Hello I'm in need of advice

Misty Girl said:

I am so glad I found good people to talk to as I don't tell anyone for fear of being judged. He is causing illness to the cats too as they are afraid. If I call the police he said he would destroy items from my father who has passed away. I was thinking about packing them away to save them. I do not have many things that I treasure displayed in fear that he will break them

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Yes, you need to start thinking of this as a military campaign, because indeed, you are at war. Of course we wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with the spirits acting through them (Eph 6), but it's a war nonetheless, and we still have to deal with those people who line up on the wrong side.

You need to take defensive measures, to reduce risk of loss. And then you need to start going on the offense. Plan your campaigns, think a few steps in advance. Anticipate and be ready.

Misty Girl said:

I feel he knows I don't want him to have a permanent record and uses it as leverage,,I need to live my life and I am not able to because of him and an explosion almost everyday

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Thats what he needs, A permanent record is ok, One day, he will go to prison for a very long time , maybe for the rest of his life if you dont do something now.

Misty Girl said:

I feel very overwhelmed and going financially broke because I am so afraid of him robbing someone or selling my belongings,,I sometimes see the kid I use to know.

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All of the above will be forthcoming if your son doesn't change, by choosing to never do drugs/alcohol again. He is using you, like he does everyone else, and he will continue to do so (and it will get worse) because that's what drug addicts do.

Addiction is a disease!

It's something that some who use get (because of the genes they have), while others who use never will (because they don't have that particular "addict" gene). Nevertheless, we always need to do what must be done, tough as that often is, or our children may never get past their disease.

You should not be living in fear for your belongings, your financial stability, and especially for your health and/or life. That is no way for you to live, and you are not helping your son get better when you do. You need advice/help and you need it as soon as you can get it.

I think church is a great place for you to start. After all, that's a big part of what the body of Christ is all about, loving on, supporting those who are in some form of need. Then, when you are no longer the one who needs the support (and you are in a position to help others again), it will be your turn to minister to others again.

So find a church to join, and a pastor to talk to as soon as you can!! And the folks at Nar-Anon should be able to help you with knowing the ins and outs of being the parent of an addict, and/or they'll be able to send you to another group who can.

Unfortunately, there is no way you will ever be able to "love" your son enough to get him to change, because it's the drugs that he both loves and worships now (more than anything or anyone else).

As for jail, I HATE the fact that my son is there, but quite frankly, it is protecting him from himself, at least for the time being, because he has no access to drugs right now. It's also a place where I'm able to ask him to look around and to decide/ask himself the question, "is this what I really want for my life". He's been in for over two months now, and he could and probably will be released later this month. I'm thinking about asking him to use a picture of the jailhouse as his iPhone wallpaper so that he'll always remember, when he's thinking about buying drugs and/or getting insanely angry at people he feels may have wronged him, whether a longer stretch of time in jail is really worth it or not. This is one of the big reasons we left him in this time, because he, as an adult, is responsible, and will be held accountable, for everything he says and does from now on (and if we chose to "rescue" him again, we would, in essence, be insulating him for that very necessary truth that is so vital for him to know and understand)!

Yours and His,
David

One last thing, the time for a secrecy is long past. You need to forget about any shame you may feel about all of this and begin to be very public about your problem, for your son's sake, but especially for yours. So don't hesitate to share it all with your pastor and/or others in your church, with your friends and family, at Nar-Anon, with phone counselors, and even with the police. Tell them what is going on and ask them for their help with this, because it is far more than you can handle all by yourself. Also, if situations begin to arise, it needs to be more than your word against his (remember that sadly, lying becomes the native tongue of the addict whenever it will get them what they're after). For both of your sakes, and as tough as it may be to do, others need to know the specifics (and be updated regularly) about what's going on.

God bless you! (Isaiah 40:31, 41:10; Jeremiah 29:11; 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)

--David

Adult and teen challenge might also be an option, although it is a voluntary entry program.
Here is a link for info
It is a Christ based recovery program, and I have seen many saved there.

HTacianas said:

Time for some tough love. If he refuses to go to school kick him out. Call the police and have him removed. He will come around sooner or later.

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She would need to evict him legally unless he is being violent, then the police can remove him i think.

Misty Girl said:

Hello I'm new to this forum I don't know where to turn. I am a single mother being abused by my 18 year old son. My son is repeating 12th grade for not going, he is repeating it because he is in special education for PTSD and anger management all caused by domestic violence and a really bad divorce,losing our home and my ex husbands family disowning him. My son smokes marijuana and has got me evicted from my last apartment for smoking it in the house and threatening neighbor. He badgers me and destroys my home and my things if he doesn't get money for drugs or take out food. My only option is to have him arrested or throw him out which I am having a hard time doing. I feel like giving up he is sucking the life out of me. I can't do it anymore and he won't talk to any professional I feel he is ruining his life and my life and I am having a hard time giving up on him

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Hi Misty.
I imagine that you may be feeling worn out and exasperated because you are needing respect, consideration and ease. You may also be needing some guidance and hope. I can imagine you being torn because you love your son and want to help him but you also don't want to enable his unhealthy behavior. I will keep you in my prayers. I might suggest going to counseling to get support and empathy and modeling reaching out for help to your son. I think your situation is very difficult and that the decision may be about setting boundaries or letting go and allowing natural consequences to occur. You may also want to check out the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It gives a road map for effective communication with dealing with conflict. There are also videos on nonviolent communication on youtube. I only share this because nonviolent communication has helped me tremendously with my relationships (including my relationship with my teenager).

Misty Girl said:

I feel he knows I don't want him to have a permanent record and uses it as leverage,,I need to live my life and I am not able to because of him and an explosion almost everyday

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I'm a retired police officer and I saw thousands of cases like yours over 25 years. He's a grown man at 18, and you've gone the extra 10 miles to help him. It's time for you to make some very strict rules and kick him out if he doesn't obey your rules. I've seen many parents and grandparents killed or injured severely by out of control young people on dope. If he's already threatened you, get a protective order from a judge. The police would be ordered by the judge to remove him from your house and arrest him if he comes back. It's past time for you to take your life and your home back. You might even be saving his life.

This is a difficult situation your son obviously needs help but you also need help and support and I pray you will get this soon.

Dear Sister, My heart breaks for you. I see this in many households now days and it surprises me that our new generation could mistreat their elders in such a way. How terribly sad.
If I would have tried that, I would have have got knots put on my head and been sleeping in a tent somewhere [if someone would have loaned me a tent]
Let me stand in with the others and say, It is not your fault that he is this way ok. The devil is lying to you and causing you pain that you do not deserve, So when he reminds you of your past, You remind him of his future :]
This young man and yes he is now a man is very disrespectful and needs a job and some responsibility so stop all support now. All you owe him, is to love him and of course you do.
So now like the mighty eagle, Kick him out of the nest and let him fly :]

Misty Girl said:

Hello I'm new to this forum I don't know where to turn. I am a single mother being abused by my 18 year old son. My son is repeating 12th grade for not going, he is repeating it because he is in special education for PTSD and anger management all caused by domestic violence and a really bad divorce,losing our home and my ex husbands family disowning him. My son smokes marijuana and has got me evicted from my last apartment for smoking it in the house and threatening neighbor. He badgers me and destroys my home and my things if he doesn't get money for drugs or take out food. My only option is to have him arrested or throw him out which I am having a hard time doing. I feel like giving up he is sucking the life out of me. I can't do it anymore and he won't talk to any professional I feel he is ruining his life and my life and I am having a hard time giving up on him

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Hi. First let me start off by saying that you are not alone. You have the support of this forum and community. We are here for you. Now , I cannot tell you what to do about your son as I have never been in such a situation, but what I can say is never give up on him. I will pray for you. And don't worry. God will make a way.

Misty Girl said:

I can't take much more,,my son really needs help and there has to b e away to force it on an 18 year old. He has not showered in months and just throws garbage on his bedroom floor. I just can't t make the coldness anger and what really scares me is that he has no feelings at all. He dresses nice but smells horrible there is so much anger I Dred coming home from work

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Is there an older adult male in your family or among friends who can help you intervene?

By your description it sounds like unfortunately your son is dealing with some serious emotional or mental issues.

Do you have a church which could help intervene and get him help?

Have you tried social services? I have a friend whose son is mentally disabled and became violent. They live in Florida and were able to get him in a state home for assessment. Have you explored this option?

Misty Girl said:

Hello I'm new to this forum I don't know where to turn. I am a single mother being abused by my 18 year old son. My son is repeating 12th grade for not going, he is repeating it because he is in special education for PTSD and anger management all caused by domestic violence and a really bad divorce,losing our home and my ex husbands family disowning him. My son smokes marijuana and has got me evicted from my last apartment for smoking it in the house and threatening neighbor. He badgers me and destroys my home and my things if he doesn't get money for drugs or take out food. My only option is to have him arrested or throw him out which I am having a hard time doing. I feel like giving up he is sucking the life out of me. I can't do it anymore and he won't talk to any professional I feel he is ruining his life and my life and I am having a hard time giving up on him

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Never put up with unacceptable behavior from anyone, family or no. There is no excuse for this behavior. You may have to make a decision of this.

Yes, either give up or throw him out. This is the decision.

All good things
Emmy

Red ask the same thing I was going too. Is there another older brother or male relative around that can take him out back behind the garage and explain that you don't disrespect Momma.

"This is what we southerners call learning respect".

Misty Girl said:

Hello I'm new to this forum I don't know where to turn. I am a single mother being abused by my 18 year old son. My son is repeating 12th grade for not going, he is repeating it because he is in special education for PTSD and anger management all caused by domestic violence and a really bad divorce,losing our home and my ex husbands family disowning him. My son smokes marijuana and has got me evicted from my last apartment for smoking it in the house and threatening neighbor. He badgers me and destroys my home and my things if he doesn't get money for drugs or take out food. My only option is to have him arrested or throw him out which I am having a hard time doing. I feel like giving up he is sucking the life out of me. I can't do it anymore and he won't talk to any professional I feel he is ruining his life and my life and I am having a hard time giving up on him

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Welcome to the big family of CF your in the right site my friend. As someone who battles PTSD I can tell you its not fun at all. but if you want I have written a blog over it on my profile I hope that with what I discussed can help you.

Thank you and GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!

Misty Girl said:

Hello I'm new to this forum I don't know where to turn. I am a single mother being abused by my 18 year old son. My son is repeating 12th grade for not going, he is repeating it because he is in special education for PTSD and anger management all caused by domestic violence and a really bad divorce,losing our home and my ex husbands family disowning him. My son smokes marijuana and has got me evicted from my last apartment for smoking it in the house and threatening neighbor. He badgers me and destroys my home and my things if he doesn't get money for drugs or take out food. My only option is to have him arrested or throw him out which I am having a hard time doing. I feel like giving up he is sucking the life out of me. I can't do it anymore and he won't talk to any professional I feel he is ruining his life and my life and I am having a hard time giving up on him

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Misty Girl said:

Hello I'm new to this forum I don't know where to turn. I am a single mother being abused by my 18 year old son. My son is repeating 12th grade for not going, he is repeating it because he is in special education for PTSD and anger management all caused by domestic violence and a really bad divorce,losing our home and my ex husbands family disowning him. My son smokes marijuana and has got me evicted from my last apartment for smoking it in the house and threatening neighbor. He badgers me and destroys my home and my things if he doesn't get money for drugs or take out food. My only option is to have him arrested or throw him out which I am having a hard time doing. I feel like giving up he is sucking the life out of me. I can't do it anymore and he won't talk to any professional I feel he is ruining his life and my life and I am having a hard time giving up on him

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So many great posts with advice and encouragement! I was saddened by your post to know you are living in fear and guilt. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. You have tried to help your son and the relationship is codependent. Something has to change and the guilt you are feeling is not from the Lord. You can’t change the past mistakes and son needs to take responsibility for his actions. You are worthy of honor and respect because you are made in the image of God and he placed you in authority as a parent.
Tough love does what is best, not comfortable. Praying you will get a support group of those who have been there and
have come out the other side as well as those who are in the thick of things. Whether our children are great or troubled we still must release them to the care of the Lord.
He loves them even more than we do. May God give you the strength to stop enabling and take care of yourself.
My mom turned one brother in when she found some downers he was selling. He went to juvenile hall and then an honor camp and straightened out. Most of his friends ended up in jail or dead. Hugs and prayers.