Heartbroken, need help.

[Nola34]

I met an amazing woman about a month ago and things were clicking left and right. We had unbelievable chemistry and things in common.
She's 31 and I'm 39 years old.
We talked and texted almost every day. Kissed but no sex, although she slept over a few times. She even brought some facial cleaner and shampoo over to leave at my house.
She lives an hour away from me, but works close to my area.

Anyway she was married before for 5 years and for 3 years during her marriage, they were in counseling and then she divorced. And she's been single for a little over a year.

Anyway last Monday she called me to tell me that she can't move forward. I was very polite and sympathetic for her. At the time I didn't tell her that I didn't want to move forward since it's only been a month.
I wish I did, but we aren't really talking, just texting every now and then.

The long of the short of it, I'm crushed. Crazy I know, it's only been a month that we dated.
And I can't seem to get over it. I do admit that we moved a little fast.

I texted her Wednesday saying that I wanted to talk a little more, she said ok. But she was at work. Then she texted me Friday telling me she hasn't forgotten about me, just really sick.

No conversation yet. But waiting patiently and giving her space.

Anyway how would you handle this and if worst case aka not working it out? How in the heck do heal faster, because it hurts.

Thanks.

 

[Ken Rank]

I met an amazing woman about a month ago and things were clicking left and right. We had unbelievable chemistry and things in common.
She's 31 and I'm 39 years old.
We talked and texted almost every day. Kissed but no sex, although she slept over a few times. She even brought some facial cleaner and shampoo over to leave at my house.
She lives an hour away from me, but works close to my area.

Anyway she was married before for 5 years and for 3 years during her marriage, they were in counseling and then she divorced. And she's been single for a little over a year.

Anyway last Monday she called me to tell me that she can't move forward. I was very polite and sympathetic for her. At the time I didn't tell her that I didn't want to move forward since it's only been a month.
I wish I did, but we aren't really talking, just texting every now and then.

The long of the short of it, I'm crushed. Crazy I know, it's only been a month that we dated.
And I can't seem to get over it. I do admit that we moved a little fast.

I texted her Wednesday saying that I wanted to talk a little more, she said ok. But she was at work. Then she texted me Friday telling me she hasn't forgotten about me, just really sick.

No conversation yet. But waiting patiently and giving her space.

Anyway how would you handle this and if worst case aka not working it out? How in the heck do heal faster, because it hurts.

Thanks.

No easy answers, sadly. She said she hasn't forgotten, allow her the benefit of the doubt. If she doesn't come through then perhaps she isn't what you thought, anyway. Attraction is a strong emotion that sometimes doesn't allow us to see as clearly as we might otherwise like.

As for healing.. time of course, and that can be aided by involvement... in what? Anything... just go do something, anything. Go feed some homeless at a food bank, volunteer at your church to do some clean-up or something, just fill your time a little for the first couple of weeks and it will pass.

Blessings.

 

[Radrook]

You are only 11 years away from fifty. Forget her and find someone else before those years flip by and your options are drastically reduced. Do not make her the primary focus of your efforts unless she demonstrates that she clearly wants you too. But if she makes you feel like a beggar then do not. Your clock is ticking!

 

[Nola34]

I appreciate it. Before she and I started dating. I asked God to convict both of us if are doing wrong.

When she slept over, a couple times I pursued her sexually by touching only. She responded but stopped when she felt uncomfortable. I respected her decision.
The second time, we were making out and again I tried to resist the urge. I started for a second but backed off.

I feel more guilty about than anything. And I've been overcome with guilt.

I'm going to give her space, in the mean time I'm going to focus on God.

I guess it makes some sense. She told me she couldn't move forward and doesn't know why.

Thank you for your response.

 

[Nola34]

I wanted to add, I honestly felt like I drifted

 

[Radrook]

I wanted to add, I honestly felt like I drifted

We are all drifting as we speak towards that great mysterious darkness from whence we seemed to have miraculously emerged. Sometimes we forget that this is a journey with a beginning a middle and an end stage. That common delusion causes us to squander time as if the present were permanent. To not fully realize that once the endgame stage of life is reached, there is absolutely no turning back. Then we are forced to confront the consequences of our earlier decisions. Forced to ponder and regret lost opportunities. Forced to deeply yearn having done differently. Angered at ourselves for having so flippantly squandered what we had thought of little import at the time but which then, in bitter hindsight, we realize had actually been of inestimable value. In eleven years you will be considered an old man and women in her age bracket will be unavailable unless you are filthy rich or dish out money for a sinful activity. Think about it. Now is the moment to seek someone who will not waste your time. Go to a church of choice and seek a Christian woman. Pray to God and he will provide. Try not be too choosey. The beauty of the heart is worth far more than that of the outside.

 

[Nola34]

I appreciate the honest answer and compassion.

You're right. I guess at my age I was getting frustrated. I was hoping this was it. But maybe not.

I'm going to go to church and start getting involved. And continue to trust God.
Thank you again.

 

[Soyeong]

I appreciate it. Before she and I started dating. I asked God to convict both of us if are doing wrong.

When she slept over, a couple times I pursued her sexually by touching only. She responded but stopped when she felt uncomfortable. I respected her decision.
The second time, we were making out and again I tried to resist the urge. I started for a second but backed off.

I feel more guilty about than anything. And I've been overcome with guilt.

I'm going to give her space, in the mean time I'm going to focus on God.

I guess it makes some sense. She told me she couldn't move forward and doesn't know why.

Thank you for your response.

Sex outside of marriage is a sin and you don't need to wait for God to personally convict you to know that that is wrong. She should not be staying over at your house because, as you experienced, the temptation is very strong. However, there is no guilt in only being tempted to sin. It is hard for me to know without having enough information, but if I were to take a guess, I would say that her issue is that it is happening too fast. You now have the opportunity to take things at a slower pace and get to know each other better. Not moving forward is not the same thing as moving backward, so I would give her the space she needs and let her know that you are willing to go at a slower pace.

 

[Nola34]

I agree, and I don't want us sleeping over at each other's house anymore.

It seems that she's distancing herself from me. She did say that she's been sick. And that she will call me when she's better. But I barely recieve a text from her.

I do want to slow it down and set some boundaries but I don't want to push it by calling or texting too much.

I just want to know why she backed off and things went south on her end.

 

[Radrook]

I agree, and I don't want us sleeping over at each other's house anymore.

It seems that she's distancing herself from me. She did say that she's been sick. And that she will call me when she's better. But I barely recieve a text from her.

I do want to slow it down and set some boundaries but I don't want to push it by calling or texting too much.

I just want to know why she backed off and things went south on her end.

She seems to be in a cryptic mode designed to keep you in a quandary. That is the impression I get.

 

[Deidre32]

It could be that things were just moving way too fast. It could also be that she just wasn't feeling it the way you were. She does know ''why,'' she just might not want to hurt you. Be careful to not become placed into the friend zone, where you are doing things for her, but not with her...spending time with her and not seeing others, hoping that she will come around. That happens a lot to guys especially, so be careful that you don't let that happen. Sorry you're hurting. Give your troubles to God and He will heal you.

 

[Nola34]

Thank you I appreciate you praying for me.
Well I spoke to her face to face last week. She had to pick up a few things from my house.

She told me that although she cared for me, wasn't ready to commit to a relationship.
She felt I was falling deeper for her than she was for me.
We agreed to be friends, and she even said that great relationships are built on friendship.
She said she was willing to get together from time to time.

I only texted her a couple times and called her once yesterday to see if she wants to get together.
No definite plans yet.

As for me, I'm going back to church and in a bible study group.
I'm also planning on going back to the gym.

I hate being home though, and I hate this.

Im trying to figure out what to do next. I'm not going to text or call her anymore. Our last conversation, I left the ball in her court to contact me.

I could really use some advice to help move forward.
I don't want to date, I've been online dating with several dates... but no success. I'm honestly burned out.

I'm turning 40 in January and I want to meet someone to settle down with. Just trusting God.

 

[dayhiker]

To me love people as God told us to do is about me getting out among the people, getting to know them and be their friend. I've had to learn a lot of be people's friend. Sometimes its cost me money and doing things I didn't want to do. Buts its made me a much better person. Now people want to be around me. Its given me wisdom that people are interested in hearing what I have to say.
One of the best ways I've found to meet people is meetup.com. I find things meetups that interest me, and go see who I meet.

 

[Nola34]

Just curious, when it's time to get together. What steps should I take to avoid the friend zone. I'm trying to leave my expectations at the door and heal.

It could be that things were just moving way too fast. It could also be that she just wasn't feeling it the way you were. She does know ''why,'' she just might not want to hurt you. Be careful to not become placed into the friend zone, where you are doing things for her, but not with her...spending time with her and not seeing others, hoping that she will come around. That happens a lot to guys especially, so be careful that you don't let that happen. Sorry you're hurting. Give your troubles to God and He will heal you.

 

[Nola34]

Update:

First off, thank you all for your advice and prayers.
I've been getting really close to God than I was in a long time.

I'm letting it go, and I'm trusting God.

As much as it pained me that this relationship ended, I'm grateful. I know where God is leading me now and He's leading me closer to Him.

He is healing my heart, and I realized I have compromised for every relationship. I always put my mate first.

I'm keeping God first, and regardless if I'm single for a short time, or forever, I'm ok with that.

I love the journey God is taking me on. I'm not fully restored, but I'm getting better. And far as a friendship, I'm not worried. If it's meant to be, God will let it happen.

Thank you again and God bless.

 

[dayhiker]

Thank Nola for getting back to us with an update. Its neat to hear your getting close to God and have a new contentment in your life.
Some really push that we should therefore not be in this world and have relationships with the opposite sex. I'm not of that camp of Christians. I think and have done it or keeping close to God and having having good relationships. I really don't get why people set them at opposition to each other. God did tell us to love God and people!

 

[Nola34]

I agree. I'm just taking a breather from dating, and taking time to explore what God has planned for me.

I'm getting involved with church, singles ministry and men's ministry.

I'll start dating eventually.