Heartbroken and Afraid of God

[jlfow]

I write this post in a state of flux. A few years ago God and I were so very very close. I was hearing from Him prophetically, we had a life of profound deep richness. We would work together to change lives. It was a life of adventure (and at times spiritual warfare). At the same time, the bottom began to dangerously fall out of my life. My business of 6 years unraveled overnight. My partner of 5 years parted ways with me during discussions of marriage. Eventually, despite all my efforts to the contrary, I lost everything. I became homeless for 18 months, and had to live with my abusive father's family in another area of the country, as my own mother wouldn't take me in.

Eventually, unemployable, I was able under government funding, to move to the city again where I came from, living with friends, and go back to college. 2 semesters in, I began to manifest dangerous mental health symptoms that would later be diagnosed as a rare brain disorder that would threaten my vision, and is incurable. It also affects my cognition and memory, rendering me unemployable, unless self-employed.

So - I sit here, with an arts background, my vision in danger - and ask God - what now... My life was fine and dandy, incredible actually, until the moment HE came into my life. Now my entire life is in ruins.

There is a foul paradox that lies inside of me that will not rest. I knew a wonderful God for a while. Someone who was enchanting, wise, mesmerizing... what happened? Did I tick Him off? Why did He rip my life apart? I have prayed and prayed for an answer to what's going on, because my relationship with Him has soured to the point of regret and remorse. I am like a little child who wants to swim again, but is afraid to even stick their toe in water again for fear of drowning. I miss Him. But I am so afraid of the cost. It is to the point now that I cannot bear to step inside of a church because I can scarcely believe the love language that I hear...

My faith is gone. I need concrete answers. Help?

 

[God is good]

I write this post in a state of flux. A few years ago God and I were so very very close. I was hearing from Him prophetically, we had a life of profound deep richness. We would work together to change lives. It was a life of adventure (and at times spiritual warfare). At the same time, the bottom began to dangerously fall out of my life. My business of 6 years unraveled overnight. My partner of 5 years parted ways with me during discussions of marriage. Eventually, despite all my efforts to the contrary, I lost everything. I became homeless for 18 months, and had to live with my abusive father's family in another area of the country, as my own mother wouldn't take me in.

Eventually, unemployable, I was able under government funding, to move to the city again where I came from, living with friends, and go back to college. 2 semesters in, I began to manifest dangerous mental health symptoms that would later be diagnosed as a rare brain disorder that would threaten my vision, and is incurable. It also affects my cognition and memory, rendering me unemployable, unless self-employed.

So - I sit here, with an arts background, my vision in danger - and ask God - what now... My life was fine and dandy, incredible actually, until the moment HE came into my life. Now my entire life is in ruins.

There is a foul paradox that lies inside of me that will not rest. I knew a wonderful God for a while. Someone who was enchanting, wise, mesmerizing... what happened? Did I tick Him off? Why did He rip my life apart? I have prayed and prayed for an answer to what's going on, because my relationship with Him has soured to the point of regret and remorse. I am like a little child who wants to swim again, but is afraid to even stick their toe in water again for fear of drowning. I miss Him. But I am so afraid of the cost. It is to the point now that I cannot bear to step inside of a church because I can scarcely believe the love language that I hear...

My faith is gone. I need concrete answers. Help?

I will do the best I can to help you. God loves you so much and the reason for bad things happening isn't because of him, it could be the consequences of living in a fallen world and it's very hard to explain why it happened but I will pray for you and remember God loves you so much and maybe his plan for you is so big that it'll blow your socks off and I really struggle too because I have religious ocd and I have lots of intrusive thoughts but I know that God loves me and God will always be with you and just try to keep praying, and stay close to God because he loves you and sorry if I wasn't much help. God bless you and Jesus is Lord over all

 

[EmmaCat]

I'm praying for you!

 

[Fireflies]

Everything you posted was eerily me from a few years ago.

It's a mixed answer jlfow, the WHY behind the suffering. I see a few WHYs but not them all. I don't think you will either until we are in eternity.
1st: The enemy WANTS you helpless, hopeless. He can limitedly see into the future and see the destiny that God has over your life. He can limitedly see the blessings God is pouring out over you.
And the enemy wants to CRUSH YOU before you can get it. He doesn't want you to walk in your destiny. He doesn't want you to get your coming blessings. He hates you. He doesn't want you to love God. He doesn't want you to worship God. He doesn't want you to be close to God. He wants you separated, like he is. He wants you to hate Him, like he does. He wants you to curse God and never forgive Him. Why? Because you destroy the enemy's plans when you worship God. You pull down his kingdom when you love God. You overcome his armies when you press in to God.
2nd: I don't know what God has in store for you. It may be coming a month from now or several years from now, but it's major. Maybe you had to experience heartache, loss, health problems, family issues during this time because you are going to be in an influential place. In that place of influence you will be able to reach people (or even just one) that no one else could. And that one person (or all those people) is a life worth saving. But, you are influential because you understand. You are truly Jesus on Earth.
Jesus suffered true pain on this earth, to save each one of us. He was poor, homeless, hated, despised, cast out, beaten, tortured, killed.

In the dimension of eternity (because time & space is a dimension that we move through but cannot control. In eternity, we will be outside of it, but able to fully utilize it. We will be like Jesus), you will see the tapestry of the world. You will see your part in all of humanity and see every color woven in together. You will see darkness and light, color and absence of color and every moment that made it. The utter darkness that fills your eyes now, will be revealed to you as part of the tapestry.
It may surprise you to see all the light woven into the dark, as well as the color. It will surprise you to see how your life was so effective to all those you come in contact with.

The tapestry is God's grace.

 

[Fireflies]

I don't always remember, but I try when I do, to ask for God's daily portion of grace.

If you can't bear the pain of where you once were in your love for God, I completely understand. It'll be a process to grow in love again. But it's highly worth it. And what revelation and grace you receive in that process is something no one can take away from you.

You see, I had to go through very similar to be able to tell you this today. At the time, I didn't understand. And no one could help me.
I'm reminded of the Bible verse, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first" (in eternity). Most take that as if you been lowly and last for everything, you will be lifted up. I think there is truth to that. But, I really see it as, someone has to go first in this life. It's not pretty or fun- it's rather lonely. But, someone has to so there will be a helping hand to those coming behind. And one day, in eternity, I will have my rest and get to be last. Same for you!

Peace unto you, in the name of mighty King Jesus!

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[redleghunter]

I write this post in a state of flux. A few years ago God and I were so very very close. I was hearing from Him prophetically, we had a life of profound deep richness. We would work together to change lives. It was a life of adventure (and at times spiritual warfare). At the same time, the bottom began to dangerously fall out of my life. My business of 6 years unraveled overnight. My partner of 5 years parted ways with me during discussions of marriage. Eventually, despite all my efforts to the contrary, I lost everything. I became homeless for 18 months, and had to live with my abusive father's family in another area of the country, as my own mother wouldn't take me in.

Eventually, unemployable, I was able under government funding, to move to the city again where I came from, living with friends, and go back to college. 2 semesters in, I began to manifest dangerous mental health symptoms that would later be diagnosed as a rare brain disorder that would threaten my vision, and is incurable. It also affects my cognition and memory, rendering me unemployable, unless self-employed.

So - I sit here, with an arts background, my vision in danger - and ask God - what now... My life was fine and dandy, incredible actually, until the moment HE came into my life. Now my entire life is in ruins.

There is a foul paradox that lies inside of me that will not rest. I knew a wonderful God for a while. Someone who was enchanting, wise, mesmerizing... what happened? Did I tick Him off? Why did He rip my life apart? I have prayed and prayed for an answer to what's going on, because my relationship with Him has soured to the point of regret and remorse. I am like a little child who wants to swim again, but is afraid to even stick their toe in water again for fear of drowning. I miss Him. But I am so afraid of the cost. It is to the point now that I cannot bear to step inside of a church because I can scarcely believe the love language that I hear...

My faith is gone. I need concrete answers. Help?

I can only provide advice from my experience.

I was taught clearly by God that I could not serve two masters. He made it painfully clear and that instruction changed my life.

I also learned that during the greatest trials our closeness to God seems to fade. Like a teacher is silent while the students are taking a test.

You are having a very rough time and your life is filled with challenges. I will not pretend I can relate as I am not you. However, as a brother in Christ I will pray for you. You are not alone as Christ is with you. If you are not in direct fellowship with other Christians and in a church, I recommend you do so. Talk to a pastor and fellow Christians. It is our mission as the Body of Christ to share each other's burdens.

You are not alone. Let me introduce you to a lady named Diane Dew. She went home to the Lord years ago but her experiences still inspire Christians :

A Love I Could Not Deny - by Diane Dew

God Bless and prayers offered .

May the Grace and Peace of Almighty God rest on you.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I write this post in a state of flux. A few years ago God and I were so very very close. I was hearing from Him prophetically, we had a life of profound deep richness. We would work together to change lives. It was a life of adventure (and at times spiritual warfare). At the same time, the bottom began to dangerously fall out of my life. My business of 6 years unraveled overnight. My partner of 5 years parted ways with me during discussions of marriage. Eventually, despite all my efforts to the contrary, I lost everything. I became homeless for 18 months, and had to live with my abusive father's family in another area of the country, as my own mother wouldn't take me in.

Eventually, unemployable, I was able under government funding, to move to the city again where I came from, living with friends, and go back to college. 2 semesters in, I began to manifest dangerous mental health symptoms that would later be diagnosed as a rare brain disorder that would threaten my vision, and is incurable. It also affects my cognition and memory, rendering me unemployable, unless self-employed.

So - I sit here, with an arts background, my vision in danger - and ask God - what now... My life was fine and dandy, incredible actually, until the moment HE came into my life. Now my entire life is in ruins.

There is a foul paradox that lies inside of me that will not rest. I knew a wonderful God for a while. Someone who was enchanting, wise, mesmerizing... what happened? Did I tick Him off? Why did He rip my life apart? I have prayed and prayed for an answer to what's going on, because my relationship with Him has soured to the point of regret and remorse. I am like a little child who wants to swim again, but is afraid to even stick their toe in water again for fear of drowning. I miss Him. But I am so afraid of the cost. It is to the point now that I cannot bear to step inside of a church because I can scarcely believe the love language that I hear...

My faith is gone. I need concrete answers. Help?

Here's my view. When my first wife left me and I basically lost everything, including watching my small daughter growing up, it seemed that the Lord came and stood beside me, put His hand on my shoulder and said, "I am your strength and shield, a very present help in time of trouble." This did not make me grieve any less, but when I got over my grief, my faith in God was much stronger because of what He said that day.

God does not promise that we are going to live comfortable lives. We have to go through the valleys as well as scale the heights. The Psalmist said, "Though I go through the valley of the shadow of death, Your rod and staff will comfort me." When we are at the lowest point in our lives, it seems that God is as far away from us as He can get. But He is always there. He just hides His face because He wants to strengthen our faith in His Word instead of a tangible presence that we can sense. I remember saying to God on that day my wife left me, "Now I will know whether I am a real Christian or not."

Shortly after that, I ministered in a home group and the Holy Spirit gave me a prophecy for every person there. It was remarkable because every prophecy was totally accurate to the point where the normally quiet Methodist group were hooping and hollering because a complete stranger had come into their midst and giving words that made it appear that he was reading their mail! This had never happened to me before, and has never happened since. I asked God why He did this. He replied, "I just wanted you to know I was still around."

I think of those early Christians who had to face the lions in the arena, and those faithful believers who were burned at the stake for their insistence on believing and preaching God's Word. And the Coptic Christians who were recently beheaded by Isis because they would not embrace Islam. We have not yet had to face those trials, and I don't know whether I could without the grace of God.

So, re-read the gospels and the letters and build up your faith from them. Read the Psalms out loud to God. See how many Psalms speak of "where is God when I need him?" Even our Saviour cried out on the Cross, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

At the start of 2Corinthians, Paul relates how he was so hard pressed in Asia that he despaired of life itself. He was shipwrecked, went hungry, was stoned by an angry mob, whipped and thrown in prison, and imprisoned in Rome. I don't think he always felt good about those things. He said near the end of his life to Timothy, "They have all forsaken me."

So be encouraged. God has not deserted you. You still have the Holy Spirit living in you. He has allowed you to experience these things because He wants to take your dependence off the things of this world and to strengthen your faith in Him. Read the book of Job. What happened to him at the end of the story. God restored to him twice what he had lost. I believe God will restore not only what you have lost, but He will give back two fold. You will find a job that will bless you and set you up for the future. You will find another partner who will be twice the blessing as your former one. Any possessions you have lost will be restored two fold.

I could go on about what the Lord restored to me ten years after the breakup of my first marriage. I went through ten years of storm and stress as far as relationships and material possession were concerned. Then God restored all those things in abundance, because I kept true to His Word and kept on believing Him, even though He had to bail me out of some tricky situations at times when I had tried to meet my own needs my own way. I won't bore you with the details.

Commit your way to the Lord, lean not to your own understanding, and He will direct your paths. God is the kindest, most faithful Person you will ever meet and know. Trust Him.