Heart cracking

[AirForceTeacher]

For those who havn't read my other posts, my marriage is i na rough sport right now. We had entered counseling and things were *OK* I thought. I went on a business trip and came back to a very cold wife. After a little talk where I agreed that I wasn't doing what I needed, and couple more counseling sessions, I found out that she kissed another man. She was attracted to him, he was attracted to her, and she felt "alive" where she didn't feel it with me. She says there's no future with hm and she does want us to work.

She, our counselor and a good friend all have told me that I don't need to know who. She says that what's important for me to know is why she was in that position,

I am torn up over that kiss. I want to move forward with her, but I'm stalling. I see her at dance lessons and she has a cheerful look and chats with this one guy very often. She says that it's because he's new to the lessons and she likes helping him out. Truthfully, she loves helping out new dancers, and she and I will often split off with aother couple to help them out when they're new.

Right now, she doesn't talk to me with that level of cheerfulness and I feel left out, and yes, jealous when I see her talk to another man that way.

I don't see how to get past this. I'm told to just love her, and show her love and let her move on her own pace - which I think is true. BUt the heartache from thinking of her kissing another man, or wanting another man is crushing me.

I just put up family pictures at work (I usually don't have a desk, so this is the first time I've had pics on my desk in a while.) Everytime I look at her picture, I try to think of my love for her and how much she loves me, but the doubt just kills me.

I don't know how to get past this. She still lays in bed iwth her head on my chest, but that's just about the extent of affection I get from her.

Pary for me that I can show her the love she needs no matter what she shows me, and that I can stop being so jealous when she talkes to another man.

 

[highranger]

..if you want to work this out..you have to give all of the thoughts of her and the other man to God..admit that it is something that you can't handle with your human emotions and thoughts and let God have it..then the next time the devil tries to bring you down by putting those thoughts in you head remind him you gave all that to God and tell the devil if he wants to chat about it to go see God..because that is where you left those past problems..always remember their is "no future in the past",,..move on from today..let everyday be a new day for you to revive your love with you wife..let it grow stronger each day..but stay away from the past..having thoughts of it just give the devil enough room to come in and reak havic on ya..we will be praying for ya..remember the woman brought in to be stoned and Jesus ask for he that is without sin through the first and all had to walk away....
may God bless you with strength during this time..!!

 

[cjba]

If you truly want your relationship to work you need to work on forgiveness. You are still holding on to something she has already let go.

It will put an imaginary wall between you two if you hold on to this picture you have in your mind. She told you she is want you both to work. Trust her and you may have a chance.

 

[HisWillTew]

I know that this is a tough time for you, from all of your previous posts. Prayer and trust in God is your best friend right now.

For what it's worth, I would gladly trade places with you at the moment, though I wouldn't want you in my position. I may never have the pleasure of getting any affection from my wife again, and it has been a very long time since there has been any at all. That, too, rests in God's hands.

 

[theend0218]

I do not know the history of your relationship, so my thoughts may be off base. That said:

Both of you obviously have issues to work through. However, if you desire to have a peaceful life the first step is in admitting that you cannot control her. You cannot change the past. You cannot control the future. What you can do is to work on changing yourself. While this may hurt, the truth is that whether you and your wife work out or not, you owe it to yourself to find a way to enjoy your life.

One of the best analogies I have heard goes like this: A plus B equals C. In this case the C represents your marriage. You and your wife are the A and B. The point is that even if only A or B change, C changes. You have already experienced this truth. If you change, your marriage will change. You cannot control the end result of that change, but you can ensure that your part in the change is a positive one. At this point, you have to trust that God loves your wife and is working with her as He is with you.

I would suggest that you come to terms with the fact that you are angry and afraid, and undoubtedly feeling sorry for yourself. All of this is understandable. You may have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot change any of these emotions today. Acceptance is always a good thing. You do not have to like what has happened, nor like where you are right now. But denial does not help. Trying to force yourself to feel differently probably will not work. I would suggest some private sessions to work on these emtional issues.

I have some other suggestions but would need to know more about you. If you want to talk PM me. I wish you the best.

 

[seebs]

Sometimes, the best way to find out the grass is actually no greener on the other side of the fence is to actually walk up to the fence and peek over it and have a good look.

 

[Autumnleaf]

She, our counselor and a good friend all have told me that I don't need to know who. She says that what's important for me to know is why she was in that position,

I would argue that what is important is your wife chose to kiss another man. She chose to do this of her own free will under no duress. From my perspective, if you don't hold her responsible for this you invite her to go farther next time such a situation comes up...

 

[HisWillTew]

I would argue that what is important is your wife chose to kiss another man. She chose to do this of her own free will under no duress. From my perspective, if you don't hold her responsible for this you invite her to go farther next time such a situation comes up...

"...Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and delivery us from evil..."

 

[Autumnleaf]

"...Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and delivery us from evil..."

Forgiveness and inviting someone someone to repeatedly mistreat you are not the same thing.

 

[sdmsanjose]

AirForceTeacher,

I have been somewhat in your situation years ago. I am going to follow up on a post by theend0218.

theend0218 quote
“…However, if you desire to have a peaceful life the first step is in admitting that you cannot control her. You cannot change the past. You cannot control the future. What you can do is to work on changing yourself. While this may hurt, the truth is that whether you and your wife work out or not, you owe it to yourself to find a way to enjoy your life. “


There are many aspects to your situation but I am going to address what I feel is one of the most important. I would like to add to the quote above.

What you can do is find a way to reduce or eliminate your thoughts about your wife kissing another man and the lack of affection you are receiving from your wife.

One good way I found is to change your life so as to please God more and therefore you get closer to God. That is a full time job and can keep you busy most of the time and help keep your mind off that which is “crushing you”. I was not able to do that all the time but every time I did it helped.

Lets face it, your emotions are in bad shape right now and you need someone to assure you, you are going to be all right, you need someone you can trust 100%, and you need someone that loves you unconditionally. Right now your wife cannot provide any of those for you. Even if your wife could provide one of those needs you have, read the quote above. It says “….you cannot control her”. You can ‘…work on changing you” God is the only one that can meet all three of those emotional requirements.

You can use the pain you now have to motivate you to get closer to God and become a better man or you can let this pain “crush you”. This situation will make you bitter or better but you will be the one that has the choice to take the appropriate action. It will be hard at times and you may fail at times but keep getting up. God has given you free will choice so use it to improve YOUR spiritual life by taking ACTIONS that you know will please God. Just ask God to lead you to the right help that can help you do your part. I know that God uses people to help others and it is important that you get the right ones. My guess is that there are already things that you KNOW that God wants you to do so don’t delay.

Don’t worry about God doing his part you do yours and trust Him on His.

You can turn this into a growing and winning outcome but it will take actions and time.

 

[Barraco]

I do not know the history of your relationship, so my thoughts may be off base. That said:

Both of you obviously have issues to work through. However, if you desire to have a peaceful life the first step is in admitting that you cannot control her. You cannot change the past. You cannot control the future. What you can do is to work on changing yourself. While this may hurt, the truth is that whether you and your wife work out or not, you owe it to yourself to find a way to enjoy your life.

One of the best analogies I have heard goes like this: A plus B equals C. In this case the C represents your marriage. You and your wife are the A and B. The point is that even if only A or B change, C changes. You have already experienced this truth. If you change, your marriage will change. You cannot control the end result of that change, but you can ensure that your part in the change is a positive one. At this point, you have to trust that God loves your wife and is working with her as He is with you.

I would suggest that you come to terms with the fact that you are angry and afraid, and undoubtedly feeling sorry for yourself. All of this is understandable. You may have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot change any of these emotions today. Acceptance is always a good thing. You do not have to like what has happened, nor like where you are right now. But denial does not help. Trying to force yourself to feel differently probably will not work. I would suggest some private sessions to work on these emtional issues.

I have some other suggestions but would need to know more about you. If you want to talk PM me. I wish you the best.

My wife and me are goign through the same situation. She kissed another man that she at first suggested she didn't like. Now she has feelings for him, but has agreed on Counceling and has agreed to not talk to him. She showed everyone else same cheerful disposition as me. The truth of it is is that we are both young and she lives for excitement and I'm not exciting right now. What has helped me hold off is by talking with those I trust and staying preoccupied. I still talk to her everyday, but with the mindset of making this work.

I have a plan and was wondering if this would work. She has stopped falling for me since I started following God's commandments more closely, namely the Sabbath. She says its wierd and could risk our family. Basically she doesn't trust or love God half as much as I do. But she also doesn't have a job either, so everyday is playday to her. Could it be possible to catch her affection if I was indeed showing that I can have fun regardless of how bad she is treating me?

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I have a plan and was wondering if this would work. She has stopped falling for me since I started following God's commandments more closely, namely the Sabbath. She says its wierd and could risk our family. Basically she doesn't trust or love God half as much as I do. But she also doesn't have a job either, so everyday is playday to her. Could it be possible to catch her affection if I was indeed showing that I can have fun regardless of how bad she is treating me?

I do recommend the book, "His Needs, Her Needs." Our counselor has mentioned it, so I bought it. I've only started reading it - it's a little painful and it hurts my pride.

Basically, some need of hers is not being met by you. Everyone is different, but most women have the same 5 basic needs on their top 5, and most men have a different set in their top 5, although both men and women want all ten needs met.

Good book. You can read the beginning at Amazon.com

 

[Autumnleaf]

My wife and me are goign through the same situation. She kissed another man that she at first suggested she didn't like. Now she has feelings for him, but has agreed on Counceling and has agreed to not talk to him. She showed everyone else same cheerful disposition as me. The truth of it is is that we are both young and she lives for excitement and I'm not exciting right now. What has helped me hold off is by talking with those I trust and staying preoccupied. I still talk to her everyday, but with the mindset of making this work.

I have a plan and was wondering if this would work. She has stopped falling for me since I started following God's commandments more closely, namely the Sabbath. She says its wierd and could risk our family. Basically she doesn't trust or love God half as much as I do. But she also doesn't have a job either, so everyday is playday to her. Could it be possible to catch her affection if I was indeed showing that I can have fun regardless of how bad she is treating me?

I'd kick her out so she has to find a job to support herself. Then maybe she'll respect and love you more for the sacrifice you make.

 

[c1ners]

I'd kick her out so she has to find a job to support herself. Then maybe she'll respect and love you more for the sacrifice you make.

Such big talk.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Such big talk.

What would you expect would work?

Him: "Please respect me and love me."

Her: You fill in the blank.

For some odd reason women aren't usually attracted to whiney men. Women do respond to emotionally strong men who aren't afraid to call a woman on it when she's mistreating him.

 

[Barraco]

I'd kick her out so she has to find a job to support herself. Then maybe she'll respect and love you more for the sacrifice you make.

Right, but a woman who is too cowardly to make a good relationship work will be just as cowardly in the outside world. In otherwords, she'd probably find another guy to take care of her fast, then she'll get her things straight, and I guarantee that after that, she won't be coming back to me. Some people act off impulse, they don't really think things through....then again, its hard to think things through when all you are concerned with is being happy and staying that way. I think she is trying to cheat her way into happiness that doesn't stop instead of working for it like the rest of us. Happiness doesn't come free and it takes hard work. If she can't stay in a relationship because she isn't happy or satisfied, then she'll never know what true happiness really is. The world has a very watered down version of happiness that never really lasts. I think if she chooses to build a happy life with me, she can. But if she leaves me, she forfits a shot at a happy life. I've seen what divorce can do to people.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Right, but a woman who is too cowardly to make a good relationship work will be just as cowardly in the outside world. In otherwords, she'd probably find another guy to take care of her fast, then she'll get her things straight, and I guarantee that after that, she won't be coming back to me. Some people act off impulse, they don't really think things through....then again, its hard to think things through when all you are concerned with is being happy and staying that way. I think she is trying to cheat her way into happiness that doesn't stop instead of working for it like the rest of us. Happiness doesn't come free and it takes hard work. If she can't stay in a relationship because she isn't happy or satisfied, then she'll never know what true happiness really is. The world has a very watered down version of happiness that never really lasts. I think if she chooses to build a happy life with me, she can. But if she leaves me, she forfits a shot at a happy life. I've seen what divorce can do to people.

You just defined the relationship you have as well as the type of woman you married. If your wife would shack up with another guy if you kicked her out for disrespecting you, then you can choose to put up with it until she chooses to leave you or one of you dies. I wouldn't count on her changing how she treats you because people seldom change. Its your life, so live it man!

 

[HisWillTew]

You just defined the relationship you have as well as the type of woman you married. If your wife would shack up with another guy if you kicked her out for disrespecting you, then you can choose to put up with it until she chooses to leave you or one of you dies. I wouldn't count on her changing how she treats you because people seldom change. Its your life, so live it man!

This is a Christian forum, right?

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Autumnleaf Please take this discussion to a new thread. I'm posting out of my pain and looking for ways to change myself, and all you can do is come in here and bash women. Please show some compassion and take this discussion elsewhere.

 

[HisWillTew]

Autumnleaf Please take this discussion to a new thread. I'm posting out of my pain and looking for ways to change myself, and all you can do is come in here and bash women. Please show some compassion and take this discussion elsewhere.

God Bless you, AFT, and I will continue to keep you, your wife and your marriage in my prayers. I can assure you that I come here to uplift my fellow Christians while also giving whatever practical answers to questions that I can. Our experiences are similar, so I would expect our responses to our situations to be likewise.I ask that you keep my family in your prayers as well my brother.