Help! I feel alone, need some feedback.

[Butterfly2005]

Hello, I am new to this forum. Here is some of my story.
I have been married for 15 1/2 years. I am a Christian, my husband is not. Neither of us were living for the Lord when we married.

The past 3 years of our marriage have been an ultimate struggle. He is verbally abusive to my son and I. Calling my son and I awful names, cussing at us and at times ignoring us to the point that you feel like you are in the way. For years my husband would kiss me every morning before he left for work. That stopped approx 1 year ago. He has emotional withdrawn from me. No kissing, huggging, snuggling, etc. He is also very addicted to pornography but will not admit to this. I have no evidence of a physical affair. I feel so alone and hopeless. I have prayed and I continue to pray for Him and the marriage but, my husband wants nothing to do with church and pretty much blames me for everything wrong in our marriage. I know I am not perfect but a marriage is between 2 people not one. Instead of things getting better over the years they have went downhill fast.
I feel I have done what I can in this relationship. He doesn't seem to want a divorce and I do not know what to do. His outburst scare me and my son has told me he would rather us divorce than go on living like this. I love the Lord with all my heart and I do not want to displease Him. I feel that I am at the end of my rope. I love my husband and I know he needs the Lord but my husband just views me as silly. Please some feedback. Has anyone out there been through this? I do not know how much more I can take. I know God said He wouldn't put anymore on us than we could handle. I am so confused.

 

[maxiii]

You have found the right place, the advice you will get is right out of the Bible and right on the money. You should also go to New Life Ministries on the internet. Have you read Lee and Leslie Stroubel's book Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch? It is a must.

How are you doing with a good church for you and the child? Do you have good support?

My marriage is in bad shape like yours so I intentionally will let the wise people jump in here and give you some good advice.

My advice is, God is good, God is bigger than your problems and you have found the right place.

Wait on the Lord, right here. I predict you will feel better in a few days of these great people showing you some love.

 

[Butterfly2005]

maxxiii thanks.

I am so glad I found this place. I have a great church family but it is hard for them to truly understand what I am going through. Depression is setting in big time. I know the Lord will help me and I will be fine, but it still hurts going through this.
Also thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out. Please pray that things will work out the way God intends.

 

[Kawaii]

Hi Butterfly,

I'm new here too. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I can feel the pain and hurt in your words.

I'm no expert in this area (far from it actually) but I'm sure someone here who has experienced this can chime in. I can only give you my own opinion, so here goes....

You wrote:
"verbally abusive to my son and I"
"cussing at us and at times ignoring us"
"emotional withdrawn from me"
"very addicted to pornography"
"outburst scare me and my son"

This is NOT good. It's not healthy for you and your son to live with day after day. Think about your son. Is this environment hurting/damaging your child? It must, right? You wrote, "my son has told me he would rather us divorce than go on living like this."

As I said, I could only think about what I would do, and I would do what is best for my child. I would separate. I wouldn't want my child to endure another day of verbal abuse, outbursts or cussing. Perhaps, while you are separated, your husband is willing to get counseling, and then see where that goes. But try to think clearly, be strong, for your son.

Just my own thoughts. You are in my prayers tonight. God will not abandon you. He loves you and will help you through this.

 

[kayd1966]

Welcome to CF Butterfly2005;

We are on a difficult path...life is never easy when we choose Jesus over the world but we are never alone. We may feel alone but when satan feeds us that lie, we need to remember and cling to Jesus' promise that He would NEVER leave us or forsake us.

Read through the other threads in the corner of the forum...there is a lot of advice and encouragement...I read through many of them, I have them saved in my favorites so that I can refer to them when I need to be reminded that Jesus loves ME and He died for ME, and I am HIS child and HE is my Father and Protector.

I'm sorry that your son is feeling unsafe and unwanted...does he go to church with you? How old is he? If he's youth group age...is there a good supportive youth group or sunday school teacher that can provide a Christian male figure for him? They may not 'understand' what you are going through but they can pray with you and for you, they can check in on you and your son to make sure you are ok. Do you feel that your husband would physically hurt you or your son? Have the two of you talked about seperating or divorcing? I'm just trying to assess where you two are at...the Bible is clear that if the unbelieving spouse is willing to live with the believing spouse then we are to stay and live in peace (1 Cor. 7:15)...I believe that the key to these verses is the live in peace portion. Ps 34:14 says we are to pursue peace, Romans 14:19 tells us to do what leads to peace. Living in peace is difficult to attain if only one of you is trying to live that way...if he is withdrawn from you, mean to you and your son...why is he staying?

I am praying for all of you...you have a lot to consider and pray about because you have your son to think about. His safety and well being needs to come first.

 

[Butterfly2005]

thanks to everyone
my son is 11 years old and we both attend church faithfully together. I just want to do what God what's me to. I struggle with just hang on a little longer God will surely get to Him. I know God hears my prayers but my husband has a will of his own and he has to make the choice to listen to the voice of God. It breaks my heart for my son to endure this.
My pastor and most of my church family doesn't know the extent of my situation. At times I wonder what am I doing wrong. Why is my witness to my husband not working.
Butterfly

 

[~Nikki~]

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation.

I think the best thing to do is to follow God's instructions on the matter, and here they are...

1 Peter 3
1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. 3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel-- 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

My MIL followed these instructions and it took 12 years, but my FIL is now a keen committed Christian who is growing so fast in his walk with God that it's like he's making up for lost time.

I know that it was difficult for my MIL, but I also know she's the happiest she's ever been and would say for sure that it was worth the wait.

God bless you...

 

[Butterfly2005]

Please continue to pray things are still unstable and I don't really know what will happen. I feel like I am in limbo.

 

[WashedClean]

Lord, help Butterfly during this difficult time in her marriage. Give her your peace and comfort that passes all understanding. Give her the strength to wait on you and see your perfect will. I ask you to provide Christian friends for her support. Help her husband see Jesus in her and break down the hostility and anger in his heart with your love. Your word says it's your goodness that leads men to repent. I pray for the gift of repentance for Butterfly's husband. In the most precious name of Jesus. Amen.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I don't know what's wrong with me, I come to this forum at least once a day and have totally missed thies thread.

Firts take comfort in knowing there mare many praying for you tonight especially the women who have posted here.

Am I correct in understaning your first post that you have been saved for 3 years?

You say your witness to you DH is not working.....we are supposed to witness, but it is the HOly Spirit that will convict him and give him a repentful heart.

these are questions if you answer we may be able to help you more specifically, if you chose to answer them to yourself you might find the answer without our input

How strong is you walk?

Do you study your Bible everyday?
Do you have a pray list every you pray through daily?
Is your husbands salvation at the top of it?
Why?


moving on, what is it that you've changed about you that would be a witness to him?

Are you more joyful, more patient? more loving or compassionate? Have you become the new creature in Christ so much so that there is no doubt in DH that you are different?

Are oyu following God's guidlines as far as marriage goes?

First and formost, have you in your heart just between you and God forgiven DH for the ugliness that comes out of his mouth and let go of the built up anger that fumes beneath when we are under attack from those who are supposed to love us?

The power of a praying wife is an excellent book I would highly recommend if for nothing but the first chapter which addresses this very eloquently.

boundries in marriage by Dr's cloud and townsend would also be a good handbook for you, but what I would recommend the most is the bible study the heart that makes the home by darlene and bruce wilkenson, (the man who wrote the prayer of Jabez)

If we are to witness to our husbands we need to follow God's example of a godly marriage.....

forgive me if I have over stepped my bounds, I was unclear on where you are with your situation and so started from the ground up.....no matter how long we've been married or Christians, sometimes it helps to go back to the drawing board just to figure out which way we went and if we took a wron g turn, may God bless you, please know you are being prayed for and hold God's word close to your heart, and have faith His promises are true

 

[AbidingInHim]

By the way I would also discuss that need for forgiving with your son, he's probably not as willing to forgive and if he doesn't see the need it will break out in all sorts of ugly ways, maybe not for years, discuss what God has called us a believer to do as far as loving your enemies, forgiving one another, loving one another, use scripture to talk to him about it, that is like mediating between what God says and what he needs to hear pray first, have the scirpture prepared


One other thing, don't be ashamed to ask for prayer form your church, I unknowing witness to a woman who repeated use dmy testimony just because I asked for pray for my DH....God can use your testimony in ways you will never know, but not if you keep it all to yourselr, we are supposed to pray for one another, that means we are supposed to share our vulneralbe areas with others too

 

[kayd1966]

Butterfly, I am praying for you...please let us know how you are doing.

Roxanna is right...there are a lot of things that I have been going though and I had to realize that God was working in me.

 

[WashedClean]

Roxanna - thanks for that checklist! I needed to ask myself those questions.

Butterfly - still praying for you... please let us know how it's going if you can.

 

[bliz]

Buterfly -

Is it possible for you and your son to move to a safe location? I am not suggesting divorce. I am simply suggesting that you and he need to be in a safe enviroment as you continue to work on your marriage.

Frankly, the one who is most at risk right now is your son. Boys who live in such situations have a very high rate of behaving exactly the same way as their fathers did when they become adults, as much as they hated it when they are young.

Enduring this abuse does not bring glory to God.

 

[cjba]

Lifting up your family in prayer