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Help - how can I get past this?
- Thread starter boona
- Start date
texastig
The diablo is in the phone booth dialing 911
Only if he asked for forgiveness before dying.
Probably not.
Yes, forgive him. You can do it this way. Father, in Jesus Name I forgive my husband for all of the hurtful things he did to me. Father, thank you that you have released me from unforgiveness.
The trust was broken between you both but since he is gone, make God your husband. He will never leave you or forsake you or lie to you. Find Christian friends and fellowship.
I don't think anyone knows.
Yes. Just make sure next time you don't fall for someones words. Also, there's other fish in the sea and since your husband passed on, you can get married again. Do all that through prayer.
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DoctorJosh
Active Member
We don't know his personal life with God so if he asked for Forgiveness before his death, he would have been forgiven. But if he did not and of course used women, was not even a follower of God and perhaps didn't believe since most who do not believe will worship money instead of God. That is up to God to decide.
You are not the first and surely not the last to be misled by their husband, boyfriend or friend in any case. However, Africa is known to have a high rate of corruption and fraud, thus there is always a warning on some dating sites as to whom you should be careful in talking to or even meeting. Mostly in any case if you meet someone and you end up paying for everything, the odds are you are being used.
Now to get over this. Well in any hurt feelings we tend to put up our guard, feel resentment, even hate to defend our own feelings and that is natural for your mind, body and heart wanting to defend itself since hurt is like a virus and in most cases it just takes time to heal.
Keep yourself close to God. Read the word as much as possible and try to get involved in the Church. If people ask about the father of the child, you just say he passed away. Nothing more needs to be said to dig up the past in Church. The most important thing is doing what is right for you and your child, that you need to keep your head straight and focused on working towards your future and providing the child with a future. Get out and get some exercise, go to the parks with your child, go to Church events and keep your mind busy and you can still look for another man, but just become friends with him for a while first before letting your trust take over.
The number one cure to heal any painful memory is getting out and doing something active that is good for you and also good for your child. Even getting involved in community clubs, social events that involve single parents, Church and Church events are great, and focus on your dreams that you wanted to do as well, but incorporate it in with your child being around since you don't want to be a stranger to your child. Some take online college courses that are free in the evenings. Now, it helps to pamper yourself as well. If you have family that can watch your child for a few hours there, then go out and get your hair or nails done, go soak in a nice bubble bath with candles and or even go to the beach and soak up some sun if it is near by.
If you are a new Christian you may find that involving yourself into the Church more and doing things for God, helping others in their struggles also helps heal yourself faster too.
Forgiveness:
You will have to find it in yourself to Forgiven him, though maybe he did Love you, but he just used other women. He was not loyal, but with any cheating husband the woman must Forgive, but still can throw him out on the street because there is no more trust to be given to that man who cheated. Even women for that matter since there are plenty of women who do the same. What the process of Forgiving him is doing is freeing yourself from that chain with him of hate. God wants us all to forgive even our enemies. In order for us to receive Forgiveness we must forgive others. There will still be the hurt for some time, but you will heal and you will find another to Love that will treat you right and be loyal to you. But..whom you pick is up to you and you need to know everything you can about that person, even do some research on them to find out if they are telling the truth.
Why do people do this to each other? They figure there is no prison for cheating and if they think they know the other is not going to do much about it then they figure they can get away with it with just a slap on the face and they hope they other never finds out about it. Well, as it says, the Truth will always come out. One day sooner or later, the Truth will be known. Why people try to hide things from the other is because they think they can, but as in the news, in blogs, on facebook, on forums and the friends around us they always find out things about the other that the other was trying to keep secret.
Yes, you have a special life to take care of. It doesn't really matter now how many children he had with other women if he did so, because now you have someone that really needs you to take care of them.
The nice thing about your own child is they offer so much love back to you and you will spend almost half that child's lifetime with that child teaching them how to be better.
When meeting another man to date:
The dating process tells you a lot about the person you are dating. If they are seeing more than one person, go find someone else. If they cannot be loyal even during dating and date only one person at a time, they will not be loyal during marriage.
You have to make things perfectly clear that there is punishment when a man cheats on you. That if they do, there is zero tolerance and they will be out the door. Sure you will forgive them, but they will never find love or trust from you again. In your case, he won't be coming around again. The problem about dating someone that travels a lot with out you is that they will find other ways to find comfort while they are away. Usually it leads to an affair or three. Finding someone local that has a daily job that is home every night is essential to a good marriage. It is not 100 percent affair proof, but that should be made clear about the zero tolerance policy when he is with you. (For future reference.)
However, the sad part is the child may ask about their father. I would tell them the truth, that he died and that he was not faithful when the time is right. But also mention you forgive him (if you do) and you can share some history of the father with the child so they at least know something about him. By that time you will be able to talk about it with your child since it won't affect you by then as much or even at all.
I know it is never easy, words only go so far, but the choice is yours how you will handle it. How you go about healing yourself is up to you.
I wish you well and God Bless you and your child.
In the future you may be able to help another woman who goes through a similar thing.
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May your wounds heal from such deceit 
You've been betrayed in some worst ways! Have you considered seeking some counseling to help you along? Or maybe talk with your pastor?
You've been betrayed in some worst ways! Have you considered seeking some counseling to help you along? Or maybe talk with your pastor?
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banish'd
Shekinah Glory
- Feb 6, 2010
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boona,
First, I have been widowed for almost 30 years now, and I can't imagine someone forgetting about a person who they were married to. I think about my first wife all the time, and I have a pure heart without any hate towards her.
For me it was the other way around. It was my wife who was unfaithful, and I was the self righteous one. My first wife was very romantic, so she fell in love quite a few times during the 70's sexual revolution. Like my mother used to tell me, "you married her." Anyway, that marriage survived 15 years until she finally died.
Naturally, when I selected my second wife I took corrective action. Like, I made sure that I married one that wouldn't run around on me. But truthfully, I put a lot more effort into being a lady's man with my second wife.
Maybe you can learn something from my experiences? The sin that was in your late husbands life is between him and God. Ask yourself, "why am I carrying his sins in my heart? " Why ruin your life worrying about what your late husband did? Your next man wont want to hear about it.
.
First, I have been widowed for almost 30 years now, and I can't imagine someone forgetting about a person who they were married to. I think about my first wife all the time, and I have a pure heart without any hate towards her.
For me it was the other way around. It was my wife who was unfaithful, and I was the self righteous one. My first wife was very romantic, so she fell in love quite a few times during the 70's sexual revolution. Like my mother used to tell me, "you married her." Anyway, that marriage survived 15 years until she finally died.
Naturally, when I selected my second wife I took corrective action. Like, I made sure that I married one that wouldn't run around on me. But truthfully, I put a lot more effort into being a lady's man with my second wife.
Maybe you can learn something from my experiences? The sin that was in your late husbands life is between him and God. Ask yourself, "why am I carrying his sins in my heart? " Why ruin your life worrying about what your late husband did? Your next man wont want to hear about it.
.
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Wells Marsh
Active Member
Dear boona;
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.
This may seem easier said than done, but you get past this by asking the Lord to help you. This will be a process and include: Forgiving your husband, Casting the care of everything your husband ever did onto the Lord, and Trusting in the Lord to heal you.
Keeping your thoughts in line with God’s Word (Philippians 4:8) will stop you from dwelling on things that keep you from putting the past behind you. Practice Philippians 4:8 until you get good at it. This will speed up the whole process of getting your peace restored and facing your future with joy. The Lord will bring you to the place where thoughts of your husband no longer hurt you.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Your husband was obviously deceived in many ways and under the influence of the enemy. Only God knows if he was born again or not. You really should not concern yourself with these matters. You should draw a line between your past and future and step over into your and your daughter’s future.
“May the Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)
WM
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.
This may seem easier said than done, but you get past this by asking the Lord to help you. This will be a process and include: Forgiving your husband, Casting the care of everything your husband ever did onto the Lord, and Trusting in the Lord to heal you.
Keeping your thoughts in line with God’s Word (Philippians 4:8) will stop you from dwelling on things that keep you from putting the past behind you. Practice Philippians 4:8 until you get good at it. This will speed up the whole process of getting your peace restored and facing your future with joy. The Lord will bring you to the place where thoughts of your husband no longer hurt you.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Your husband was obviously deceived in many ways and under the influence of the enemy. Only God knows if he was born again or not. You really should not concern yourself with these matters. You should draw a line between your past and future and step over into your and your daughter’s future.
“May the Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)
WM
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I am sorry you went through that.. but it did give you your precious daughter, so perhaps it was a good thing over all
Forgiveness is very hard, but it is possible, because you have the Spirit of God, and He is a Spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation. It may take a while before you 'feel' it, but the will is what is important.
Meanwhile, enjoy your daughter, carry on with your life, make new friends, and above all, keep close to God and grow in Him. He does have a plan for your life, sweetie, and it is good.
Praying for you
Forgiveness is very hard, but it is possible, because you have the Spirit of God, and He is a Spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation. It may take a while before you 'feel' it, but the will is what is important.
Meanwhile, enjoy your daughter, carry on with your life, make new friends, and above all, keep close to God and grow in Him. He does have a plan for your life, sweetie, and it is good.
Praying for you
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Sketcher
Born Imperishable
God forgives people when they genuinely confess and renounce their sins. Saving faith in Christ requires this.
None of us know if he did this in the last minutes of his life. And whatever decision God made concerning him is final. Whether he knows that you know the truth about him now doesn't matter - if he got saved and went to Heaven, you two will reconcile. If he didn't, his opinion doesn't matter anyway.
You should release this pain to God, and release his fate to God as well. One way or another, he now wishes he had never done what he did to you. He's either paying for it, or that's not him anymore.
Moving on, please know that there are lots of men in the church who are not lying cheats like this guy was. Many, many people unfortunately who are big on the talk use it as a disguise, and most of them are probably not believers. God changes scamsters into honest and humble people, they won't be exhibiting the deceiving behavior that this guy did. As you go to church, I would hope that you meet Christian men who show you what honesty and humility really look like. They won't be talking about how good they are, or even about how bad they are. They'll be quietly doing the right thing, choosing to let their actions speak for them rather than their words. If they see a need, they'll meet it without talking about themselves. They'll have integrity, and not play the Christian superman one day while acting like a player the next. All those good things that are preached in church - they'll live it in their day-to-day lives.
None of us know if he did this in the last minutes of his life. And whatever decision God made concerning him is final. Whether he knows that you know the truth about him now doesn't matter - if he got saved and went to Heaven, you two will reconcile. If he didn't, his opinion doesn't matter anyway.
You should release this pain to God, and release his fate to God as well. One way or another, he now wishes he had never done what he did to you. He's either paying for it, or that's not him anymore.
Moving on, please know that there are lots of men in the church who are not lying cheats like this guy was. Many, many people unfortunately who are big on the talk use it as a disguise, and most of them are probably not believers. God changes scamsters into honest and humble people, they won't be exhibiting the deceiving behavior that this guy did. As you go to church, I would hope that you meet Christian men who show you what honesty and humility really look like. They won't be talking about how good they are, or even about how bad they are. They'll be quietly doing the right thing, choosing to let their actions speak for them rather than their words. If they see a need, they'll meet it without talking about themselves. They'll have integrity, and not play the Christian superman one day while acting like a player the next. All those good things that are preached in church - they'll live it in their day-to-day lives.
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What a traumatic thing to go through. Your mind must be dashing in all directions these days.
Give it time. There is no natural way that things can seem normal or sensible right away, as this brought multiple shocks. God designed brains to manage things very gracefully, even though it might not seem that way now.
It is always hard to imagine life as different. But circumstances continually change, and it will be easier to see life as normal a month, a year, three years from now.
In scriptures, God does not overlook oppressors. He is willing to forgive, but not without repentance. Imagine an abuser in Heaven, with God. And with people who earnestly want a righteous life. It is not a good fit. But God is always willing to forgive. It would have been your husband's choice, whether to open his heart to God or not. I suspect that if he lied about being a pastor, then he probably lied about being a Christian. But that is not my right to declare.
I think it is fine that you are thanking God for this freedom. Jesus came to set the captives free. It is a concern of His. The more you read the Bible, the more you will see how very protective God is over people. It will probably help you be free of anger if you know that God is standing by you in this, and not overlooking the man's offenses. Very thoughtless offenses.
It is important that your anger does not overtake you. Rise above the situation that is past, and be ready to move on. Shake it off. There is not much value you can try to extract from the situation, so just clean up the paperwork and start your new life. Take a long nap first.
About whether God caused this or not, I believe that God keeps a protective shield around each of us, and can lift that shield to get our attention. I know of some people who were counseling others with a cult-like teachings, who died early; I think there was some of God's grace involved in protecting others. In that case, the deceased had tried to follow what they knew of God, and were probably held accountable but forgiven through God's grace.
His promises are sure. God's scriptural promises are worth reading about.
Give it time. There is no natural way that things can seem normal or sensible right away, as this brought multiple shocks. God designed brains to manage things very gracefully, even though it might not seem that way now.
That is exactly what I was thinking. I am sorry to say that, but he could pay someone to write up the death certificate. Look into separating yourself legally from him, so you will not incur his debts and he will not claim rights to your income if he is still alive. The mess could fester or grow.Gary said:
Criada said:
It is always hard to imagine life as different. But circumstances continually change, and it will be easier to see life as normal a month, a year, three years from now.
In scriptures, God does not overlook oppressors. He is willing to forgive, but not without repentance. Imagine an abuser in Heaven, with God. And with people who earnestly want a righteous life. It is not a good fit. But God is always willing to forgive. It would have been your husband's choice, whether to open his heart to God or not. I suspect that if he lied about being a pastor, then he probably lied about being a Christian. But that is not my right to declare.
I think it is fine that you are thanking God for this freedom. Jesus came to set the captives free. It is a concern of His. The more you read the Bible, the more you will see how very protective God is over people. It will probably help you be free of anger if you know that God is standing by you in this, and not overlooking the man's offenses. Very thoughtless offenses.
It is important that your anger does not overtake you. Rise above the situation that is past, and be ready to move on. Shake it off. There is not much value you can try to extract from the situation, so just clean up the paperwork and start your new life. Take a long nap first.
About whether God caused this or not, I believe that God keeps a protective shield around each of us, and can lift that shield to get our attention. I know of some people who were counseling others with a cult-like teachings, who died early; I think there was some of God's grace involved in protecting others. In that case, the deceased had tried to follow what they knew of God, and were probably held accountable but forgiven through God's grace.
His promises are sure. God's scriptural promises are worth reading about.
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hisoneandonly
Newbie
It's hard to figure out where you are in life, and you shouldn't worry about your past... It really stinks what he did to you, but you can't keep blaming yourself or him for it, it's over, and IT must hurt. I bet it's one of the hardest thing, anybody can go through... but you definitely need to get past this... pray about it, I will pray for you... Find your path, wherever it is..
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heymikey80
Quidquid Latine dictum sit, altum viditur
Some thoughts...
Counterfeits indicate the value of the real thing. A fake pound is a hard thing to deal with; but you wouldn't want to throw away all the real pounds that come your way because you ran across a fake.
You know some of the real value given how you esteemed this person, and the depth of confusion it's caused now that he's found to be false. Don't quit valuing those things -- just understand that their real value, when true, don't always secure you from other false things, either. A pastor is just as vulnerable to fall as a counterfeit pastor -- he's just attacked a lot more.
In one sense we're all corrupted, we're all "damaged goods". We all sin. But not all sin so seriously against this closest of relationships, and indeed against God's own example of relationship (Ep 5:22ff).
Concentrate on your beautiful child; learn; grow; grow with God. God can deal with your hurts. He knows you. He'll help you comprehend and process through these many different hurts. And He'll send people to help.
Counterfeits indicate the value of the real thing. A fake pound is a hard thing to deal with; but you wouldn't want to throw away all the real pounds that come your way because you ran across a fake.
You know some of the real value given how you esteemed this person, and the depth of confusion it's caused now that he's found to be false. Don't quit valuing those things -- just understand that their real value, when true, don't always secure you from other false things, either. A pastor is just as vulnerable to fall as a counterfeit pastor -- he's just attacked a lot more.
In one sense we're all corrupted, we're all "damaged goods". We all sin. But not all sin so seriously against this closest of relationships, and indeed against God's own example of relationship (Ep 5:22ff).
Concentrate on your beautiful child; learn; grow; grow with God. God can deal with your hurts. He knows you. He'll help you comprehend and process through these many different hurts. And He'll send people to help.
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Time will more than likely heal your wounds. I would recommend that you pour as little salt on those wounds as you can...And when you from time to time look at the scars it will leave on your heart...Just replace the pain with the joy of your daughter.
1 step at a time.
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