help, another sudo boyfriend!

[mixiejoeusa]

I was hoping I could get some advise from you all, both men and women. I am a 29 year old female who ends up having these great friendships with the opposite sex, developing feelings for the man, and then he becomes my sudo boyfriend. I become comfortable with them, where I don't feel the need to look for anyone else and I pick men, who I know won't like me back or are in a situation, like going to be a priest. I am in a situation like that right now, where I am falling for my best friend who wants to be a priest....what are the chances of that...lol.He knows how I feel, and is so wonderful about it. We are close, but I am afraid I am getting too attached to him and its not fair to him or me, ya know. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens that way. My question is, what do I do, so this won't keep happening or I will stop putting myself in these situations? If anyone has any advise, please post!!

Thanks for listening!
Jessica

 

[fishstix]

For one thing, don't let yourself think of the guy as a boyfriend - pseudo or otherwise - if he isn't. Make things as clear as possible in your own mind. And try to move past the feelings of romantic love and love the guy as a brother in Christ. Agape love really is stronger than eros love - so try to love the guy with agape love

 

[fruitrach]

I think this sounds like it's more about you and how you feel about yourself than about how you feel about these guys. I wonder if maybe you feel like a boyfriend is unattainable for you so you pick guys who seem unattainable too? You form friendships with guys who fit your ideal boyfriend characteristics but who are "safe" in that deep down you know it won't happen so they can't hurt you. But it doesn't work because you fall for them and get hurt because the feelings aren't returned.

 

[Breetai]

I was hoping I could get some advise from you all, both men and women. I am a 29 year old female who ends up having these great friendships with the opposite sex, developing feelings for the man, and then he becomes my sudo boyfriend. I become comfortable with them, where I don't feel the need to look for anyone else and I pick men, who I know won't like me back or are in a situation, like going to be a priest. I am in a situation like that right now, where I am falling for my best friend who wants to be a priest....what are the chances of that...lol.He knows how I feel, and is so wonderful about it. We are close, but I am afraid I am getting too attached to him and its not fair to him or me, ya know. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens that way. My question is, what do I do, so this won't keep happening or I will stop putting myself in these situations? If anyone has any advise, please post!!

Thanks for listening!
Jessica

Stop hanging out with wannabe priests. No offense meant, but if you keep hanging around priests then of course you're going to get a crush on them. Hang out with guys that you actually have a chance with, like a Lutheran pastor.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

I think you mean 'pseudo'-this is a strong pet peeve of mine.

My advice is to keep your distance from your seminary friend for awhile. I once had a crush on a priest, and that was the same advice I was given. It won't lessen your feelings very much, but keeping your distance will prevent you from trying to do something that you might regret later. Put your friendship in God's strong hands.

While you put this friendship 'on hold' cultivate friendships with other females. Get involved with a club, your singles' ministry-don't have a singles' ministry at your church-well then start one!

Bottom line: keep your distance.

Diane

 

[JWBZ SVT]

The girl who recently broke my heart is terrified of commitment. Perhaps you are too? She and I started out as friends and she told me that she was interested in me (not her style of doing things at all--I'm the first guy she ever kissed and she's 24) but wouldn't tell the guy from church whom she liked for close to a year that she was attracted to him. At the time I had fallen away from my Christian walk and was not living a Christian lifestyle. Later she admitted telling me about her feelings because she thought it was 'safe' and didn't have to worry about me reciprocating the feelings, or anything developing from the feelings because of my then-lifestyle. She got blind-sided when I did have feelings for her and has been running since. What I'm getting at is this: What you described in your situation reminded me of her especially with the 'safety' part. Anway, just an observation and my $0.02 worth, so keep the change.

 

[justasinner]

I am in a situation like that right now, where I am falling for my best friend who wants to be a priest....what are the chances of that...lol.He knows how I feel, and is so wonderful about it. We are close, but I am afraid I am getting too attached to him and its not fair to him or me, ya know. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens that way. My question is, what do I do, so this won't keep happening or I will stop putting myself in these situations? If anyone has any advise, please post!!

Thanks for listening!
Jessica

First, I know we who are looking for a mate, wants someone that has a strong relationship with God, but it should not be the first criteria that we use to find these mates. First, look for the other standards that you have first, like if this man want kids. Then see if that man has a strong faith in God. That way, if a man wants kids and God in his life then he must marry and you can go from there.

Do not change your criteria just reorder the ones you look for first.

 

[Thithy]

I kind of know what you mean. Most of my friends are guys. It's not that I don't like girls, it's just that the guys are more outgoing so I hang out with them. Really my only female friend here in college is my roommate. But anyway...

It's hard for me because I'm always hanging out with guys. I start getting to know them, I start flirting with them (because it's what I do), and they flirt back. oops. Another crush. Now I've learned to put up a bit of a barrier. I tell myself, this is just a friend, and nothing more. Most of the time it helps. As for the priest, you know nothing can come of that. Definately give yourself some time apart. I've noticed that if I start to like a guy, if I put some distance between us for a little while it helps. Pray that God will take the feelings away so you can concentrate on guys that are actually attainable.

 

[Starcradle]

Jessica,

I can entirely comprehend your dilemma and would suggest protecting your heart by taking practical steps to avoid becoming emotionally attached to men who are not seriously interested in courting you. Attempt to keep your friendships with the opposite sex as casual as possible. This may appear to be a radical proposition, yet it will keep you from perpetuating this heartbreaking pattern.

 

[mixiejoeusa]

I wanted to thank all of you who posted a response to my problem. Your responses have made me take real look at myself and the relationships I put myself in. You all had great advise, and the first thing I am going to start doing is backing away a bit and giving us some space.
Jessica

 

[aReformedPatriot]

I was hoping I could get some advise from you all, both men and women. I am a 29 year old female who ends up having these great friendships with the opposite sex, developing feelings for the man, and then he becomes my sudo boyfriend. I become comfortable with them, where I don't feel the need to look for anyone else and I pick men, who I know won't like me back or are in a situation, like going to be a priest. I am in a situation like that right now, where I am falling for my best friend who wants to be a priest....what are the chances of that...lol.He knows how I feel, and is so wonderful about it. We are close, but I am afraid I am getting too attached to him and its not fair to him or me, ya know. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens that way. My question is, what do I do, so this won't keep happening or I will stop putting myself in these situations? If anyone has any advise, please post!!

Thanks for listening!
Jessica

Thats rough. First things first, "sudo" is spelled "pseudo."

Secondly, I dont think there is any easy way to go about it. The heart will ache, but sometimes we have to just trudge along and know that God's grace is sufficient for us. I too am developing an affinity for a lady friend of mine, such as I havent had in years, and is the first time i've ever had a godly outlook on it.

My only advice would be, unless you want to avoid all men, to just deal with these feelings, and dont go into friendships expecting marriage. God has a plan for your life. Cliche, i know. Your current situation, I am saddended about, here you have a man being told if he wants a vocation that serves the Lord he must be celibate, which was never imposed on any vocational minister in the bible, not even Peter himself. I dont think you ever said, does he feel the same way about you?