Heartbroken

[forgiven104]

First, I’m going to start with the fact that I simply just need prayers. That’ll help more than anything!

My boyfriend and I had been together for three years. I was under the impression that we were serious and all was well, but he decided to break up with me a couple weeks ago. He told me he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been in a month or so and he needed time and space. Then time and space turned into a breakup. He’d just bough some land a few months ago for us to put a house on.

The reason for the breakup was that I was ready for marriage and kids and he wasn’t. He said I was perfect in every way, but we want different things now. I was shocked and heartbroken. He has cried every time he’s seen me since the break up. Why? Our families are also shocked and upset. He says he loves me, but how?

I pray God is going to create something beautiful out of this.

I’ll add that he has been married before and it did not end well. Things happened that were beyond his control. Do you think the negativity from his first marriage is affecting this relationship?

 

[bèlla]

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting and the unexpected breakup caused you and your former boyfriend pain. It is possible his previous marriage created emotional scars that haven't healed or the prospect of settling down spooked him. He may be wrestling with the problem within himself and time is ideal.

Our experiences can have a significant impact on the heart and psyche. Prayer is a must to bring the matter to God and seek His healing and restoration. However, there's no guarantee he'll move forward. If you wait you must be willing to consider the possibility you won't reconcile.

When he's ready to talk I would encourage you to address the period of discontent he mentioned and discover its roots. It appears he neglected to share his unhappiness and the abrupt withdrawal was his response. If you rekindle the connection you would benefit from pastoral counseling before marrying and strengthening your communication skills.

On another note, were you engaged? Real estate purchases are rarely done haphazardly. Were you living together?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[forgiven104]

Yes, we were living together. He moved in after his new job and needed to live closer. We made a promise that it wouldn’t be long. He bought the land and we had plans of getting married and living out there.

I do think his past has a lot to do with the issues. He has been afraid to acquire marital property because he’s afraid if something happens, he’ll lose it again.

We are currently not speaking, but I pray that God helps me heal or helps us reconcile.

 

[bèlla]

If he suffered significant financial losses in their parting that's hard to forget. It can take years to rebound and some never bounce back.

Were you officially engaged and did you set a date? Or were the plans to marry limited to discussions? How long did you live together?

If he asks for a prenup will you sign it? He may need something solid to ease his fears.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[forgiven104]

He did suffer financial losses and he is still dealing with those. We were not officially engaged, but always talked like we would be someday. Our families didn’t expect this either. We had a great relationship. No fighting or bickering. There wasn’t a certain argument or anything that led to this. He just said that he didn’t want to get married and I did. And that it wasn’t fair to me anymore. He said, “What if I can’t marry you in 3 more years? You want that and then I will have wasted 6 years of your life.”

We lived together for about a year. I honestly didn’t think it would be that long, but I think his fear of marriage prolonged it. I have offered to sign a prenup before and I have even offered to keep financiers separate. I just thought it was something we’d work out. I was willing to compromise, but then he just left.

 

[NerdGirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know it must be heartbreaking and confusing for you.

It does sound like he's just plain scared. And who can blame him? He went through what sounds like a terrible, painful loss already.

Have you considered getting married in the church, but foregoing the legal formalities? Of course, I would recommend educating yourselves thoroughly on the benefits and risks of doing so, but it may help alleviate some of the pressure and fear that he'll be financially ravaged again if things go sour.

For now, give him space, and just pray. Chasing after him won't accomplish anything good.

 

[forgiven104]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know it must be heartbreaking and confusing for you.

It does sound like he's just plain scared. And who can blame him? He went through what sounds like a terrible, painful loss already.

Have you considered getting married in the church, but foregoing the legal formalities? Of course, I would recommend educating yourselves thoroughly on the benefits and risks of doing so, but it may help alleviate some of the pressure and fear that he'll be financially ravaged again if things go sour.

For now, give him space, and just pray. Chasing after him won't accomplish anything good.

Thank you NerdGirl123. It’s been very challenging to deal with and I know I just have to trust God. Even when it’s hard.

I actually didn’t know that a preacher would marry us without the legal formalities. If we ever do discuss this again, then I will bring that up. It’s not the legal formalities that bother me. I’m independent and pay my own bills. I’ve worked hard to get the things I have (and God has blessed me to do so). So I couldn’t imagine trying to drain him after I’ve watched him rebuild himself. I’m almost offended that he even thinks I would do that.

I’m just giving him space and time to think about things. I know marriage is scary at first for everyone, but it’s especially bad for him. If he loves me like he says he does, I pray we can work this out.

 

[NerdGirl]

Thank you NerdGirl123. It’s been very challenging to deal with and I know I just have to trust God. Even when it’s hard.

I actually didn’t know that a preacher would marry us without the legal formalities. If we ever do discuss this again, then I will bring that up. It’s not the legal formalities that bother me. I’m independent and pay my own bills. I’ve worked hard to get the things I have (and God has blessed me to do so). So I couldn’t imagine trying to drain him after I’ve watched him rebuild himself. I’m almost offended that he even thinks I would do that.

I’m just giving him space and time to think about things. I know marriage is scary at first for everyone, but it’s especially bad for him. If he loves me like he says he does, I pray we can work this out.

You'd have to ask around to see who's willing to do what. I think there's a growing trend of Christians who prefer to keep their marriages free from government involvement, but definitely read up all you can so you know the laws in your state, and where your own church stands on such things.

I doubt he actively thinks that you would try to clean him out in the event of a divorce. But when we've been hurt or traumatized, sometimes the reactions are visceral and not logical. The vulnerability required when getting married is immense and scary when you've been burned in the past. No doubt he believed that his first marriage would last forever, too.

Space, time, and prayer. He's been with you for three years and wanted to marry you, so I think it's clear he loves you! I hope that things work out, I really do.

Have you asked him if he's willing to attend some pre-marital counseling? That may help him work through some of his fears.

 

[forgiven104]

You'd have to ask around to see who's willing to do what. I think there's a growing trend of Christians who prefer to keep their marriages free from government involvement, but definitely read up all you can so you know the laws in your state, and where your own church stands on such things.

I doubt he actively thinks that you would try to clean him out in the event of a divorce. But when we've been hurt or traumatized, sometimes the reactions are visceral and not logical. The vulnerability required when getting married is immense and scary when you've been burned in the past. No doubt he believed that his first marriage would last forever, too.

Space, time, and prayer. He's been with you for three years and wanted to marry you, so I think it's clear he loves you! I hope that things work out, I really do.

Have you asked him if he's willing to attend some pre-marital counseling? That may help him work through some of his fears.

Yes, I asked him to attend couples counseling and I even asked if we could just take a step back and date. Like high school kids or something, but he wouldn’t go for it at the time. Things were still fresh though and he’d just moved his stuff out. I have not talked to him in about a week.

He even promised me about this time last year that “he would marry me one day.” I don’t understand how he went from that to where we are now.

I guess just give him space and pray?

 

[bèlla]

He did suffer financial losses and he is still dealing with those. We were not officially engaged, but always talked like we would be someday.

forgiven,

Thank you for sharing.

I don't know your ages but the absence of firmness on the subject is concerning. Many women find themselves in similar situations with open promises with no end in mind. When a man addresses marriage without engagement or a time frame in hand, it's an idea. That's how I see it. I don't stake my heart on it without something tangible. The land was purchased in his name. If he had the resources to buy land he had enough for an engagement ring.

You lived together. I'm uncertain if you were physically intimate. He may be wrestling with the realization he doesn't want to marry and would prefer a long-term relationship instead. A lot of men in his position are opting to do the same.

Have you prayed about this? How long was he married?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[bèlla]

An important facet of relationships is meting out intimacy and companionship. When you're functioning like a married couple in spirit or playing house you've gone too far. It diminishes the anticipation of the real thing. Making it official is more like a formality than the furtherance of the bond. Each stage has a purpose and requisite form of connection.

This isn't taught to women very frequently these days. The notion of restraint is foreign. We do too much and go too far and leave little to the imagination. And wonder is powerful. His departure may be the avenue for putting things back in order.

The pleasures of your housekeeping, meals, and niceties of a woman's touch and presence are a privilege. He experiences them on occasion as a partner. But your spouse gets the whole kahuna. The delight of having it all the time is one of the reasons he seals the deal.

Don't give it away. You must hold something in reserve for your beloved. He deserves the best of your person. He's pledged forever. Honor that in your countenance. Be kind and giving. But don't be a wife. He hasn't earned it yet.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Yes, God makes messages out of our messes. But it's a good reminder not to ask God to bless our Ishmaels when He's told us otherwise. In other words, we can't shack up with the devil and expect God to pay our bills.

 

[NerdGirl]

Yes, I asked him to attend couples counseling and I even asked if we could just take a step back and date. Like high school kids or something, but he wouldn’t go for it at the time. Things were still fresh though and he’d just moved his stuff out. I have not talked to him in about a week.

He even promised me about this time last year that “he would marry me one day.” I don’t understand how he went from that to where we are now.

I guess just give him space and pray?

That choice will be yours, my dear. He's the one who's chosen to walk away. And while we understand that his reasons may be sympathetic, the fact remains that he's left the woman he intended to marry. In my view, you aren't obligated in any way to wait around for him. Has he given you any sort of assurance or hope that this break is temporary? Did he leave it open-ended, like "I don't know what will happen next"?

A week is not long. I would give it more time, personally, but that's just my opinion.

The fact that he is not only divorced, but now refusing to marry again, is very concerning. Again, I understand his fear, and I have sympathy for both of you. But whether this man will make a reliable, committed husband, remains to be seen.

 

[NerdGirl]

An important facet of relationships is meting out intimacy and companionship. When you're functioning like a married couple in spirit or playing house you've gone too far. It diminishes the anticipation of the real thing. Making it official is more like a formality than the furtherance of the bond. Each stage has a purpose and requisite form of connection.

This isn't taught to women very frequently these days. The notion of restraint is foreign. We do too much and go too far and leave little to the imagination. And wonder is powerful. His departure may be the avenue for putting things back in order.

The pleasures of your housekeeping, meals, and niceties of a woman's touch and presence are a privilege. He experiences them on occasion as a partner. But your spouse gets the whole kahuna. The delight of having it all the time is one of the reasons he seals the deal.

Don't give it away. You must hold something in reserve for your beloved. He deserves the best of your person. He's pledged forever. Honor that in your countenance. Be kind and giving. But don't be a wife. He hasn't earned it yet.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

THIS. This, this, this, this.

 

[forgiven104]

An important facet of relationships is meting out intimacy and companionship. When you're functioning like a married couple in spirit or playing house you've gone too far. It diminishes the anticipation of the real thing. Making it official is more like a formality than the furtherance of the bond. Each stage has a purpose and requisite form of connection.

This isn't taught to women very frequently these days. The notion of restraint is foreign. We do too much and go too far and leave little to the imagination. And wonder is powerful. His departure may be the avenue for putting things back in order.

The pleasures of your housekeeping, meals, and niceties of a woman's touch and presence are a privilege. He experiences them on occasion as a partner. But your spouse gets the whole kahuna. The delight of having it all the time is one of the reasons he seals the deal.

Don't give it away. You must hold something in reserve for your beloved. He deserves the best of your person. He's pledged forever. Honor that in your countenance. Be kind and giving. But don't be a wife. He hasn't earned it yet.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

I understand and agree with you. In regards to your above post, he was only married for about a year and a half. He said the woman changed completely after they married.

I honestly had been praying that God would lead him to feel ready for marriage so we could live together without it being a sin and we could start to serve the Lord together. His sister said she’d been praying the same prayer. I was very close with his family. I guess I just didn’t expect him to walk away instead of getting married. I know God has a plan and he’s in control, but I pray so hard that we can give this another go and do it RIGHT.

 

[forgiven104]

That choice will be yours, my dear. He's the one who's chosen to walk away. And while we understand that his reasons may be sympathetic, the fact remains that he's left the woman he intended to marry. In my view, you aren't obligated in any way to wait around for him. Has he given you any sort of assurance or hope that this break is temporary? Did he leave it open-ended, like "I don't know what will happen next"?

A week is not long. I would give it more time, personally, but that's just my opinion.

The fact that he is not only divorced, but now refusing to marry again, is very concerning. Again, I understand his fear, and I have sympathy for both of you. But whether this man will make a reliable, committed husband, remains to be seen.

He has not really said anything about it being temporary. He said maybe we could give it another shot down the road, but he felt it was best for us to part ways right now.

I have often wondered that myself. He was so easy to walk away and didn’t want to put much effort into fixing this. It’s just like he made the decision and I didn’t have a say.

 

[bèlla]

I honestly had been praying that God would lead him to feel ready for marriage so we could live together without it being a sin and we could start to serve the Lord together.

forgiven,

What was his dream for the two of you? Did it include the things you've shared? Unfortunately, you're dealing with the consequences of his previous marriage. You weren't responsible for the hurt he encountered or the losses. But you're paying the price to some degree.

I advise women to be mindful of the flaws they can handle. Dating someone with a failed marriage will include a measure of baggage. You can't get around it. The magnitude of distrust and bitterness differs for each. If he's taken the time to heal and allowed the Lord to restore his heart it may be lessened. No one goes unscathed when hurt occurs.

You've invested three years thus far with no idea if you'll reconcile or when marriage might occur. You're seeing his emotional condition firsthand. You must decide if you're willing to stick it out with the understanding he isn't done. It may take a while for him to settle in.

This is where maturity, personality, and spiritual gifts come into play. He needs a patient companion who's empathetic and willing to set boundaries. The hot and cold would wreak havoc on someone with less fortitude. He'd wound her unintentionally. Can your heart withstand the same? The push and pull may continue for a time.

If I were mentoring you, I wouldn't advise a lengthy wait or putting your life on hold. I'd encourage you to pick up the pieces and deepen your relationship with God and allow Him to minister to your heart. If he approaches later, I'd encourage you to determine what changed and his ability to stay the course.

At this point, it's all or nothing. I wouldn't repeat the past.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[forgiven104]

forgiven,

What was his dream for the two of you? Did it include the things you've shared? Unfortunately, you're dealing with the consequences of his previous marriage. You weren't responsible for the hurt he encountered or the losses. But you're paying the price to some degree.

I advise women to be mindful of the flaws they can handle. Dating someone with a failed marriage will include a measure of baggage. You can't get around it. The magnitude of distrust and bitterness differs for each. If he's taken the time to heal and allowed the Lord to restore his heart it may be lessened. No one goes unscathed when hurt occurs.

You've invested three years thus far with no idea if you'll reconcile or when marriage might occur. You're seeing his emotional condition firsthand. You must decide if you're willing to stick it out with the understanding he isn't done. It may take a while for him to settle in.

This is where maturity, personality, and spiritual gifts come into play. He needs a patient companion who's empathetic and willing to set boundaries. The hot and cold would wreak havoc on someone with less fortitude. He'd wound her unintentionally. Can your heart withstand the same? The push and pull may continue for a time.

If I were mentoring you, I wouldn't advise a lengthy wait or putting your life on hold. I'd encourage you to pick up the pieces and deepen your relationship with God and allow Him to minister to your heart. If he approaches later, I'd encourage you to determine what changed and his ability to stay the course.

At this point, it's all or nothing. I wouldn't repeat the past.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

I thought our dream was to get married, put a house on the land, have children, and just love life together. We had hobbies together and enjoyed doing this together. I knew that dating a previously married man would pose challenges and I was willing to work through those with him. I love him dearly and he makes me happier than anyone ever has.

So you’re thinking that maybe he’s not done healing from his precious marriage? I do agree with you if that’s what you meant. I feel like his heart is still hardened. I’m just trying to make sure I understand what you’re saying. I’m thankful for your replies and help.

I realize that I should’ve set boundaries in the first place. I’m using this time to dive into prayer and read my bible. I’m praying for God to lead our paths. Like I said, I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t think he’d be so easy to just give up.

 

[NerdGirl]

I understand and agree with you. In regards to your above post, he was only married for about a year and a half. He said the woman changed completely after they married.

I honestly had been praying that God would lead him to feel ready for marriage so we could live together without it being a sin and we could start to serve the Lord together. His sister said she’d been praying the same prayer. I was very close with his family. I guess I just didn’t expect him to walk away instead of getting married. I know God has a plan and he’s in control, but I pray so hard that we can give this another go and do it RIGHT.

Hindsight is all too often 20/20. Surrender it all completely, because God has a plan for you, as well as for him!

 

[NerdGirl]

He has not really said anything about it being temporary. He said maybe we could give it another shot down the road, but he felt it was best for us to part ways right now.

I have often wondered that myself. He was so easy to walk away and didn’t want to put much effort into fixing this. It’s just like he made the decision and I didn’t have a say.

Ouch My heart hurts for you.

I'm so sorry. This seems like a situation where "let go and let God" is the best advice.

Hugs!