help help help grr

[emmab]

i am getting MAD at this ed and i know its a good thing but it sucks
i keep having moments of its time to kick this ed but then it slips away and i am way too scared to change.
its getting worse..although i have maintained weight for a month and not lost, its taking over more of my life ie i think about it more and i want to quit my job but leave kids in daycare etc so i can stay home with my ed behaviour and i know that is really shameful. i feel like i am pushing everyone and everything away. even though i know what it is costing me the &#*$^@* ed still seems attractive god am i dumb or what!!!
ive had this for sixteen years and abnormality has become my normality so i cant even remember a life not obsessed by food etc
i have begun to realise that my ed is maybe partly a symptom of discontentment
another part is that i have four children but keep wanting more, as if one more baby will be enough to satisfy me
just like another (one less) pound will be enough
why cant i ever be satisfied. more to the point why cant (I let) God satisfy me. it is totally wrong but i feel the ed is the most satisfying thing i can have even though i know its a false satisfaction
am seeing counsellor again on wed and will ask about inpatient options here in nz
how do you get that last needed ounce of motivation to make the first step
i feel like a car stuck in mud that is revving the tyres but they are just spinning and need a push to make it out of the bog and move forward and get unstuck
ok rant over!

 

[blessedmomof5]

Go Get the Help......sounds like you want to but not sure yet, even if you are thinking about it, u must want it, but there is ed in your head saying no not yet......do not listen to him......
now ur bulmic from your last post? cause u said ed i was not to sure which , i do know from experience bulimia brings your electolites down and can give you a heart attack......trust me i know......
ana is no diffrent.....you starve and your heart gives out anyway......
please when u see your dr, be truthful and get the help u so deserve......keep us /me posted.....and good luck to you!

 

[emmab]

thanks

i have a combo i guess
i restrict but also (gross) chew and spit food and purge afterwards
i do eat at least one good meal a day without purging
i did tell doc everything incl purging and asked for electrolytes levels but he only did iron, cholesterol etc i was SO mad, he said i would prob "come right" when my kids all at school ie in 2009! even tho he knows i've had this since i was 18!
I do sometimes get VERY vague chest heaviness which worries me

 

[blessedmomof5]

just so u know my chest pain was a heart attack waiting to happen, low potassium, maybe you should find a new dr??? the ER if it gets worse?