This is my first post, I am glad to have found this site. I may be long winded in this but please bare with me. I have been dealing with this since I came to know Jesus at the age of 21, I am now 37. My first experience with this happend about two weeks after accepting Jesus as my savior. I was laying in bed thinking of all of the wonderful things God was doing in my life when the most vile image popped into my head from nowhere. It had to do with Jesus and was extremely wicked. I WAS TERRIFIED to say the least. I broke out in cold sweat, anxiety etc...I jumped out of bed and called my sister to try to understand what was going on. From that point in my walk with Jesus It was extremely difficult. I would ask for forgivness night and day, for things that in reality were not sins. I just could not believe that the feelings and thoughts that would go on in my mind. I could not believe that anyone who loved Jesus could have the thougts and feelings I was having. I was in constant doubt about my salvation. Over time my walk was not about joy and peace but became more of an attemp to gain approval to gain Gods acceptance. Perfectionism became the rule of the day. I would pray that God would deliver me, but even as I prayed thoughts would enter my mind and frustrate me during prayer time.
Please understand at this time I knew nothing of OCD/scrupulosity. I thought this was something that was just experienced by Christians regularly. I met regularly with counselors/pastors in an attempt to figure out why I felt so bad. This was not necessarily fruitful, but it did help just to talk. Over time I think I would where out the people/pastors I would talk to due to my need for constant reassurance. As time progressed it became excedingly difficult to continue in my walk because of the shame/guilt I felt. As time passed I could tell that I was straying away from Jesus. I would not pray because of the guilt. But during this time I always new in my heart and spirit that Jesus was God, and I never ever denied him. In my heart it pained me because I truly loved Jesus. Also during this time I went to a christian Psycologist because I was driving my wife crazy with other obsessions I was having. Things would ultimetly consume me hobbies became all consuming and even when I would want to stop thinking about whatever it was I could not stop. He diagnosed me with OCD. I still at the time did not know the OCD could turn religious and did not make the connection that what I had suffered earlier in my Chrstian walk was OCD.
In the last couple of years (I am going to be TOTALLY open with people here) I had gotten into internet pornography. When the bible speaks of sin that so easily ensnares us, it is right on the money. It is a total trap that becomes impossible to get yourself out of without the help of a savior. Around Thanksgiving something happened in my life that caused me to TOTALLY sincerly repent of what I had been doing. I could not believe that I could slap the face of the one who pulled me from the mire when I was 21. My life is and has become a total open book to God as well as other around me. With this change the OCD exploded. I did alot of reading and discovered scrupulisity. This explained alot. I would read excerpts from John Bunyans books and realize others go through the torment I had went through. I found many websites (such as this one) this backed up my findings. About two months ago through a series of events I became so depressed that I cried out to God for forgivness and for him to show his true loving nature to me. One morning I was up early and was reading some things on forgivness and other things. Please understand I was the most depressed I had EVER been in my life. At an earlier point I had contenplated suicide hoping that God would forgive me if I killed myself. Anyways this one specific day (new years eve to be exact) God revealed his love and grace to me in a way I had not experienced in many, many years. As I walked upstairs to get dressed for the day God gave me what I had asked for. I became overwhelmed by a feeling and more importantly a knowing of his love for me. As I entered my closet to get dressed I was then hit by the overwhelming knowing (and here is the crucial part!) that Jesus died for ALL (listen to me) ALL of your sins. If you believe he is who he said he is. YOU ARE FORGIVEN...PERIOD. ALL means ALL. He did not take upon himself some, or a few sins. HE TOOK ALL listen to me ALL of the sins of the world upon him. Remember when John the Baptist said before he baptised Jesus "Behold here comes the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the WORLD".
I know in my own life I am always trying to find a loop hole in the word of God. Trying to see that maybe Gods word applies to others but not to me. BUT THIS IS BOGUS. You may be think/saying but you don't undestand what goes on in my mind, or you don't know what I am going through. Well here is my answer to you, you don't know what is going on in my mind, or what I am going through. So that argument does not hold water. I am not saying that I do not get bummed out, or depressed with the things that go on in my mind and emotions. But now, I do everything I can to have faith that when these things happen I close my eyes and concentrate and realize that is why Jesus died. So that these sins would not be held against us. The book of Hebrews says that we have a high priest in heaven who intercedes for us and was tempted in every way we are. This must mean he was tempted in the same we were. EVERY WAY means just that... EVERY WAY. It is still very hard for the people close to me to understand what I am going through, but I know that people reading this do. I am on medication which helps, but the epiphiny of Gods love and forgivness happened to me before I was on Meds.
I would suggest taking a look at life of John Bunyan, one of the greatest christian men in history. This can bring peace knowing that such great men of God suffered like this as well. Martin Luther is another prime example of a person who dealt with this but yet changed history. Please remember that this is exactly why Jesus came to die for us. No matter how discussting your thoughts become, Jesus came to die for your forgivness, all you have to do is believe it. That is all that is required of us for salvation. AND PLEASE REMEBER THIS IT IS CRUCIAL: GOD IS NOT A MAN THAT HE CAN LIE!!!!! If he says it it is FACT.
I love and care for each one of you that are going through this horrible disease. But please remember we have a way out and his name is JESUS. He is big enough to take on all of the sins your mind can dish out, even when they are about him.
REMEMBER: HE LOVES YOU...John writes "God is love" not that he thinks love is neat, or love is cool, but he IS LOVE.
Please understand at this time I knew nothing of OCD/scrupulosity. I thought this was something that was just experienced by Christians regularly. I met regularly with counselors/pastors in an attempt to figure out why I felt so bad. This was not necessarily fruitful, but it did help just to talk. Over time I think I would where out the people/pastors I would talk to due to my need for constant reassurance. As time progressed it became excedingly difficult to continue in my walk because of the shame/guilt I felt. As time passed I could tell that I was straying away from Jesus. I would not pray because of the guilt. But during this time I always new in my heart and spirit that Jesus was God, and I never ever denied him. In my heart it pained me because I truly loved Jesus. Also during this time I went to a christian Psycologist because I was driving my wife crazy with other obsessions I was having. Things would ultimetly consume me hobbies became all consuming and even when I would want to stop thinking about whatever it was I could not stop. He diagnosed me with OCD. I still at the time did not know the OCD could turn religious and did not make the connection that what I had suffered earlier in my Chrstian walk was OCD.
In the last couple of years (I am going to be TOTALLY open with people here) I had gotten into internet pornography. When the bible speaks of sin that so easily ensnares us, it is right on the money. It is a total trap that becomes impossible to get yourself out of without the help of a savior. Around Thanksgiving something happened in my life that caused me to TOTALLY sincerly repent of what I had been doing. I could not believe that I could slap the face of the one who pulled me from the mire when I was 21. My life is and has become a total open book to God as well as other around me. With this change the OCD exploded. I did alot of reading and discovered scrupulisity. This explained alot. I would read excerpts from John Bunyans books and realize others go through the torment I had went through. I found many websites (such as this one) this backed up my findings. About two months ago through a series of events I became so depressed that I cried out to God for forgivness and for him to show his true loving nature to me. One morning I was up early and was reading some things on forgivness and other things. Please understand I was the most depressed I had EVER been in my life. At an earlier point I had contenplated suicide hoping that God would forgive me if I killed myself. Anyways this one specific day (new years eve to be exact) God revealed his love and grace to me in a way I had not experienced in many, many years. As I walked upstairs to get dressed for the day God gave me what I had asked for. I became overwhelmed by a feeling and more importantly a knowing of his love for me. As I entered my closet to get dressed I was then hit by the overwhelming knowing (and here is the crucial part!) that Jesus died for ALL (listen to me) ALL of your sins. If you believe he is who he said he is. YOU ARE FORGIVEN...PERIOD. ALL means ALL. He did not take upon himself some, or a few sins. HE TOOK ALL listen to me ALL of the sins of the world upon him. Remember when John the Baptist said before he baptised Jesus "Behold here comes the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the WORLD".
I know in my own life I am always trying to find a loop hole in the word of God. Trying to see that maybe Gods word applies to others but not to me. BUT THIS IS BOGUS. You may be think/saying but you don't undestand what goes on in my mind, or you don't know what I am going through. Well here is my answer to you, you don't know what is going on in my mind, or what I am going through. So that argument does not hold water. I am not saying that I do not get bummed out, or depressed with the things that go on in my mind and emotions. But now, I do everything I can to have faith that when these things happen I close my eyes and concentrate and realize that is why Jesus died. So that these sins would not be held against us. The book of Hebrews says that we have a high priest in heaven who intercedes for us and was tempted in every way we are. This must mean he was tempted in the same we were. EVERY WAY means just that... EVERY WAY. It is still very hard for the people close to me to understand what I am going through, but I know that people reading this do. I am on medication which helps, but the epiphiny of Gods love and forgivness happened to me before I was on Meds.
I would suggest taking a look at life of John Bunyan, one of the greatest christian men in history. This can bring peace knowing that such great men of God suffered like this as well. Martin Luther is another prime example of a person who dealt with this but yet changed history. Please remember that this is exactly why Jesus came to die for us. No matter how discussting your thoughts become, Jesus came to die for your forgivness, all you have to do is believe it. That is all that is required of us for salvation. AND PLEASE REMEBER THIS IT IS CRUCIAL: GOD IS NOT A MAN THAT HE CAN LIE!!!!! If he says it it is FACT.
I love and care for each one of you that are going through this horrible disease. But please remember we have a way out and his name is JESUS. He is big enough to take on all of the sins your mind can dish out, even when they are about him.
REMEMBER: HE LOVES YOU...John writes "God is love" not that he thinks love is neat, or love is cool, but he IS LOVE.
