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theyownus

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Hello everyone, I've been registered for about a week so far, but have hesitated to make this post. I'm a 36 year old married man with a family of 6. I grew up in a very confusing and broken charasmatic household. I was sexually abused during the course of my early years and was medically neglected when it came to my mental health. I started having delusions that I was a prophet and that God told me to do certain things etc etc....It wasn't until i had a mental break in my late twenties that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, anxiety, panic disorder and ptsd. After I was properly medicated the delusions and issues with God went away. Shortly after that after seeing a series of "deconstructing faith" videos I started to fall away into atheism. I kept that position for many years and even influenced my wife to lose her faith in God as well. I haven't been able to put christianity down no matter what issues I think I have with it. I always come back to it. For example I don't understand Noah's flood and how it could be possible. I don't understand why there is so much violence in the OT. I don't even understand the garden of eden and the fruit. So many questions and so little in the way of answers.

I've since shifted my position to saying I'm agnostic. It's because there is something that makes even less sense than all my problems with the bible. That is the devil and his control over this world. I can see him. I see him in hollywood with all their symbolism and satanic obsessions. I see it in all the interviews with musicians that claim they sold their soul to the devil and sometimes they don't even know how they wrote their own music. I see it in the globalist elite who meet at places like the world economic forum or bohemian grove and discuss how to control the masses. It all seems to match up to the book of revelation. And if the book of revelation is real and satan is real than God must be real also. See my dilemma?

I apologize for making this so long but posting on here has been weighing on my mind for days. I come with an open mind and heart. I do not harbour any anger towards God for my life experiences or blame anyone other than the people responsible. Thanks again!
 

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Hello everyone, I've been registered for about a week so far, but have hesitated to make this post. I'm a 36 year old married man with a family of 6. I grew up in a very confusing and broken charasmatic household. I was sexually abused during the course of my early years and was medically neglected when it came to my mental health. I started having delusions that I was a prophet and that God told me to do certain things etc etc....It wasn't until i had a mental break in my late twenties that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, anxiety, panic disorder and ptsd. After I was properly medicated the delusions and issues with God went away. Shortly after that after seeing a series of "deconstructing faith" videos I started to fall away into atheism. I kept that position for many years and even influenced my wife to lose her faith in God as well. I haven't been able to put christianity down no matter what issues I think I have with it. I always come back to it. For example I don't understand Noah's flood and how it could be possible. I don't understand why there is so much violence in the OT. I don't even understand the garden of eden and the fruit. So many questions and so little in the way of answers.

I've since shifted my position to saying I'm agnostic. It's because there is something that makes even less sense than all my problems with the bible. That is the devil and his control over this world. I can see him. I see him in hollywood with all their symbolism and satanic obsessions. I see it in all the interviews with musicians that claim they sold their soul to the devil and sometimes they don't even know how they wrote their own music. I see it in the globalist elite who meet at places like the world economic forum or bohemian grove and discuss how to control the masses. It all seems to match up to the book of revelation. And if the book of revelation is real and satan is real than God must be real also. See my dilemma?

I apologize for making this so long but posting on here has been weighing on my mind for days. I come with an open mind and heart. I do not harbour any anger towards God for my life experiences or blame anyone other than the people responsible. Thanks again!
I have been a Christian since 1977 and been in full-time ministry since 1994. I have counseled many people and I'm going to say one thing and leave it at that because it's wildly unpopular in our society today.

I've seen many people who were gifted talented children of God be destroyed by the psychiatric community and false diagnosis about what was wrong with them.
 
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timothyu

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Since the Garden man has put our will ahead of the will of God, This of course focuses on self rather than others as God would have preferred we do. All the woes in the world are a result of this 'self' orientation, making us the same as the Adversary. Thankfully for those who understand we have it backwards, we have been offered salvation providing we repent of man's traditional ways (change) and put God's will first, which is focusing on the needs of others rather than the desires of self. We were banished from the Garden in order to learn the error of our self serving ways, but when the entire world runs on a system adversarial to God's will, it can be difficult to see we have even erred. Every man for himself and all that.
 
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@theyownus

Welcome to CF! Since you joined as agnostic I’m not sure which forums you can participate in... but let me say this: I do hope you find CF comforting, edifying, etc. You are going through a tough time and there are many here that will help you. Praying you draw closer to God and he grants you wisdom and discernment. God bless you.
 
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GodJesusAndChocolate

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Welcome to CF! :hug::hug::hug::hug:
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[Hugs]
 
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HIM

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I haven't been able to put christianity down no matter what issues I think I have with it.
Life can be terrible. So happy you got through all that. Praise God my friend most don't find any resemblance of a stable life. Even if they have not experienced all that you have.
What did you mean by saying you haven't been able to put down Christianity? That doesn't sound very agnostic to me. Sounds as if God is working on you and you are listening.
 
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Hazelelponi

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Hello everyone, I've been registered for about a week so far, but have hesitated to make this post. I'm a 36 year old married man with a family of 6. I grew up in a very confusing and broken charasmatic household. I was sexually abused during the course of my early years and was medically neglected when it came to my mental health. I started having delusions that I was a prophet and that God told me to do certain things etc etc....It wasn't until i had a mental break in my late twenties that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, anxiety, panic disorder and ptsd. After I was properly medicated the delusions and issues with God went away. Shortly after that after seeing a series of "deconstructing faith" videos I started to fall away into atheism. I kept that position for many years and even influenced my wife to lose her faith in God as well. I haven't been able to put christianity down no matter what issues I think I have with it. I always come back to it. For example I don't understand Noah's flood and how it could be possible. I don't understand why there is so much violence in the OT. I don't even understand the garden of eden and the fruit. So many questions and so little in the way of answers.

I've since shifted my position to saying I'm agnostic. It's because there is something that makes even less sense than all my problems with the bible. That is the devil and his control over this world. I can see him. I see him in hollywood with all their symbolism and satanic obsessions. I see it in all the interviews with musicians that claim they sold their soul to the devil and sometimes they don't even know how they wrote their own music. I see it in the globalist elite who meet at places like the world economic forum or bohemian grove and discuss how to control the masses. It all seems to match up to the book of revelation. And if the book of revelation is real and satan is real than God must be real also. See my dilemma?

I apologize for making this so long but posting on here has been weighing on my mind for days. I come with an open mind and heart. I do not harbour any anger towards God for my life experiences or blame anyone other than the people responsible. Thanks again!

I think many people who had a really bad experience with religion - this is across the board with any religion not just Christianity - have a far more difficult time coming to faith.

I was Muslim and became saved (Christian) a bit later in life.

My children and I had a lifetime of bad experiences with the Muslim man I married in my youth. He was a religious extremist, and abusive (physical was more severe than mental but there's a lot of mental abuse in not knowing what your going to do wrong today, just knowing in his eyes I would have, and praying every second of the day that it would be avoided - walking on eggshells 24/7 is serious stress)

At any rate, my son grew a hatred, absolute and intense hatred, for all things "religious".

My son is now an adult man, and sharing Christ with him is... to say difficult is to white wash the extent of the difficulty. It sometimes feels like talking to brick walls.

My daughter died before I was saved, but I think she may have been more open-minded, but that was her personality. I do know that she had the opportunity to read the Bible some before she died, a nurse suggested she read the book of Job, and she asked me to get her a Bible so she could (which I did).

It sounds to me like your perhaps something like my son and you have scars from things in your youth, but for you finding the real God in the mess (wheat and tares) is probably extra challenging since people misused and misrepresented the Bible and used it as an excuse to abuse the innocent.

For that I am so sorry. I would take that pain from you if I could, but sadly this is just part of your life journey now.

Have you ever dealt with the forgiveness aspect? I mean really worked through everything and found a way to forgive?

It is perhaps learning how to forgive is the first step for you .. if you've already forgiven then tell me, but while you're forgiveness is imperfect without the Spirit of Christ, emotions like hate and anger and fear are a poison to the soul.
 
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rockytopva

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My Testimony... One Summer as a teenager I spent a Summer here in Virginia with my grandmother. The people would work hard Mo-Fr, go to town on Saturday, and to church on Sunday. There was a joy unspeakable in the farmers I would put up hay with. I then started going to their church. This was a Pentecostal Holiness church. The people would run the altars, shout, speak in tongues, interpret, fall out in the Spirit, and the services were very lively. The old guys would sit back in the pews and weep. And if they looked back to find me looking at them with an amazed look they would cry out... "The Holy Ghost! The Holy Ghost!" With tears streaming down their cheeks pointing to the souls laid about the altar.

One evening after a summer of that I laid back in my bed to read Nikki Cruz's 'Run Baby Run.' The door was open, the kady-dids were singing, fireflies coming up the mountain, the air fresh, my grandmothers sheets clean, just a peaceful scene. In the midst of that I heard a voice say... Put the book down. I continued to read and the voice said again... Put the book down! I put the book down and the voice said a third time... Where is all that hatred, stress, and strife? I examined my heart to find nothing there but pure beauty. I thought to myself... Oh my! I got exactly what those people got! And would go to church and shout with them.

And in the words of George Clark Rankin (story here - The Life of George Clark Rankin)....

As we returned home the sun shone brighter, the birds sang sweeter and the autumn-time looked richer than ever before. My heart was light and my spirit buoyant. I had anchored my soul in the haven of rest, and there was not a ripple upon the current of my joy. That night there was no service and after supper I walked out under the great old pine trees and held communion with God. I thought of mother, and home, and Heaven.

"During these forty-five long years, with their alternations of sunshine and shadow, daylight and darkness, success and failure, rejoicing and weeping, fears within and fightings without, I have never ceased to thank God for that autumnal day in the long ago when my name was registered in the Lamb's Book of Life." - George Clark Rankin

While I lay in my bed I could perceive the blessings of God as it were a great ocean in which I had experienced a mere trickle. I immediately sensed that the keys to all good blessings came from God. As I sat there in my bed experiencing spiritual ecstasy I thought oh my! If I were to stay and fall in with these people I could imagine Gabriel’s trumpet sounding and we all rising into that great place of wonder to forever be with the Lord in great delight. The Bible mentions God pouring out his Spirit onto the flesh. I counted this a wonderful thing as it occurred.
 
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rockytopva

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As I shared my testimony it was a wonderful thing to have experienced God.

As I read of people being abused and physically harmed by so-called Christians I can only grieve and sorrow over the damage done. I am truly sorry for any harm done to others in the name of the Christian faith.
 
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theyownus

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Life can be terrible. So happy you got through all that. Praise God my friend most don't find any resemblance of a stable life. Even if they have not experienced all that you have.
What did you mean by saying you haven't been able to put down Christianity? That doesn't sound very agnostic to me. Sounds as if God is working on you and you are listening.
Idk really. Everytime i think I've disproven God to my satisfaction...I find it weighing more and more on my mind later. You could be right. Maybe he is talking to me. I'm not sure what is happening to me, but if that is the case than I'm ready for it. Maybe I'm not agnostic. I'm not really sure lol.
 
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timothyu

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Life is a search for God. No one can truly say they've found Him for some new revelation comes along just when we're not looking. We live in a world man has built in our own image so it is difficult to find living examples of His Kingdom, which of course is found in serving others.
 
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Christoph Maria

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Hello everyone, I've been registered for about a week so far, but have hesitated to make this post. I'm a 36 year old married man with a family of 6. I grew up in a very confusing and broken charasmatic household. I was sexually abused during the course of my early years and was medically neglected when it came to my mental health. I started having delusions that I was a prophet and that God told me to do certain things etc etc....It wasn't until i had a mental break in my late twenties that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, anxiety, panic disorder and ptsd. After I was properly medicated the delusions and issues with God went away. Shortly after that after seeing a series of "deconstructing faith" videos I started to fall away into atheism. I kept that position for many years and even influenced my wife to lose her faith in God as well. I haven't been able to put christianity down no matter what issues I think I have with it. I always come back to it. For example I don't understand Noah's flood and how it could be possible. I don't understand why there is so much violence in the OT. I don't even understand the garden of eden and the fruit. So many questions and so little in the way of answers.

I've since shifted my position to saying I'm agnostic. It's because there is something that makes even less sense than all my problems with the bible. That is the devil and his control over this world. I can see him. I see him in hollywood with all their symbolism and satanic obsessions. I see it in all the interviews with musicians that claim they sold their soul to the devil and sometimes they don't even know how they wrote their own music. I see it in the globalist elite who meet at places like the world economic forum or bohemian grove and discuss how to control the masses. It all seems to match up to the book of revelation. And if the book of revelation is real and satan is real than God must be real also. See my dilemma?

I apologize for making this so long but posting on here has been weighing on my mind for days. I come with an open mind and heart. I do not harbour any anger towards God for my life experiences or blame anyone other than the people responsible. Thanks again!
Thank you for your honesty. I have answers for all of your questions, but I'm not sure that they would help. The one thing that you can be sure of is Jesus. History tells us that He came to earth, He lived with us, died for us and rose again from the dead. You do not have to understand everything in order to believe. My son at two was fascinated by the light. he knew nothing about electricity, but he saw that when I flicked the switch, the light came on. He used to get me to pick him up so that he could turn the light on and off. I have a background in electrical and electronics. I know why the light turns on and off. Yet I am no better at turning on the light than he was!

My suggestion to you is to read the book of John. Ask Jesus to reveal Himself to you. Be honest with God, tell Him your dilemmas. He loves the honest sinner, that's why He sent Jesus to save us.
 
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