

 

[HarborOrange]

Like everyone here seems to be, I'm confused.
It'll take a while to explain, but please bear with me:
My family's never been religious. I've never been particularly religious, but I've always been curious. I started getting faith about six months ago, when I properly started studying philosophy, but I still wouldn't call myself religious. That's not really the problem.
The problem is that I consider myself theist, but I refuse to label myself a Christian because I don't have enough faith in the Christian God, and in Christ himself yet. I'm also struggling with my sexuality and I want to accept myself for who I am, which goes against most Chrisitan teaching.
I just feel like I'm a really bad person. I've done a lot of thinking recently, and come to the conclusion that I'm attracted to the same sex because it's wrong to be - like I'm attracted to the idea of sin. When I watch TV or films, I always find myself liking the villains, and I have dreams from their perspective, or with me being invovled with them.
The other day my sister and her boyfriend found a kid lost on the hill and helped him out, but I found myself thinking "it would have been fun to kick him if there was nobody there to see". I pushed the thought out straight away, but I've had loads more like it since. In my head, there's two thoughts constantly fighting - the one that wants to do bad things, that tells me I'm capable of doing them, and the one that tells me I couldn't do it. But I know the first thought is right. I could do these things - I could be a bad person. And sometimes I want to be.
I'm just so confused! Everyone always says "you can't change who you are", but what if who I am is evil? Surely I should try to change that? I'm worried that I can't, and some part of me doesn't want to - like it enjoys being bad!
Please, I need help understanding!

Satan sees that you're vulnerable in areas, if you don't put up your city's walls, he'll surely break them down. He's done exactly that, that's why you're feeling that way, no one is really inherently evil, or wants to do wrong. I mean, it is our nature to sin, but we also have the desire to do good. Sounds like the devil and God are raging inside you right now, and you should start to figure out which side you want to be on, I recommend YHWH's side, as it is the best, I'm sure that if you start having faith in him, your thoughts of doing wrong will surely go away, or at least become less frequent.
Hopefully all turns out well, I have areas in my life that Satan has gotten into, and I've been fighting hard to get him out, and build my walls back up, but it's hard, I know you're pain.
G-d bless.

 

[solarwave]

@solarwave

help me out on this one solarwave. How come christanity seems to be the only religion that sevely looks down on Gays (others may just get irritated and put up with the sexuality change). How come if your Gay than you have sinned??? And please don't say any 'because God said so' stuff because i want to hear an actual answer that you came up with

I wouldn't have thought Islam would be amazingly happy with it ether.
Well I don't know loads about other religions in detail so I'm not sure what they all have to say on the subject.

I think Christianity blows the whole sex thing up a bit too big. It does not look down on homosexuals any more than anyone else who sins. That means everyone.

To be honest I don't have a hugely stong opinion on this on the fact that as far as I know it doesn't have huge earthly consequences and all sin can be forgiven. Also I just havn't looked into it enough. But from a Christian perspective God man and woman to be together and their differences complement each other.

I used to have the sort of arguements you want to hear, but I have forgotten them and I don't care all that much about this issue. I would rather emphasis God's love and acceptance and let a Christian who is gay to make their own decision in light of God.

 

[Exordatius]

To be totally honest, I don't see what is wrong with gay relationships. If the couple is loyal and faithful to each other, if they have all the same qualities of a "straight" couple, then I can't see it as dreadfully sinful. So I don't think that that is your main issue. Just focus on staying close to the light. Pray, talk to god, see if you can get him to help you discern the right path for you. Time and persistence often pays off in faith.

 

[marie.c]

Everyone always says "you can't change who you are", but what if who I am is evil? Surely I should try to change that? I'm worried that I can't, and some part of me doesn't want to - like it enjoys being bad!

You might not be able to change who you are, but God can... at least, in my experience.

And I think you're right about you needing to change... I don't have any firm stance on homosexuality (I used to go to a church where the minister was gay, actually), but the thing with the kid sounds pretty bad...


This might be a strange suggestion, but there's a lot of Christian music about the problem you seem to be describing... about people wanting to change and unable to do it alone, but not being sure how to approach God about it. I don't know what kind of music you like, but anyway, you can probably find this stuff on YouTube. Here are three off the top of my head:

Hymn - Change My Heart, Oh God
Rap - Take Me As I Am by Lecrae
Rock - This Is Who I Am by Third Day


At any rate, you shouldn't rush to make any decisions, because it's important the decision you make is genuine. But if you come to believe and decide to follow God, he promised to change you through Jesus Christ, and make you new.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Like the song by Owl City (it's called Meteor Showers).

I'm not very old (17), so I don't know that much, but (after having been raised in a vaguely Christian home) I've been a Christian since last May. I was a pretty devoted atheist for a while, and I had my own hurdles to get past before I could genuinely accept God in my life... don't give up.

 

[Anonymousftw]

its just the fact that several non-mailstream forms of christinity (and several mainstream ones) have an obcession with Gays, and take the bits of the bible about gays just too literaterly. like gayness is the devil sitting inside your soul or something...

how on earth the devil is supposed to fit into so many cramped spaces at once ill never know...