My relationship with God has suffered more than anything else. I was once a deep, committed, faithful follower. I served as worship leader, women's leader,etc. My connection with God was so awesome and powerful. I could feel His Spirit with me continually.
Since I was diagnosed I became angry, distant and didn't want to listen to Christian music anymore (still don't), don't read my Scriptures, I do pray, but don't do it as much. I don't want to go to church. I can no longer feel His Spirit. I talk to HIm everyday still. But my heart and faith are just weak.
It has been a real struggle that has left me confused and wonder if I will ever feel the same way I did before. People tell me it will take time. It is just hard. "Mental illness" is hard to swallow.
I still believe, Michael, but I have to work at it.
It is great to hear that not all light rays from God have been snuffed out by the dark and often evil clouds of a bipolar horizon - and that prayer in particular is still an active force within you.
I been where you now are for many years - and know very well what kind of things go on in your heart and mind - the negativity that is the trademark of depression seeks to destroy our inner psyche - and can certainly rob us of the confidence of faith - even if we once had it - it certainly has caused this inside of me.
The Lord Jesus told me DO NOT WORRY about these times. Simply hold onto TRUST even if EVERYTHING else fails around you - I haven't been to Church for many years, I hardly read the Bible any more, I don't work as an active councillor no longer, I have often been unable to full fill my role as husband and father, and worst of all I even in a manic bout of depression cursed God and sought to die to it all - so I'm not like Job but like his wife - all because I have been so incredibly depressed for so many years and could not except that I had become , what I considered, ineffective - even obsolete Thinking along the lines that I was loosing out on the opportunity to be an active Christian and the eternal benefits that would have brought, just because I was depressed all the time.
However I now know that I was WRONG in my perceptions and ideas. See faith is a gift from God and hardship is often a very effective way to fine tune someone's spirituality. Our human need to add to our redemption by doing what WE think is what God/people need/want and not listening to the truth - which is often standing right in front of us - is what we then have to unlearn.
Please remember good comes from God but adversity can be from Him too - it all has meaning in the Truth of God's Word - but not when we dwell in hurt, doubt, unbelief, anger or fear - these forces often cast out the things which are from God instead.
Rather, I have learned to see the hard way, we need to except the situation - however difficult it might be - and present it to the Father of Light wherever we are at.
Think about it from this perspective - when you where a Bible study leader - did you need to be saved from horrible feelings and thoughts? When the Spirit of God is upon you do you lack faith, love or good will towards God, others or yourself? Yet when you suffer illness - depression and the doubts, guilt, shame, fear, anger, isolation, loneliness, confusion and unlovingness it brings - you cave in and cry out to Him in need and weakness - luckily it is only surrender to God's Spirit that can 'heal' from these afflictions - not our bible reading or other 'good' works to save us - though truth and good works are of utmost importants - yet even a bubbling commitment to God and people is not enough to save us from the dark reality of depression - only the Truth of the Love of God's Spirit inside of us can make us stronger than darkness - hence your time of trial.
Please consider it an incredible honour that God has selected you to carry these heavenly gifts of eternity within your spirit. For though I often can't read the bible any more - I even lost the ability to pray and believe in Him often for long periods of time - yet all these realities He wanted out of me - He wanted to take these inner forces of rebellion away and set me spiritually free from its restrains - for His truth dwells in me because of GRACE - not because of who I am or what I do and that was the hard lesson I as a Christian had to learn - by sitting on my bum for years on end staring at utter darkness and seeing it do its evil work - even within me - I took it to God in prayer - He heard my voice and send me all the things I needed and need to overcome - and that is what really matters - I gained and gain what I didn't have before and I loose what I didn't wanted in the first place - honestly even though depression is like a fire within - in the Truth of the Love of God's Holy Spirit it is a refining fire and a deep cleansing soap - and that is what TRULY matters - His will alive in my heart. So even when I go crazy from negativity and have become totally useless in the eyes of the world - and am forced to die to all enjoyment or sense of true self - His Truth and Love are at work inside of my inner me renewing, strengthening and building an eternal home for my soul to dwell in forever more.
Take courage dear sister of ours - not you but Christ will heal you of your (spiritual) afflictions - count it all gain in Christ for that is what hanging in the faith while depressed and sick means - dying to self and living in Christ - what a fantastic deal!!
Regards
Gerry
