Help: Divorce and Remarriage

[Nilloc]

This is my first time posting on WWMC, so hello.

Something has been bothering me; it’s an issue that’s troubled me before, but for reasons I’ll get into below they’ve resurfaced recently. It has to do with my parents’ marriage and what Jesus says about divorce. My dad was married before and had two daughters from that marriage. They got divorced and a few years later he married my mom. My parents have been married for twenty-one years now and have raised my sister and I as Christians (I don’t think they were all that devout before I was born).

Then a few weeks ago, my mom told me for the first time that she was actually married before my dad. She was my age and the guy was apparently a friend with both of my parents since high school. She says they weren’t married long and it was something that shouldn’t happened in the first place.

I’m sure you know what I’m about to say. Are my parents really married, given what Jesus says about divorce and remarriage? My parents love each other, they’re the best parents I could imagine, and they’ve always taught my sister and I good values. I just can’t imagine the idea that the whole thing is just a fake and God really just views it as an adulterous relationship.

 

[andreha]

This is my first time posting on WWMC, so hello.

Something has been bothering me; it’s an issue that’s troubled me before, but for reasons I’ll get into below they’ve resurfaced recently. It has to do with my parents’ marriage and what Jesus says about divorce. My dad was married before and had two daughters from that marriage. They got divorced and a few years later he married my mom. My parents have been married for twenty-one years now and have raised my sister and I as Christians (I don’t think they were all that devout before I was born).

Then a few weeks ago, my mom told me for the first time that she was actually married before my dad. She was my age and the guy was apparently a friend with both of my parents since high school. She says they weren’t married long and it was something that shouldn’t happened in the first place.

I’m sure you know what I’m about to say. Are my parents really married, given what Jesus says about divorce and remarriage? My parents love each other, they’re the best parents I could imagine, and they’ve always taught my sister and I good values. I just can’t imagine the idea that the whole thing is just a fake and God really just views it as an adulterous relationship.

I believe that the grace of God covers the marriage of your parents. Reason being that if He saw it as an adulterous relationship, He'd have judged it by now.

 

[hedrick]

I think there are good reasons to think the Jesus would allow exceptions:

* Apparently in the 1st Cent, many Jews believed that a man could divorce his wife at whim. So Jesus was not reacting to a system where there were occasional, carefully consider divorces.
* Jesus' overall approach tends to allow for exceptions, and also for forgiveness.
* A couple of paragraphs later, he tells us to remove our eyes. Jesus is known for hyperbole to make a point.
* At least Matthew's version already allows for one exception, and Paul allows a different one (for non-Christian spouses).

Divorce is a bad thing, particularly when there are kids involved. The number of divorces we currently have is troubling. But sometimes the alternatives can be worse.

 

[Nilloc]

I think there are good reasons to think the Jesus would allow exceptions:

* Apparently in the 1st Cent, many Jews believed that a man could divorce his wife at whim. So Jesus was not reacting to a system where there were occasional, carefully consider divorces.
* Jesus' overall approach tends to allow for exceptions, and also for forgiveness.
* A couple of paragraphs later, he tells us to remove our eyes. Jesus is known for hyperbole to make a point.
* At least Matthew's version already allows for one exception, and Paul allows a different one (for non-Christian spouses).

Divorce is a bad thing, particularly when there are kids involved. The number of divorces we currently have is troubling. But sometimes the alternatives can be worse.

So would a remarriage always be viewed as adulterous assuming the divorce wasn't done under the conditions Jesus and Paul give?

 

[hedrick]

So would a remarriage always be viewed as adulterous assuming the divorce wasn't done under the conditions Jesus and Paul give?

My point was that I'm not sure we should take Jesus' specific exception as the only one. But certainly a divorce done frivolously is wrong.

I'm actually not so sure it's the remarriage that is the issue. Jesus always pairs them: "divorces ... and marries." Most versions of the saying seem to assume that anyone who divorces will remarry. Indeed some interpreters think that the abuse Jesus was thinking of was someone who divorced his wife in order to marry someone else. But one way or another, what he was condemning is divorce.

Divorce is always a sign of failure or disobedience, although I think more commonly failure. But people do fail, and forgiveness is available. Fortunately I don't have this problem, so I can only guess what I'd think if my parents were divorced. But I think what I'd feel is that at some point in the past they made mistakes. Typically divorces result not just from one mistake but many. Despite their current relationship being in some sense a result of failing in a previous commitment, what they've got now can still be real.

 

[Nilloc]

My point was that I'm not sure we should take Jesus' specific exception as the only one. But certainly a divorce done frivolously is wrong.

I really don't know the reasons my parents ended their previous marriages. The impression I got from what my mom said was "I was young, dumb, and rushed into things." I think my dad's situation was more complex and we've never really talked about it.

Divorce is always a sign of failure or disobedience, although I think more commonly failure.

Of course. That my parents made mistakes and did wrong in the past is not what's concerning me, it's if God would really consider them married now.

But people do fail, and forgiveness is available.

But would God want divorced people to return to their previous spouse? Would that be part of repentance?

 

[DNAJ82]

My thoughts on this are that, fallen angels took women as their wives to corrupt and domineer. Consider the end times will be as the days of Noah, it is my belief (and this is from the Spirit) that what we witness today is all the works of the devil being undone. I says it's akin to Adam having a New Testament. When Jesus said 'it's done' what actions can we do that the Holy Spirit hasnt interceded? The last days have been foretold. They are set. The outcome is final.
Now, im not saying this is the case for your parents, but it can be this way. If some1 takes a truthful person's hand in marriage before God by deceptive means, in the name of God it will be judged. The truth will surface. On a lesser scale, but the same result, if people get married and within the marriage neither would ever reach truth and God knows that, then it would be better to split them. Either way, I look at the world as everything before Christ as being played out again but corrected however necessary. With God is the glory.

 

[DNAJ82]

I've never been married but two of my three ex's Spirits I KNOW are of the devil (the second of those I can proved beyond doubt. Click my youtube and watch the PREDESTINY VS. DESTENI vids). I'd never return to either of those knowing their spirits. Without Christ, that wouldnt be the case. As for my other ex, we just werent right for each other and I wouldnt have found my path within that relationship. If I was meant to then that would have been the case. I know that just by knowing myself. My relationship now is in the name of Christ that came directly by walking in true conviction of Him and His name. I trust in that and thank Him for all I have and all I know. God is as easy as accepting His Son. His sacrifice for us makes everything pale in comparison. That's the little we need know and everything to be thankful of no matter what we face.

 

[hedrick]

I really don't know the reasons my parents ended their previous marriages. The impression I got from what my mom said was "I was young, dumb, and rushed into things." I think my dad's situation was more complex and we've never really talked about it.

Of course. That my parents made mistakes and did wrong in the past is not what's concerning me, it's if God would really consider them married now.

But would God want divorced people to return to their previous spouse? Would that be part of repentance?

I'd say it depends upon the situation. What do you do when one party just runs off? It recent happened to one couple in our Church. Ideally when two parties are having trouble with a marriage they get help such as counseling and try to get through it. Divorce should only happen if there's no likely good result. If a couple rush into divorce without doing that I could imagine asking them to try it. But if one partner just runs away that may not be feasible. And after a few years I'm not sure it makes sense.

At some point it's better just to say you made a mistake either marrying originally or at some point in the relationship and move on.

This is probably not a judgement one of their children can or should try to make.

 

[DNAJ82]

Read from Romans 5:12 up to wherever you like. Just reading this and it's apt.

 

[LawsonAlan]

I just can’t imagine the idea that the whole thing is just a fake and God really just views it as an adulterous relationship.

Romans 13

Submission to Governing Authorities

1 Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities,

While i usually regard some of Paul's letters as tripe, he did get some stuff correct, and here i agree with him.

If the government says somebody is divorced, they are divorced and free to remarry as they wish.

But this topic always amused me when the legally divorced person in question would be turned away from a Roman Catholic church for their next wedding, unless of course a hefty sum was paid to them to "investigate" the previous marriage and somehow find grounds to "annul" it.

IOW, they charge ransom for one's ability to remarry but paint it with other words to make it seem somewhat credible.

Dunno why I find that so amusing. Might be because the RC has the balls to perpetrate this sham, or it might because people actually fall for it.

Take your pick, I guess.

 

[lismore]

This is my first time posting on WWMC, so hello.

Hello!

Nice to meet you.

There is nothing you can do about your parents marriage that is long in the past.............what is done is done.

Much of what the bible says about divorce is talking to people who are still married. Advising them not to get divorced, to try and hold it together. The bible would be more speaking to the current marriage rather than the past one.

For people who are already divorced and re-married, no purpose other than hopeless retribution would be served by beating them over the head with scripture.

 

[Nilloc]

This is probably not a judgement one of their children can or should try to make.

I know. I just can't help but think about it. That's just the way I am: I think about and analyze everything. Because of that, I doubt any answer someone here could give would ease my conscience. I do of course appreciate all your guys' efforts though.

 

[Nilloc]

There is nothing you can do about your parents marriage that is long in the past.............what is done is done.

That isn't really my problem though. My question concerns the current nature of my parents marriage, not the mistakes they made in the past.

 

[lismore]

That isn't really my problem though. My question concerns the current nature of my parents marriage, not the mistakes they made in the past.

I know. What I'm saying is that my view of God, he is more interested in preventing the mistakes of the future than taking perpetual revenge on things regretted and repented for that cannot now be changed.

remember marriage was made for man, not man for marriage!

 

[Nilloc]

I know. What I'm saying is that my view of God, he is more interested in preventing the mistakes of the future than taking perpetual revenge on things regretted and repented for that cannot now be changed.

remember marriage was made for man, not man for marriage!

That makes sense. I guess my problem is just with the specific Gospel passages about divorce. They have always bothered me because they seem to be out of sync with what Jesus says elsewhere about forgiveness. But I did find the explanations hedrick gave about the passage make sense and would seem to solve the problem. My overly analytical mind will probably keep me from feeling better about it though.

 

[All4HISglory]

God bless you.

I struggled with this years ago since I am divorced and since remarried. I've prayed, cried and prayed some more because I thought surely God did not want me to go this walk alone concerning marriage. I fought hard to keep my marriage but in the end, it wasn't my choice and eventually went through a divorce.

Gods word is specific but just as each of us have a personal relationship with Him, I believe that each "case" is different. God and God alone judges the content of ones heart and He knows our intent in every situation. I believe all we can do is do our best to line up with His word and allow Him to do the rest.

Through prayer, confession (of what you believe to be in your heart or actual actions), repentance and Gods grace/mercy/forgiveness, I believe that divorce and remarriage is acceptable depending on each case.

You have to follow His word. Just as Corinthians tells us about believers and unbelievers and if the unbeliever chooses to stay or chooses to go. As a believer we are considered to be spiritually sound enough to know that God can get the glory out of that marriage. We have to seek Him, follow His instructions and allow Him to draw the unbelieving spouse to Him through our lives and acts of love toward them. Just as His word says " how do you know oh wife, if you can't save your husband?..." The believer does not know if the marriage will be the very gift of love that will convert the unbeliever to a believer and save their soul. That of course is what God cares about in the end, the soul. Marriage is ministry.

Likewise, His word is specific about the unbeliever desiring to leave that the believer is no longer bound, that God is calling them the believer to peace, so the state of that marriage is acceptable to God because He does not go against mans free will. The unbeliever's will was to leave where the believer denies their own will to trust the will of God for their life.

My own personal struggle with that was leaving (separation) VS divorce, but through seeking God (for my own situation) I've come to believe that it doesn't matter if the unbeliever left and never got the divorce or if they took it all the way and filed, the believer is to stay in line with Gods word and follow His instructions that were given.

So for me, when my ex left, I could not date or look to man to comfort me in that way. I could not obtain the divorce myself. My instruction from God was to keep my hands clean. My ex obtained a lawyer, filed and any other necessary steps for divorce. When the time came for signing, I prayed because I wasn't sure if that is what God wanted, but He allowed for me to sign and be divorced because the unbeliever sought to leave. So in the end I believed God and did what I was required to do and was blessed for it. I went through, pain, anger, confession, struggles and finally repentance, healing, forgiveness and deliverance. I believe wholeheartedly that God forgave me for my divorce and through His grace allowed me to remarry.

I do not believe that it is ok to just nonchalantly marry and divorce. Both should be entered into with great consideration and council. I believe that being nonchalant about marriage and divorce, denies Gods love and value of marriage as well as His power to change any situation for His good. I believe that every believer is required to seek God, follow His word or instruction (regardless of our own will) and in the end, it will be what God desires it to be.

For your parents you stated that they weren't devote until years after their marriage together. For that reason, I would say that they weren't likely believers and aren't held accountable because when coming to Christ, our previous sins are forgiven. His word tells us that old things pass away and we are new creatures. So from that point on, their divorces are under grace and their new marriage under grace.

I agree with another poster in this case when she said it seems as if God would be more concerned about this marriage then that one. After all, they raised you according to His word, have been married for over 20 yrs. I would say that God is there somewhere.

Think more about His grace and mercy and love for them and consider where they were in their walk with God at the time of their previous marriages. Then think about the life they have lived together committed to God. Which one do you see Jesus in?

~Jrs_Lovely1 {iPad}

 

[OnlyBelieve]

When we come to the Lord anything that happened before that time is forgiven, assuming you ask and recieve forgiveness. There are spiritual implications that we can only change if we know about them. When a couple are married God sees them now as one, when they divorce and remarry they carry this with them. They need to ask forgivness and for the bonds to broken from any other partner they may have had.
God is a forgiving God, Just look at some of the most famous Men and Women of the Bible. God has forgiven them because they changed their lives and committed themselves to him.
I know of these things because I have been through it myself. I now have a wonderful, christian husband and great family. God revealed through his word all things that needed to be taken care of, repented of and he took them all away.
Keep praying and God will reveal the answer to you and give you reassurance.