Heartbroken

[bèlla]

I thought our dream was to get married, put a house on the land, have children, and just love life together.

forgiven,

What did he communicate directly of his own volition? Women infer a lot. We need to slow down and listen more often. Did he broach marriage and family or chime in when you raised the topic? Remember your earlier comment:

He just said that he didn’t want to get married and I did. And that it wasn’t fair to me anymore. He said, “What if I can’t marry you in 3 more years? You want that and then I will have wasted 6 years of your life.”

Let's unpack it...

From my vantage point, that isn't a we statement. It sounds like he went along for a time. But "anymore" is the smoking gun. The shift didn't happen overnight. Perhaps he accommodated your wishes and realized it was no longer possible.

He countered a rebuttal in the next sentence. It communicates the unlikelihood of change in the near future. He reiterates your wants and the consequences of continuance.

Take away the emotion and examine the comment at face value. Is this someone prepared to share his life with another right now? No. Does he foresee himself doing so in the future? Maybe. It isn't definite.

So you’re thinking that maybe he’s not done healing from his precious marriage? I do agree with you if that’s what you meant. I feel like his heart is still hardened. I’m just trying to make sure I understand what you’re saying. I’m thankful for your replies and help.

I've conversed with a lot of men in his situation. Christians and unbelievers. When men are violated emotionally something changes within them. They harden and shut down. Getting them to trust and open up can be very difficult. The deeper the wound the less likely they'll try again. You can't fix him. The Lord has to work this out and he needs to cooperate with the process.

Brokenness is a lengthy road and I've walked many down it. It's longer than most anticipate. You imagine a year or two and you're nearing five and he's still not there. I don't believe in projects. There must be a measure of wholeness within each to sustain the bond. Or it fractures from the weight of your issues. You'll accumulate new problems in the marriage. That's in addition to your baggage. Cleaning house is best. You won't tackle everything but you'll lighten the load.

I knew that dating a previously married man would pose challenges and I was willing to work through those with him. I love him dearly and he makes me happier than anyone ever has.

What would you tell a friend in this situation?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[ReesePiece23]

My initial instinct tells me that it's not over (?) - (I used the question mark in brackets there to highlight my confusion...) But he DEFINITELY is haunted by this previous marriage of his.

Give him space, then regroup next week and have a realistic and practical talk. He's just being a bit silly I think. It seems VERY irrational and just ever so slightly odd.

 

[forgiven104]

forgiven,

What did he communicate directly of his own volition? Women infer a lot. We need to slow down and listen more often. Did he broach marriage and family or chime in when you raised the topic? Remember your earlier comment:

He just said that he didn’t want to get married and I did. And that it wasn’t fair to me anymore. He said, “What if I can’t marry you in 3 more years? You want that and then I will have wasted 6 years of your life.”

Let's unpack it...

From my vantage point, that isn't a we statement. It sounds like he went along for a time. But "anymore" is the smoking gun. The shift didn't happen overnight. Perhaps he accommodated your wishes and realized it was no longer possible.

He countered a rebuttal in the next sentence. It communicates the unlikelihood of change in the near future. He reiterates your wants and the consequences of continuance.

Take away the emotion and examine the comment at face value. Is this someone prepared to share his life with another right now? No. Does he foresee himself doing so in the future? Maybe. It isn't definite.



I've conversed with a lot of men in his situation. Christians and unbelievers. When men are violated emotionally something changes within them. They harden and shut down. Getting them to trust and open up can be very difficult. The deeper the wound the less likely they'll try again. You can't fix him. The Lord has to work this out and he needs to cooperate with the process.

Brokenness is a lengthy road and I've walked many down it. It's longer than most anticipate. You imagine a year or two and you're nearing five and he's still not there. I don't believe in projects. There must be a measure of wholeness within each to sustain the bond. Or it fractures from the weight of your issues. You'll accumulate new problems in the marriage. That's in addition to your baggage. Cleaning house is best. You won't tackle everything but you'll lighten the load.



What would you tell a friend in this situation?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

He brought up the subject of marriage very early on in our relationship as it being the ultimate “goal.” I didn’t not bring it up. He also brought up the topic when he promised me he’d marry me one day. Yes, I have brought these topics up for discussion, but so has he.

If a friend of mine were in this situation, I would tell her to leery of a man who’s afraid of commitment.

 

[forgiven104]

My initial instinct tells me that it's not over (?) - (I used the question mark in brackets there to highlight my confusion...) But he DEFINITELY is haunted by this previous marriage of his.

Give him space, then regroup next week and have a realistic and practical talk. He's just being a bit silly I think. It seems VERY irrational and just ever so slightly odd.

That was my first instinct too, but I’m also hopeful. He is not telling many people, including some people in his family, that we are not together right now.

 

[Sketcher]

I’ll add that he has been married before and it did not end well. Things happened that were beyond his control. Do you think the negativity from his first marriage is affecting this relationship?

I don't see how it couldn't be.

 

[bèlla]

If a friend of mine were in this situation, I would tell her to leery of a man who’s afraid of commitment.

forgiven,

Use this time to commune with God and see what happens. The ball is in his court.

Good luck.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[NerdGirl]

He brought up the subject of marriage very early on in our relationship as it being the ultimate “goal.” I didn’t not bring it up. He also brought up the topic when he promised me he’d marry me one day. Yes, I have brought these topics up for discussion, but so has he.

If a friend of mine were in this situation, I would tell her to leery of a man who’s afraid of commitment.

Men can be dreamy about marriage, just like women can be. Men crave family, home, children, security, happiness. Perhaps the dream was more appealing than the reality, when it came time to actually live it out.