Help from those divorced with kids...

[chingchang]

Those who have gone though a divorce with kids: I need your help.

I'm married with a 7 and 5 yo. I love my wife dearly and am very attracted to her. We've been married 9.5 years. Unfortunately...our marriage has been a rocky one emotionally. She really isn't that in to me and doesn't have much desire for me. Without getting too into our situation...which is a heart-breaker for me...I ask for your help/guidance. Specifically...I've become convinced that we are about to get divorced. I don't want that...she says she doesn't want that either (but if you catch her in a different mood...she wants one). The main (not the only) reason I'm having so much heart-ache over this situation is because of my kids. I love them very much and have been there since day 1 being instrumental in their daily care. I changed diapers...read to them...play with them...taught them...talked to them about God...and just loved them. I don't want to wake up in the morning in an empty house and not be able to see my kids except for twice a week. I also don't want them to have to deal with the emotional trauma involved in seeing their parents get divorced. My wife and I would be very civil to each other and have an "o.k." relationship after a divorce...which would make it easier on our kids...but it would still suck. For many years I have felt like I was trapped in this situation...but I held-out with hope (and MANY prayers)...that my wife could change and love/desire me. But...she can't/won't. We're going to go to marriage counsceling next week...but I'll be honest...it won't help. Sure...we could work on the symptoms...but I'd still be left with the broader illness...which is that my wife didn't want to marry me to begin with and has a very hard time being around people with my personality type. I have prayed to God for miracles...and am still waiting for one.

My question is this: is it possible to divorce and for my kids to be o.k.? I would still be active in their lives and see them each week...but they really need me. What can I do???

Hugs and thanks,
CC

 

[DZoolander]

What's your personality type, and why did she marry you if she didn't want to?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Lots of kids come from divorced homes and survive. But, really it sucks that it happens so much.

You're praying for a miracle, but you say you know counseling won't help. I don't think your attitude is helping the situation. Is your wife a Christian and are you attending a church that can help you grow? God can perform miracles and if she was willing, she could ask God to give her the love and desire needed to make your marriage stronger. I think you need to ask God for more faith and discernment on what you could do to help this situation.

Congratulations on seeking help with counseling. Hopefully you'll get a good one the first time out, but don't be afraid to try another if necessary. Oh, and I hope you're reading the Bible every day. That's a source of strength and wisdom that is very powerful.

 

[~Lynz~]

some people do acatlly ge thought these really hardt times... there is living proof of it on the forum.

you have tot both wan to fix things and try you best with th counculin etc.

if u wan to be a agood parent ven if u dont live witht hte kids then be a god parent try and see them as much as possible. as long as you and your wife can work out the best for the kids then everythign will be fine.

but i would say dont be so egar to throw in the towel.

 

[Svt4Him]

My wife and I are separating next week. Let me tell you to do whatever is in your power to do to fix it, as once the decision is made, there's no going back. Sad for me, I realized that too late, don't make the same mistake.

 

[chingchang]

What's your personality type, and why did she marry you if she didn't want to?

I'm an INTJ Why did she marry me? She says she was afraid to say no...

Thanks for your interest and help.

Hugs,
chingchang

 

[chingchang]

Lots of kids come from divorced homes and survive. But, really it sucks that it happens so much.

I know...and it pains me.

You're praying for a miracle, but you say you know counseling won't help. I don't think your attitude is helping the situation.

I agree. I'm just so frutstrated at this point and I've lost patience.

Is your wife a Christian and are you attending a church that can help you grow?

Yes...we are both followers of Yeshua...but at the present time we are not members of a Corporate Church. We are part of "The Church"...that is...the body of believers who belong to Yeshua. We outgrew the conservative evangelical church we attended for 5.5 years and are still in the process of finding a group of believers to hook-up-with.

God can perform miracles and if she was willing, she could ask God to give her the love and desire needed to make your marriage stronger.

She's been doing that for YEARS.

I think you need to ask God for more faith and discernment on what you could do to help this situation.

Thanks...I agree.

Congratulations on seeking help with counseling. Hopefully you'll get a good one the first time out, but don't be afraid to try another if necessary.

Yup.

Oh, and I hope you're reading the Bible every day. That's a source of strength and wisdom that is very powerful.

Good advice...thanks again!

Hugs Sister,
chingchang

 

[chingchang]

some people do acatlly ge thought these really hardt times... there is living proof of it on the forum.

you have tot both wan to fix things and try you best with th counculin etc.

if u wan to be a agood parent ven if u dont live witht hte kids then be a god parent try and see them as much as possible. as long as you and your wife can work out the best for the kids then everythign will be fine.

but i would say dont be so egar to throw in the towel.

Thanks. I'm definitely not eager to throw-in-the-towel. We've been like this for YEARS. I really think...based on the past up to present...that there will be NO change. It would take a miracle...which I'm obviously open to. Surely it can't be God's desire for us to be miserable for the rest of our marriage...or for us to be divorced. So...I have to pray that God will change us...otherwise the enemy is going to win...and soon.

Hugs,
CC

 

[chingchang]

My wife and I are separating next week. Let me tell you to do whatever is in your power to do to fix it, as once the decision is made, there's no going back. Sad for me, I realized that too late, don't make the same mistake.

Hugs Brother. Sad indeed. I know this and that is part of the reason we're not divorced yet. Once the decision is made...there is no going back. I realize this. I'm pretty miserable though...and I gotta wonder if I'd be less miserable as a single man...

Hugs,
CC

 

[eatenbylocusts]

My wife and I are separating next week. Let me tell you to do whatever is in your power to do to fix it, as once the decision is made, there's no going back. Sad for me, I realized that too late, don't make the same mistake.

How can this be scheduled and it's not something you want? Have you asked any prayer warriors to pray over this situation with you? Ask for help.

Yes...we are both followers of Yeshua...but at the present time we are not members of a Corporate Church. We are part of "The Church"...that is...the body of believers who belong to Yeshua. We outgrew the conservative evangelical church we attended for 5.5 years and are still in the process of finding a group of believers to hook-up-with.

My suggestion is to pray to God to direct you to the right church and start searching like it's important. The Bible tells us not to forsake the fellowship of other believers. If you were hooked up with a good church right now they would be praying for you and helping you.
You are also supposed to be using your God-given gifts to serve the body of Christ. If you're aren't doing that you are depriving the body. No more excuses. Find one.

No church means no accountability, at least on this Earth. If I sound harsh, it's because I finally found the right church at 41 years of age and going to church since birth. There is no substitute for a church that teaches the Word and urges its members to live what the Bible says. I've attended four churches on a regular basis and the differences between those and where I am now is unbelievable.

 

[chingchang]

My suggestion is to pray to God to direct you to the right church and start searching like it's important. The Bible tells us not to forsake the fellowship of other believers. If you were hooked up with a good church right now they would be praying for you and helping you.

Yes...they would be praying. I personally don't think that would make a difference...for God can hear the cry of myself and my wife...and we've been praying for years. I don't think he waits until a certain number of people have prayed a specific number of times (some threshold) and then decides to act. BTW...we have not forsaken the fellowship. We fellowship with each other and other Christians we know.

Matt 18:20 (NIV):
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

You are also supposed to be using your God-given gifts to serve the body of Christ. If you're aren't doing that you are depriving the body.

How do you know I'm not? Why would I deprive myself? The body is everywhere...and there are MANY within the walls of corporate churches that are not part of the body.

No more excuses. Find one.

You never know...maybe we will. I have serious issues with religion though...and specifically the bogus doctrine being taught in Churches and how it detracts from the central message that Yeshua brought to us:

John 13:34-35 (KJV):
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

When I find a Church where love (and freedom) is the central message (Yeshua's greatest command and the fulfillment of the law)...then I'll sign-up.

No church means no accountability, at least on this Earth. If I sound harsh, it's because I finally found the right church at 41 years of age and going to church since birth.

Not true. The Holy Spirit holds me accounable via my conscious...my wife and other believers I know. If we didn't have the anointing of the Holy Spirit...you'd be correct.

There is no substitute for a church that teaches the Word and urges its members to live what the Bible says.

1 John 2:27 (NIV):
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

By "the Word" I assume you mean "the Bible". I know what the Bible says...I have read it and continue to read it. A corporate church can teach all kinds of things...much of which is debateable or outright false. I don't need a Pastor to teach me...I have the Holy Spirit and a thirst for truth.

All that said...the issues that my wife and I had were there during the 5.5 years we spent at our conservative evangelical church...and nothing improved. Perhaps it is not in God's will for our marriage to be good because it wasn't in his will for us to be married to begin with?

CC

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Yes...they would be praying. I personally don't think that would make a difference...for God can hear the cry of myself and my wife...and we've been praying for years. I don't think he waits until a certain number of people have prayed a specific number of times (some threshold) and then decides to act. BTW...we have not forsaken the fellowship. We fellowship with each other and other Christians we know.

Matt 18:20 (NIV):
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

If the two of you were united as a couple in prayer, I doubt you'd be in the situation you are in now. Are you really going to tell me that you and your wife have come together in prayer and prayed together that God would save your marriage and to transform each one of you to be a better spouse, etc?
I don't believe a certain number of prayers are needed. Someone in the right church might have discernment in your situation.


How do you know I'm not? Why would I deprive myself? The body is everywhere...and there are MANY within the walls of corporate churches that are not part of the body.
I said if you are not serving. I see you don't mention where you're serving though. The problem is, there are only two adults in your house. I doubt between the two of you that you have all of the gifts. Do you and your wife know what your spiritual gifts are? If you don't, I say again you need to find a Biblically sound church that will help you grow.


You never know...maybe we will. I have serious issues with religion though...and specifically the bogus doctrine being taught in Churches and how it detracts from the central message that Yeshua brought to us:

How many times have we heard this excuse? I worship God in the forrest, yadda, yadda. I love God, not religion. You will never find a perfect church because it is made up of imperfect people. I didn't suggest you pick any church, I strongly urge you to find a Biblically sound church. There's a big difference.


Not true. The Holy Spirit holds me accounable via my conscious...my wife and other believers I know. If we didn't have the anointing of the Holy Spirit...you'd be correct.

Bull! Gee, if that was enough we wouldn't be sinning. Unfortunately we often don't hear the Holy Spirit until after the sin is done because sometimes we just fall into it (we think). I for one have ignored the Holy Spirit when I was involved in an ongoing sin. Had I been in different circumstances and growing I might not have crossed the line in the first place.


By "the Word" I assume you mean "the Bible". I know what the Bible says...I have read it and continue to read it. A corporate church can teach all kinds of things...much of which is debateable or outright false. I don't need a Pastor to teach me...I have the Holy Spirit and a thirst for truth.

The fact that you state up above that you don't believe prayer will make a difference tells me you certainly do need a good pastor. Do you know what the spiritual gifts are? We do not all have the gifts of pastoring, etc. We should all be reading the Bible and asking for discernment, but you are depriving your family of learning from others. Once again, I didn't say to park yourself in any church. If the church is teaching false things, get the heck out of there.

All that said...the issues that my wife and I had were there during the 5.5 years we spent at our conservative evangelical church...and nothing improved. Perhaps it is not in God's will for our marriage to be good because it wasn't in his will for us to be married to begin with?

CC

You're in the marriage now so it's God's will that you stay there. God hates divorce. Do you realize the responsibility that you have as spiritual leader of the family? You will have to stand before God and account for how you have lead your wife and family. When I first learned that I was blown away. I don't think you realize the seriousness of your job or you wouldn't be making all these excuses for not going to church.

What is the real reason? Too early, they asked one too many times for offering, they asked you to serve on a committe, or maybe they were touching on an area of your life you didn't want to give over to God?

If you really care about your children how can you not find a good church for them at least? Are you sitting down at least once a week giving them what they'd be getting in Sunday school? Are you doing daily Bible reading as a family?

If you really want to save your marriage, then you need to do something different because as you've said nothing has changed in 5.5 years. Why would it change if you're just doing the same things over and over?

Get on your knees and pray with a humble heart and ask God to direct you. It's not my job to convince you. If you aren't hearing the Holy Spirit then this is an exercise in futility on my part. Consider your family though.

 

[chingchang]

You're in the marriage now so it's God's will that you stay there. God hates divorce. Do you realize the responsibility that you have as spiritual leader of the family? You will have to stand before God and account for how you have lead your wife and family. When I first learned that I was blown away. I don't think you realize the seriousness of your job or you wouldn't be making all these excuses for not going to church.

I appreciate you trying to help...really. But...you're not helping. All you are doing is repeating what you've been taught. You also falsely assume going to church is directly related to one's standing with the Most High God. I can guarantee you I've learned more about God and what he desires for us outside of Corporate Church than I have inside of Corporate Church. Remember "the Church" is people.

What is the real reason? Too early, they asked one too many times for offering, they asked you to serve on a committe, or maybe they were touching on an area of your life you didn't want to give over to God?

Do you want to know the real reason(s) or are you just going to put me in a category that you already have defined for people like me? By the tone of your reply and the assumptions you've made above...you seem very works-oriented and very into "playing church". But...maybe I'm like you and have assumed too much.

If you really care about your children how can you not find a good church for them at least?

"The Chuch" is people. What makes a church "good"?

Are you sitting down at least once a week giving them what they'd be getting in Sunday school?

Yes...followed by ice cream. Last week was about Jesus' greatest command. I will teach them the truth and will gladly stand before God on those teachings.

Are you doing daily Bible reading as a family?

No. Will it make me a good Christian if I do that? We do make an attempt to memorize one Bible verse a week. Does that make us good Christians?

If you really want to save your marriage, then you need to do something different because as you've said nothing has changed in 5.5 years. Why would it change if you're just doing the same things over and over?

I agree. But...for clarification...I said nothing changed during the 5.5 years we were members of a conservative evangelical church. We've been out of that church for 1 year now.

Get on your knees and pray with a humble heart and ask God to direct you.

I have done that numerous times.

It's not my job to convince you.

Of what?

If you aren't hearing the Holy Spirit then this is an exercise in futility on my part.

Silence...that is what I "hear" when I am quiet and listening. Does God talk to you? If so...what does he say?

Consider your family though.

I do. That is why I'm still married.

Thanks for your time!
CC

 

[ShainaBrina]

Have you seen the movie "Fireproof"? It is excellent, the companion book is "The Love Dare" by Alex & Stephen Kendrick. The Love Dare Official Site: Get the book from the movie Fireproof There's also "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrex and "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman

If you want to save your marriage it sounds like you need to go on a mission to make your wife feel loved. Find out what makes her feel loved and then do those things without expectation of return in kind.

Blessings
Shaina

 

[chingchang]

If you want to save your marriage it sounds like you need to go on a mission to make your wife feel loved. Find out what makes her feel loved and then do those things without expectation of return in kind.

Blessings
Shaina

Now THAT is some good advice. I really appreciate it. I've been thinking the same thing lately...but I'm just running out of emotional energy and my desire for her is being replaced with hopelessness (which is saying something...because I always have energy and hope). I need supernatural help. If you can...please take a minute to pray that God would give me the conviction and motivation to go a few extra miles with this (I've already given 150%). BTW...He knows my username!

Oh...and as a sidenote...we started marriage counseling last week. Our next appointment is on Tuesday night. Should be interesting...

Thanks for reading and being interested. May God bless you!

CC

 

[ShainaBrina]

Abba Father, I lift ChingChang before you, I ask that you comfort and encourage him and give him the energy and strength to fight for his marriage and to pursue and woo his wife back into his arms. Give him a new love for his wife and soften his and his wife's heart towards each other. Father marriage is a gift and a blessing that you have given your people help us to honour our marriages, vows and commitments. Send people that will support and encourage chingchang and mrs chingchang as they find their ways back to each other. In Jesus name I pray.

 

[I-can-see]

My question is this: is it possible to divorce and for my kids to be o.k.? I would still be active in their lives and see them each week...but they really need me. What can I do???

Hugs and thanks,
CC

Don't worry about it, they will be fine. Also, who says that they HAVE to stay with their mother while YOU visit once a week? You could have custody if you wanted. Your children might be confused, but it will not destroy them, give them SOME credit. They are much stronger then you think.