Heading for a breakdown...

[squigglemonster]

I think this is the first time I have posted in this forum. You'll usually find me over at the ED forum. Occasionally in SI.

I think I am depressed and I don't know what to do.
I think I am heading for a breakdown.

I have so many things going on right now. I should be happy. Stressed, but happy. I have a loving boyfriend, a supportive family (albeit with problems) and an adorable cat. Yet I am depressed, I have an eating disorder, I cut myself and I am suicidal. This is not a suicide threat, or suicide note, I just want to make that clear.

But I do think I am heading for a breakdown. I've recently starting turning to alcohol more. I hardly ever drink but now I get cravings to drink when I am upset, and I can drink quickly, more quickly than I used to.

No, I don't talk to, and have never talked to, a counsellor or therapist about my problems. Any of them.

I guess I don't know why I am posting this.
I know most of the answers will be 'talk to someone' and that's what I would tell myself if I was replying to this too.

But I can't. I don't know why. I don't want to acknowledge this. I feel almost like I shouldn't have these problems. That I deserve them and I should just live with them. Is there anyone who has any things I could do to try to stop feeling this way, anything productive that helps you, anything that you might find stops those suicidal or depressive thoughts?

Maybe I'd just like some hugs. I don't know.
If you got this far, thankyou. It means a lot.

 

[burn97]

First
Here's a good defination of emotional health:' having total peace about who you are, what you're doing, and where you're going, both individually and in relationship to those around you. Another way to look at it is it's feeling totally a peace about the past, present, and future of your life. It's knowing that you're in line with God's ultimate purpose for you and being fulfilled in that. When you have that kind of peace and you no longer live in emotional agony, then you are a success.'

Ready for this? If you have anything less than that, it's not what you deserve. God, our Wonderful Father wants you to have that, and more. He wants you to be happy, not miserable.
We listen to all these lies, we deserve this. This is as good as it's ever gonna be. I'm not worth it, ect. These lies come from one place, and it isn't God.
I'm not very good at giving advice. And I'm not good at putting words together. The only thing that I can do is tell you that I've been through this, I go through this, everyday of my life. Somedays are worse than others, and somedays are great. I've not reached 'emotional health' but I've come so far from the pit that I was in, and all that came from God. He is the ultimate Councelor. Lay your cares upon Him.

'The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' Psalm 34-17-18
Here's one of my favorite verses, because it shows how much God truely loves us, depression and all. And He promises to take it away. Sometimes, well 99% of the time, it isn't all right away. It takes time. Use this time to draw close to Him.
And you knew it was coming
seek help. I know it's hard to ask for help. The idea of talking to a total stranger about your problems... I know. But sometimes 'handling' it by yourself isn't good enough and isn't best. The experts are experts for a reason. But ask God, take this to Him and find out what would be best for you.
You'll find alot of friends here... and always lots of

 

[squigglemonster]

burn97

Thankyou so much for your reply. It helped me. Thankyou.

I am considering talking to a counsellor. Thankyou for welcoming me and for your post, you say you are not good at giving advice, but you did give me very good advice, and you took the time to write a detailed reply, not just a one-liner. That means the world to me. Thankyou.

 

[Taylor43]

Welcome to the cf this is a great place to meet people, i struggle with a eating disorder it is so tough for me to talk to anyone but my counsellor. I am praying for you aand i hope to get to know you more you can always pm me anytime to vent.
Love
Taylor

 

[inHisgripkim]

I think this is the first time I have posted in this forum. You'll usually find me over at the ED forum. Occasionally in SI.

I think I am depressed and I don't know what to do.
I think I am heading for a breakdown.

I have so many things going on right now. I should be happy. Stressed, but happy. I have a loving boyfriend, a supportive family (albeit with problems) and an adorable cat. Yet I am depressed, I have an eating disorder, I cut myself and I am suicidal. This is not a suicide threat, or suicide note, I just want to make that clear.

But I do think I am heading for a breakdown. I've recently starting turning to alcohol more. I hardly ever drink but now I get cravings to drink when I am upset, and I can drink quickly, more quickly than I used to.

No, I don't talk to, and have never talked to, a counsellor or therapist about my problems. Any of them.

I guess I don't know why I am posting this.
I know most of the answers will be 'talk to someone' and that's what I would tell myself if I was replying to this too.

But I can't. I don't know why. I don't want to acknowledge this. I feel almost like I shouldn't have these problems. That I deserve them and I should just live with them. Is there anyone who has any things I could do to try to stop feeling this way, anything productive that helps you, anything that you might find stops those suicidal or depressive thoughts?

Maybe I'd just like some hugs. I don't know.
If you got this far, thankyou. It means a lot.

Dear Hurting Soul:

Years back I, too, I was drowning in a whirlpool of issues and nearly got sucked to the very bottom. I spent three decades fighting mind battles and strongholds on my own. At some point I had to reach out and get help because deep down I wanted to get better and I wanted to live. I knew that I couldn't cope alone any longer. Something was missing inside of me. I was not whole.

I come from a history of sexual abuse which started at the age of five. I was ganged in Jr. High and subject to a Rohipnol assault several years back. When trauma hits a child, it creates waves of turmoil in the mind. I was going crazy, until recently I decided that I couldn't do it on my own. I developed my faith in God and started seeking.

Today, by the Grace of God, I am nearly recovered from the pains of the past. I am contented and happy and a very strong individual because I put God in my heart.

We are spiritual beings. The universe and all creation and its overwhelming beauty could not have been created by gas explosions. The cosmos works in perfect harmony to sustain life upon this planet. Gas explosions couldn't have created such harmoy to sustain life. There is something far greater and far more powerful that is working in this universe.

Develop a strong faith in God. Your strength grows the stronger God is in you.

I would not be living and breathing right now if I hadn't turned my life over to God and started seeking Him in every breath I take. Today, I rejoice and look forward to the beauties that the day brings.

You are in my prayers!!!
Much love and concern,
Kim

 

[squigglemonster]

Taylor
Kim

Thankyou so much for your kind posts. Taylor, I'm sorry you have an ED, but it is wonderful to see that you can talk to someone about it, even if it's just one person. Being able to do that makes a huge difference. You are a strong person and I am sending you a big hug.

Kim, thankyou for sharing your story. You have been through so much but through your words I see your love and faith. It is wonderful that you have so much faith in God and it is wonderful to see His love through you. Thankyou so much for your reply.

 

[Taylor43]

Taylor
Kim

Thankyou so much for your kind posts. Taylor, I'm sorry you have an ED, but it is wonderful to see that you can talk to someone about it, even if it's just one person. Being able to do that makes a huge difference. You are a strong person and I am sending you a big hug.

Kim, thankyou for sharing your story. You have been through so much but through your words I see your love and faith. It is wonderful that you have so much faith in God and it is wonderful to see His love through you. Thankyou so much for your reply.

Yes it is nice to have someone to talk to about my eating disorder but at times it is difficult and so scary. Thankyou for saying i am a strong person not always do i feel that way. You are so strong yourself too by posting to us it takes allot of courage i hope you feel better tonight.

Love
Taylor

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hi Squiggle,
You know what I’m going to say because it really is the way you need to do this. But I don’t want to be a statistic here – you mean too much for me to ever say something that I don’t mean.

You say that you don’t want to acknowledge this, but the way I see it sis, you already have. You might not have said it aloud, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. You’ve written about what’s going on here and that’s awesome! But you’re still being lied to – you aren’t being punished for anything my dear, no matter what the doubts and fears will whisper to you. You deserve a chance at getting help like others have and you know I think it’s the best thing for you to do – talking to the uni counselor has my backing 111%.

You’ll say that you haven’t got time or that you’re really fine, but the truth? Nothing that you’re currently busy with is worth your life and making time to talk to someone needs to be a priority. Forget the extra hours of this and that if you have to. Please, please make this appointment sis. You are so important to so many people – me included – and as your friend I’m asking you with everything I have to please, please go and talk to your uni counselor.

I love you sis .

Shalom,
Steffi

 

[squigglemonster]

Steffi I don't think I can do that. I don't know why. I just can't. I can't talk to a complete stranger about my issues. I just can't. I can't.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

You spoke to me before you knew me well. But if not a complete stranger, then how about a friend (in rl)? I know you've got some awesome friends who care so much about you Hun and they don't strike me as the type of people who will judge you. Sis, I know you don't feel like you can do this and I'm not saying it's easy - but it is worth it.

 

[Soulwings]

Squiggle, sweetie I'm going to reiterate what I've said in other posts. You don't deserve this. It's not what God has intended for your life. He wants to give you the gift of life, but instead Satan is ripping you apart and making you simply exist. You won't be able to fully appreciate the joys of life, no matter how small and simple they are, until you've got these problems cleared away.

Something that always bothered me to hear is "turn to God", as if that is going to automatically solve everything. It's true, it will make things easier to bear, but there is help out there, and I think that you should seek it. From my bottom of my heart, I think you should. Talk to your uni counselor, like Steffi said. Please. I don't want to see my sis's life be so rubbishy ... and it is rubbishy, feeling suicidal, depressed, and having the problems of self injury and eating disorders to deal with. I know that you're strong enough to seek help - and I know that while it seems strange for me to say that seeking help is strong ... it's true. It's not a weak thing to stop denying that you've got a problem. You've already let us know on here the truth, and even if you have to do it through a letter, let your uni counselor know, or tell someone else in your life that you trust so they can make the appointment for you.

You are valuable. You are precious. You are beautiful, inside and out. And you deserve a good life. God wants healing for you. And I do too, so very much. You've seen the difference that help has made in my life. It's made it possible for me to be closer to God. It's made it easier for me to be strong for others. It's made life much more enjoyable. And it's made it possible for me to realise that life really is a gift. I want this all for you. You deserve it. Please get help. You won't regret it, I promise. It may be hard at first. But in the end, it is completely, totally, 250% worth it.

 

[squigglemonster]

Steffi April

I nearly made an appointment. But when I've got my 'everything's okay' face on, I don't feel like I need to see someone, and I feel stupid that I am even considering it. I don't think I have enough to talk about, or enough to warrant wasting the counsellor's (and my) time.

I don't know.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Beautiful, you're not stupid for considering getting the help you deserve. I think it's brave - not stupid. Brave because I know it's terrifying - both what the future might hold and the idea of having someone in real life listen to only you. But sis, it's not a waste of time. You are not a waste of time . Make the appointment Sweetie - I know you can do it and I'm here cheering you on the whole time!

 

[Soulwings]

Gorgeous Make the appointment. It will be worth it, and it won't be wasting anyone's time. I promise. It wasn't a waste of my time even though I thought it would be too; in my case it was the ED treatment that got me rolling - but in your's, you just need to get any sort of help. And a uni counselor is a wonderful place to go. It will be worth it. Take it from someone who's been there. You need the help -you're valuable, and I and everyone else wants you to have a good life. Be proactive and make the appointment. I promise that it won't be a waste of time, and I promise that you aren't being stupid considering it. Just be honest, with the counselor and with yourself. You can do this, sis. I know you can.

 

[squigglemonster]

April Steffi

Thanks guys. You are lovely, you really are! I don't know where I'd be without your support and unconditional love. Thanks guys.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Is that a yes? Or we need to bug you more sis?

 

[squigglemonster]

Is that a yes? Or we need to bug you more sis?

That was a dodge.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

That was a dodge.

I thought it might be . Please make the appointment sis - you need to talk to someone and as it is, you're not ok . We care about you Gorgeous and want to see you get the help you deserve. Please sis.

 

[squigglemonster]

I thought it might be . Please make the appointment sis - you need to talk to someone and as it is, you're not ok . We care about you Gorgeous and want to see you get the help you deserve. Please sis.

I will think about it next week. I guess I feel weird about it all, especially when the thoughts come and go. I don't want to be a drama queen. I don't want to sit down and go 'me me me'. I'd rather try to be strong for my friends and help them through, or at least pretend it's okay.

Because if I pretend for long enough, it will become true.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I will think about it next week. I guess I feel weird about it all, especially when the thoughts come and go. I don't want to be a drama queen. I don't want to sit down and go 'me me me'. I'd rather try to be strong for my friends and help them through, or at least pretend it's okay.

Because if I pretend for long enough, it will become true.

Friday's not over yet Hun - you could always still ring . And you know, I get what you mean about 'me me me' and I know you hate being in the center of anything, but I already know the truth and I know you're not a drama queen.

But I know what it's like to feel you need to be strong for your friends and pretend everything's ok. Pretending doesn't mean it's going to be though - it just means that the problems keep getting bigger until you can't see a way out anymore. They don't just disappear (as nice as that would be).

Hmm, I read something not long ago (well, by my typing standards ) that I want to share with you. Someone I care a lot about wrote it and I love her words of wisdom!

You are beautiful and you don't deserve to live like this. You have a purpose in this life, it's time to really have the opportunity to discover what that is and do it. Think of how amazing it will feel when you are not ruled by food, or by scales, or by the voices in your head! Sure I might sound hypocritical now, but that's how I am feeling too - I would love to wake up in the morning and not think about jumping on the scales! And when you get in the mindframe that you were in when you typed the above post, that's the time to really act! Don't hesitate, don't even think it through - just do.

There are so many people who care about you and who want to help you, if you will give them the chance. You said yourself that you need help. Now's the next step - getting the help.

You can do it.
I believe in you!!

Seriously, I couldn't have said it any better.